A/N:

Hey guys! Just letting y'all know, this is the last chapter I'll be able to put out for a bit, I'm moving across the country for college and I don't know how long I'll be offline. Enjoy this chapter, I'll be back when I'm settled! Thank you for staying with me this long!

-Wren

***

Dean

It's 2:13am, and Dean is staring at the wall, thinking of the many wrongs he needs to right. Keeping the secret of his quickly-approaching death from Sammy, not being proactive in making sure Gabriel gets what he deserves, allowing himself to overlook how much his death sentence was affecting Cas, so many things he had to fix in 21 days. Three weeks. That's all he had left before nothing mattered anymore.

He had been, putting it lightly, a bit of a wreck. Constant worrying, an ever-present fit of nausea in his stomach, almost no sleep, and worst of all, the sinking, spiraling feeling of not being enough.

"What's the matter, Dean?" Cas's voice is heard over his shoulder, and soon he finds a pair of arms encircling his waist and a head being laid on his shoulder as Cas spoons him. He sighs,  irritated at himself for waking his boyfriend.

"It's nothing, Cas," he says. "Go back to sleep, babe."

"Don't lie to me, Winchester," his boyfriend's voice is a low rumble in his ear. "What's going on?"

Dean inhales shakily, glad that he's facing away from Castiel. He doesn't want the man to see the pained look he's sure he's carrying on his face. "Just...thinking. About how I'm going to be gone, and how there's so much left that I have to do. What am I supposed to do about Sammy? With me gone, he legally belongs to my dad. How can I put him back in that environment? How can I throw him back into that hell? I'm so fucking selfish. I'm going to die in three weeks and everything is falling apart and it's because of me."

Cas is quiet for a minute, and Dean briefly wonders if he fell back asleep.

"I don't know what I can say that can make you feel better," he says after a moment, his voice slow and even. "but I want you to know that I love you, and I love Sam, and I'll try and pick up the pieces after you're gone. I...I don't know if I'll be able to pick myself up, but I promise you, I'll put my own feelings aside to make sure Sam is safe. Do you have other family? Bobby, maybe?"

"Yeah, Bobby might work. Sam's always been his favorite, I'm sure he'll love to take him. It's just the legal issue. If our dad fights for him, I don't know if he'll win. Last time I saw him he looked like a real person, I don't know if he's sobered up for good, but if he pulls that act with a judge then he might end up getting Sam. I don't know. I just don't want Sam back in that house."

Dean feels Cas nod against his shoulder, and a kiss is pressed to his temple. Dean melts into the  touch, savoring every last sensation he can. He wants to be able to live in this moment forever, the feeling of love blooming in his chest and the feeling of safety he feels his boyfriend's arms.

"I just want to stay like this forever. Is that too much to ask?" the Winchester says, tipping his head back closer to Cas and closes his eyes. The warmth of the bed, the pressure of Cas holding him, the smell of Cas enveloping him, the darkness of the room, everything was exactly how it should be. His approaching expiration date made him appreciate these little things so much more--he never knew how wonderful sleeping with someone could be until it was going to be taken from him.

"Me too," Cas replies, burrowing his head into Dean's shoulder. "Try to get some sleep, sweetheart. I'll stay awake until you fall asleep. Close your eyes, try to relax."

Dean obliges, ready to surrender himself to the quiet bliss of sleeping.

As he slips into a steady unconsciousness, he can't help but feel like this will never be enough.

***

He has to tell Sam. He can't wait any longer. It's not fair to the kid, three weeks is barely enough time to come to terms with it as is. Getting him to believe the situation would be difficult; Sam was always the realist between the two of them. So should he lie? Come up with some phantom illness that would claim him in exactly 21 days? Maybe he could bypass hurting his brother if he told him the truth, but didn't make it convincing enough for him to truly believe it. 

Thoughts are whirling in Dean's head as he walks to class that morning. He wasn't able to choke down breakfast, his stomach was pretty much constantly twisted into knots and he knew he wasn't setting a good example for Cas, but he couldn't help it. At least his boyfriend managed to get some coffee and toast into him. That was another concern, the fragility of Cas and how Dean knows without a doubt that the man will spiral once he dies. He wants to count each bite of food as a victory, each day clean as a triumph, but he knows it's just an act to keep him from worrying. Cas had said as much himself.

