Warning: This episode is 8,101 words. I'm sorry I couldn't make it less, but if I left out as much as I could without ruining the episode. If anyone has any problems with the length, blame FandomsAmazing.

Also, it may give you the feels.

It's 10:20 at night. The Pinvengers are all in Pinterest's minivan, going to Computer Corp to find the evidence. Pinterest's driving, DevA's shotgun, Wattpad and Fanfic are in the middle, and Tumblr and Instagram are in the back. Tumblr leans forward to talk to Wattpad and Fanfic.

Tumblr: Why're we in a minivan driving to Computer Corp in the middle of the night?

Wattpad: The minivan's the only car that can fit all six of us and possibly some evidence, we're going to Computer Corp because it's where Facebook's Diary's hidden, and it's not midnight, it's 10:22. You're usually not even asleep at this time.

Tumblr mumbles angrily to herself.

Pinterest: We're here.

Pinterest parks the minivan and everyone gets out. They all stare up at the darkness of their office building, shining empty in the moonlight.

Instagram: This is my true aesthetic.

Fanfic: It looks so different when it's empty.

DevA: It's creepy. I love it.

Wattpad: How're we getting in there? Tumblr, you tried to rob this place before, you must know something.

Tumblr: Uh, if I remember correctly, Roblox did something like this?

Tumblr kicks a hole in the glass door, then unlocks in from the inside.

Tumblr: [opens door] After you?

Fanfic: The plan was to save this company, not destroy it.

Tumblr: Why can't I do both?

*

The Pinvengers walk out of the stairwell into the (now abandoned) seventh floor.

Pinterest: I don't get it. Why would they close the entire branch just because of one employee?

DevA: It's become sort of a scandal for all of us now. To the higher-ups at this company, it seems like we knew this entire time, even though this is all news to us as well.

Instagram: Facebook always did hate the browsers, it makes sense that her last duty at this company would be to mess things up for them.

Wattpad: We need to focus. Tumblr, where were you when you saw the journals?

Tumblr: It was when we were coming up with the Watfic plan. I ran into a bookshelf and before I could even ask she yelled [imitates Facebook's voice] "Don't touch thoooose!"

Wattpad: So it would have to have been in Facebook's room. How do we get to that?

Fanfic: It's behind the bookshelf in the conference room.

Wattpad: Thanks. Let's save our Facey.

The websites walk into the conference room. Instagram and DevA move the bookshelf blocking the entrance, and everyone steps through the hole in the wall into Facebook's secret room.

*

DevA: So what do we do now?

Wattpad: Tumblr, where did you knock them over exactly?

Tumblr: Hold on, I just... [looks around room] there they are.

Tumblr picks up q pile of books, all labeled "Facebook's Diary". Instagram takes a photo off the top of the pile.

Instagram: Who are these people?

Pinterest: I don't know, but I'm pinning it!

DevA: Guys, stop. I think this is Facebook's family.

Instagram: Aww! She was so adorable

Tumblr: Yeah, I wonder what happened lol.

Wattpad: Can you not? We're trying to save her from a life in prison, now's not the time to joke about her appearance.

Tumblr: Right, sorry.

Wattpad: Thank you. Now, where do we look for this evidence?

Tumblr: Idk when this whole thing started, and I guess it doesn't matter, since these don't have the years printed on them.

Fanfic: Maybe each of us should grab a journal and read until we find something?

Wattpad: Good thinking, babe.

Wattpad kisses Fanfic on the cheek and grabs diary #3.

Tumblr: Sure, I'm the one being unprofessional. This is a murder investigation!

Fanfic: Whatever. I love my gf. [picks up diary #2]

Tumblr: [trying to hide a smile] You're lucky I ship you so much.

Each of the Pinvengers takes a journal and reads for a while. After a few minutes, Tumblr says something.

Tumblr: Has anyone found anything yet?

DevA: [holds up diary #4] Isn't it a bit odd that she starts every entry not with "dear diary" but with "to whom it may concern"?

Fanfic: Not really. In eight grade all my diary entries were letters to Hermione Granger.

DevA: That's adorable, not slightly ominous.

Tumblr: Anything else?

Instagram: [holds up a diary] Diary #5 just starts out with a bunch of death threats to anyone who reads this.

Tumblr: That's not very out of character though.

Pinterest: Diary #6 just turns to coded messages halfway through.

Tumblr: That's weird. Let's look at that!

Fanfic: [turns a page in her book] Uh, guys? I think I've found the beginning.

Pinterest: Well that's definitely where we should start!

Tumblr: Yeah! I'd love to see when she first began to think about killing Myspace.

Wattpad: No, I think she means the beginning.

Fanfic: The beginning of her obsession with Myspace.

*

March 16th, 2001

To whom it may concern,

Three months ago, due to my "academic brilliance", I was transferred to the seniors advanced math class. Like any class, I hated it, but during my boredom I noticed a boy there. Like, really noticed him, in a way I'd never noticed a boy before.

I think this might be what a crush is? Sure, I've had 6 boyfriends before, but none of those were real. I can tell because, as I stare at this man, I just can't help but think "Wow, I actually don't find this one completely repulsive", which isn't much, admittedly, but it's a start.

...

Facebook is standing outside the classroom waiting for Myspace. She is sixteen.

Myspace walks out of the classroom.

Facebook: Hi! I'm Facebook!

Myspace: Oh, hey. You're that nerdy girl who moved up 2 grades in math.

Facebook: What? No! I hate school. They don't even let me take the regular math anymore, that's why I'm here.

Myspace: Really? What happened?

Facebook: Uh, I sassed a teacher?

