Chapter Four

Dirk nodded, and walked right beside him, shivering slightly once outside.

Jake felt Dirk shiver and looked at him. "Are you cold? I told you to bring a jacket! Do you want mine?"

He looked back at Jake and shook his head "No, no. I’m fine. Jackets are far too overrated." He chuckled slightly.

Jake shook his head, chuckling. "You're very silly, you know Strider?" He squeezed his hand lightly.

Dirk squeezed his hand in return, giving him a slight smile, "Yeah I know. You're silly too if you're my boyfriend."

"Tell me about it! I don't think anyone would willingly start a relationship if they knew it would be this messy." Jake looked away and blushed just slightly. "Too bad I had to go and fall in love with a dickprince like you!"

"Pfft." He nudged him lightly, "you're acting as if that's a bad thing!"

"It's very tiring sometimes." Jake nudged him back. "You're a very high-maintenance boyfriend! You get into fights, you forget to go to sleep, you forget to stop working and rest..." He smiled softly again. "But I don't regret falling in love with you and I wouldn't have it any other way."

Dirk sighed at first, his eyes moving downward. But he looked up and smiled when Jake said he didn't regret it. "I don't know what the hell I would do without you, Jake."

“Maybe you wouldn't get into so many fights." He looked at Dirk and shrugged sheepishly.

"Don't say that. You know I had a problem. Without you I would probably be in a fight right now." He took his hand from Jake's and put around Jake's shoulders.

Jake leaned into Dirk's touch and sighed. "I'm glad I could help, even if just a bit."

"You helped a lot more then you think," Dirk kissed his temple.

"I feel like it's still not enough. You still look so unhappy sometimes..." Jake looked away sadly.

Dirk sighed, "I'm just having lots of things going through my head. Don't worry. You help a lot. But," he took a deep breath, "There's just things that can't really be helped with.”

"I do wish you'd talk to me about those things..." He gulped. "Sometimes... I feel like you're still afraid of opening yourself to me. Of showing yourself."

"I- those things... How do I say this. I'm… trying to hide from them." He looked down, "Do you want the truth? Yes, I am still afraid to show myself. And to tell you what's wrong. I'm scared of what you'll think of me after I tell you." He looked away, "I'm opening myself up right now, huh?"

Jake lay his head on Dirk's shoulder while they walked and hummed quietly. "You're doing great. You should do this more often." He turned his head towards Dirk's. "But I want to know all the truth... I want you to show yourself and I want to know what's wrong so I can try to help you in any way I can. You don't have to be afraid. I love you and nothing can change that. Nothing that has happened in the past and nothing that still happens now." He smiled sadly. "I know that no matter what, you're a good person."

“You wouldn't like the truth. All those days I went out walking... I'm always getting things off my mind. I always try to tell you, but no words come out, and it makes it even harder. Fighting was just... My gateway out, I guess?? I don't know how to explain it..."

"I don't care if I like it or not, I want to know the truth. I don't mind you going out on those walks, everybody needs some alone time. But Dirk... Please. I could be your gateway if you told me?..." Jake sighed. "You can trust me."

"I-I.." His head looked down, "I just made stupid mistakes, and they all still go through my head. Jake, you’re the reason I stopped doing everything I did. And even though that stopped... The fighting kept me from thinking about it again... And when I promised you, I had accidentally made the mistake again... I. It's really hard to tell you... I don't know how. "

"Maybe if you tell me, it'll be easier to accept the stupid things you did. That's all in the past." He was silent for a few moments. "If you want, you can tell me when we get home. It'll give you some time to think about it while we get there."

Dirk nodded, "Alright." He sighed, "I-it might be better to show you..." He gulped.

"Whatever you want." Jake smiled softly. "Let's just walk in silence then."

Dirk looked at him. "...Actually can we talk? I really love the sound of your voice."

Jake looked back at Dirk with wide eyes and surprise etched on his face, before his expression softened and he smiled. "What do you want to talk about then?"

