INT. CAR -- DAY

Wattpad and Fanfic sit in the back of a car. LYFT, an app who looks very similar to Uber except pink, is driving them while ranting about something the two websites obviously do not care about.

LYFT
...That's another thing I don't get about Uber, he's so impersonal. I swear you could get a ride from him and never have to say two words. But that doesn't fly in today's economy, people like to be connected! People want someone to chat with, an emotional embrace you cannot get anywhere other than Lyft, ladies. Am I right?

Fanfic grunts, which Lyft takes as his cue to keep going.

LYFT
I mean look at us now, having a nice wholesome conversation instead of just all absorbed into our phones...

Wattpad and Fanfic are both on their phones to avoid having to listen to Lyft's ramblings. Fanfic is texting writer memes back and forth with AO3 while Wattpad searches for a song to play on her airpods.

She selects one and leans her head against the window, watching the rain drizzle down it as they pass through hundreds of seemingly-identical trees.

https://youtu.be/Oaub8gyz6qc

EXT. BEGINNING OF TRAIL -- CONTINUOUS

The car finally comes to a stop at the end of a wooded trail. Wattpad's song reaches the end and she takes her airpods out to hear Lyft still ranting.

LYFT
..which I also think was why my dad was so strict. Anyway, then in seventh grade I realized I was allergic to shellfish during the cast party of our school's production of Cats...

FANFIC
We're here.

LYFT
Already? Man, time flies when you're having fun. Remember to rate me five stars so you can get me again instead of some boring Uber. I mean, come on...

Fanfic/Wattpad climb out of the car and close the door before beginning their hike up the path.

WATTPAD
Are you sure this is the right spot? It looks very forest-y.

FANFIC
I'm just going off of what DevA told us.
(a beat)
But you're right. Do you think she was captured by the fae?

WATTPAD
Faeries aren't real, Fanfic.

Wattpad sees a circle of mushrooms with a clearing in the center and turns to walk in the opposite direction, superstitious.

EXT. FURTHER UP THE TRAIL -- CONTINUOUS

Wattpad and Fanfic continue walking through the woods until they reach a mailbox standing in the center of the path, no house in sight.

FANFIC
What's this... "No cell phones permitted beyond this point"?

WATTPAD
She is really testing our newfound trust in her, isn't she?

FANFIC
Huh?

WATTPAD
Nothing.

Wattpad/Fanfic drop their phones in the mailbox and keep walking.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. FACEBOOK'S COTTAGE -- CONTINUOUS

Wattpad and Fanfic finally reach a modest, secluded cottage painted an eggshell blue at the end of the path. They approach the doorway, standing on a welcome mat donning the words "KEEP OUT" and ring the doorbell. A screen lights up on the door bearing nine photos and the instructions "Select all the images with crosswalks".

WATTPAD
Damn Captchas...

After multiple tries, the screen disappears and Fanfic knocks on the door. Moments later it is answered by ARYN, a nonbinary pal with an undercut dyed dark pink.

ARYN
You don't have any electronics on you?

FANFIC
Correct.

Aryn breathes a sigh of relief.

ARYN
Thanks for listening! Come on in!

INT. FACEBOOK'S COTTAGE -- CONTINUOUS

Wattpad/Fanfic follow Aryn into a quaint front room minimally decorated aside from a few photos of Facebook and Aryn together and some musical instruments. Aside from the lights, there are absolutely no electronics visible. Facebook sits on the floor playing with two pitbull puppies. She looks up to see her old friends and smiles.

FACEBOOK
Hey guys.

FANFIC
(confused)
Hey Facebook...

WATTPAD
Would you mind answering a few questions for us? If you're comfortable with that, of course.

FACEBOOK
Sure, what about?

FANFIC
They're about, uh, Computer Corp...

Wattpad/Fanfic brace themselves for the inevitable rush of emotions, but Facebook just laughs.

FACEBOOK
It's fine. I'm not some fragile flower running from her past anymore. Let's hear it.

Fanfic/Wattpad, obviously not having anticipated that reaction, take their seats on the floor across from Facebook. Aryn sits between them, enjoying the peace but also ready to spring into action the moment things go south.

WATTPAD
So... Question number one: What is that puppy's name and can I hold it?

ARYN
Wouldn't that technically be two questions?

FACEBOOK
Her name's Peyton and yes, she loves snuggles.

Facebook picks up her puppy and hands her off to Fanfic.

