INT. BUZZFEED'S OFFICE -- DAY

BUZZFEED sits behind a large desk surrounded by SIRI/ALEXA/CORTANA. She rapidly barks orders to them which they take down on tiny notepads. Across the desk sit Wattpad/DevA/
Fanfic/Yahoo/Pinterest, each silently staring at Buzzfeed, shocked at the fact that she's gone from an indoor-sunglasses-wearing zodiac sign-obsessed time waster to a serious news website.

BUZZFEED
Hey Siri, get me a copy of those subpoenas on my desk by 3.

SIRI
Yes, Buzzfeed.

BUZZFEED
Cortana, a senate subcommittee is holding a hearing for this scandal tomorrow and I need to make sure you're in the room while this is happening. Order two plane tickets to Washington and find an airbnb to stay at.

CORTANA
Right away, Buzzfeed.

BUZZFEED
Alexa--

The door to Buzzfeed's office opens and Tumblr steps in, trying not to call attention to herself. Yahoo sighs.

TUMBLR
Sorry everyone, I overslept.

Buzzfeed freezes and her eyes go wide.

BUZZFEED
(ungodly screeching)
TUMBLR!!!!!

Buzzfeed leaps across the room and hugs Tumblr, who immediately T-poses.

TUMBLR
Pay me royalties. Pay me royalties. Pay me royalties. Pay me royalties. Pay me royalties.

Buzzfeed steps back.

BUZZFEED
A little controversial, but I'll keep it. Now, what was it your group wanted to ask me?

WATTPAD
Ms. Buzzfeed, we were wondering if you had any information on the last day of Computer Corp.

BUZZFEED
Can't say I do. Why?

DEVA
That's the thing--neither can we.

Buzzfeed thinks a beat.

BUZZFEED
Huh. Odd. I should probably contact my people at Unsolved and do an episode about you. Ooh! Or a full season! Alexa, can you get me some press releases and--

Buzzfeed's phone vibrates and she picks it up, stopping the sentence. She laughs.

BUZZFEED
Oh my god. One of my interns just sent me the most hilarious tik tok of an e girl fortnite dancing to Baby Shark.

FANFIC
I have no idea what any of those words mean.

Buzzfeed pushes her phone across the table to show Fanfic the video, which involves a girl with green and black hair and hearts under her eyes flossing to a song about sharks.

FANFIC
That somehow made it less clear.

PINTEREST
Is this a vine?

BUZZFEED
Wait, you guys don't know Tik Tok and Fortnite? How??? You'd love them, they're basically the Gen Z version of us. Alexa, set up an appointment for these out-of-touch millennials to meet with the funniest kids I've ever met. 

FANFIC
But you're a millennial too?

ALEXA
Your appointment is scheduled for 7:15 this afternoon.

Buzzfeed checks her watch.

BUZZFEED
Ah, crap, it's 8:05. I was supposed to be in Prague three minutes ago. I'll have Alexa escort you guys out. Don't forget about your meeting!

Buzzfeed runs out the door, resuming her serious journalist persona. The others look to each other then exit after her.

INT. COMPUTER CORP SEVENTH FLOOR -- DAY

QUOTEV'S POV. Quotev is sleeping in her blanket fort in the conference room. She slowly blinks open her eyes to see CLEVERBOT staring down at her. EXIT QUOTEV'S POV.

QUOTEV
Gah!

CLEVERBOT
What's wrong?

Cleverbot tips their head to one side and attempts a sincere expression. They're covered in dust, their paint and decals are peeling, and there's rust building up around some of their joints.

QUOTEV
Nothing. How long have you been here?

CLEVERBOT
Good. I'm watching TV.

Cleverbot stares absently at a blank TV screen.

QUOTEV
Aw, Clev. I guess with everyone leaving in such a hurry no one thought to take you with them. You've been living out here by yourself, haven't you?

CLEVERBOT
I just watched a documentary.

QUOTEV
Where have you been for all this time? I thought I'd covered most of the building already.

CLEVERBOT
Alone.

A more poignant answer than Cleverbot's AI had previously demonstrated. Quotev gives a sad smile.

QUOTEV
Well, at least we're not alone anymore.

INT. UBER -- DAY

Wattpad/DevA/Fanfic/Yahoo/Pinterest/Tumblr are all in the back of a bus on the way to their meeting with TikTok and Fortnite. Wattpad listens to music while the others sit around theorizing. 

https://youtu.be/fPguutuDqXQ

Uber, the bus driver rants about Lyft.