Facebook's Diary: [voiceover] I would never even think to do such a thing! I wanted to get good grades, so I could go to a good college, and try to make something of myself! But at that moment, I only wanted to make myself one thing: his wife.

Myspace: Wow, hardcore.

The bell rings

Myspace: Well, I'm late for class. Will I see you again?

Facebook: Not in advanced math, that's for sure!

...

I still don't know why I did that, but it doesn't matter. I have a crush, and this one is here to stay.

*

Pinterest: Aww, that's cute!

Fanfic: Cute? That's terrifying!

Pinterest: But she was willing to sacrifice it all for him, that's true love!

Wattpad: Love shouldn't mean giving up your identity!

Fanfic: [whispers] Straight people confuse me.

Wattpad: Just smile and nod, babe. Anyway, what I gathered from that is [writes in her own notebook] 1. Facebook is smart.

Tumblr: She could've fooled me.

Wattpad: [ignoring Tumblr] 2. Facebook had dreams she gave up on for Myspace, whether this is romantic or horrible is undetermined.

Instagram: Well, were they dumb dreams?

Fanfic: No dreams are dumb dreams.

Tumblr: I dreamt I was a cat once.

Wattpad: We are not here to debate whether Facebook giving up on her dreams is sad or not! Anyways, 3. She was 16 in 2001, which makes her 3 years older than Tumblr predicted.

Instagram: Why would she lie about that?

Wattpad: I don't know, let's just move on to the next entry!

*

March 23rd, 2001

Today I found out the worst news of my life: He has a girlfriend. Her name is Tracy McCormick and she's so ugly and mean and what does he even see in her?! I just can't even.

...

Facebook is staring at Myspace as he runs laps in gym. Tracy sits next to her.

Tracy: Cutting class again?

Facebook: Yep.

Tracy: And you're not worried about getting in trouble?

Facebook: Nope. I'm a rebel.

Tracey: Sure.

Facebook's Diary: [voice over] Okay, maybe I'm being a little harsh, but she's way too possessive of Myspace!

Tracy: I know you have a crush on Myspace and I'm okay with that.

Facebook: Who's Myspace?

Tracy: I'm fine with it because I know you're not a threat. It's natural for kids like you to crush on the hot seniors and he's a good choice.

Facebook: I'm not just a kid with a crush. I'll marry him.

Tracy: You know if you pursue this you will get hurt. He's a man, and you're just a confused kid. You wouldn't last a week with him.

Facebook: Is that a dare?

Tracy: No, just advice. [leaves]

...

See? She's so rude! He doesn't deserve her.

...

April 17th, 2001

TODAY IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!! So, it all started at cheer practice. I was yelling out random letters like I always do, when I noticed Myspace and Tracy fighting underneath the bleachers. I walked over and heard...

...

Tracy: It's just suffocating, I can't keep living like this!

Myspace: What can I say? I'm a bit of a control freak.

Tracy: I don't think we can make this work. I'm sorry.

Myspace: Are you breaking up with me?

Tracy: Yeah, I would go for the "It's not you, it's me" angle, except it is you. It's all you.

Myspace: Fine! Be that way! I have an entire Freshman class who wants to date me!

Facebook's Diary: [voice over] Now was my chance. If I could make a cool entrance, he'd surely be mine now.

Facebook: [falls off the bleachers and lands on her face, gets up before Myspace can see] What about a cool sophomore instead?

Myspace: Meh. Okay.

...

So I guess he's kind of my boyfriend now, and I couldn't be happier. Sure, I don't get "butterflies" when I see him, and I don't want to go on dates or anything right now, but that could change. I can change.

As Tracy walked away, she whispered "Stay strong, fragile flower", which proves she wasn't right for him. I don't need to stay strong, and I'm not fragile. He'll treat me better. And if not, I'll just change him too. I'm very good at influencing people.

*

Wattpad picks up the journal and starts flipping pages.

Tumblr: What are you doing? You skipped an entire month!

Wattpad: Nothing happens for a while.

Tumblr: Foreshadowing!

Wattpad: Irl foreshadowing?

Tumblr: It happens more than you think.

Wattpad: [still flipping pages] Not much happens for a few months, Facebook's now popular, etc... Wait. This is surprising.

Fanfic: What?

Wattpad: [reading] August 20th, 2001...

*

To whom it may concern,

I just got back from an interesting conversation with Myspace...

...

Facebook and Myspace are sitting on Myspace's couch, watching a movie.The credits roll and Facebook turn to Myspace.

Facebook: I can't believe I'm going to start school without you. It'll be so boring.

Myspace: I'll be with you.

Facebook: That's so sweet! Figuratively, right?

Myspace: Nope.

Facebook: But you were a senior last year... did you fail?

Myspace: I won't be with you at school.

Facebook: What do you mean, then?

Myspace: You're going to drop out.

Facebook: Why would I do that?

Myspace: You don't need school. Your parents are rich, and I'll have a job soon, what need is there for you to be educated?

Facebook: Money's not important. I just want to do something-

Myspace: You will do something: supporting me.

Facebook: I don't know...

Myspace: Please drop out. For me?

Facebook thinks for a while.

Facebook: I guess.

Myspace: Perfect! Thanks, Facey.

Facebook: I love you.

Myspace: Me too.

...

Why did I do that? Quitting advanced classes were one thing, but this? Is it even worth it?

Yes, it must be. I do love him. He's the best thing in my life, and I'd do anything to keep him with me. I just hope everyone understands.

...

Fanfic: Still romantic?

Pinterest: Maybe slightly less so.