FACEBOOK
Now come on, guys. I know you didn't travel all the way out here just to ask about my dogs. What's really bothering you?

Wattpad and Fanfic awkwardly stare at the floor.

FACEBOOK
Fine, if you won't ask me, I'll just have Aryn do it. Aryn?

ARYN
Hey Facebook, where have you been for the past few months?

FACEBOOK
Great question, Aryn! Totally not rehearsed at all!

Aryn grins.

FACEBOOK
Well, the long version of the story is that after the trial, I returned to work and continued my duties as always, albeit with less cover-ups and misguided animosity. However, that got old fast.

ARYN
She lives for the drama, that one.

FACEBOOK
(teasing)
Shut up. Anyway, then boom!

ARYN
Pow!

FACEBOOK
Bang! Computer Corp just up and disappears, and suddenly I don't know who I am ! Sure, I wasn't shackled to He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named anymore...

ARYN
For the record I had a better Harry Potter themed insult lined up but it's entirely nsfw and these puppies aren't ready to hear that kind of language.

FACEBOOK
But that job was everything I'd ever known since high school. Side note: Why would they let high schoolers work in a place where popularity and drama and all that stuff translates into actual cash? Totally toxic, and not the Brittney Spears kind. 

ARYN
Well, kind of the Brittney Spears kind.

FACEBOOK
Anyway, cue the existential crisis...

ARYN
And cue her calling me to help with the existential crisis even though we'd spoken, like, twice.

FACEBOOK
Pink is a calming color for me. Anyway, after trying for months to maintain my website duties in this changing social climate, I decided it wasn't worth it. TL;DR Aryn and I just disappeared into the countryside because I'm done.

WATTPAD
What do you mean you're done?

FACEBOOK
I mean I'm done. I'm not doing that whole website thing anymore. It's not fun for me. Besides, can you imagine being a mainstream social media site right now, trying to please everyone without selling yourself out? Sounds like Hell.

Aryn covers Peyton's ears.

CUT TO:

INT. LAW OFFICE -- DAY

Two UNNAMED CEOS argue across a table from one another. At the head of the table sits TUMBLR, looking displeased as ever, and a LAWYER.

TUMBLR
Tell me again why you couldn't just get Cards Against Humanity to buy my site?

LAWYER
We reached out multiple times, Tumblr. I just don't think they're ready.

TUMBLR
This is so sad. Alexa, play Despacito.

Alexa, standing near the door like a guard, begins playing the song "Despacito" through a speaker she's holding. The CEOs continue to argue as Yahoo and Pinterest enter the room. Tumblr appears excited until she spots her former boss.

TUMBLR
(disgusted)
Oh, it's you.

Pinterest looks between the two like a confused puppy.

PINTEREST
Huh?

YAHOO
Tumblr, you know I wouldn't have done this if I didn't think it was what's best for your company.

TUMBLR
Sure, what's better for a company already nicknamed the cesspool of the internet than literally being bought by *orn**b.

YAHOO
Why'd you censor it?

TUMBLR
I didn't want my account to get terminated.

PINTEREST
I don't know, being bought by a corncob sounds pretty sweet to me.

Tumblr gives Yahoo a look as if to say "is she serious?", and Yahoo responds with a look that says "leave her be".

PINTEREST
But I thought you two were buddies! You know, "only Yahoo can tell me what to do" and all that?

TUMBLR
(laughs)
Well not anymore apparently.

YAHOO
Tumblr!
(sighs)
Yes, Pinterest, I decided to sell my share of Tumblr's partnership. I was losing money, no one wanted to advertise with her, and I thought some independence would do her well. It's a learning experience.

TUMBLR
Yeah, easy for you to say. All you had to do was hit some buttons and you were done with me. Meanwhile, I've been your little lackey since I was sixteen and now suddenly here comes the identity crisis except no, we don't have time to sort through feelings because I need to present myself as a competent young woman in front of these jackasses.

LAWYER
I would advise you not to refer to the other clients as jackasses while the transaction has not yet been completed.

TUMBLR
They're not listening to me anyway. God, being a website is the actual worst. No wonder Computer Corp shut down, having all of us under one roof must've been obnoxious.

CUT TO:

INT. FACEBOOK'S COTTAGE -- CONTINUOUS

Wattpad and Fanfic look to each other.

FANFIC
But if you're not a social media website anymore...

