Querida Aldonza,

My team mates say I need help, and I notice the looks of pity they shoot me when they think I'm not paying attention. They tell me my anxiety and panic attacks have started since I stopped being able to see you and that my emotional state worries them. I tell them I'm doing just fine, but they don't believe me. Isaac suggested I should write you letters, to 'cope with my grief' and get everything out of my mind and heart. Though I don't agree with their notions that I am emotionally unstable, I thought I should take his advice.

They tell me that this hurt is normal. That its okay to feel upset, and that I don't have to hide it all the time. But I know that if I showed them how I really feel, they would think I'm more emotionally fucked up than they already think I am.

They tell me that this anxiety to know I can no longer hold you in my arms will go away after a while. They tell me that even though I have to be strong, sometimes its okay for a man to cry. But this feeling of emptiness I get when I realize I will no longer be able to kiss you feels unending, like a bottomless void in my heart. 

I just want you to come back, and I want this all to stop. All this pain can be cured with one smile on your beautiful face.

I can't stand this anxiety, Aldonza. Please give me a sign that even though you're no longer here, you feel the same way as I.

Sincerely,

Carlos.

-

i wrote the first letter about a week ago, but i let it sit in my drafts for a week. what i had wasn't convincing enough for me. so i came back today, put the song that inspired this story on repeat (its a song called 'ansiedad' by la rondalla de saltillo, and my mum used to play it a lot when i was a kid. she recently played it again and i fell in love with their music and so 'ansiedad' inspired this story), and added a few things to this first letter. now i can honestly say i am happy with the result. 

so i want to thank you all for reading this story, and i hope you're all having a wonderful start of the year. 

blessings!

-clary xx