Dean slides into his seat, trying hard to push away the worries spinning in his brain so that he could focus on class. Finals were coming up, and although the temptation to just blow everything off and not worry about grades on top of everything else was enticing, but it wasn't really in his nature these days. In high school he was the king of blowing things off and never taking anything seriously, but so much had happened his freshman year that he feels like a completely different person. His grades had been suffering as is, so he really needed to pay attention. He didn't want his last acts as a free man to be ones of failure.

At long last, his intro math class was finished, and he could go to his wood-shop elective class with Cas. He had taken the class because Cas was in it, but he found that he enjoyed creating things and it was a constructive outlet for everything that was happening at the moment.

 "Hey, babe," Dean greets Cas, his grief already feeling lighter. "It's good to see you."

Cas smiles in a way that made his heart melt, and he tried to memorize every detail of his face. He would never grow tired of seeing that smile.

"Hello, Dean," he replies, taking his hand and squeezing it.

They begin work, keeping things light and casual. They had made an agreement that they wouldn't talk about heavier subjects while at class; they deserved some time that wasn't completely devoted to depressing topics.

"I was thinking of taking some psychology classes next year," Cas says casually. "I don't really know what I want to do when I get out of college, but psychology seems like a cool subject, and it might help me understand myself a bit more. Therapy would be a good career for me, I think."

"I think so too," Dean agrees wholeheartedly. It was good to see Cas making plans for his life after Dean died. He had worried that he would quit moving, just spiral out of control and never stop. "You've definitely got the right temperament for it. I can't tell you how many times you've managed to calm me down when I get spun up about something."

"Yeah..." Cas pauses thoughtfully. "I just feel like I have to make something out of my illnesses. I mean, they've claimed so much of my life, hell, I've been on antidepressants since I was 12, I just feel like I have to use them for something constructive. I don't like the thought that I've suffered for nothing."

Dean can understand that. He was the same way with religion; before this whole thing with Crowley, he hadn't really believed in any one set religion, but he didn't like thinking that everything that happened in his mortal life was for nothing, that no one was watching and no one cared what happened. The thought of being truly meaningless was not one that Dean wanted to think about. So, he chose to believe that something happened after death, even if he didn't know what. Well, now he does.

"Yeah, I get that," Dean says, his voice slightly strained as he put his whole body into sanding the piece of wood in front of him. "I think you'd be good at it. I don't really understand people who go into mental health careers who don't have any experience with mental illness. People who have struggled with, and overcame, mental illness will always have a more powerful effect on a patient. You'll show them that it's possible to come out the other side in one piece."

"Yeah, that's the vibe I was going for," Cas replies, pausing for a moment to hammer a nail. "I don't know for sure, but it's definitely on the table. Just a thought."

"Of course. You have time to figure yourself out, just do what makes you happy," Dean says with a wink.

"You make me happy, Dean Winchester," his boyfriend says with a determined smile.

"You make me happy too," the taller man says softly. "So unbelievably happy."

Cas's smile wavers a bit, but he cuts his eyes back to the piece in front of him and maintains the gentle smile.

Before they know it, the class period is over, and they part ways again.

***

Castiel

He doesn't know how long he can keep doing this. 

Pretending he's okay, acting as if his whole world wasn't about to come apart at the seams. Resisting the urge to cut, forcing food down his throat, avoiding the scale and the mirror, everything. It was too much. He's going to implode sooner or later, and he just hopes to God it's not before Dean dies. He didn't want his boyfriend to have to spend his final moments trying to pick up the pieces. Hell, he's already trying to pick up the pieces with Sam, there's no way he could handle trying to put Cas back together as well.

Sam.

What was he going to do with that boy? Dean was right, legally he was John's. The only thing keeping him here was his father's apathy for the situation. Yes, he could go back for 2 years and then move out, but there's no telling what could happen in those two years. Dean had never gone very in depth, but from what he could tell, John was abusive and neglectful as shit and couldn't be trusted with a plant, let alone a whole-ass child. Foster care is absolutely horrid, he spent about two months there after Luci's abuse came out and the family was shattered. He and his siblings weren't allowed to come home until Luci was removed, and that took time. He remembers sitting in the witness's podium in three day old clothes and unwashed hair and testifying against his brother and having to relive his worst moments. He had never spoken about the abuse before, the only reason it was discovered was when he was literally caught in the act, so the first time he ever got to talk about it was to a lawyer. He was 16 fucking years old.