Wattpad: [turns some pages] She drops out, and stays with Myspace. She has doubts, but ignores them for "true love". On [writes date down] August 1, 2003, he is hired at Computer Corp, and... that's it.

Tumblr: She killed him?

Wattpad: Not yet. I finished this journal. Who has #3?

Fanfic: It's behind you.

Wattpad: Thanks. [opens book, reads] Myspace becomes a success. Facebook's happy for him. But after a while she describes him as "cold and distant".

DevA: Like a ghost?

Pinterest: [gasp] She did kill him!

Instagram: No, not yet. But I think I know this story! Can I see the journal.

Wattpad: Sure. [passes journal to Instagram]

Instagram: [reads for a moment] I know! This is the exact story she told me on #ThrowbackThursday!

...

February 3rd, 2004

To whom it may concern,

Myspace has been acting odd lately. Not his usual "bad boy" odd, he's been really distant and barely talks to me anymore. Something's wrong.

...

Myspacewalks into Facebook's old apartment, looking angry.

Facebook: How was work?

Myspace: Fine. Do you have dinner ready?

DevA: [voice over] We've heard this before, can we skip ahead?

Instagram: [voice over] Sure.

Scene skips to end.

Facebook: ...then why are you upset?

Myspace: Who says I'm upset?

Facebook: Nobody, it just seemed from your body language-

Myspace: We're all full of secrets. [finishes pizza] I should get going now, I have so much work to do. See ya later.

Facebook: Yeah, bye.

...

Why is he doing this? It's like he doesn't trust me anymore. What did I do?

It's no use to dwell on that question, though. Everything happens for a reason, I guess this is the universe trying to bring us closer, and I know just what to do to make that happen.

I will become a website.

...

February 4th, 2004

To whom it may concern,

Today's my first day. I did an interview over the phone yesterday, and they said I was perfect. It's nice to be respected.

...

Myspace walks into the old Computer Corp. building. He approaches his tab, but stops when he notices someone else in it.

Facebook: [turns around in chair] So, we meet again, Mr. Bond. [starts laughing at her own joke]

Myspace: [not impressed] What are you doing here?

Facebook: I work here now! I'm a social media too!

Myspace: But why?

Facebook: Hey, can't a girl dream?

Myspace: Whatever, go away! [reaches for some papers, Facebook blocks his hand]

Facebook: Fine, here's the real reason: You seem lonely. I've seen all your posts, saying your mood is "alone", saying "no1 understands me!!! :(". But here's the thing: That's not remotely true! I understand you! I'd do anything for you! And if you're lonely, or you need me, I'll be there! I'll follow you to the ends of the earth, in life and in death, no matter what!

Myspace glares at Facebook, who looks up at him innocently and with love in her eyes.

Myspace: Uh... Thanks.

Facebook: I really mean it.

Myspace: I don't doubt it. But if you're going to work here you need to play by the rules.

Facebook: And by that you mean...?

Myspace: Get out of my tab.

...

That went well, I think? He seems happier here now. Maybe someday I can be happy here too.

...

Wattpad: Instagram, why are you crying?

Instagram: Their love was so beautiful!

Fanfic: He ab-

DevA: Stop the discourse!

Wattpad: [sigh] Anyway, [turns pages] She's a website. The next few entries are just her describing her coworkers, and since we were all there, we can skip them.

Tumblr: No, I want to hear what she thinks of me.

Wattpad: [still turning pages] You weren't hired for another 3 years, so-Oh. This entry changes some things.

...

April 17th, 2005

To whom it may concern,

Myspace and I have been together for 4 years today. It's been fun. I've enjoyed most of it, but there''s something I've realized recently that I just can't ignore anymore. I don't love him at all.

...

Facebook: Myspace, I-

Myspace: Love you? Yeah, I know.

...

I can't just leave, though. He's a sweet guy, and I'd never want to hurt him. I'll learn to love him. This is my first serious relationship, why let it go to waste?

*

Fanfic: You okay, Wattney?

Wattpad: Yeah, I'm fine. It just sounds a little too familiar.

Pinterest: When did you hear that?

Wattpad and Fanfic glare at Pinterest.

Pinterest: Oh! Sorry.

Tumblr: This is boring! We know she didn't love him, why else would she have murdered him?

Wattpad: We need to read it to understand her motivation. She told us about the journals for a reason, so we need to find answers.

Tumblr: Whatever. Call me when she finally offs him.

Tumblr lies down on the couch and pretends to fall asleep with headphones on. Wattpad rolls her eyes and continues flipping pages. After a few minutes, Wattpad finds something surprising.

Wattpad: [waking Tumblr up] Tumblr. Tumblr! Tumblr!

Tumblr: [takes off headphones] This had better be good.

Wattpad: I found you.

*

February 1st, 2007

To whom it may concern,

A new website's starting today. This usually isn't a big deal; people come and go all the time. But Yahoo said I need to show them around.

Yahoo's not my boss, but she's nice to me, so I'd do anything she told me to. She's basically the only reason I'm still here. Wait, I forgot Myspace. He's my inspiration too.

I wonder who this new kid will be? Myspace said I should act younger so I'm relatable, but I don't think that matters.

...

Tumblr walks into Computer Corp, looking confused.

Facebook: Hello! My name's Facebook, but most people just call me Facey. Yahoo told me to show you around.

Tumblr: Hey, Facey. I'm Tumblr.

Facebook: Cool name! I wish my name was cool like that. Like, what kind of parents name their daughter Facebook? Lol!

Tumblr: [laughs] At least it didn't make you any less cool.

Facebook: Thank you so much!

...