Dirk shrugged, "Anything, as long as I hear your voice. Anything is okay."

Jake nodded. "How's your back? I do hope it's hurting a little bit less."

"Oh, it's fine. I mean, it's still numb. I'm sure that by tomorrow, it's going to be in hella pain. "

"You should take some painkillers right after you wake up tomorrow. Which probably will be really late considering how late in the night it is right now. Do you have to work tomorrow?"

He nodded, then thought for a second, "No. Finally got a day off after so long"

"It's a bloody miracle huh!" He chuckled. "We should stay in all day and cook a nice late breakfast together like all the couples in romantic movies." He blushed slightly and looked away when he thought about something else they could do. "And then perhaps... Engage in a round of fisticuffs-turned-sexual intercourse..."

His eyes grew wide as he felt his cheeks heat up, and he bit his lip, "Hmm. That doesn't sound like a bad idea." He kissed his cheek.

Jake quickly turned his face to catch Dirk's lips with his own for a brief moment. "I find it a wonderful idea if you ask me."

He smirked, "Well, it seems we have a plan then." He pressed another kiss to Jake's lips.

"I can't wait." He kissed Dirk again, smiling against his mouth. He moved away from Dirk and kept walking, noticing they were almost in their street.

He smiled as he brought Jake closer as they walked. Excitement and worry started flooding through him. Excitement from thinking about what they had been talking about doing, and worry from the anticipation of telling Jake everything.

Jake noticed Dirk tensing up just slightly and knew it was because they were approaching their apartment, but he decided not to mention the subject and instead ask Dirk about something else. "So what have you been working on lately?"

He thought for a second, "To be honest I haven't really been working on anything." He shrugged. "Well... Actually, I'm working on something somewhat small. But. I'm not allowed to tell you."

Jake furrowed his brow. "Why not?"

"Because it's a surprise." Dirk smiled at him.

Jake’s eyes widened. "A surprise?" He grinned. "Now you've gone and made me curious!"

Dirk nodded, "Yep. I really hope you like it, because, it's not necessarily made but," he shrugged, "I think you'll like it."

"Dag nab it Dirk I just want to know what it is now!" He said, faking frustration but grinning all the while. His expression softened. "If it's from you I'll probably like it."

"You'll find out in a couple of weeks! Valentine’s day, to be exact."

Jake widened his eyes at hearing this. "Valentine’s day, huh? Well, I can't wait!" And with these words, they finally arrived at their doorstep.

Dirk smiled for a little, but it faltered when they got to the doorstep. He looked at Jake then back to the door as he had opened it. Taking his arm away from Jake, he held the door open for him.

Jake mumbled thanks when Dirk held the door open for him and then held his hand comfortingly as they started going up the stairs, feeling Dirk's nervousness.

He continued what he was doing; walking along side Jake. Dirk tried to make some of the nervousness go away, and although he got rid of most of it, there was still a hint of it left.

They spent the remainder of the walk quiet, until they got to their floor and Jake took out his keys to open the door, this time holding it open for Dirk.

He sighed, as he mumbled a thank you, and then walked in, taking his shoes off. His eyes stayed on the ground.

Jake closed the door and took off his boots quickly, slowly walking up to Dirk and wrapping his arms around his waist from the behind.

A slight smile came upon Dirk's face, as he held on to Jake's arms. He turned around quickly, and wrapped his ants around Jake's neck.

Jake held Dirk tightly in silence for a few seconds, before pecking his cheek and stepping back to look at him in the eyes. "So..."

"I don't know how to say it... Say what I've done in the past...” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Oh god this is hard," he looked to the side.

Jake's hands went up to grab Dirk's head and he gently turned it back to him so that Dirk had no choice but to look into Jake's pleading eyes. "Please, Dirk..."