He suppresses a shudder. Time and trauma blocking had buried this memory deep within him, and he couldn't cope with it for more than a few minutes when it did surface. He knew he would have to, one day, drag it all into the light and deal with it, but that day is not today.

Cas wanted to take Sam in so badly, but he knows that his family is, once again, in shambles, and can't take one more traumatized kid. Plus, legally, Sam still lived with John. His life in the dorm with Dean had been rather hush-hush, but when something big, like a college student death, happens, the authorities tend to start looking deeper.

God, this whole thing was just one big clusterfuck. How were they ever going to come out of this alive? Cas didn't know, but all he could do right now is try to stay afloat, or at least pretend to.

He directs his attention to the clock in front of the auditorium. 7 minutes until class ends. He could, if he wanted to, dip out right now with no consequences, but it just wasn't in his nature to cut class. So he can suffer for another 7 minutes. It'll be fine.

When those 7 agonizing minutes are over, he's the first one out the door. Cas makes a beeline for the library, where he and Dean were going to meet before going out to dinner. They've been going out on dates a lot more often, recently, and Cas knows it's because of the approaching end date. He tries not to think about that, and just enjoy the time he does have with Dean now.

"Hey, sweetheart," Dean says upon seeing him, his face relaxing into a tired, but relieved smile.

"Hey," Cas replies softly, a similar smiling spreading across his own. It had been an emotionally rough day, but all it took was a single smile from Dean Winchester to put things right again.

Cas outstretches his hand, his boyfriend taking it and pulling him closer to his side. It was their 9 month anniversary, and the last one they'll ever have. It was a Friday night, and the evening air hinted at a cool night with a slight breeze. Perfect for stargazing later that night.

They cross campus to the parking lot and climb into Dean's car, the low purr of the engine a peaceful background sound. Cas pushes all his negative thoughts and inadequacies aside, determined to spend this evening living in the moment, without a thought of what was to happen in three weeks' time.

"How was your day, my dear?" Dean asks as he pulls out of the parking lot.

"Oh, it was just a day," Cas replies casually. "A bit tiring, but I feel better now that you're here."

"Same here," Dean says, clearing his throat. "I wasn't even in class that long, but I was exhausted by the time it was over. You do a good job at picking me up, though."

"Glad to hear it," Cas says truthfully. If nothing else, he was good for making Dean happy.

Dean puts a tape into the cassette player, and LED Zeppelin starts blasting from the speakers. Castiel wasn't really classic rock type; he preferred more indie music, but when he was in the Impala with Dean, anything could be playing and he would enjoy it.

After awhile, they pulled into a sushi place on the other side of town. It was Cas's favorite place to eat, and Dean had never tried sushi, so he agreed to try it tonight. If he didn't like it, there were other things on the menu, he had said.

Dean was a bit underdressed for the place in his flannel and leather jacket, but Cas had put on a dress shirt and some nicer jeans along with his tie, and he had left his trench coat at the dorm. He felt slightly naked without it on, but it was in need of a good dry cleaning and the cuffs were quite frayed, so he decided to forego it. His shirt had long sleeves anyway, so it helped him feel less vulnerable. There was a scar or two peeking out from the cuff, but they were several years old and had since faded significantly.

They take a seat, and peruse the menu.

"I can't tell what the hell most of these say," Dean says, squinting at the menu. 

"Well, it's not in Japanese, and they have a description below the name, so maybe try reading it closer." Cas snarks with a playful wink.

Dean rolls his eyes and goes back to studying the menu as if he were deciphering an ancient tablet that belonged in a museum.

They order, and soon enough their food is brought to him.

"This is raw fish," Dean states, looking at his plate of food.

"Uh, yeah?" Cas says, slightly perplexed. "What did you think it would be?"

"I don't know, just not...raw," Dean says defensively.

"They train for years to make sushi safely, Dean, and this is a higher end place, you're not going to contract anything and die from this place, unless you lick the floor or something," Cas explains patiently. "So, like...control yourself maybe."

Dean scrunches up his face and says control yourself maybe in a mocking tone at Cas, who in turn laughs unrestrainedly.

"Your laugh is literally the best sound I've ever heard in my life," Dean says seriously.

"Oh really?" Cas asks, surprised. "I always thought it was a bit annoying."

"Nope. Not at all. I just kinda wish I heard it more often," Dean says, almost wistfully.