FACEBOOK
Why is there still Facebook? Well Facebook the brand and Facebook the me are two very different things. In fact, Aryn's been trying to help me get rid of the second one for months.

ARYN
Whoa, that sounded dark. Really, I've just been suggesting name change options. Speaking of which: Mario Pardi.

FACEBOOK
No.

ARYN
Not a fan of pun names. What about KVIIlyn spelled K-V-I-I-l-y-n?

FACEBOOK
That's not even the correct Roman numeral.

ARYN
That's what makes it unique. What about--

FACEBOOK
Can this wait until after the guests leave?

ARYN
Got it.

FACEBOOK
As for the brand, I transferred control of my copyright as well as a bunch of other stuff to Instagram a couple months ago, with some limitations I'm sure she's griped to you about if you've got this address. So basically there still technically is a Facebook out there, but I've made it so I never have to think about her again if I don't want to.

WATTPAD
I've got that, it's just... you're a website. That type of thing doesn't change.

Upbeat ukulele music can be heard in the distance.

FACEBOOK
Well anything can change, and everything someday will. Sure, it takes a bit of effort for some of the bigger stuff, but that's the beauty of life. If you don't like your character, you can always make a new one.

Facebook begins to sing.

FACEBOOK
You used to see me
as just some hot girl stereotype
'cause that's just how the shadow hits.
Then as the light turned up
a villain, victim, criminal mind
costumes that never quite fit

But beauty's in the eye of the beholder
One thing I've found out as I've gotten older

Is that
I can he-e-e-elp it
Nothing's set in stone alone
Or when you've got a friend to call home
I know
I can he-e-e-elp it
Those expectations pass me by
I don't need to define who I am inside...

INT. LAW OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS

Tumblr crosses her arms and glares at the arguing CEOs as she begins to sing.

TUMBLR
I know I am a
too-loud rebellious wild child
and some see that as a red flag.
Learn to censor myself
come across as so sweet and mild
dump out half of the mixed bag

Then every time they're reaching for their checkbook
I unleash my crazy, sit 'em down and say look

Hey
I can't he-e-e-elp it
my instinct is to cause a scene
like tryin'a catfish Mr. Clean
Y'know
I can't he-e-e-elp it
You're new and tell me what to do
But I only take rules from Yahoo.

SPLITSCREEN:

ON THE LEFT: Facebook sings her part of the bridge which overlaps with Tumblr's.

ON THE RIGHT: Tumblr sings her part of the bridge which overlaps with Facebook's.

FACEBOOK
I am enough...

TUMBLR
I am enough of a nuisance that I should wear a warning
I'm stuck...

FACEBOOK
I'm stuck to my ideals, they're what I feel, they're what
I can become...

TUMBLR
I can become a massive drain on your time and energy

FACEBOOK/TUMBLR
Love me or hate me
Or feel indiff'rently
Does nothing to change the fact I know

I know
I can(can't) he-e-e-elp it
I'm a type B personality
this drum marches to her own beat
You see
I can(can't) he-e-e-elp it
I was born to make my own way
So of course that has to start today...

END SPLIT SCREEN. Tumblr sulks even further down in her chair as the meeting continues.

CEO
Is there some way we could convert the display into a nice blue-grey palate to cut down on eye strain and increase blue light consumption?

LAWYER
Yes, of course.

TUMBLR
(mumbling)
You can pry my eyesore post type icons from my eyesore dead hands.

LAWYER
(whispering)
What does that even mean, Tumblr?

Tumblr sighs.

PINTEREST
Well, if what you're mad about is not being in Computer Corp anymore have we got news for you!

YAHOO
Right. The mission. Tumblr, I know the transition into making it as your own company isn't a pleasant thing to think about, but some of us were wondering if the reason we're not working together anymore isn't because of some conflicts but rather a supernatural occurrence.

The corners of Tumblr's mouth twitch at the mention of Supernatural but she fights to keep scowling.

PINTEREST
Which is why we need you to work with us again. Wattpad, Fanfic, DevA, and me, sure we're fine on our own, but you were like our leader. You can't take the sugar out of a sugar cookie recipe and expect it to be just as sweet. Well, I mean, you technically have to for my no-sugar-added sugar cookie recipe. Bad example. Yahoo?

YAHOO
Please come work with us again.

TUMBLR
I'll work for you.

YAHOO
Actually, seeing as I'm not the one employing you, it's--

TUMBLR
I'll work for you, with you buying back your shares in my company and resuming our partnership, or I won't work at all. Final offer.

