CHAPTER NINE

Ever since that day, I grew attached to the treatment he gave me.

For hours to no end, I would sit across the sidewalk of their house, waiting for him to eventually come out.

I knew that he was trying to brush me off at first, he found me quite bothersome and I was aware of that. But in my 6-year-old mind, it didn't matter to me whether he wanted me around or not. He was bound to feel the same way towards me one day and I was going to make sure of that.

On their kitchen window, he peeks as if I wouldn't be able to see him. And every time he does, I would always notice the sparkle on his eyes, the sparkle that would gradually be filled with guilt until he eventually comes out because he could no longer hold in the conscience.

And I remember feeling utterly relieved every time he would. It felt incredibly surreal that I would feel this amount of fondness whenever he comes to my line of sight.

I was simply joyous that he still thought of me, and that the possibility of him viewing me the same way I did of him was large.

I also wanted him to get attached to my treatment.

I was nearly pathologically afraid of abandonment and so I'd repeatedly picked people who were absolutely incapable of giving me what I needed, to ensure I was never really at risk of substantial loss.

I am constantly trying to communicate something incommunicable, to explain something inexplicable, to tell about something I only feel in my bones and which can only be experienced in those bones.

It was a neverending feeling I had to live with.

And in the month of M/n's graduation, I kept hearing about the fireworks event that he was looking forward to seeing. Every single time, every single day - I would hear him talk nonstop about it.

It was honestly adorable to see him getting all excited about a silly show, to see his eyes glint like the most expensive jewels, to hear his flavorful tone filled with ecstacy.

I have long found a word for what I would call all this.

Puppy love.

A love that is developed in the early years of my life, a feeling I seek which is pure. This was the closest thing to call 'innocent' in my life.

I was intending to wait for him to ask me out directly, to wait for him to approach me with a bashful look on his face and shyly asking me to watch the event with him. I have already pictured it for more than numerous times in my head, I have already practiced it as well.

But it never came.

He didn't approach me, or ask me, or just tell me about his plans.

I only found out about his plans when I overheard his school friends that they were all going to the fireworks event together.

And maybe I was a tad bit jealous.

Just a tad bit.

I stole a blue bike in the neighborhood and went on my way, not thinking twice about my decisions as I came speeding down the hill where I can immediately spot M/n out of his group of school. . . Classmates.

Yeah, classmates.

I immediately grabbed a hold of his wrist, forcing him into a difficult position where he is only given 2 options. Hop on the back of the bike or come tumbling down the hill.

Of course I would never harm him intentionally, I was simply giving him a choice to decide for himself, and I trust that he would know just what exactly to do.

Hesitating for a second, he then took the seat behind the bike and threw his bag towards his classmates, ignoring the fact that I could have just easily carried it for him.

"I'll see you tomorrow!" He yelled towards the stunned group he left behind before I quickened the pace of the bike to get them out of his view faster.

Where I was intending to bring him? Somewhere I knew would give us a better view of the event.

"You should have given me a warning beforehand." He spoke in an a huff I find too adorable. "You can't always threaten to drag me down the hill."

"Why? Is their time with you more important than mine?" I retorted blandly, not intending to come off too possessive. Of course I knew where to draw the line, it's just that I've been hopping between it all this time.

I took more turns towards the road, perhaps purposely making the turns abrupt and sudden just so that he would grab a hold of me.

And I could feel a small and subconscious smile climb up my lips as I feel him hold and tug onto my clothes. It was a bare minimum contact but it was enough to make me feel energized for the entire day.

I wanted him to realize it one day, for him to realize my feelings and for him to realize he yearns for me too.

But I did not want him to find out through words, I don't want to force him to think of me simply because I uttered out words of confession. No, I wanted to be a natural thought, a thought that would suddenly pop on his mind in the middle of the day - one that he can think fondly of on his own accord.

I wanted to mean more than just a bag of words.

It didn't take long for us to reach the hill, and it was probably a guilty conscience of mine that urged me to buy him something to drink after making him go through unnecessary labor.

The moment I left the store, I saw M/n by the railings already, staring out the open view, his back facing mine.

Even so, I still felt my eyes soften.

How do I look away now that I've seen him? It's nearly impossible to tear away my eyes.

"You can see everything from here." I spoke up, letting my presence known as I see his eyes light up slightly in recognition of my voice before nodding eagerly.

I then held out the bottled tea I bought for him. I knew he liked tea, the fully-flavored ones - but I purposely didn't buy the kind he liked just so that he would complain and talk to me even if it was just about the small matter of tea.

"Are you gonna make me carry this?" He asked stupidly, he must still be under the impression that I was running an errand.

"Drink it." I stated flatly. When will he get the hint?

I see a flash of hesitancy appear on his face. Just how dense can he be?

"Drink it or I'll throw you off this cliff." Of course I would not. And even if I do, I would throw myself right after.

He didn't complain about the flavor, the blandness, or how I've gotten things wrong despite having known him for years. He simply did not comment on it, and maybe it was a wrong move on my part.

Over the years, he's becoming more unpredictable. And I fear that one day, he would be at the point where he's already far off my reach.

"What's the errand?" He suddenly asked.

What excuse should I give? Should I say that there was really no errand and that I simply wanted him all for myself? Of course I can't say that. I didn't want to scare him off and say that his special and most fond memories should solely be with me.

"I decided not to do it." I reasoned indifferently, not getting into an explanation to save myself.

"What?" I hear him ask in disbelief. "What's the big deal then? I was supposed to watch the evenr with my school friends. You can't just drag me away when you just want to." He was annoyed. Very annoyed.

It made me upset that of all things I could have made him feel today, I made him feel annoyance for me instead.

I knew his tendencies, his little perks, and even the barely noticeable habits. I studied him like I studied literature, and I memorized every detail like he was the words.

And I knew that when he was upset, he tends not to express it vocally.

He was now looking at me with inexplicable irritation laced with anger, and it made me frown.

Without a word, I see him leaving my peripheral vision. He was walking away - alone, disappointed, and angry at me.

I was ovetook with fear. He was leaving, leaving me, leaving with negative emotions caused by me. I did not want to lose him, and although I knew that a disagreement caused by my selfish deeds wouldn't have been enough to break our bond - there was still a possibility.

And I cannot live with that possibility still present.

I moved with firm actions but loose emotions. I grabbed his wrist, stopping him. And because of those loose emotions that still resided by my current state, I held his wrist a little too tight; though I was subconsciously careful to not harm him.

"Watch it with me." It was the fear that made me blurt out the words I have been finding too difficult to say.

He looked. . . Stunned.

I was too. I was not expecting to admit my intentions tonight, I was simply intending for this moment to seem more like a coincidence, an ignition of fate. But it turns out nothing changed with me, I still grabbed our fate with two hungry hands.

"What?" I see him staring at me with wide and confused orbs, his mesmerizing eyes drawing me away from rationality.

"The exploding bombs." I briefly pointed out. "Watch it with me from here." My throat was dry, and saying those words so directly made me feel like I was running a marathon.

I see his gaze change, they soften.

"You could have just said so." He grumbled, looking away. Despite the lack of proper light, I could still see the change in his demeanor. He was flustered. It was cute.

I had to turn away myself, I was afraid that my thoughts were becoming louder. If I continued staring at him so tenderly, I'm afraid I would only lose my control.

It felt surprisingly nice. To see the ugly fireworks on the sky, to feel M/n's wrist barely in by hand, and to just have this moment all to ourselves.

I loved it. I loved him.

I would give every single dime in life savings just to have this. To have him.

It was simply never in my plan to hurt him.