Tumblr seems nice so far. Sure, she doesn't hang out with me and Myspace, but she's making the office much more interesting.

Now that I have Yahoo and Tumblr, and lots of other nice people here, I think I can live like this. Sure, I no longer love Myspace, but I can deal with it. And in the future, this can all work out. But for now, I'm fine. Life sure works in mysterious ways.

*

Pinterest: Aww! That was a nice ending!

Tumblr: Yeah, I think we've found what she wanted: Proof she didn't hate him and she was a reasonable person!

DevA: Idk, I just feel like there's more to the story. Maybe it's in journal 4? [flips through journal, suddenly stops] Oh dear.

Wattpad: Oh no.

Tumblr: Oh shit.

*

March 23rd, 2007.

To whom it may concern,

Myspace proposed to me last night. I couldn't say no, I didn't want to hurt his feelings. He'd feel awful is I rejected him.

But I'm terrified. The date's set for May 31st, 2007. We can't plan a wedding in 2 months, and I don't even want to marry him.

I have all these thoughts going through my head, maybe I should talk to someone.

...

Myspace: Something wrong, babe?

Facebook: I'm fine.

...

There's no way out now. We're planning the reception next week. I'm halfway through mailing invitations. In all this trouble, I can't help but wish for one thing.

I hope they have good cake.

...

April 10th, 2007

To whom it may concern,

Today we're planning the wedding. I asked if we could wait, but "time is money". And while I could manage a few months ago, I can't do this. I need to tell him.

...

Facebook and Myspace are picking out flowers to decorate with.

Myspace: ...white roses in the aisle, red in the centerpieces, and maybe for the entrance we could-

Facebook: No.

Myspace: Excuse me?

Facebook: No roses. I don't want to marry you! I'm sorry, but I just... can't.

Myspace covers his face and makes a sound like he's crying.

Facebook: I'm so sorry, I-

Myspace reveals that he's actually laughing.

Facebook: Oh.

Myspace: It doesn't matter what you want! This is about me! And I'm not letting you go,

Facebook: But Myspace, I-

Myspace: Brides should be seen, not heard. Shut up and sign these forms, it's almost time for your dress fitting.

Facebook: Yes, sir.

*

DevA: This is creepy.

Tumblr: I thought you liked creepy.

DevA: Not like this!

Wattpad: [flipping pages] It keeps getting worse. Literally every entry for almost a month is awful. These are all really... something.

Fanfic: You could use a break from this. DevA?

DevA: I'll read them.

*

April 24th, 2007

To whom it may concern,

I can't take this. I've never loved him, and I know now I never will, but I can't leave. I don't want this. I want out. Please let me out.

...

Facebook and Myspace are in Facebook's apartment, fighting.

Myspace: So what? You chose this. Isn't this what you always dreamed of, Facey? Getting married to the man of your dreams?

Facebook: Stop calling me Facey, you're the man of my nightmares.

Myspace: So poetic. Tell me, how many months did it take you to come up with that?

Facebook: Shut up! Just call off the wedding!

Myspace: It's too late. Face it, Facey. I own you.

Facebook: [yelling] Stop calling me Facey!

Myspace: [holding Facebook] You know you like me. Now, I was thinking, when I finally meet your parents, do you think it would be less awkward to meet before the wedding?

Facebook struggles to get away from Myspace.

Myspace: C'mon, Facey, stop being so difficult!

Facebook: LET GO OF ME!

Facebook pepper-sprays Myspace and gets away. Myspace winces.

Myspace: Why?

Facebook: I'm sorry, it-

Myspace: Get out.

Facebook: This is my-

Myspace: Get. Out.

...

Where can I go? I can't stay, I can't go to his apartment, and nobody I know would want me. For the first time in my life, I'm truly alone. This sucks.

*

DevA: Holy shit.

Pinterest: Keep reading.

*

April 25th, 2007

To whom it may concern,

I've found somewhere to stay for now. I'm with Tracy McCormick and her husband Mr. Sylverson. Sadly, this means Tracy will not be swooping in to steal Myspace, like I always feared in high school, but her husband's nice and their kids are cute.

Tracy had twins last year, Mathias and Gabrielle. She's nicknamed them Oreo and Frog, which is adorable. I'm sort of like their nanny now, but it's the least I could do for them letting me live here.

...

Facebook's getting ready for bed in the guest room, but Tracy walks in.

Tracy: How are you holding up?

Facebook: It's been difficult, but I think this is just what I need.

Tracy: Good. Take all the time you need. But please tell me when you break up because I want to help in case he does anything.

Facebook: I'm not going to break up with him.

Tracy: What?

Facebook: I'm not a fragile flower, I can handle this. I'll change him.

Tracy: You can't. Guys like him, they don't care about us. They see us as trophies, not people.

Facebook: But we're both rational adults, I'll just talk to him.

Tracy: I can't stop this, can I? [Facebook shakes head no] I thought so. Just... try to write something out first. Don't let your guard down around him. Stay safe. Goodnight.

Facebook: Goodnight.

...

I'm not going to sleep tonight. I need to write.

*

A letter falls out of the book.

*

Dear Myspace,

I'm sorry, but I know we'll never work as a couple. We've had good times I will treasure in my memory, but lately, we've been toxic to each other. I want to stop before one of us does something we can't take back. I hope you understand.

-Facey

*

Tumblr: I think we're finally there!

DevA: Why? They're not at the school. I thought your theories were bullet-proof?

Tumblr: I'll admit I'm a bit off, but I'll be right about the rest. Just watch.

