Samuel

"Cas, come here."

The youngest Winchester calls for Castiel, his eyes never leaving the screen in front of him. Dean and Cas managed to scrape up enough money for a used X-Box to make Sam's Christmas less crappy. Sam, of course, loved it.

The Novak sits down heavily on the mattress that Sam used as a bed. The college Dean allowed Sam to stay on campus, provided Dean paid for an extra person. Sam helped out when he could; he and Gabe found a job at a candy store in the mall.

The two talk over the Minecraft game that Sam was playing, neither knowing much about video games but thoroughly enjoying themselves. Sam decided he likes Cas a lot.

"Hey...Cas..um..." Sam says unsteadily, unsure of what he was going to say, or how to say it. 

Sam can see Cas begin to inflate with anxiety, so he hurries to complete his thought.

"It's nothing huge, but Dean...he asked me to talk to you. He said he wasn't very good with the kind of thing we went through, so he thinks that maybe I'll do a better job of talking to his boyfriend than he would." Sam snorts, rolling his eyes at the typical obtuseness of his brother.

Cas nods slowly, turning to face the younger boy. He plasters a smile on his face that Sam can tell is fake.

"Well, I'm not sure what he wanted me to do, but he just told me to tell you that if you can't talk to him for any reason, then you can always talk to me. Sometimes the boyfriend dynamic gets in the way of friendship, so I just want you to know I'm here. If you and Dean get in a fight, or you can't talk to him about something,  I'm here. So...we good?"

Cas nods again. "I think so. Thanks, Sam." He smiles warmly, and Sam is happy to think he did something right for once.

***

Castiel

Cas really loved Dean's room.

There was next to nothing on the walls, and very little clutter, but on his desk there was a photo of the two of them sharing a kiss in front of the university gates. A very unhappy Sam had to take that picture; the boy was typically not one for sappy photo shoots. Neither was Dean, apparently, but that picture says differently.

There was also a curious little leather bound notebook that was wedged between the mattress and box spring. 

Cas found it interesting that Dean would be the kind to journal, so he plucked up the journal and began to read it. Dean wouldn't mind, he was sure; they shared everything.

300 Day Bucket List

That's odd. Cas never took Dean for the type to have a bucket list, of all things. And 300 days is about ten months...what happens in ten months?

Day One - Save a life.  ✔️

Day Two -  Kiss someone new.  ✔️

Day Three - Take a risk. ✔️

As Cas reads, he's struck by a odd sense of déjà vu. Hadn't Dean done all this with him? 

He flips forward a few pages.

Day 33 - Feel deeply. ✔️

Day 34 -  Give something up. ✔️

Cas starts feeling a bit uneasy. This sounded an awful lot like a countdown. To what, is the question... Cas wonders.

The last completed entry was for Day 61, which was Make a memory. Just yesterday they had gone to the ice rink and taken heck tons of pictures. For posterity, Dean said. Cas remembers feeling grateful for the cold to hide the rush of blood to his face when Dean winked at him after making that remark.

Cas goes to close the book when he sees a slip of white paper packed tightly between the pages. With a sense of unease, he pulls it out, the paper crinkling in protest.

Dear Castiel, it read, 

First things first: I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. Never forget that, my darling, never.

Second: everything I have done since the moment I met you has been out of love. Everything. Even this.

When you were in the hospital after you tried to kill yourself, I was so alone. So very scared and alone. But then someone gave me hope.

Someone named Crowley told me that he could fix you if I gave him something of mine. I gave it to him, and he fixed you.

I saw you, Cas, all wired in and barely breathing and it broke my heart. I was there when you flatlined, and I watched you die. But Crowley fixed you. And I had to give him what I gave him for you to live.

I am dying, Cas. As I write this, I can feel my cells decaying, I can feel my life leaving me. I have ten months, and that's it. So here's a 300 day bucket list to right all the wrongs I have done in my life. When you read this, I will be gone. But you won't be.

And the most important thing, Castiel, is--

"Cas. What are you..."

Cas's head snaps up in time to see a look of horror cross his boyfriend's face as he realizes what he's doing.

Dean crosses the room in three strides and snatches the journal and paper, tearing the latter.

