A/N

Hey guys, back again!! I have literally no reason not to, I have my own laptop and internet access, so I am back to full time writing! I'm trying to make the chapters longer, but that means updating will be a little slower. Aiming for 1 chapter of some fanfic a week, but can't promise every fic getting a chapter a every week. Anyway, here's a summary since I know it's been awhile and you've been reading other fics

-Castiel and Dean are college roommates

-Cas has a history of self harm, suicidal tendencies, and eating disorders

-Cas tries to kill himself via wrist-slitting, and as Dean was taking him to the hospital they get into a head-on with a semi truck, landing them both in the hospital

-While in the hospital, Crowley the demon appears and gets Dean to sell his soul in exchange for Cas's life, and now Dean has 10 months to live

-Cas and Dean get together, but they have a blowout over the soul-selling and Cas leaves for 6 months, but ultimately comes back.

-Sam is kicked out of John Winchester's house for being gay, and he is dating Gabriel

-Cas and Dean have both come up with a "300 day bucket list" of things to do before Dean dies.

-It is revealed that Gabriel has been sexually abusing Sam, who is asexual.

Hope this helps. Happy reading!

***

Samuel

"Hello, Sam!" Gabe greets Sam as he walks into his room, pulling him closer and kissing him deeply. Sam pulls back slightly, but Gabe grabs his shirt collar and pulls him down and kisses him again, more authoritatively.

Sam had been going over to Gabe's house every day. He didn't always want to, seeing as almost every time he went over he was expected to let Gabriel fuck him. But if he didn't, Gabe would text him incessantly and one time he actually threatened him.

Sam sits down carefully next to Gabriel on the bed, about six inches away. Gabe pulls him closer and kisses him gently, frustrating Sam. Sometimes he was so gentle, so loving, that Sam wants to stay with him forever. He knew that his boyfriend was manipulating him, but it felt so damn good when he brushed his hair out of his face and kisses him softly on the forehead. He could almost forget how disgusting and used he felt after their...sessions...

Sam kisses back, softly, relishing the feel of those soft lips against his. Maybe it would be different today. Maybe they can just kiss and laugh and cuddle and watch rom-coms that his brother hates.

Then the kisses grow more passionate, Gabe shoving his tongue down Sam's throat. Sam pulls back involuntarily, but he is pulled closer as Gabe's tongue violates his mouth. Sam pulls back harder, unexpected anger flooding through him.

"Stop it! I fucking hate that. It doesn't feel good anymore!" Sam says angrily, clenching his fists by his side. Gabe looks startled at his outburst, but soon enough his face turns hard and dark, extinguishing the spark of defiance in Sam.

"You don't like that?" Gabe asks mockingly. "Fine. Leave. See if I care. Don't bother coming back, coward."

Sam's eyes well with tears, and he instantly begins apologizing desperately to Gabe, hating how broken his voice sounded as he groveled to his boyfriend.

"Shut up. Stop crying. Just get the fuck out and don't come back." Gabe says, his eyes as cold and hard as stone.

Sam tearfully gets up and staggers out of the room, slamming the door shut and almost falling down the stairs. He makes his way out the front door and dissolves into sobs on the front porch. Why was he like this? Why couldn't he enjoy sex and intimacy like everyone else? Why did he have to prove every single day that he loved his boyfriend? He doesn't know. All he knows is that he's a worthless, broken coward, just like Gabe said.

Sam picks himself up, wipes the tears and snot away with his sleeve, and calls Dean.

***

Dean

Castiel and Dean were enjoying a quiet dinner with themselves, and it felt nice to be the only ones in the dorm. It allowed a nice, romantic atmosphere with little to no room for tension. Dean wishes he could stay like this forever.

Dean's phone rings, cutting through the ambiance with some obscure 70's rock song. He groans, unwilling to be interrupted during dinner.

"Ugh, it's Sam. I have to take this." Dean says apologetically.

"It's fine, Dean," Cas says gently. "Take it, he's your brother. We can continue later."

Dean accepts the call, mouthing a silent thank you to his boyfriend.

"Hey, Sammy. What's going on?" 

"Nothing."

Sam's voice is flat and emotionless, which sends red flags shooting up in Dean's head.