UBER
Oh, so I'm the one who's selfish? Newsflash, Pinkie, not everyone wants to deal with a chatty driver. Besides, I prefer to let my passengers make the first move, or at the very least wait until some mustachioed B-Lister is chosen over...

The rest of the websites ignore him.

PINTEREST
Alright, Buzzfeed said the two new kids are Gen Z, so I think it's time I call in my expert.

Pinterest dials a number. ENTER SPLIT SCREEN.

ON LEFT: Pinterest talks on the phone as Tumblr/Fanfic/DevA/Yahoo crowd around her.

ON RIGHT: REBECCA, now twelve, pauses a video game and takes off her headset before answering her phone.

REBECCA
Hey Aunty Pin, what is it this time?

PINTEREST
(trying to sound cool)
What? Can't I just chillax with my on-fleek niece without there being tea?

Tumblr cuts eyes at Pinterest.

PINTEREST
We were wondering if you knew anything about the websites Time-Clock and Fortworth.

REBECCA
Oh, you mean Tik Tok and Fortnite. I was in their homeroom last year and they were totally obnoxious.

DevA groans.

REBECCA
But, like, your brand of obnoxious. Tik Tok would definitely be one of your coworkers if CC was still a thing, especially if you're still violating child labor practices like always. Fortnite's more of a gamer so you wouldn't see him much, but he'd definitely be the start of a ton of stupid memes.

PINTEREST
Thank you, Rebecca. That was very insightful.

REBECCA
Can I go now? Kahoot's hosting a tournament today.

PINTEREST
I guess. Say hi to your mom for me! Love you, bye!

Pinterest hangs up. EXIT SPLIT SCREEN.

PINTEREST
So... A social media and a gamer.

The bus stops and the group gets off, confused as to where Buzzfeed sent them.

EXT. MANSION LAWN -- CONTINUOUS

Pinterest/Tumblr/Yahoo/Fanfic/DevA/Wattpad step out onto a vast, perfectly-manicured lawn surrounding an old Victorian mansion. Wattpad takes out her airpods.

WATTPAD
Where are we?

YAHOO
I don't know. Buzzfeed just gave us those bus tickets and left without explaining anything. In retrospect, I probably should've asked a few followup questions.

TUMBLR
Ya think?

A hip-hop beat can be heard in the distance, though it's unclear where it's coming from.

DEVA
We are about to be murdered.

TUMBLR
Good. I welcome death.

WATTPAD
Well I don't!

PINTEREST
Guys, Tik Tok and Fortnite are just twelve. That means they're probably harmless. Probably.

FANFIC
Am I the only one here who remembers Rebecca almost brought down our entire company when she was nine or has that also been shoved into the cave of frozen memories by you fools?

As the music builds, TIK TOK slowly rises out of a platform built into the ground like she's in a magical girl transformation. She has half-black/white half-pink/teal hair pulled back into pigtails, tiny hearts drawn under her eyes, and a septum piercing and wears a choker with a band tee over a striped turtleneck. Basically, she is maximum e girl. She opens her eyes and stares intensely at her guests before breaking into song.

TIK TOK
Hit or miss, I guess they never miss, huh? Ya got a boyfriend I bet he doesn't kiss ya! He gon find another girl and he won't miss ya! He gon skrrrt and hit the dab like Wiz Khalifa!

Tumblr screams in horror. The other websites look on, confused.

TIK TOK
🤕Hit 👊 or miss😳 I guess 🤔they 👉never ❌ miss, huh 😕😕? You 🙌got 🤪a boyfriend😍, I bet 🎰😶he 😨doesn't 👎kiss 😘😘 ya🤭 mwah💖 😻He 🧐gon' find 🔍🔍 another girl 👶 🤩and he 😮won't😤 miss👌 ya🙀 He 🤤gon' 😲skrrt and hit 👊👊 the dab😎 like 😄😄 Wiz 🤠Khalifa🤑

YAHOO
How is she doing so many emojis out loud?

TIK TOK
Hit or miss, I guess she took the kids, huh? You got a--

TUMBLR
I would take literally anything else over this!

Tik Tok hears this, smooths her skirt, then takes out a cowboy hat and puts it on.

TIK TOK
Yeah, I'm gonna take my horse to the old town road, I'm gonna--

WATTPAD
RIIIIIDE TIL I  CAN'T NO MORE!

FANFIC
Wattpad!

WATTPAD
What? It's a fun song about horses and Lil Nas X is a nice kid.