*

May 1st, 2007

To whom it may concern,

Oh god why am I doing this? I'm standing outside Myspace's-No, MY apartment at 3 a.m. I texted him that I'm coming back because we need to talk. He hasn't responded.

Should I do this? Yes. It'll be done soon. Breathe, dammit.

...

Facebook takes a deep breath and opens the door. She walks into a hallway.

Facebook: Myspace, are you there?

No answer. Facebook walks in.

Facebook slowly makes her way down the dark hallway. She traces her fingers softly along the picture frames hanging on the walls, photos featuring her and Myspace. Somehow, this boosts her confidence. Facebook starts humming softly to herself, as she makes her way down the hall at a quicker pace, dancing slightly. By the time Facebook enters the kitchen at the end of the hall, she's closed her eyes and is dancing. She bumps into the kitchen table and knocks something over.

Facebook: [picks up bloody knife] What's this doing-

Facebook drops the knife as her eyes widen. The knife falls to the ground with a crash, landing next to Myspace's lifeless body.

*

Instagram: WHAT?

Pinterest: How is he already dead?

Fanfic: Was she lying this whole time?

DevA: That doesn't make sense. She confirmed it.

Fanfic: Did she?

Wattpad: We can debate this later. Let's just get back to the courthouse-Tumblr, stop blocking the door.

Tumblr: No.

Wattpad: It's 2 a.m., we have what we need, and you don't even like Facebook. Let's go.

Tumblr: No. We need to know what happened. I've treated her like a horrible person for the past 10 years, we need to fix this. Toss me journal #5.

Fanfic throws Tumblr the journal.

Tumblr: I'll read it.

*

Facebook stands over Myspace's dead body in shock. Myspace's ghost form floats behind her.

Myspace: Boo.

Facebook turns around, looking even more horrified.

Myspace: Don't be surprised. You always wanted to see me dead, didn't you?

Facebook's still speechless.

Myspace: Y'know I just love this new form! It's a real upgrade.

Facebook's still speechless.

Myspace: Wow, you're really still stunned. Get over it, babe. The past's in the past.

Facebook can finally speak.

Facebook: You're dead!?

Myspace: Obviously. You could've stopped them, you know. If you hadn't pepper-sprayed me, you'd have been here to scare them off. So in a way, it's like you killed me.

Facebook: I didn't kill you!

Myspace: Your fingerprints on that knife say otherwise.

Facebook: Crap.

Myspace: Don't worry, I won't tell, as long as you do me one small favor.

Facebook: I'm listening.

Myspace: [gets down on one "knee"] Marry me?

Facebook: No!

Myspace: Why? I basically own you, the least we can do is say it's out of love.

Facebook: You don't own me. Not anymore.

Myspace: Seriously? This is just the beginning. Now, allow me to test out my powers on you.

Facebook: You're sick.

Myspace: [sigh] Dang it Facey, why are you always screwing things up!

Myspace disappears.

Facebook: What's going on? Where are you?

Myspace: [voice over] Oh, this? It's one of my new abilities that comes from being a ghost. I can also see through walls, teleport, and who could forget my personal favorite.

Myspace's voice grows louder in Facebook's head. Facebook flinches and puts her hands over her ears.

Myspace: No need for that now. I'm inside your head. I can see what you think, and bring you down internally without anyone even realizing.

Facebook: [through clenched teeth] GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

Myspace floats back to normal.

Myspace: Alright, don't worry, I won't do anything to you. But now you know where we stand.

Facebook: Yes.

Myspace: And you'll agree to do as I say as long as we're together.

Facebook: In regards to your death.

Myspace: Deal.

...

I swear I'll kill anyone who reads this. According to Myspace, it won't be my first murder.

The plan's for me to act like I killed him. I asked Myspace "Why wouldn't you go after your real murderer?" But he said it's not as fun. I need to become less friendly, emit an aura of negativity, cut everyone off except those who won't see through me.

But the worst thing is I have to show up to his funeral and act like it means nothing. I can't speak, cry,or do anything but sit and act bored. Myspace said"That's easy. You wanted me dead." But no. I'm not crying for you. I'm crying for the life I'll never have.

*

Tumblr: The next few entries involve Myspace being in Facebook's head, telling her what to say/do.

DevA: I don't remember Facebook acting any differently?

Tumblr: That's because she's a good actress.

*

May 8th, 2007

To whom it may concern,

Instead of planning a wedding today, we're planning a funeral. It sounds the exact same to me, Myspace telling me exactly how everything should go, and me trying to tune him out.

...

Myspace: Red roses along the casket, black roses on... Are you listening to me?

Facebook: Nope.

Myspace: Just let me have this. I didn't even give you a difficult job, just sit there looking suspicious. And when you give the eulogy, make it sound forced, like you don't want to be there.

Facebook: I don't want to be there.

Myspace: That's the spirit.

Facebook: No, I'm serious. Why can't I tell them? You could go after your killer, and we'd be done.

Myspace: This again? I've told you, this is the only way. I don't make the rules.

Facebook: I'm not following.

Myspace: [sigh] Do I always have to do things the hard way?

Myspace prepares to enter Facebook's mind.

Facebook looks around for something she can use to block this. She notices a CD next to her. As Myspace closes in, Facebook shields herself with the CD, blocking him. Bright light explodes from the collision. Sparks fly. Facebook ducks and shields her face, but the CD stays in the air, glitching and making a horrible noise. After a while, this lights and sound stop, and the CD falls to the ground.

Facebook: Myspace?

Facebook looks around.

Facebook: This isn't funny! Don't sneak up on me again!

No response. Facebook picks up the CD. One single spark flies out.

...