"Oh, Cas, how far did you read? You weren't supposed to see that..." Dean says, panic in his features.

Now Cas is angry. "Supposed to see what, Dean, your fucking suicide note?!"

Dean runs his free hand through his hair, tears glistening in his eyes. "It's not a suicide note, Cas, it's...it's an explanation."

"An explanation for what, exactly? What did you give to Crowley, Dean?"

Dean buries his face in his hands, sobs wracking his muscular shoulders. Cas felt no pity for him, though. Not after he had done the thing that he had fought so hard to keep Cas from doing.

Dean whispers something, too soft for Cas to hear.

"What? What did you give him, Dean?"

Dean looks up, tears reddening his eyes. "My soul...I gave him my soul, Cas."

Castiel is stunned, not expecting that answer. "You gave him your...soul? What the hell does that mean?"

"Crowley is the King of Hell. He said in exchange for your life, I give my soul. And I agreed."

Cas opens and closes his mouth like a fish out of water, unable to form intelligible words. "What the fuck does that mean? You can't just give your soul to whatever asshat asks for it, it's physically impossible, and this is assuming that souls even exist."

Dean looked at Cas with pleading eyes, torment twisting his features. "You don't understand, Cas. You weren't there. He touched me on the forehead and then we were instantly in your room, like teleportation, I swear. He snapped his fingers when I declined the offer, and you started to die. When you flatlined, that was Crowley. I accepted, and you stabilized."

Cas scoffs, shaking his head in disbelief. "Dean, I don't know what kind of acid trip you're on, but that did not happen. I was dying because I tried to kill myself, and dying is a normal thing that a body does when you sever the radial artery. And if you're telling the truth, who the hell said I wanted to be saved? I slit my wrists for a reason, Dean, and not a day goes by that I don't regret you finding me."

Dean is silent as sobs wrack his body, and Cas feels a bit of guilt niggling at him, but pushes it away.

"You don't...you don't mean that Cas...what about me? What about us? Do you regret that, too?"

Cas glares at Dean. "Sometimes I do. Why do you think I tried to kill myself? I'm no good for you, and I'm not worth it. No one is worth the shit we've been through."

Dean looks into Cas's eyes, and the dark haired man can feel the emotions catching up with him. 

"Please, Cas...don't say that. Please don't say that. You are worth it. You are worth everything in the world."

Cas snorts, tears burning at the back of his eyes. "Who are you to decide? Who the hell gets to decide what someone is worth?"

Dean scoffs, "No one. Not you, for sure. Not me either, but I am the one to decide if I want you. I want you. I love you. I want you, all of you, every side. Why the hell would I sell my soul to the King of Hell? I don't do it for kicks. I did it for you. Everything I've done since the day I met you has been for you. You know that."

"This is too far, Dean. You've crossed the line. How am I supposed to live with this? How am I supposed to be okay with the fact I've sentenced the man I love to eternal torture just because I'm a fucked up mess who made a mistake? I wish I had died, Dean. I wish I never met you."

Dean's face is contorted with grief, his apple green eyes shining with tears. "Cas...you can't possibly mean that, not--"

"Who the FUCK gets to decide what I mean?! I wish I had never run into you outside this dorm, I wish I would have died that night, I wish I would have died when I was 13 when I first attempted, I wish you had never had the misfortune of getting attached to me!" Castiel yells, shaking with rage. He infuriated by the fact that he had fucked up this bad. Anger is a secondary emotion but it was all he could feel now.

Sammy poked his head in the door, fear crossing his face when he sees the two arguing. "Are you guys oka--"

"Not now, Sam. Get out. Go to the library, I'll come get you when this is smoothed over." Dean tells his brother.

Cas scoffs, shaking his head. "This is never going to be 'smoothed over'. I never want to see you again, Dean. Live your ten months with someone who deserves you. We're done."

Dean's is stricken by shock, his color drained from his face as his eyes glaze over. "Cas..."

"No, Dean. We. Are. Over. I'm packing my things tomorrow, and I'm going to go to a different college. I was offered a scholarship there, and I'm sure they'll accept me." Cas says coldly, his face set in stone.

The love of Dean's life walks out the door without a glance back.