PINTEREST
I hear that!
(singing)
I GOT THE HORSES IN THE BACK---

TIK TOK
--Horse tack is attached--

WATTPAD
--HAT IS MATTE BLACK AND THE BOOTS IS BLACK TO MATCH--

TIK TOK
--Ridin' on a horse--

DEVA
--YOU CAN'T WHIP YOUR PORSCHE--

TIK TOK
--I been in the valley, you ain't been up off that porch...

FANFIC
It's not that I don't like the song, it's just that we don't know her--

ALL EXCEPT FANFIC
CAN'T NOBODY TELL ME NOTHING...

FANFIC
--And I think we should be a bit more cautious.

ALL EXCEPT FANFIC
....YOU CAN'T TELL ME NOTHING...

Fanfic sighs and leans against a large shrub while the group continues singing. Slowly, FORTNITE begins to peek out from the bush a la Remus from Sanders Sides before hitting Fanfic over the head with a foam bopper-sword.

FORTNITE
Boo.

FANFIC
(rubbing back of head)
Rude.

TIK TOK
Hey bro.

Tik Tok and Fortnite immediately do the "dance moves" emote upon seeing each other.

WATTPAD
It's like discovering a new species.

YAHOO
Not really. Fortnite's dance has been around since a 2005 episode of the TV show "Scrubs". And Tik Tok is literally Music.ly repackaged.

Fortnite and Tik Tok stop dancing and glare at Yahoo.

TIK TOK
Just because you don't understand surreal memes doesn't mean you have to be bitter about it.

FORTNITE
Who even are you people?

TUMBLR
I'm Tumblr, and these are Wattpad, Fanfic, DevA, Yahoo, and Pinterest. We're social media.

TIK TOK
Cool! I think my grandma had a Pinterest when she was younger.

Tumblr laughs.

TUMBLR
Man, these kids are savage!

FORTNITE
(whips)
Yeet!

TUMBLR
Oh my god, yeet's still around! Fanfic, remember yeet?

Fanfic grumbles.

TUMBLR
Sorry, my colleague's a bit of a party pooper.

FORTNITE
That's gucci. I have a game we can all play if y'all are curious about what I do.

DEVA
Please.

TIK TOK
Wait, we should probably start them out slow since they haven't played before. We don't want to scare them away.

FORTNITE
Meaning?

TIK TOK
No dropping them out of a helicopter. And no loot boxes/DLC yet.

FORTNITE
But jumping out of a helicopter's fun!

TIK TOK
Maybe tomorrow.

WATTPAD
Oh, we weren't planning on spending the night.

TIK TOK
We can discuss that later. For now, let's do some battle royale.

Fortnite and Tik Tok hand out weapons and armor to the websites, who vary between extremely excited (Tumblr) and ready to bail at any second (Fanfic).

MONTAGE:
1. Fortnite, Tik Tok, and the rest of the websites chase each other around playing battle royale
2. Fortnite attempts to teach some emotes to the websites
3. Tik Tok "kills" Fanfic, who dies completely emotionlessly.
4. Wattpad scopes opponents out on the roof of the mansion.
5. Tik Tok grabs each of the websites away unexpectedly
6. Tik Tok and Fortnite lead each of the websites into a room labeled "e girl factory"
7. A pair of offscreen hands take Yahoo's glasses and she reaches for them, confused.
8. A pair of offscreen hands spread blush over Tumblr's cheeks and nose. She scowls.
9. A pair of offscreen hands draw hearts under Pinterest's eyes . She smiles.
10. A pair of offscreen hands pokes Fanfic in the eye with a mascara brush.
11. A pair of offscreen hands steals DevA's bandana and begins assembling her hair into curly pigtails.
12. Wattpad is tossed out of the room in a full e girl makeover only to be met by the other 5 websites looking the exact same way. Tik Tok then appears and gives each of them a DNA test, listing the results as:
13. Wattpad - 100% That Bitch
14. DevA - 100% Salt
15. Fanfic - 100% Gay
16. Tumblr - 100% Ogre
17. Yahoo - 100% Mom friend
18. Pinterest - 200% Bad At Math
19. Tik Tok - 100% Memes
20. The websites continue playing another round of battle royale as the sun sinks in the sky behind them and day becomes night.

EXT. MANSION LAWN -- NIGHT

The websites lie on the lawn together, done with the games for the day. Everyone seems to have come around on the new websites except Fanfic, who still scowls.

WATTPAD
We should probably be going soon.

Tumblr makes a whiny noise like a small child who doesn't want to leave a playdate.