Dirk closed his eyes, and in one swift motion he grabbed Jake's hand. "Like I said, I'll go ahead and show you..." He said as he took Jake to the bathroom.

He gulped and nodded, following Dirk to the bathroom in silence.

Dirk took a deep breath, and let go of his hand to open a cabinet. "Before you were in my life... I was alone. I didn't know what to do. I did things... To myself..." he moved some things in the cabinet. "I don't even know what I'm doing... I threw the thing away when I got with you." He sat on the toilet. "Did you ever wonder what the other scratches and cuts were on my arm? The ones I claimed weren't from a fight?"

Jake's eyes widened and he bit his lip hard, not liking where this was going at all. He shook his head, never moving his eyes away from Dirk.

He couldn't bear to look at Jake while telling him this. It just all hurt too much "Well... I." He looked at his arm, tracing the little white scars on it. "I can't say it out, I don't know how to." He choked on his words.

Jake gulped. His eyes were starting to fill up with tears but he bit his lip harder to stop himself from crying. "Y-you..." He took a shaky breath, his voice cracking slightly. "D-did you..."

Dirk's eyes closed tightly, and slowly nodded.

Jake sniffed once and then quickly went up to Dirk and threw his arms around his neck, burying his head on his shoulder while the tears started flowing.

Dirk’s arms went around his waist. “Please Jake... Don't cry." He rubbed his back, hopefully to calm down the crying.

Jake sat on Dirk's lap, who was still sitting on the toilet, and just hid his face further in Dirk's neck, the tears flowing freely now as he thought about someone he loved so much doing something like that to himself. "D... W-why did you..."

Dirk began rocking Jake back and forth, trying his best not to let his emotion out with tears. "I- I just... I didn't know what else to do. I was alone… And lots of things went through my head... And just..." He stopped talking and hid his face muttering "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry...”

"I j-just..." Jake's sentence was interrupted with a sob. "I don't understand... Why someone s-so amazing would... Do something l-like that..."

Dirk's grip around Jake tightened considerably. "I never thought I was amazing… I thought no one did...” He paused. "I thought everyone hated me."

Jake removed his face from Dirk's neck slowly, so he could look at Dirk's eyes with his own tear-filled ones. "D-Dirk..." He closed his eyes, afraid of the answer to the question he was going to ask. "Do you h-hate yourself?..."

He looked away, unable to look at Jake, not really wanting to answer the question. A single tear slipped from his eyes.

Jake cupped Dirk's cheeks with both his hands, looking at him, pleading. "Please Dirk... D-do you?"

His eyes keeping closed, as he nodded. "...Y-yes." He pulled his face away from Jake's hands, and resumed looking down.

Jake sobbed again and removed his glasses from his face, setting them in the sink and wiping his tears with the sleeve of his jacket. "...Why?"

Dirk sniffed. "I don't see what so good about me. I'm a horrible person that fights their problems away instead of talking them out. I just don't see anything good about myself." He whispered his next words almost inaudible tone. "I don't even see why you love me..."

"How can't you see it?" Jake swallowed down a sob and looked at Dirk's eyes, even though they didn't meet him, still closed. "You're... You're amazing Dirk. You're brilliant, you're a genius..." He shook his head. "I-it's true that the fights are a problem but that doesn't take any of your good traits away. I've never had anyone care about me the way you do. You care so, so deeply." He kissed Dirk's temple softly. "I love your voice and your face and your eyes that you always keep hidden with those blasted sunglasses, I love your convoluted sense of humor and your dadblasted irony and how you always watch movies me with me even though I know you hate them and you'd rather be working, that time when you ate the waffles I made you even though I burnt them and they probably tasted like shit, but you still ate them because I made them for you, the time when I got sick and you stayed with me all day in bed even though you had to work, how you let me touch your hair even though you don't like it..." He took a deep breath when he realized he was rambling, but it came out shaky again.  "I love you, so, so much. Everything about you. You're t-the best thing that has happened to me." He sniffed. "And it's... Painful. It hurts that you can't see all these amazing things about you."