"Are you all right? Why did you call?" Dean asks, worry seeping through his words.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just want to be picked up now." The monotone is leaving his voice, but now he just sounds tired.

"Of course. Is something wrong? You've only been there for half an hour."

"Nothing's wrong. Gabe wasn't feeling well for a bit, and I left after he fell asleep watching a movie with me," Sam says, his words sounding a bit rehearsed. "I figured he must be feeling really bad to fall asleep to Star Wars, so I thought I should let him rest."

"Oh. Okay," Dean says, not entirely convinced. "Sounds good then. I'll be there in 20 minutes." He hits the "end call" button and turns to Cas. 

"Sorry, babe, I have to go get Sam." Dean says, more than a little disappointed at the prospect of leaving dinner with his boyfriend.

"It's alright. Don't worry about it. Is everything okay?" Cas asks, reading the worry lines in Dean's forehead.

"Yeah, I think so. Sam says Gabe isn't feeling well, so he wants to be picked up so he can rest."

"Oh. He didn't seem sick yesterday, but I hope he's okay." Cas muses.

"Yeah, me too." Dean says, putting on his coat and walking out the door. Something wasn't right, but he doesn't know what.

He guesses he'll find out soon enough.

***

Samuel

Sam sits on the curb next to the Novak's driveway, his head resting on his knees that were pulled up to his chest, eyes dull and staring into the distance. He felt so goddamn empty. Like every emotion had been wrung out of him like water out of cloth.

He loves Gabriel. But at the same time, he is terrified of him. Despite being almost a foot taller than him, he still feels threatened by him. This is his first ever relationship, and it seemed okay for there to be a 3 year age gap, didn't it? Gabriel always said he was so much more mature than most 16 year old boys out there, and that he was different and special, and that Gabe knew how to treat him right. Could he be wrong? If sex was so difficult for him, was he actually as mature and special as Gabe said he was? 

Maybe we should break up.

The thought presents itself before Sam even registers thinking it. Despite Gabriel telling him not to come back, Sam knew they weren't really finished, but that didn't help ease the guilt and anxiety roiling within him. But what if he doesn't come back? What if he goes home with Dean, and never comes back?

The thought terrifies him.

Gabe told him that he was the only one who would ever love him, and Sam fears it may be true. After all, if he couldn't have sex, doesn't like tongue, and didn't want to be unclothed, who else in their right mind could love someone like that? He doesn't want to ruin the one chance he has, but there's something deep within him that wants to rebel, be free, albeit a little lonely.

But then he thinks about his brother and Castiel. They seemed so happy together. Even though Cas has depression, watching him and his brother together, you'd never know it. Is that what love is supposed to be like? Would he want sex if he had someone as wonderful as Castiel asked it from him?

Sam doesn't know. All he knows is that he's not happy and that he's broken. 

Dean's newly-restored Impala pulls up in the driveway, and Sam heaves his body, heavy with guilt, upwards to walk to his brother's car.

***

Dean

Worry.

That's all he could feel now. Worry, with maybe a touch of guilt. Something is happening with his little brother and he doesn't know what. What is he good for, if not protecting Sam? That's what he's been doing since day one, protecting and loving him. Growing up the way they did, Sam wouldn't have stood a chance without Dean. He took almost every beating for Sam, lied to get Sam out of trouble, covered for him every single time, and whenever Sam did get hurt, he was there to put him back together. 

Dean used to tell stories to Sam whenever things got rough. When his dad was passed out drunk on the couch, after Dean had picked himself up off the floor after being beaten, after Sam started to cry, he would sit his little brother down on the floor of their bedroom and make up something to make Sam smile. Stories of dragons, faeries, adventure, and magic. An ideal world full of possibilities that Dean knew Sam could never have living with their dad. Worlds full of safety and fun and love, where nothing bad could ever happen. The place where he so desperately wanted to run away to.

But they're older now. Fairytales and imagination don't exactly cut it anymore. Whatever is happening with Sam, it'll take more than a bedtime story to fix it.

Dean pulls up to the driveway, and his heart breaks when he sees his little brother looking so dejected and lost, crumpled up like a used tissue on the curb with his feet in the gutter. 