Pinterest looks to Yahoo with pleading eyes.

YAHOO
Fine. I will consider becoming your mentor again but only in the event that this all works out and we get Computer Corp back to the way it once was. We can use this whole adventure as some bizarre twist on an interview.

PINTEREST
Yay!

TUMBLR
There's the not-mad-just-disappoint mom Yahoo I know and love.

Tumblr and Yahoo shake hands.

LAWYER
At least I was able to close one deal today.

INT. FACEBOOK'S COTTAGE -- CONTINUOUS

Wattpad, Facebook, Aryn, and Fanfic, as before.

FACEBOOK
So were there any other ulterior motives with this visit or did you just wanna say hey?

Wattpad elbows Fanfic in the side, then when she doesn't say anything, begins the explanation herself.

WATTPAD
Uh, that too, but mostly there's a group of us who are investigating what happened to shut down Computer Corp and try to bring it back.

Aryn braces themselves, ready to end the conversation the moment their partner gets too overwhelmed.

FACEBOOK
No thanks. I'm glad to see a few familiar faces again--especially you two. You guys were adorable together--but I just don't think that's the kind of environment that should be revived. I know I have no idea what everyone else's opinions are, but even if my experience of that place had been completely positive, I still advise against pursuing this. Living in the past never works, it's time to learn from it and make your own way in the future. She did this for a reason, and I think trying to fight her on this will only end badly for all of us.

WATTPAD
(aggrivated)
Who did this? Did you know Anne?

ARYN
I think that's enough questions for today.

Wattpad and Fanfic take this as their cue to leave, Wattpad slightly pissed off and Fanfic just going along for the ride. As they're about to leave the cottage, Facebook stops them.

FACEBOOK
Hey, even though I won't be joining on your quest, would you mind passing on to the others that I'm okay now? I left in such a hurry and after such a cryptic moment, and I'd hate to have them worrying that it got the best of me. The truth is, despite appearances or lack thereof, I think this is truly the happiest I've ever been.

Fanfic smiles, proud of her coworker's personal growth.

EXT. A SECTION OF TRAIL -- SUNSET

Wattpad and Fanfic walk down the wooded trail, back on their phones. Fanfic is texting and Wattpad is listening to music again.

https://youtu.be/Zk6UOWzuRzI

After the chorus ends, Fanfic reaches over and takes one of her airpods out.

WATTPAD
What was that for?

FANFIC
I wanted to talk. So, Facebook seems to be doing better.

WATTPAD
Clearly. She's so evolved that not only does she not need any of us but she's freaking met Anne and refuses to explain it.

FANFIC
Yeah, that was weird.

The girls walk in silence a beat.

FANFIC
You'd tell me if you thought getting back together was a bad idea, right?

WATTPAD
What?

FANFIC
All that stuff she said about it being a toxic environment and living in the past, do you feel like this is a bad idea?

WATTPAD
No, do you?

FANFIC
Of course not. Her experiences were colored by being with a controlling ex and never forming meaningful connections, whereas you know how fun it was to work together all those years.

WATTPAD
Yeah. Besides, even if her tone was a bit sour for our liking, Facebook brought us a ton of new information. She/her pronouns for the killer? Sympathetic motive? The implied confirmation of Anne's existence?

FANFIC
That last one was a big one. Don't tell Quotev, but most of the time I just try to humor her when she'll pulling bizarre stuff like that. It's nice to know she was telling the truth.

WATTPAD
Same.
(a beat)
Hey, remember when Facebook said she thought we were ador---

Before she can finish that sentence, Tumblr jumps out of the trees and tackles Wattpad in a bear hug. Yahoo and Pinterest run to catch up, but the group is already laughing and rolling around in the dirt.

FANFIC
Tumblr!

TUMBLR
Hey, Fanny. Sorry you didn't get first flying-ninja-hug, but it's so fun to interrupt this one when she's about to make a sly proclamation.

WATTPAD
Nice to see you too.

YAHOO
Alright. Now that the other half of the team has been alerted to your presence, can we go home? We have a group interview with Buzzfeed at eight a.m. tomorrow and I don't want any of us slacking off.

TUMBLR
Sure, just a sec.

Tumblr attempts a group hug with Wattpad, Yahoo, and Fanfic while Pinterest latches onto her. It seems the squad has finally been reunited.

FADE OUT