Dirk opened his eyes to meet Jake's. He was speechless. He tried opening his mouth to say something, but no words came out. He did what he'd been holding in for a long time now. Tears slid down his cheeks and he started to tremble. “I... I-" He still couldn't talk. The only thing Dirk did was lay his head on Jake's chest. "Thank you Jake..." He took a deep breath, "I'm sorry to hurt you like this..." He clenched his eyes shut, as more tears fell.

Jake just held Dirk's face to his chest, tangling a hand in his hair, caressing it gently and pressing a soft kiss to the crown of his head. He'd never seen Dirk cry before, but this wasn't bad. It just meant he was letting it go. "I just want you to be truly happy. I want you to see yourself the way I see you, to love yourself the way I love you..."

Dirk sniffled. "I'm only truly happy when I'm with you." He was quiet for a few seconds. "And I'll b-be honest... I don't think I'm ever going to truly love myself. I-it's just hard for some reason."

Jake was silent for a few moments, pondering something. "If you're only truly happy when you're with me then I want to be with you forever." He took a deep breath and once again cupped Dirk's cheeks to pull his face up. Dirk's eyes were red and teary and he didn't look very good in that moment but it didn't matter. Jake probably looked even worse, since he had been crying for a longer time. He gulped and attempted a small smile. "Dirk... I love you like I've never loved anything before in my life. I-I would die for you, I-" He sobbed again, still smiling slightly. "I'm sorry, I didn't plan this. I don't even have a ring for you or anything..."

Dirk wiped his eyes, trying to smile for Jake, but only managing a weak one. "Ever since we first got together, I knew I would want to be with you forever, I love you so much that it hurts,"  He wiped Jake's eyes with his thumb. "And d-damn… You’re basically ruining the Valentine’s day gift I had prepared for you..."

Jake laughed, full of joy, even though the tears were still flowing down his face. He copied Dirk's gesture and wiped Dirk's tears off his eyes with his thumbs gently. "Dirk Strider," he said, confidently but softly. "Will you marry me?"

Dirk smiled fully now, tears not only coming from the sadness which was basically gone, but now from his immense happiness as well. "Yes. I will." He pressed a soft kiss to Jake's lips. "Um. May I go get something? And you stay here, just for a few seconds."

Jake kissed back, smiling against Dirk's lips, completely overjoyed. "Go get the thing but hurry up!" He looked around, noticing they were still in the bathroom. He shook his head, chuckling. "I can't believe I just proposed to you with us both sitting on the toilet!"

"Well, we'll always remember it, that's for sure. But I wouldn’t care if you did it somewhere else; it's still the most romantic thing ever." He lifted Jake up, and sat him down on the toilet. "Now, I'll be right back!" He left the bathroom, and ran to their bedroom. Going to his dresser, he opened a drawer. Hidden in it was a small black velvet box, which he was planning on using in a few weeks, but now was the perfect time. He ran back to the bathroom and quickly kneeled down in front of Jake, showing him the box, "I was planning on proposing to you in a few weeks, and I have other plans for us... But here." He held his hand out for Jake to take it.

Jake took the box from Dirk's hand and opened it, covering his mouth with his hand in shock. "Oh my god..." He carefully took the ring that was inside and slid it into his finger, locking his gaze on Dirk as he did it.

Dirk watched him, a smile glowing on his face. "Do you like it?"

He nodded, throwing his arms around Dirk and hugging him tightly. "I love it." He chuckled. "I love you."

His arms came around his waist as he hugged him back. "I love you too. So very much." He pressed a kiss to his cheek.

Jake kissed his lips for one last time before standing up and holding out a hand towards Dirk. "Come on, love, we should go to bed. I'm dead tired." He yawned. "But I'm also really happy." He grinned.

Dirk grabbed his hand, and stood up. "Good idea, considering it's almost 6. Let's go." He yawned soon after, and smiled sleepily.