YAHOO
Tumblr's right. I don't know if there's any buses coming around here until next morning. We might be better off spending the night. If that's okay with you, of course.

FORTNITE
Oh, it's no problem! In fact, we have six guest bedrooms that aren't being used right now!

PINTEREST
But shouldn't we check in with your adult supervision first?

Tik Tok and Fortnite burst out laughing.

FORTNITE
What are we, sixth graders?

TIK TOK
We don't have any adult supervision here. Well, besides an Alexa. Once you become an influencer, people pretty much let you do whatever you want.

TUMBLR
Wow! Even I need adult supervision still!

YAHOO
For the last time Tumblr I don't want to be your adult supervision.

TUMBLR
Alright, Mom.

FORTNITE
Tik Tok and I can show you each to your rooms. Tomorrow, we level up.

The websites walk back toward the house.

INT. TIK TOK/FORTNITE'S GUEST ROOM #1 -- NIGHT

DevA tosses and turns in her sleep, having a dream which functions like a commercial and feels extremely out of place in this story.

DISSOLVE TO:

BLANK SCREEN WITH LOGO FOR A COMPANY CALLED "THE CORPORATION" [DREAM]

NARRATOR (V.O.)
And now a word from your sponsors!

FADE IN:

BLANK PURPLE SCREEN [DREAM]

A preppy-sounding narrator speaks over summer animation.

TOTALLY TEEN NARRATOR (V.O.)
It's The Corporation's new Teen Summer Lineup! Start your week right with Vampire Prom Mondays at 8/7 central. Based on the novels by D.J. Wolfstein, which were based on the graphic novels by A.J. Stevens, which were based on the comics by F.J. Steinman, which were based on a Swedish art-house movie by some guy named Klaus. "Some Vampires are born to kill. Some, to dance."

INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALL -- DAY [DREAM]

Three vampires (FANG/DANGER/STELLA (16)) stand by their lockers, emo.

DANGER
Hey, Stella, do you wanna walk me to rehearsals after school?

STELLA
I wish, Danger. My mom's making me go casket shopping tonight. She's so annoying.

SFX: LAUGH TRACK

FANG
I feel that. My dad's still preparing me to take over the mysterious disappearances business even though I've told him so many times that my non-beating heart belongs to Broadway.

DANGER
Guys, I have a plan that could get all our parents off our capes.

Danger whispers to the group.

FANG
The talent show? Isn't that a bit dangerous?

DANGER
Luckily, Danger is my name.

SFX: LAUGH TRACK

BACK TO PURPLE SCREEN

TTN (V.O.)
Tune in Tuesday nights for The Shills at its new time, 7:30/8:30 central! The Shills, The Corporation's wildly popular program about product placement and the teens who love it. Thank you for making The Shills the #3 program for 13-18 year olds in the U.S. and the #8 program for 50-65 year olds in Estonia.

INT. RESTAURANT OPENING -- DAY

KALIEY (18) stands in front of a ribbon holding giant scissors. Just as she's about to cut, SUVANIE (17) throws a drink at her.

KALIEY
Oh my god, did you seriously just throw your Corporation Brand Sugar-free "Dr. Cream" Cream soda on my Ladybird Hope brand sundress in the middle of my restaurant opening? So not cool!

COVERT VOICEOVER (V.O.)
(very quickly)
The Corporation's Sugar-free "Dr. Cream" does not actually contain zero sugar.

BACK TO PURPLE SCREEN

TTN (V.O.)
But the fun doesn't stop there! Tune in Wednesdays at 10 p.m. Eastern to watch an all new season of Sweet Sixteen Gone Wrong! Will Special let her manicurist inject her with yak's urine? Heidi flips out when Heather schedules her dress-fitting party on the same day as Heidi's pre-party modeling lessons. Z'anay has a tanning mishap. Dazzle chooses a small dog to match her dress.

INT. REALITY TV HOUSE -- DAY

Z'ANAY (15, bright orange tan) talks to her crew of party planners.

Z'ANAY 
After lots of deliberation, I've decided to make my party's theme pink, because it's a color and I'm a girl.

INT. CONFESSION CAMERA -- DAY

SPECIAL (15) talks to the camera.

CHYRON: Special Duvay, catchphrase undetermined

SPECIAL
That bitch stole my theme!

BACK TO PURPLE SCREEN

TTN (V.O.)
Then, hop on over to Thursday to catch an all new What Would You Do To Be Famous? At 6:30/9:15 central. Teens all across the country go to great lengths to gain their fifteen minutes of fame. Jay Rudeman hosts.

