Status: edited

Pony's P.o.V.

I don't know why I did it.

I don't know why I kissed Johnny. It had just been on my mind, with him being so close to me.

I wanted to try it, mainly to prove that the feeling I had was nothing.

But it wasn't nothing.

As soon as our lips connected, my stomach turned a thousand flips and my head started spinning. I got this overwhelming urge to pull him closer to me.

I had never felt that way before, and I wanted to feel it again. I wanted to kiss him again.

But I couldn't.

Halfway through the kiss I realized that Johnny had mentioned that he was in love. It sure as hell wasn't with me, so I quickly pulled away, and told him it was a mistake.

That voice in my head began to grow very loud.

He's only kissing you because he feels bad! It shouted over, and over, and over again.

So I told him I didn't like it. I mean, I actually didn't like it...I think...

Being queer is wrong. My body probably only reacted that way because I had never kissed anyone before.

Yeah, that's it. Just hormones.

I swear though, I'll never deserve Johnny. Never have, never will.

Even after what happened, he still continued to be my friend. His note proved it.

I smiled while reading it, and then safely tucked it into the can with the other three.

Johnny's notes were the only thing That could make me smile.

I put the can back under my bed and walked downstairs, seeing the entire gang in the living room.

"Hey Ponyboy!" Two-bit yelled loudly. "Nice bedhead." Everyone else laughed at that while I looked down and dug my foot into the carpet.

I tried to smooth out my hair as best I could. This is what happens when you're ugly. You get made fun of.

I frowned and sat down on the floor, far away from Johnny. I still didn't know how to feel.

I liked the kiss, but did I like him?

It's possible that I only felt that way because I had never kissed anyone before. That seems like the most logical reason.

I mean, I didn't think I was gay, but...

Soda sighed and stood up. "I oughta go get dressed for work."

I stood up and quickly followed him, prepared to ask him about my feelings. I wouldn't say that they were about Johnny of course.

"Hey Soda, can I ask you something?" We had just walked into our bedroom.

He seemed surprised that I was talking to him, but seemed to quickly shake it off.

"Yeah, sure." He began getting undressed.

"How does it feel when you kiss a girl?" I asked.

He raised and eyebrow, but then smiled, no doubt thinking about Sandy. "It's real nice. It makes you want to pull her closer and never look away from her. Your stomach goes wild each time as well as your head."

I almost stumbled. That was how I felt with Johnny. "Is it...is it like that no matter who you kiss?"

He shook his head. "No, only if you really like them. If you didn't like them then all you would feel would be their lips."

I fought to control my breathing.

"Shit." I muttered so that only I could hear.

That means that I really like Johnny. That means I'm...I'm gay...

Soda chuckled while putting on his shoes. "Is there someone you've been wanting to kiss Ponyboy?"

I snapped out of my daze and rubbed the back of my neck, begging tears not to form in my eyes.

I just shrugged. "Maybe...I don't know."

I guess he could tell that I didn't want to talk about it anymore, because he just came over and gave me a hug. "I'm sorry we fought last night. Thank you for coming back, I was worried sick."

I nodded. "It's okay, I'm sorry too."

He ruffled my hair. "I really do love you Ponyboy."

I just nodded. As soon as he left I broke down.

I like Johnny. This can't be happening! (A/n "Oh it's happening sweetheart.") Being gay was wrong! And yet, here I am, with a crush on my boy best friend.

Tears refused to stop streaming down my face no matter how hard I tried to quit crying. "No..." I whispered and threw myself on my bed. "No, no, no, no, no!"

I curled up in a ball.

Now more than ever, I wanted to die. I wanted to leave this stupid world.

It's the 60's, people kill guys like me. Not that I would mind being killed right now...

Okay, I dig guys. So what? Why can't people be accepting or just not give a damn?

Now they're gonna hate you even more. The voice taunted loudly.

I tried to push it away, but it didn't seem to want to leave anytime soon.

You damn fag. You're disgusting. Johnny could never like you back.

"S-stop it." I said out loud. "Stop it! Get away!" But that's the things with the voice.

I can never escape it.

I started tugging on my hair, desperately trying to rid myself of the evil that haunted me.

The door flew open and Johnny quickly stepped inside. "Ponyboy? Pony, man are you alright?"

"It won't leave me Johnny!" I walked around and gripped my head.

He wrapped his arms around me. "What? What won't?"

"T-the voice!" I cried out.

He held me close and stroked my hair. "It's okay."

The voice started fading with Johnny near. Eventually it went away completely for the time being.

Tears of relief began slipping down my face. "I hate it Johnny! I hate it!"

"What is it?" He caressed my cheek, and I leaned into the touch.

"It tells me that I'm fat, or that I'm worthless, or that you're just pretending to be my friend out of pity."

Johnny hugged me again and squeezed me tight. "You don't have to go through this alone. Tell me when the voice comes and I'll try to make it better."

I looked up at him and stared at his lips longingly for a few seconds.

I quickly averted my eyes and snuggled back into his arms. I wanted so badly to kiss him again.

But I knew I could only get away with that once. So I'd just have to tough it out.

"Ponyboy?" His soft voice questioned.

"Hmm?"

He ran his hand through my hair. "Earlier today, when Two-bit said something about your hair, he was just kidding."

My cheeks flushed. "I-I know."

"I saw the look in your eyes. You're my best friend, I know when you're upset."

I sighed. "People just make fun of me so much, it's hard to know when somebody's joking. It's no wonder no one wants to be my friend."

"I'm your friend." He said quickly.

I nodded. "My best friend, only I don't know why."

"What do you mean you don't know why?" He retracted his arms and stared at me.

"Everyone at school says I'm annoying, and fat, or ugly...I just don't know why you would want to hang out with someone like that." I sighed and looked down.

Johnny sighed. "I don't care what they think. To me, you are perfect."

My eyes widened a bit. No one had ever called me perfect before. "Y-you mean that?" I stammered and he nodded.

"Of course."

I shifted uncomfortably for a second. I really wanted to be in his arms again, but I didn't know how to ask.

Or do I even ask at all? Should I just go for it? No way, he'll think I'm crazy.

Finally, I sighed. "Johnnycakes..."

He quickly looked at me. "Yeah?"

I bit my lip, and tried not to sound desperate. "Will you...can you..." I couldn't seem to find the words.

He rubbed my shoulder. "What is it Pony?"

Grabbing my hair in frustration, I let out a groan. "Can you please just...I don't know, hold me? I guess."

His eyes quickly showed confusion. "What, like hug you?"

I nodded, cheeks heating up. "Yeah, like hug me. I don't know, I just feel safe in your arms, like nothing can ever get to me." He smiled some, at my words.

"B-but you don't have to. I mean, if it would make you uncomfortable, I just like it and-"

"Ponyboy..." he laughed. "It doesn't make me uncomfortable." He pulled me close to him, where I was in between his legs and his arms were around my waist. "Not at all."

I sighed in content. "Johnny..."

"Hmm?" He hummed and tightened his arms around me.

"I've never felt more safe than when I'm with you." I almost whispered.

I wanted him to tell me that he loved me, or to lazily kiss my cheek and tell me that I'd always be safe with him. But he didn't.

He only smiled and told me that he'd always be there. Which is as good as it's ever gonna get.