Aries: You

Taurus: Their Alarm Clock

Gemini: The Entire Human Population

Cancer: Anyone Who Makes Them Cry

Leo: Condoms

Virgo: The Patriarchy

Libra: Everyone But Only Using Their Lips

Scorpio: God

Sagittarius: Iggy Azalea

Capricorn: Their Parents

Aquarius: Bras

Pisces: Themselves