Jake smiled at him and squeezed his hand, starting to walk towards their bedroom. When they got there, he helped Dirk off his shirt gently, pecking him on the lips every now and then, never stopping his smiles.

Dirk smiled back at him, grimacing slight as the shirt ran over the stitches, as the numbing was wearing off. But he continued to smile at Jake.

Jake took off his own shirt and then embraced Dirk in his arms, chest against chest, feeling Dirk's heartbeat against his own.

The heartbeat was quite relaxing to Dirk. He wrapped his arms around Jake, slowly moving side to side.

Jake kissed Dirk's cheek and then his mouth hovered over his ear. He took a deep breath and whispered in his ear. "Dirk... You'll never do... that... again, right?"

He gulped, "I-I'll try... It's been a while since I last did it... So that's a good thing, right?"

Jake nodded quickly. "It's great. If..." He bit his lip. "If you ever want to do it again you have to tell me, okay?" He held him tighter for a second. "I'll never let you hurt yourself like that again."

Dirk took a deep breath, "It's hard though. It's not exactly something you go ahead and tell someone straight up... But I'll try." He buried his face in Jake's neck.

"It doesn't matter anyway because," he paused for a second. "I'll never let you get to a point where you want to do it again."

Tightening his grip, he let out the breath he was holding. "Thank you…"

He stepped away from Dirk slowly to take off his shorts so that all he was wearing were his boxers and socks and yawned again.

He kissed Jake's forehead. "Ready for bed?" He yawned quietly.

Jake hummed sleepily and walked over to the bed, getting under the already opened covers (he hadn't made the bed before leaving the hospital) and sitting, looking at Dirk. "Take off your trousers and come sleep!" He glanced at the clock. "It's already 6 AM!"

Dirk saluted, slipping of his jeans, and socks. He quickly walked to the end up the bed, getting under the covers head first, and crawled over to Jake.

Jake happily cuddled against the warmth of the new addition to the bed, wrapping his arms around him. "Dirk?" He asked, with a large grin on his face.

He had closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around his lover, "Hm?"

He giggled quietly. "We're getting married!"

"I know. Isn't it wonderful?!" He kissed the top of his head, "My dreams are finally coming true."

He kissed his lips briefly. "Your dreams, huh?" He whispered against his lips, unable to stop smiling.

He smiled, as he kissed back. "Of course my dreams. You've always been in them, and now they're coming true."

 "I'm more surprised that you dreamt about marrying me in particular..." He said, putting emphasis on "marrying". "I had no idea that's something you wanted that much. Didn't know you cared about me that much." He said, kissing him again.

He kissed back, then pulled away slowly," You shouldn't be surprised by that. You're wonderful... Like I said earlier... You're the only person to make me truly happy."

"There's a lot of people who make me happy," He said, counting their names in his head. "But you make me the happiest." He kissed again, this time a deeper and more meaningful kiss. When he pulled away, he left his eyes closed and snuggled closer to Dirk, whispering. "Let's sleep now. Goodnight, Mr. English." He said, still smiling with his eyes closed.

He smiled, and kissed his forehead and chuckled lightly, "No, no. You will be Mr. Strider." He closed his eyes.

 He chuckled, eyes still closed. "While I do think that Jake Strider sounds better than Dirk English, it would be unfair for me to take your name! I quite like my surname so I think we should settle on Strider-English."

"Hmm. Fine. But it wouldn't be unfair, I would promise you that." He yawned "Okay. We said an hour ago we would go to sleep. "

 "Mmm, spoilsport." He said, kissing Dirk blindly one last time. "I love you."

He smiled, and chuckled lightly. And He hummed quietly, "I love you too." He felt his body to relax, and his breathing slowed down. "Goodnight."

Jake, as he did most nights, quickly drifted into a calm, dreamless sleep, warmed by Dirk's body heat.