CHAPTER FIFTEEN

This wasn't supposed to happen, I wasn't supposed to love him like this. When I first met him, I wouldn't have ever imagined that you would be the one I would ache for, the one whose name leaves me with nostalgic pain. He meant more to me than I ever expected.

Locked in my hotel room, for days to no end did I find myself miserably sulking as I prepare myself for what I was about to do.

I feel unspeakably lonely. And I feel drained. It is a blank state of mind and soul I cannot describe to anyone as I think it would not make any difference. Also it is a very private feeling I have - that of melting into a perpetual nervous breakdown. I am often questioning myself what I further want to do, who I further wish to be; which parts of me, exactly, are still functioning properly. No answers. Nothing at all.

Under the bus stop taking shelter from the pouring rain, the cold grasping onto our skin, the roads being empty and wet. . . This wasn't an ideal sight to do it.

This reminded me exactly of the day when I first met him.

Except now, I was breaking his heart. Intentionally.

His eyes glistening, wide and fearful - his breath shaky as he struggles on processing it, and his feet being forced to stay still to not give away the impact of the situation.

I had broken his heart, not accidentally.

"Let's not see each other again." My throat was dry, hand tucked inside my pockets to prevent it from shaking, and my voice managed to stay stable for some miraculous reason.

This was hurting me as much as it was hurting him.

He looked at me in disbelief, chuckling bitterly, eyes becoming inexplicably devastated.

He demanded an explanation. He deserves an explanation. But I couldn't give it to him.

"It's simple, I don't want to see you again." Was my shallow reply.

And you have no idea how much it took for me just to say that the way I said it; lacking of emotion, detachment, and in a casual tone.

As if I was fooling around. Not with my words, but with our friendship.

Someone has to leave first. That is a very old story, there is no other version of this story.

He had no idea how much I prepared for this day, how much it took in my power to keep myself together and not pull him into my arms and into a warm embrace after seeing the sorrowful look on his face.

I wanted nothing more than to whisper sweet nothings into his ear as I would comfort him, tell him how I actually didn't mean it, and how much he actually means to me.

I wanted nothing more than to stop the pain in his eyes.

But this was for the best in all rationality.

I was no longer deciding purely based on my own impulses - I was thinking of our future. The future that I might still be able to save if I do something about it now.

It was inevitable for me to end up in Juvenile, and I knew how much it would hurt him to be away from me, it would only hurt me further knowing he was also suffering because of that.

Unfortunately, I was not bound for Japan anytime sooner. And I didn't want M/n to live his life always sacrificing things just so that he can be with me in this country. And even if we stick with the distance, it would only do more harm than good.

So I need him to hate me, to disdain me, to make me unforgivable at the heat of the moment - enough to make him momentarily stop devoting his life to me. Let me serve my sentence and pick up my pace until I become a man deserving of him.

I saw him, the way his eyes glinted, the way he treated me. He finally loved me back, and I didn't need words to confirm it.

But I also saw the lengths he would reach just for me, and that scar on his head will always be a reminder of that. He puts me first, and that's not the wisest thing to do when I was still not strong enough to protect him. I originally wanted this, but I realized I was still not in the right state of mind to take responsibility of him.

I don't care if the idea of him hating me now still makes my chest tighten painfully. This pain was momentary.

I wish I could explain it to him, but there was no other way to make him stop devoting himself to me other than making him hate me.

Once I get into prison, it's nearly impossible to contact me, I was as good as gone from the world.

I want him to live his life as a free man in the years I'll be gone from his world, not chained to an indecisive teenager like me. But when the time comes when I return and things are better for us - I sincerely hope he would accept me back.

So, M/n, please leave some room in your heart for me to return to. Once things calm down, I'll explain everything to you, and it'll be up to you whether you'd still want me back in your life.

"You fucker, I really did love you." He blurted out, his voice filled with utter conviction that it made it hard for me to turn away.

I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I didn't expect it to be this hard.

Why? Why did he have to say that? M/n, you're making things harder for me to look the other way.

Why did he have to say that now of all times?

I was speechless, unable to talk, unable to speak without fearing I would also claim my reciprocated love.

My eyes changed into disappointment. Not at him, but at myself. I was still bad at dealing with situations, and the pain I feel now is the result of my decisions.

I aim to be lionhearted, but my hands still shake and my voice isn't quite loud enough.

Because of my incompetence, my inability to be prepared for our conflicts, my tendency to never really be ready when it comes to him - it has caused a strain and inconvenience to the two of us.

And so, I ran away. Like a coward. I took his uber and fled as if nothing happened, as if my life-long dream of him returning my desires just didn't happen to me.

And I never felt so pathetic in my life.

I couldn't even defend him, keep him, protect him - what makes me think I would be deserving of him years later once I straighten out my path?

But a part of me was still clinging onto it. I trusted our bond, I trusted his ability to eventually understand despite my hurtful actions.

There will always be a part of me that is his. And I don't mean now, or until I found somebody else (which is unlikely), or forever. I mean to say that whether I fall in love a thousand times over or once or never again, there'll always be a big quiet place in my heart that belongs only to him.

He's important to me. I think if there's anything that will last forever, it's that. Whether we separate, stay in touch, or rarely speak again - he will always be that someone I really do care for, that I would sacrifice everything for to protect and keep safe.

I felt like crying but nothing came out. It was just a sort of sad sickness, sick sad, when you can't feel any worse. I think you know it. I think everybody knows it now and then. But I think I have known it pretty often, too often.

I made a tough decision and I didn't even answer him properly.

I burned so long, so quiet - he must have wondered if I loved him back. I did, I really did, and I still do.

In the end, I was the one who fulfilled my fears. I left, broke whatever we had, left him, and hurt his heart.

But I hope, with every bone in my body, that it'll still be us in the end.