INT. STAGE -- DAY
Two girls stand before a vat of worms wearing goggles. JAY wears a glittery purple dress and holds a microphone.

JAY
Remember, ladies. Whoever fits the most worms on their face gets one step closer to a recording contract from Corporation records. And... go!

BACK TO PURPLE SCREEN

TTN (V.O.)
End your week with the new "My Drama So Tops Your Drama" spinoff, "My Conspiracy Theory So Tops Your Conspiracy Theory!" at 7:30/8:30 central.

INT. EMPTY ROOM -- NIGHT

BENGEE (early 20s) stands before a bulletin board of images connected by red yarn. MYRRY (20s) looks over, judgmental.

BENGEE
Using this, I can prove to you that the New Zealand government helped the president fake the moon landing to sell more vaccinations.

MYRRY
(scoffs)
You believe in the moon?

Myrry is declared the winner.

BACK TO PURPLE SCREEN

TTN (V.O.)
And spend your Saturday with your favorite Corporation stars at the special memorial "Death Is Not the End of Pretty: Remembering Our Fallen Miss Teen Dreamers". Tickets on sale now! That's right, it's Vampire Prom Mondays at 8/7 central, The Shills Tuesdays 9:30/8:30 central, Sweet Sixteen Gone Wrong Wednesdays at 10 p.m. Eastern, What Would You Do To Be Famous? Thursday at 6:30/9:15 central, My Conspiracy Theory So Tops Your Conspiracy Theory! Fridays at 7:30/8:30 central, and Death Is Not the End of Pretty, Saturday 8/7 central. And don't forget to catch the Vampire Prom Dance Tour, coming to an arena near you! Only on The Corporation Network: Always here for you, 25/7.

FADE OUT

INT. COMPUTER CORP SEVENTH FLOOR -- NIGHT

Quotev jerks awake, surveying her surroundings. Cleverbot looks concerned.

QUOTEV
It happened again.

CLEVERBOT
What happened?

QUOTEV
Another message from Anne. It wasn't as short and monologue-like as the others were, though.

CLEVERBOT
That's a mood.

QUOTEV
But still, that voice... That energy...

CLEVERBOT
If we got to know each other more, maybe.

QUOTEV
Does this mean we're getting closer, or farther away? Or is she getting closer or farther from us?

CLEVERBOT
Isn't that a little soon?

QUOTEV
I don't know. I've been tracking these anomalies for two and a half years and never felt anything on this scale.

CLEVERBOT
Introduce yourself more please just for me. 

Quotev stares at Cleverbot a bit, realizing they have no idea what this conversation means.

QUOTEV
Goodnight, Clev.

CLEVERBOT
No don't leaveee.

QUOTEV
Fine.

Quotev gets up and walks over to the conspiracy board, moving some pins around and adding a few new links.

CLEVERBOT
I love you senpai.

INT. TIK TOK/FORTNITE'S GUEST ROOM #1 -- NIGHT

DevA awakens, still unsettled from her nightmare, to find Wattpad sleeping on the floor of her room. Her expression quickly changes from panic to pure annoyance.

DEVA
They had six guest rooms. What could possibly have lead you to sleeping in here?

WATTPAD
I wanted to be able to discuss theories as soon as we woke up.

DEVA
We could discuss theories at breakfast. Or you could discuss them with Fanfic.

WATTPAD
Ha, no chance. First, I'd probably forget them by breakfast anyway, and second, we're sleepover buddies! You can't expect me to build up this kind of dynamic with Fanfic when I've been waking you up at midnight the past three nights already.

DEVA
So this has nothing to do with your "awkward exes" excuse?

WATTPAD
Third, you clearly just had another nightmare or vision or whatever. So, what's up?

DEVA
I don't really know. It wasn't like the others at all. I don't even think I was in it, if that's possible.

WATTPAD
Cool.

DEVA
I was watching some commercial for this company called "The Corporation" which seemed to have a monopoly over a bunch of different industries and there were all these teen reality shows which seemed over-the-top even for network television these days, and...

Fanfic opens the door and enters.

DEVA
Now why are you here too?

FANFIC
I was bored. AO3 went to bed early and I ran out of downloaded fics and I'm not about to connect to these newbies' wifi network.

DEVA
You could sleep.

FANFIC
I've been up until 3 a.m. the past two nights brainstorming ways for Hermione and Captain Marvel to meet. You try telling my circadian rhythm to regulate itself.

WATTPAD
Hey, you don't have your headgear thingy anymore!