"Make some better jokes and you might get that wish," Cas counters.

Dean chuckles, and turns to his food. He takes a cautious experimental bite, as if he were putting something vaguely radioactive in his mouth. His eyebrows lift in surprise, and he chews the sushi roll more enthusiastically.

"This is really good!" he exclaims through a mouthful of food.

"Don't speak with your mouth full, you neanderthal. We're in a nice place," Cas says, half-joking.

Dean rolls his eyes again and swallows his food. "Better?" he asks sarcastically.

"Much," Cas says before taking a bite of his roll. He closes his eyes and savors it. It had been awhile since he had been here, maybe two years ago, when he turned 17? It was an annual birthday treat, and Cas missed it.

The evening passes in good fun and high spirits, and by the time they split the bill, all worries and concerns have left Cas, and he felt truly, genuinely happy.

It's deeper into the night by now, and Dean had promised Cas the best place to stargaze in all of Lawrence. Cas had never truly stargazed, he had always lived in a place that had a rather large amount of light pollution, and he could never see more than a few stars.

It was a bit of a long drive, 30 minutes maybe, and they had left the city lights far behind, taking back roads at high speeds. Cas eases his grip on the arm rest after a few miles, feeling himself slip into a state of exhilarated bliss, the wind blasting through the rolled-down windows tousling his hair wildly as he surrenders to the moment.

The drive was made in silence, save for the roaring of the engine and the chaos of the wind, and Castiel was seized with the wild concept that he's flown like this before, like he once had wings and this is as close as he could get to the days where he could fly amongst the thunderstorms. The notion passes almost as suddenly as it arrived, but Cas was content to imagine himself soaring above the clouds as the wind whips his face.

As all things do, the drive ends and the Impala slows to a crawl, the grass and gravel crunching beneath the tires as the car stops.

"Well, this is it, Cas," Dean says, a smile wide across his face as he retrieves a blanket from the trunk. "My favorite place in all of Kansas. I'm finally sharing it with my favorite person." he adds with a wink.

Cas blushes a bit before allowing his boyfriend to take his hand and lead him to a patch of open grass. Dean spreads the blanket onto the ground, and the two settle onto the forest floor, their bodies firmly pressed from shoulder to hip, Cas draping his legs over Dean's and resting his head on his shoulder.

The stars are, put simply, breathtaking. Cas is gripped with a brief and unpleasant sense of deja vu as he remembers that horrible night, lying on the ground, ejected from the Impala and bleeding out slowly on the asphalt. He pushed the memory away and focuses on the way it felt to be alive, to be alive and living with Dean for these precious few days. Their breath, their chests rising and falling in sync, the way the warmth of Dean's body seeps into his own, and the wonderful sensation of being close, touching another human, the person he loves the most.

"It's beautiful," Cas says softly, mesmerized by the vast expanse of stars and the faint outline of the Milky Way stretching across the heavens. Cas feels another pull at his chest, as if he knew the stars more intimately than most others. Like he was present the day they were born.

"Much like someone else I know," Dean says, a provoking smile on his lips.

Cas laughs softly, shifting to his side and throwing his arm across Dean's chest. God, if he could only stay like this forever.

"You're missing the stars, Cas," Dean says, but he rolls onto his side as well to face Cas. His hands  come up and touch his boyfriend's face, his fingertips ghosting over his cheekbones as he rubs his thumb lovingly over his skin. Cas melts into his touch, savoring the feeling before leaning in to kiss him.

They had kissed many times, and Cas had cherished each and every one. Their first kiss (his first ever kiss) had been like lightning, suddenly filling him with a charge he never knew he could possess, but this? This one felt like coming home.

The kisses deepen, mouths open and hot as they kiss with a passion Cas never thought was possible. His hands rove over Dean's body, and he presses himself closer, and even then they couldn't get close enough.

Clothes came off, feeling soared high, and love was made under the blanket of stars. Cas had never felt like he fit as well anywhere else like he did when his body was moulded to Dean's. Nothing else mattered in that moment except for the lovely sensation of skin on skin, lips on lips, and hearts on hearts

After they finished, they laid together, still naked, still high on the afterglow. Cas didn't love his body, and he was still ashamed of his scars, but for some reason, with only Dean and the stars as his witness, he had never felt more beautiful than he did at this moment.

Sleep soon overtakes them, and Cas slips into a deep, dreamless slumber. For once, everything was perfect.