Sam's head rises at the sound of the Impala's engine, and his body follows as he walks heavily to the passenger side, opens the door, and slides in.

"Hey, Sammy," Dean says softly, giving him a quick once-over to make sure he wasn't physically hurt.

"Hi, Dean," Sam said flatly, staring at the dash.

The two ride in silence for a few minutes before Dean speaks up.

"Do you...do you want to talk about it?" he asks.

Sam lifts his head and gives a strained smile. "Talk about what?"

Dean grits his teeth, trying not to let the overwhelming concern and anxiety manifest in anger. "You know what. Whatever's been going on. What happened, Sam? Are you and Gabe okay?"

Sam flinches a little at the sound of his boyfriend's name, sending red flags flying in Dean's mind. 

"Yeah. Everything is good," he says, trying and failing to sound nonchalant. "He's just not feeling well."

Dean is silent. He's not used to this. They never kept secrets from each other growing up. It was them against the world and their dad, and secrets had no place in their relationship as brothers. It hurt, being excluded from something so important and real.

"Okay," Dean reluctantly caves. "But you can always talk to me, Sammy. No matter what. I mean it."

Sam nods, still staring into space. "I know. Thank you."

The rest of the drive was done in silence.

***

After the two got back to the dorm, Dean asked Cas to come talk outside with him.

"What is it, Dean? Is everything okay?" Cas asks worriedly.

"That's the thing," Dean says, rubbing the back of his neck. "I don't know. We never kept secrets from each other growing up, and now he won't say a damn word to me. What could be so bad that he couldn't talk to me about it?"

"A lot of things, to be honest," Cas replies, a faraway look on his face that tells Dean that his boyfriend has had his fair share of those.

"Yeah, I guess you're right," Dean says reluctantly, looking at the ground as if it had the answers to his queries. "Do you think Gabe has anything to do with it?"

Cas looks up at Dean, his face strained. "I don't know. Maybe. Gabe had his fair share of issues, but he's grown out of most of them, I think. He's more stable now than he's ever been."

"So is Sam, actually," Dean says in agreement. "I wonder if they're going to break up."

Cas sighs. "Maybe. The age gap may make things difficult."

Dean sighs as well, dropping his hand from his neck and swinging his arms by his side. "I don't know. I just hope he knows he can talk to me if he needs to."

"Yeah, I think he does," Cas comments. "It's just a matter of when he's ready."

"You're probably right, as per frickin' usual," Dean says with a half smile playing on his lips.

Cas smiles, and it's like falling for the first time again. "What do you say to a movie? Just to take our minds off things and let Sam decompress."

Dean chuckles gratefully, glad to have a distraction. "I'm saying hell yes. Meet me out here in 5?"

"Will do."

Dean sticks his head into the dorm and shouts, "Sammy, we're going to a movie! You're in charge, dude!"

"Okay!" Sam's voice is heard from the back bedroom, sounding reasonably calm and normal, Dean hopes.

Dean meets Cas outside, and the two drive off.

***

Samuel

He hasn't felt like this in a long, long time.

So empty.

So devoid of emotion and feeling.

He doesn't have the energy to do whatever coping skills he's learned, and to be honest, he's missed this empty sadness. Nirvana has a song, Sam doesn't know which one, Dean was just listening to it the other day and he heard the lyrics, and one of the lines is "I miss the comfort in being sad". Sam can relate to that. When he's not sad, he doesn't quite know how to feel.

Granted, he had kicked his depression and self-destructive tendencies to the curb for the most part, but sometimes his happiness felt fake, his smiles forced. Like he was masquerading as happy, even though he wasn't quite sure how to actually feel happy. Gabe used to make him happy. Really, genuinely happy. Or at least happy enough to where he didn't think about being sad very much.

Sam knows, as his therapist told him, that he can't rely on other people to make him happy. But being with Gabe makes him happy. Or, it used to. 

Sam gets up, still so completely broken and numb, walks to the bathroom, shuts the door, and sits on the toilet lid, trying to talk himself out of what he was going to do next. No reasonable argument was made for either side, besides the deafening chorus of because I want to.

So, for the first time, in a very long time, Sam takes a blade to his skin, and begins to cry.