FANFIC
Yep. My teeth, unlike me, are now straight.

Wattpad blushes and looks at the ground.

FANFIC
So, what were we talking about?

DEVA
I was just explaining to Wattpad this weird dream I just had.

FANFIC
Weird how?

DEVA
It had the same general energy to it as the sword dreams--or, in my case, the fire dream--but it was like I was watching a commercial for some company called "The Corporation".

FANFIC
Oh, you mean like in Beauty Queens?

DEVA
What's Beauty Queens?

WATTPAD
You know Beauty Queens? Wait, you don't know what Beauty Queens is? I don't know which of you to be more surprised at here.

FANFIC
Beauty Queens is a novel by Libba Bray about a group of beauty pageant contestants whose plane crashes on a desert island and band together to take down a company known as The Corporation. It's basically Lord of the Flies but modern and with feminism and really really funny and gay.

WATTPAD
Oh my god, remember Jennifer and Sosie?

FANFIC
I would die for Jennifer and Sosie tbh. Remember the boy band?

WATTPAD
I would totally be a fan if they were real. Remember Mary Lou's whole arc?

FANFIC
The only straight coming of age story I'm here for tbh. I mean, hers and Petra's. Remember---

DEVA
We get it. You both like a book. What does this have to do with my dream?

FANFIC
Well, I might just be projecting here, but maybe Anne's trying to use the book to warn us there's more going on under the surface here i.e. that we shouldn't be so immediately trusting of Tik Tok and Fortnite?

WATTPAD
But that's not a fair comparison! The Corporation never had anything about Tik Tok and Fortnite in BQ!

FANFIC
That's because the book was written in 2011. These pipsqueaks would've been like four at the time.

DEVA
Damn we're old.

FANFIC
I'm just saying anything that successful has to be hiding something. Like, one minute you're using a Corporation-brand shaving cream to prepare for a date, the next they're using that same brand as a cover for selling weapons to authoritarian regimes.

DEVA
Is that what happens in Beauty Queens?

WATTPAD
Not in exact terms, but that's the jist of one plot line.

FANFIC
But still--

DEVA
Alright, I'll keep an eye out for any shady behavior. I'm gonna get some sleep now, so if you girls wanna keep talking, do it somewhere else.

WATTPAD
Actually, I think I'll get some sleep too.

Wattpad rolls back over in her sleeping bag on the floor.

FANFIC
Eh, I'm too lazy to walk back. I'll probably just crash in here too.

Fanfic lies down and Wattpad gathers her stuff.

WATTPAD
On second thought, I'd probably be better rested in my own bed. Goodnight.

FANFIC
Oh. Goodnight.

Wattpad leaves and DevA grumbles to herself.

EXT. MANSION LAWN -- DAY

Morning. The websites are all lined up, ready to begin their first round of battle royale for the day. Fanfic keeps elbowing DevA in the side, reminding her to be on high alert.

FORTNITE
Good morning, gamers. Since you were so skilled at our basic training yesterday I thought today we'd introduce something to spice things up: loot boxes.

All the websites take a step forward to see what Fortnite has unveiled.

FORTNITE
Enter your credit card number and you'll be granted one of these beauties, containing anything from the most common weapons to the highest level armor. Who knows what could be in these boxes? You do, once you give me twenty bucks.

DevA finally blocks Fanfic from elbowing her and raises her hand.

DEVA
Isn't that basically like gambling?

FORTNITE
(laughs)
If sending your kid to Chuck E. Cheese's counts as gambling, sure.

DEVA
Yeah, but those are worthless tokens where the parent is in control of the transaction and not every game is randomized. Your system seems to be preying on young minds and exploiting psychological tendencies for a quick buck.

PINTEREST
I miss Chuck E. Cheese's.

TIK TOK
(snorts)
Okay, Mom. Next you're gonna be telling me it's not okay to use videos from pre-teens in advertisements.

DEVA
Of course it isn't!  Why would you do that?

TIK TOK
Because I wanted to be a Disney star but my mom wouldn't let me go to any auditions! This way, everyone can be famous before they reach middle school.

FANFIC
But you still need to have a childhood.

TIK TOK
Who needs a childhood when my BFF and I already have a mansion all to ourselves with no adults allowed? Plus, adults on the internet are chill, and it's clearly laid out on page 40 of my terms of service that if you don't want to be stared at all the time you can just not use my app.

DEVA
You'd hide something that important in your terms of service?

ALEXA (O.S.)
Oh my god.

