Sam

What have I done?

Sam looks down at his bloodstained hands and flayed wrists and thighs. Red rivulets of blood wound their way down his forearms and legs, coagulating into thick strings hanging from his body, splatters of ruby on the floor, and Sam is horrified.

He was done. He was done with self-harming, with depression, with all of this. He was in recovery, he was clean, he wasn't supposed to be doing this anymore!! Why was he doing this?! Why wasn't he going to therapy and taking his meds and not hurting himself? It was over, goddammit! He was fixed, he was cured, he was happy!

Obviously not.

He had to do something. Tell someone. Fix this. Stop this.

But how? How can he explain this without exposing Gabe? He can't play it off like a surprise relapse, no one would buy that. People don't do things like this for no reason, do they? Even if the reason is a chemical imbalance, a bad day, there's always a reason. It's not even Gabe's fault, really. It was just Sam being stupid and immature and sensitive and asexual. If only he could carve his asexuality out of him like he did to his skin.

But he can't. So he stands up, washes off his cuts, bandage them, throws on a hoodie and sweatpants, and goes to bed. And if he never woke up? Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing.

***

Gabriel

What was wrong with that boy?

And what was wrong with him?

Gabriel sits on his bed, troubled, mindlessly spinning a fidget spinner between his thumb and middle finger.

He didn't like how he felt. All dark and perturbed and mean. He wasn't always like this, was he? That's all he's felt for so long, it's hard to believe he was once like Sam: young, naive, and untroubled. Well, maybe not entirely untroubled; Gabe had seen the scars on the young Winchester's body when they had sex. Never said anything about them, he just pretended they don't exist so that he doesn't have to deal with an emotional sob story that he doesn't have the energy or care to engage in. If Sam wanted to be stupid and weak and cut up his little arms for attention, that's his business.

Nothing's wrong with him, Gabe decided. It was all Sam's fault. "Asexual". Pathetic. He just didn't want to admit he was a virgin. He wasn't anymore, of course, but he still clung tight to that label as if it would save him from the real world, and the reality of it. Normal people have sex, "asexual" is just a fancy word for "prude".

He should be grateful, Gabe thought. He was showing him what it was like to be a real man, an adult. It's not his fault the kid couldn't take it without sniveling about it. It doesn't matter. Sam was too weak to leave him or tell anyone, so their arrangement can continue indefinitely. There's nothing anyone can do, and nothing that anyone will do. Gabe was in control, and Gabe will always be in control. Sam was just going to have to learn to live with that.

So why did he feel so wrong?

***

~the next day~

Castiel

Things were going well. 

Yes, he still had bad days, and recovery is a bitch, but for the first time in a long time, Cas thought he might just make it out okay. 

To be honest, a lot of it was for Dean. Yes, the 300 day mark was growing ever closer, and Cas would be lying if he said it didn't bother him to the point of breakdowns, but he has to hang on and stay strong for Dean in his final days. So no cutting, no purging, no anything until Dean was gone. After that? Cas doesn't know.

It was day 260, and the assignment was "be honest about something". Easy enough, right? He had grown to be strong enough to be vulnerable with Dean, and it was getting easier and easier not to lie when asked if he was okay, and amazingly, Cas had managed to come clean with Dean every time he felt the urge to hurt himself, and they worked through it. That had been unheard of several months ago.

So that's all he has to do. Be honest. Easy enough.

They had planned to meet in a quiet room in the campus library for this. It was the last month of school, and things have been pretty lax lately. Perfect time to reflect on the self and be honest.

They were due to meet after Dean's last class that ended at 2:45, and at 2:50 Cas was seated in the quiet room, waiting on Dean.

Anticipation and adrenaline flooded his senses. He was going to come clean about something, and he really, really hoped it wouldn't fuck things up. He originally wanted it to be something rather light that wouldn't plague Dean in his final days, but doing that would be an insult to the process and he'd rather not do that. No matter how hard it was, Dean deserves honesty and transparency. 

The door swings open, and Dean enters, sending Cas's heart rate and anxiety through the roof. He was literally shaking with nervous energy. Dean seemed to be slightly on edge, too.