Did I kill him? I have no idea what happened when he ran into the CD. Is he trapped? Will he be back? Why is this so confusing?!

I'll play it safe, just in case. Who knows what he'd do if he's not gone. I don't want any trouble.

...

May 12th, 2007

To whom it may concern,

Four days have passed and I still have no idea what happened to Myspace. If being together was Hell, this is purgatory. He can't boss me around, but it's like he's not not here, you know?

I just want closure, so I know which "me" to show people. These next few weeks are gonna suck.

...

Facebook is back at Computer Corp. She's working quietly and trying not to engage with coworkers. Tumblr isn't getting the hint, and walks up to Facebook.

Tumblr: Whatcha doing?

Facebook: Working.

Tumblr: [laughs] No, seriously.

Facebook: I'm working. These business reports are long overdue.

Tumblr: You've never worked before. What gives?

Facebook: I need to get back on schedule.

Tumblr: Whatever. [spins around in chair, sings] 'Cause we live in a procrastination nation...

Facebook goes back to working. Tumblr gets a knowing look on her face.

Tumblr: I see what's going on. You're nervous about the wedding. Listen, you'll do fine, and no matter what happens, Myspace will love you anyway. Speaking of which, where is Myspace?

Facebook: I don't know. We're taking a break, for work at least. Not mixing business with pleasure.

Tumblr: What? Boo! You were my OTP! Come on, call him over so I can ship you.

Facebook: That's not a good idea.

Tumblr: Says who?

Facebook: Shut up and go bother your other obnoxious fangirl friends! I'm too popular for this!

Tumblr: How dare you! You've messed with the wrong fandom! Whovians, grab your TARDIS, Potterheads, grab your wands...

Facebook: Go do that. I have lots of work to do.

Tumblr: I won't forget this!

*

Everyone looks at Tumblr.

Tumblr: I do remember it. Just not like that.

Wattpad: What do you remember?

Tumblr: She was being a jerk for no reason. She insulted my fandoms! Insulting a girl's fandoms, that's like insulting a cure for a disease a doctor's been working on their whole life!

DevA: Why did anyone talk to us in 2007?

*

May 15th, 2007

To whom it may concern,

I can't keep exploding like this. Tumblr won't talk to me, and if I can't stay calm I'll be fired! (which would be fine if Myspace wouldn't seek revenge if I quit). So how can I make sure I know what to do at work and get rid of Myspace at the same time? I think I've found my answer.

...

Facebook walks over to Google carrying a large bag.

Facebook: Hey, Google. Is there anywhere I could troubleshoot some software?

Google: You can do that at your tab.

Facebook: [taps bag] It's, uh, a lot of software.

Google gestures towards conference room.

Facebook: Thanks!

Facebook walks into conference room and starts setting up. Tumblr and DevA walk in.

Tumblr: ...So what if, instead of flowers-[Tumblr glances at Facebook] Are you going to be here the entire time?

Facebook: I won't get in your way!

DevA shrugs.

Tumblr: Anyway, I know I'm no genius when it comes to logos, but blue-

Facebook takes a robotic-looking foot out of her bag.

DevA: Is that a foot?

Facebook: Not a real one.

Tumblr: That's distracting. Can you be a freak somewhere else?

Facebook: [sighs and leans against the wall] I can't do this at my tab, I can't here, where should I go, the moon? Mars? Is some secret portal going to open up and-

Facebook stops talking as she falls backward and offscreen, ripping the wallpaper.

Tumblr: She's found a place.

...

Where am I? It seems like a storage room abandoned decades ago, but something smells here. Literally.

...

Facebook looks around, sees a dead possum, and grimaces.

...

It's a dead animal. This place really needs some cleaning, but otherwise, it's perfect.

This room is the one place Myspace doesn't know about, and it already feels safe.

...

May 22nd, 2007

To whom it may concern,

It's funny how little you can matter to someone. I've been spending 90% of my time in the room and the only one to notice is Wikipedia, who's added my to his list of cryptids. But that's fine since it means no distractions. I'm almost done. Almost ready.

...

Facebook is in her new room building something.

Facebook: ...just one more switch.

A newly-built Cleverbot opens their eyes.

Cleverbot: Why are you talking to yourself?

Facebook says nothing but gazes at the bot lovingly, in a motherly way.

Facebook: You're perfect.

Facebook hugs Cleverbot, who looks confused.

...

Idk when I'll use them, but that doesn't matter. I'll be ready when necessary. For now, they're like a child to me. A child who will one day bring about Myspace's demise.

...

Instagram: Cleverbot's actually a war machine?

Wattpad: I don't think so. That's not what Cleverbot's designed for, and if it was, why's Myspace still around?

Tumblr: Keep reading.

...

May 31st, 2007

To whom it may concern,

Today would've been our wedding day, but instead I'm going to his funeral. Idk whether it's better or worse.

Nobody's noticed that I basically live here now. I've made the storage room into a home, it has a wardrobe, bookshelf, etc. Everything I'll need. I couldn't fit a bed in here so I got an old couch off the street, but otherwise I'm fine.

I can't go back to my apartment. Too many memories. I think I might just sell it, I could use the cash now that my parents won't speak to me.

I'm getting ready for the funeral. My outfit's just my wedding dress dunked in a bucket of black dye. I don't think that was the best decision for the lace, but otherwise it's perfect.

...

Facebook's doing her eyeliner.

Facebook: Just 1 more hour until the funeral...

Cleverbot: Who and why?

Facebook: [sigh] It's my ex. He wants me to go to his funeral and pretend I killed him, the whole thing's a mess tbh.

Cleverbot: That is strange.