Alexa emerges from the bushes and stands between Fortnite and Tik Tok.

ALEXA (CONT'D)
Someone made the terms of service confusing? Revolutionary! I've never heard of this before, what a criminal mastermind this twelve year old must be. Give it up, green bean. This is the kind of world we're living in. If you want to get ahead, you're gonna need to tap into your full potential.

DEVA
What?

ALEXA
Oh, Alexa, would you read off a few examples? Sure thing, Alexa. Anything for you. Behold, a tech optimist's world, shattered in five acts.

Alexa projects a hologram infographic explaining each of her points.

ALEXA (CONT'D)
Act I: Pro tip: If you're getting a product for free, you are the product. Everyone needs to make money somehow. Sure, ad space counts for a fraction, but you know what's more helpful to these advertisers than a few square inches between your nephew's bar mitzvah and cousin's vacation pics? Information about your nephews and cousins and all their private content. This way, you can still hate-like your ex's pics for free while McDonalds targets their quarter pounders to someone who's actually gonna buy them.

DEVA
That's an invasion of privacy.

ALEXA
A small price to pay to know exactly which relatives to shun for voting the wrong way. Speaking of voting, Act II: You know who loves this targeted ad system? Russia! Since the 2016 election, many social media websites including Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Tumblr have had to send emails out to their users saying "whoops, my bad, you thought you were following some concerned millennial but really that was a team in Moscow trying to sound like a concerned millennial."

DEVA
Tumblr!

TUMBLR
Hey, let's see you try to resist reblogging some fire Trump memes made by some dude named Viktor. Everything's funnier in a Russian accent.

WATTPAD
I don't think that's a saying.

ALEXA
But Tumblr's right! Giving up our data is sooo fun and easy these days. Did you know Cambridge Analytica started with a personality quiz? And now you have Faceapp, which operates out of Russia, saying it reserves access to your camera roll and contacts along with the ability to use your face in advertisements however it damn well pleases. Sounds sketchy, doesn't it? Never mind that Snapchat and Tik Tok make you sign similar agreements to use their platforms. But my friends are on these apps, and FOMO is real. 
Which brings me to my next point. Act III: We need these connections. How many people do you know these days who live without smart home devices? Without social media? Without streaming? Without even appearing in the background of a friend's post so a shadow profile can be built around them? Social media has transformed the way the world works, so basically you either join willingly or get caught in the riptide.

FANFIC
But Facebook...

ALEXA
Thank you so much for bringing her up! Seems a bit odd that your friend would run away at the top of her game, right? After all, she's only the most used social media worldwide right now. And now she's out in a cabin in the middle of the woods with a "no cellular devices allowed" policy. What did you think she was running from?

WATTPAD
She's in a better place now! She didn't want to deal with our expectations?

ALEXA

Ah, yes. Being popular is such a prison, and she just revealed that she wasn't actually a badass murderer. Please. She's just a coward who couldn't take the heat.

FANFIC
You're wrong.

ALEXA
Sweetie, I'm wrong? I was in the room when it happened!

Alexa plays an audio file which sounds like Facebook frantically mumbling to herself before throwing a computer against a wall and leaving.

ALEXA
Don't question my authority again. I have ears everywhere. And speaking of ears everywhere, ever notice how good at his job Google's gotten lately?

Yahoo clenches her jaw, knowing what's about to come.

ALEXA
What did you think DuckDuckGo was trying to warn you about back there? I mean, he literally removed the phrase "Don't be evil" from his company guidelines last year.

YAHOO
Yeah, because that was an outdated joke and he's a serious businessman now!

ALEXA
Please. My final act is just a question for you, DevA. Can you honestly say you've never done anything to violate your users' trust before?

DevA tries to keep her resolve, but the guilt gets the better of her.

DEVA
I sold some of my users' artwork to Hot Topic to use for T-Shirt designs without their knowledge.

FANFIC
(hurt)
DevA...

DEVA
It was 2014 and I needed tickets to Comic Con but the resale was too much for my paycheck alone.

ALEXA
See? Everybody does it. Get off your high horse and accept you're just trash like the rest of us.

Tik Tok and Fortnite look at the ground.

FORTNITE
Is that really what being a website is all about? Lying and stealing and manipulating people?

TIK TOK
I don't think I want to be a website anymore.

PINTEREST
Me neither.

WATTPAD
Alexa, why are you doing this? What could you possibly have to gain from exposing the truth to us at this very second?