"Hey, Cas," Dean says tightly. "It's nice to see your pretty face again." he tries to diffuse the tension with a wink.

Cas laughs softly, trying so hard to keep the waver from his voice. "I have to say the same for you." He clears his throat, forcing the lump there down with a hard swallow.

"Yeah..."

Dean takes a seat, and drums his fingers on the table anxiously. "So. Who starts?"

Cas clears his throat again, emotion already building in his chest. "You first. I need a minute."

Dean nods, "Yeah, of course, babe. I can go first." Cas smiles gratefully.

He inhales shakily, and begins to speak.

"First of all, Cas, I want you to know that I love you. Completely and wholly. Everything I have ever done since I first laid eyes on you has been done out of love for you. I need you to understand that, first and foremost. Okay?"

Cas nods, speaking through the shake in his voice. "Of course, Dean. I love you too. Irrevocably so."

Dean flashes a nervous smile. "Okay, good. So..."

"So...." Cas echoes, letting out a short, hard puff of air.

Dean takes a deep breath, and begins.

"I am so proud of you."

Cas is a little shocked at first, fully expecting Dean to talk about something negative. He overcomes it quickly and listens hard.

"I know I don't say it enough, I haven't said it at all recently, but I just want you to know that I am so goddamn proud of how far you've come. I don't see the emaciated, scared, cut up little boy that you were when we first met. I see a strong, healthy, absolutely breathtaking young man in front of me and I know it was hard, I know it's still hard at times, but I'm just so fucking happy for you, Cas, it makes these past few weeks so worth it, babe. Seeing you push through has done wonders for me, and I want you to know that I see you, I see your progress and I see you healing, and that makes me the happiest man on the planet. I love you, so, so much."

Cas's eyes well with tears. Tears of joy, tears of thankfulness, and tears of absolute guilt and regret. How was he supposed to tell Dean that it was all a front?

"T-thank you, Dean," Cas manages to get out through a tight throat and a shaky voice.

Dean smiles tightly, fighting back tears of his own. Cas aches at the thought that in two months, he will never see that smile again.

Cas breathes deeply, and starts his own confession.

"Dean, I..." he falters, his throat threatening to close so tightly he couldn't speak. He steadies himself, and continues. 

"I love you. And I am so happy that you're proud of me, but Dean? I'm not okay." Cas says, his voice breaking on the last word. Tears spring to his eyes, but they do not fall.

"I'm so, so scared. I don't know what I'm going to do without you. I can't...I can't think about it or I'll break down. You're the one who pulled me out of this. You're the one that made me want to fix myself, to heal. And in two months, I won't have that anymore. And I don't know how I'm going to breathe without you, Dean."

Castiel begins to cry. Sobs rip their way out of his threat as he dissolves into tears and collapses in on himself, bawling into his hands, crying harder than he ever thought was possible.

Dean was out of his seat in a heartbeat, throwing himself onto his boyfriend and holding him so tightly, as if he would never let go. And Cas never wanted him to. 

Dean is crying too, Cas realizes, as he feels the dampness of tears on his neck, and feels the shaking of his shoulders and his body is wracked with searing emotional pain. The two sit and sob for a long, long time, and Cas feels his chest turn into a gaping black maw, consuming his heart and his soul and everything good in the world. Nothing can ever fix this. And it's all his fault.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry..." Cas manages to say between soul-shaking sobs. "I never should have done that, I was selfish, I was stupid, I was..." 

"What are you talking about, Castiel?" Dean says, pulling away and looking Cas straight in the eye. "How the hell was any of this your fault? I made the decision, it's on me. I was the selfish one."

Cas looks at Dean sorrowfully, not believing a word he says. "If I hadn't tried to kill myself none of this would have happened. If I wasn't so weak and broken and an absolute fucking idiot, you wouldn't have done that. It's my fault." Cas lowers his head in shame, tears still falling freely from his eyes onto the floor.

Dean laughs weakly. "Cas, it wasn't your fault. You didn't know. You're going through hell, and it was selfish of me to take the deal. I said no at first, actually."