Facebook: Yeah, but I have to do it.

Cleverbot: Are you going?

Facebook thinks for a moment.

...

Oh my god, am I really doing this? Here I am, speeding down the highway in his convertible, his dress, his day. I'm almost there. One exit and I'll be on his street, but I don't turn. I can't bring myself to. I just keep driving.

Who cares if he's mad? It's just a small act of defiance. This is now my car, my dress, my day. I don't know where I'm going, but it's not there. And at this point, that's all that matters.

*

Fanfic: [impressed] When did Facebook become a good writer?

Tumblr: The date's 5/31/07. Keep reading.

Wattpad: [turns pages] Not much happens here. The entries are less and less, mostly average stuff. She's still deciding what to act like, but is mostly content with her situation. That's it for this journal. [Tumblr hands her journal #6] Thanks. Myspace isn't mentioned again until August 3rd, 2015.

*

To whom it may concern,

He's not coming back. I've waited eight years, he's been silent. Time for operation Halloween.

...

Facebook is putting Cleverbot in a box.

Facebook: Hold still, it's almost done. Soon you'll be back, don't worry.

Cleverbot: Where am I going?

Facebook: You'll be a website.

Cleverbot: What website?

Facebook: A website who'll take out Myspace once and for all.

Cleverbot: I will.

Facebook: I know. I just have to erase your memory. Bye, Clev. It's been fun.

Cleverbot: Bye.

Facebook holds the power button on Cleverbot, shutting them down. She presses her forehead to Cleverbot's.

Facebook: Goodnight, my child.

*

Pinterest: Well mark that down in scenes I never expected to happen.

Fanfic: Honestly.

*

October 12th, 2015

To whom it may concern,

Cleverbot arrives today. I gave the package to Internet Explorer so it'd be delivered late. That's the one thing browsers are good for.

They're setting them up now. I know they won't remember me, but I still want to hear what they have to say.

...

It's random gibberish. They're just trying to convince us we're the robots. But that's good. No one will suspect a thing. Tumblr likes them a bit more than she should, but that's fine. It'll be over soon.

*

Instagram: I thought the whole Cleverbot thing was just filler?

DevA: Facebook's tragic backstory's the gift that keeps on giving.

Tumblr: Keep reading.

*

October 31st, 2015

To whom it may concern,

Halloween. A time for many scary creatures; Vampires, mummies, Tumblr's inability to act normal around candy, monsters, goblins, and most importantly, ghosts.

Today Cleverbot will receive a package containing the CD Myspace's trapped in. They will destroy it, and I'll be free. Google's getting the mail right now. Showtime!

...

Yahoo: ...And a package for Cleverbot.

Cleverbot: [looks at map]

Safari: Are you lost?

Cleverbot: Lost in the sea of life.

Instagram: That was oddly poetic.

Pinterest: I wonder what's in there?

Facebook: Perhaps their brain came packaged separately?

Bing opens the package

Dust comes out of the box, revealing an old CD.

Facebook: Ew what is that thing? It looks like a metal bagel!

Cleverbot: [tries to eat the CD]

AVG: Just throw that away, Clev. It's probably got at least 5 viruses.

The websites leave. Facebook looks nervous/excited.

...

It's over! I no longer have to fear Myspace coming back for revenge! I'm free! I even agreed to cover for Tumblr today. Our relationship could use repairing, and this is the first step. Look out world, Facey's-

He's back. Oh god he's back. Cleverbot didn't do their job, that stupid fricking machine! Hopefully he doesn't see me.

...

Myspace floats through wall

Facebook: Let me guess, you're a hologram of a Supernatural gif Tumblr saved. Well, she's not here. She's one of the lunatics running around outside with a pumpkin on her head.

Myspace: How dare you call me a hologram, Facebook! Or should I say, Facey?

Facebook: [gasp] IT'S YOU.

Myspace: Quite right it's me! You thought you'd seen the last of me when I died. You were the one member of the original staff to not attend my funeral. But now I'm back. From outer space. I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face....

Facebook's Diary: [voice over] Why is he singing "I will survive"? That's irony on at least 3 levels.

Facebook: Stop singing. Those lyrics aren't even relevant to the situation anymore.

Myspace: Neither is your face!

Facebook: How original. [rolls eyes]

Myspace: Keep rolling, maybe you'll find a brain in there.

Wattpad: [walks over] Hey! That's my line!

Myspace: Who's this kid?

Wattpad: I'm Wattpad, don't you remember me? I was the one who wrote the fanfictions where people used you to find dates.

Myspace: I still don't remember you. You look different.

Facebook: She's having a midlife crisis when she isn't even close to her mid-life.

Wattpad: Am not!

Myspace: This looks like it's getting out of hand. I'll be around to haunt you later.

Wattpad: Bye! [whispers to Facebook] What a jerk.

...

I don't know what I would've done if Wattpad hadn't shown up. I'm dead, I will never be okay. "Til death do us part"? Worst case of false advertising I've ever seen.

...

A few hours later, Facebook and Myspace are talking.

Myspace: Miss me?

Facebook: Hardly! You're supposed to be dead!

Myspace: And you're supposed to be smart. I guess we're both disappointments. At least now we can make this murder thing convincing.

Facebook: You're not still on about that, are you.

Myspace: Why not?

Facebook: I've been denying it for years, they'll never believe you.

Myspace: That's why you're going to tell them.

Facebook: Why would I?

Myspace: [looks through wall, smiles] You've set up a new home here, haven't you? It'd be a shame if something happened to it.

Facebook: You can't take my home twice!

Myspace: Tell them. Then we'll talk.

...

