I'm discontinued this book but I'm re-writing it. That's it sorry about. A lot of this happened in my life. Still not good but I want to recover. I truly loved writing and my dad died really messed me up. I just... I. I'm still hurting. I haven't got help or support for a really long time. I always had problems but I ignored it. I bottled it all up and continued to or try to when my dad died. Until I got hospitalized in the same year when my dad passed. I felt numbed. I thought that was okay. I did nothing but go to school, studied, work and try to be okay.

I'm not okay. My bottle of emotion was choking me. Slowly suffocating myself without realizing myself. I couldn't breathe but I was scared to let it out. I couldn't...

I try to distract myself from the suffocation. But my hobbies did little to nothing to forget that. I felt numb and now breathless.

I moved away from my family I thought that helped. I thought I was going somewhere. I visited them after 3 months of not visiting.

I broke.

I'm not fine.

I still can't heal from my father passing if I don't grieve to someone who love and cared for him like did.

My family won't change. I need to get through my head.

My mom hurt me in the past and just because she can't remember it, doesn't it make it just disappear the years of fear, pain, confusion, and trauma.

My older sister who I loved and cared since I was a kid. I helped her when she was a teen mom and to her last child stabbed in the heart betrayed me and hated for something I didn't do. I trusted her. After so many years of loving her I just realized she just used me as a free babysitter and stole my money for herself, not even using the money for her own kids. I loved sociopath, narcissist who just wanted to have fun while dumping her child responsibilities on me and getting mad at me even though I'm 7 years younger than her with 0 knowledge about kids like herself and less that I was trying hard enough and that hurt in most possible way. By telling I'm the worst selfish sister ever that I don't care or love her or her kids. Now physically and emotionally harassed me if by just look at me or hearing me.

My family don't try to stop her.

My youngest sister listens and follows my oldest sister and doesn't realize she's the new babysitter and money bank.

But my second youngest sister. I never realized how she try to get my attention to play with me or try to talk to me. I ignored her to be with my older sister and babysitting her kids. She tried to make me smile or just laugh but I got mad or annoyed. She tried to walk with me or give me a hug. I pushed her away... I never liked hugging her. I never willingly hugged my second younger sister while we were younger.

I hugged her yesterday and burst out in tears telling, I'm sorry. I want to be a big sister you can trust and rely on. To make you feel safe and cared for. Sisters should help each not use each. Using each other are not sisters do.

I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to help you when group up. From now on I'll try my best in thing I know and suggest help from other people you can trust with things I can't.

I have depression, social anxiety and PTSD because of my family.

My family can't help them. Not all. Some still hurt me or trigger me. My second youngest sister I'll help but at a distance. I can't be with them all together anymore.

I need to help myself. And the first step is small but I'll write again. It's not a promise. But I need to start in some I enjoyed. I'll continue my college, therapy and counseling over there. I'll need to take the first real steps to healing myself.

The new book will still have some of the old storyline and plot. It'll be named: 💙King And Queen Of Drag💖 Thank you everyone. Every have a wonderful day/night.