Cas looks up in surprise. He didn't know about that. "Really?"

"Yeah," Dean affirms. "I knew that's not what you would want me to do. You tried to kill yourself, and I could safely assume you didn't want to be alive. So I let it be your choice.

"But then..." Dean's voice shakes a bit. "Then Crowley snapped his fingers and you started to die. You coded, you were dying. And in that moment I agreed. In that moment of selfishness, I called him back and made the deal. It was my decision. I made it for myself, not for you. I couldn't handle the thought of losing you, so I essentially made the decision that you would have to lose me. And I am so, so sorry."

Cas is shocked. He couldn't believe he was hearing this. All of a sudden, he realizes there was nothing he could have done differently, save for not attempting suicide. That was a big thing he could have changed, but Dean was right: it was his decision, not Cas's. And now he has to forgive him.

Cas inhales shakily. "I don't want to forgive you. I want to be angry at you. But I can't. Not this close. I forgive you, Dean. And I'm sorry I put you in that situation. You didn't deserve to be forced into that position."

Dean smiles through his puffy, red eyes, and for some reason, his eyes are even more apple green and breathtaking than usual. Cas's heart aches at the thought of one day soon never being able to see them again. 

"Okay. I think that's enough honesty for today," Dean states with a breathy laugh. "Do you want to go home, or are you up to grabbing some food? I didn't eat lunch today, I was so nervous."

Cas realizes he's hungry too, all he had for breakfast was a granola bar, and no lunch. His stomach had been upset all day as well. 

"Yes, I'd like to get lunch. But can we stay here for a bit?" he asks. "I don't want to go out looking like I've been crying. I get really blotchy."

Dean smiles again understandingly. "Sure. We can stay here a bit. You look lovely all the time, sweetheart."

Cas grins despite himself, ever a fan of pet names. "Okay. Thank you"

"Of course."

They get up and find a corner of the room to share, and they snuggle as close to each other as they can, and sit in silence for the next half hour. Cas tries to relish every second and remember every detail. The warmth and solidness of Dean's body, his breathing and heartbeat, the smell of his aftershave and deodorant, every single freckle on his body, anything and everything about him. Cas didn't know if he'd find anyone that fit his body as perfectly as Dean's arms did. He leans his head back to rest on his boyfriend's shoulder, closes his eyes, and concentrates on never, ever forgetting this moment. 

Dean's hands brush through his hair, pressing a kiss to the side of his head, and Castiel lets himself melt into his touch. It wasn't long ago that the sensation of hands on his body made him want to puke, but Dean was, as always, the exception.

***

~later that day~

Dean

Across from him was the most beautiful man he's ever met.

He and Cas were at a local burger joint, enjoying a milkshake/French fry combo with each other. Dean was determined to make this seem like a normal date that normal couples do on normal days. He just wants as many of these candid moments as he can before he has to go.

Castiel is engrossed in his food, poking a French fry around in his milkshake distractedly. He's barely had any of it. 

"You alright?" Dean asks through a mouthful of French fries. Of course he isn't alright, you idiot, Dean thought immediately.

Cas seems startled a bit, but meets Dean's eyes and chuckles nervously. "Oh, it's nothing. Just, uh...just the calories are probably, uh, a bit high..."

Dean nods, an unexpected pang of sadness and sorrow shooting through him. How is Cas ever going to survive without him? Not to be narcissistic, but Dean was fairly certain he was the thread Cas was hanging on by.

"Oh," he says. "I'm sorry, babe, I shouldn't have suggested fast food in the state you were in. We can go somewhere else," he offered.

Cas smiles self-consciously, blushing ever so slightly in embarrassment, "No, Dean, it's fine. I'll live."

Poor choice of words, Dean thinks, but he'll take it.

"I love you." Dean says, trying to give Cas a meaningful look.

"I love you too, Dean." Cas replies, giving Dean a look as well. "Forever and always."

Dean smiles, and tries to keep his heart from breaking.

Day 260

Be honest.

Check.