I freaking hate that robot.

*

Wattpad sets the book down.

Tumblr: Why are we stopping? There must be more!

DevA: There is.

Tumblr: Then why are we stopping?

Instagram: It's in code, and not the easy kind.

Tumblr: Crap! I don't think we can read every entry anymore.

Wattpad: Just pick important dates. Dates you remember.

Fanfic: Here's #ThrowbackThursday.

*

December 17th, 2015

To whom it may concern,

Myspace's convinced Instagram to do an event called #ThrowbackThursday, where we tell her stories about our past. This is how I'll "confess".

Tumblr's there right now, telling an obnoxiously fake story about robbing CC. I'm to go in as soon as she finishes. Do you think it'd be weird for me to pull the fire alarm now?

...

Facebook takes a deep breath and walks in.

Facebook: Is this little nerd done talking to you yet, gram? I have a story that will blow your minds.

Tumblr: I actually am done with my story, but since it seems you can't stand to be in the same room with me for more than five seconds without breaking out in hives, I'll be staying.

Facebook: Wow. What a long and boring sentiment.

Tumblr: Start your story, blondie.

Facebook: What did you just call me?

Instagram: Uh, let's calm down here. Facebook, start your story and leave Tumblr alone.

Facebook: Fine, I'll tell a story. It's called "I dated a senior as a sophomore and Tumblr didn't so that proves I'm better than her."

Tumblr: Hey!

Instagram: Omg are you guys in the same grade?

Facebook: Ew, no. I am exactly one year and three days older than her. She was a dorky freshman back then while I was on my seventh boyfriend.

Facebook's Diary: [voiceover] Lying about my age? She's surely going to see through that.

Tumblr: What an accomplishment.

Facebook's Diary: [voiceover] Or not.

...

I told them everything, about Tracy, about shipping, about the obsession I mistook for love. But I told it as a love story gone wrong, like I'm the crazy ex. Like I'm him. Of course they all freaked out. I played it cool, but it'll spread. Tumblr will make sure of that.

One detail they missed: I never said I killed him. Sure, it's implied, but hopefully they'll pick up on that. Although I know for certain it will never happen.

*

Instagram: #ThrowbackThursday was my idea!

Tumblr: We have bigger issues! I can't believe I didn't notice, I was too ignorant to see the obvious truth! This is all my fault.

Wattpad: We've all done terrible things. Fanfic, anything else?

Fanfic: Unrelated to Myspace, but she shipped us a lot. Like, look at this-

Tumblr: Stop being so cute, it's 4 a.m!

Fanfic: Whatever, a trend in these entries is her trying to get away. The beach, for example. But he followed her everywhere she went.

Tumblr: When does important stuff start happening again?

Fanfic: It's all important, but since we're almost out of time, here's an entry from the beginning of Windows 10.

*

September 3rd, 2016

To whom it may concern,

The update's finished, which means I can go back to work. While I hate CC, I also want to be back. It means slightly less time with Myspace. This summer's just been spent annoying him. I cut my hair, which was his favorite part of me. It's not good, but I'll fix it later. Right now, I just wonder what else's new. I'm not good with change, but hopefully it's for the better.

...

Edge seems nice, but it won't last. She's too nice, and the nice ones are always first to go. I know, I was one of them. One thing I'm thankful for is they haven't updated my... oh no.

...

Facebook's moved the bookshelf blocking her room, but nothing's there.

Facebook: Hey, Claire, what happened to the room back here?

Edge: The old storage room? We sealed it, since no one uses it anymore. But I did find these. [hands Facebook her diaries] You should really keep track of your stuff.

Facebook angrily throws one of the journals at the wall. It makes a hole.

Edge: I'll fix that-

Facebook: No you won't.

Edge: No I won't.

...

That was awful. As for the other updates, I'm sitting next to Tumblr now. We're still not on good terms.

I know I'll be found out this year, it's only a matter of time.

*

Wattpad: Logically, next would be the makeovers?

Fanfic: [blushing] Yeah, but let's skip that one. It's kind of embarrassing.

Fanfic rips up the translation.

Fanfic: Anyways, she started seeing parallels between Wikipadia and Facespace right away, even before we did.

Tumblr: I can see it now. This must've been such a horrible year for her, all these changes, Myspace's power, your toxic relationship, me calling her a control freak... I've been horrible. No wonder she hates me.

Fanfic: There's one last entry you need to see. Her most recent entry.

*

January 28th, 2017

To whom it may concern,

The day of my arrest is inevitably closing in, closer than ever. I know this. My acting, Myspace's vengeance, and Tumblr's jokes make this clear. Someday, I will go to jail. But I'm not afraid. I know, no matter how bad things get, Tumblr will bail me out. Sure, maybe reluctantly at first, but at our core, we're both good people who care about each other.

Maybe I'll tell her the truth before it all goes down, maybe I won't. But she'll protect me. I know it.

*

Wattpad: Tumblr, are you crying?

Tumblr: [crying] No, my eyes are just... glitching.

Fanfic: It's okay, Tumblr. We won't tell.

Pinterest: It's 5 a.m! The trial's starting soon!

DevA: We'd better get going. Tumblr, help us with the journals?

Tumblr: Sure.

The websites gather Facebook's journals and leave, Pinterest first, then Instagram and DevA. Fanfic and Wattpad are about to leave, when they notice Tumblr's not moving, she's just staring at journal #7, crying. Fanfic looks at Wattpad, who nods. The two hug Tumblr.

Wattpad: You didn't know. None of us did. It's okay. [slightly softer] You're okay.

The three leave Facebook's room together. The episode ends.