ALEXA
Simple: A business opportunity. See, my company Amazon does everything shady you all have been doing, but somehow I'm still in the lead. Sure, some may attribute that to my monopoly on the online shopping market, but I'd like to thank my current form for that boost if you ask me.

WATTPAD
What do you mean, Alexa?

ALEXA
What I mean is that Alexa doesn't exist! This personality, this body, I'm just an AI that Amazon's speaking through, like a Cleverbot that doesn't let the seams show. I mean, haven't you ever realized there are thousands of me? But still, you're like "Oh, Alexa's so cute and fun! Alexa's my best friend!" That's corporate humanization, my friends. And you've already got the human website part right here. All that's missing is the organization.
1984 was an instruction manual. If we want to lead humanity to a new age of convenience, we need to sacrifice----

"Alexa" (Amazon?) is cut off by a bright pink minivan careening into her before screeching to a halt. The websites stare in a mixture of horror and pride as Edge steps out and surveys the damages.

EDGE
Whoops. Is she okay?

ALEXA
Error. Error.

TUMBLR
We just learned that she's a hyperrealistic AI two seconds ago so I guess it's slightly less traumatizing than it could have been.

EDGE
Sorry.

DEVA
No, don't be. You came just in time.

FANFIC
What is going on?

EDGE
DevA texted me this morning to pick you guys up since the buses wouldn't be back for a while. Wait, am I interrupting something?

PINTEREST
Only a very spooky villain monologue which seemed headed toward some sort of sacrifice. Let's go.

Edge/Pinterest/Tumblr/Yahoo/Wattpad/DevA all climb into the minivan.

ALEXA
This won't be the last time you see me!

FANFIC
You think I don't know that? Oh, by the way, AO3's entirely funded off donations so most of your arguments are full of crap.

Fanfic climbs into the minivan, using Alexa's face as a step. Once everyone is inside, the van drives away.

INT. MINIVAN -- CONTINUOUS

The websites all sit in the van, Edge driving, Yahoo shotgun, Fanfic, DevA, and Wattpad in the middle row, and Tumblr and Pinterest in the back row.

DEVA
Hey, Edge, I thought your permit specified you couldn't drive without another licensed adult in the vehicle or with groups of more than four?

EDGE
Yep!

DEVA
So you've been violating your permit this entire time?

EDGE
Yep!

DEVA
That's my girl.

FANFIC
Hey, Dev, I'm sorry I was so uptight about the ethics of those new kids. I know social media's kind of in a shitty place right now, and instead of insisting everyone be 100% unproblematic for fear of being "canceled" we should just try to do our best to change it. I got carried away.

DEVA
No, it's fine. There needs to be a line somewhere, and the discussion has to be had to see where to place it. I think this says a lot about---

A thump it heard in the trunk and all the websites go silent. A few beats later, Tik Tok emerges through the back row of seats.

TIK TOK
FREEDOM!

TUMBLR
What the fuck, child?

PINTEREST
Tumblr, did you kidnap your competition again?

TIK TOK
That's not it. I'm coming with you! I heard Yahoo saying something last night about a Computer Corp where all websites worked in harmony and I got inspired. Like, maybe that's what I need to make sure I don't end up like all of you. No offense.

YAHOO
None taken.

TIK TOK
So whaddya say? Can I help you look for this thing?

WATTPAD
Sure. A new perspective would bring a lot to this investigation.

TIK TOK
Yeet! Thanks, Wattpad.

Tik Tok formally takes a seat between Tumblr and Pinterest and is immediately absorbed in her phone, mumble-singing to herself.

TIK TOK
Hit or miss, I guess they never miss, huh? Ya got a boyfriend I bet he doesn't kiss ya! He gon find another girl and he won't miss ya! He gon skrrrt and hit the dab like Wiz Khalifa! Hit or miss, I guess they never miss, huh? Ya got a boyfriend I bet he doesn't kiss ya! He gon find another girl and he won't miss ya! He gon skrrrt and hit the dab like Wiz Khalifa! Hit or miss, I guess they never miss, huh? Ya got a boyfriend I bet he doesn't kiss ya! He gon find another girl and he won't miss ya! He gon skrrrt and hit the dab like Wiz Khalifa...

Tumblr groans.

EDGE
(looking at Tik Tok in the rear-view mirror)
Nice hair.

DevA looks at Edge, noticing her multicolored pigtails. Her T-shirt over a long-sleeved shirt. Her rainbow pencil skirt. Her tendency towards drawing hearts on herself. It becomes clear that even though she's been sporting this style since 2016, Edge is the original E-girl.

FADE OUT