Chuck Nova

"I told you, Chuck, and you didn't listen!" Mrs. Novak hisses through her teeth at her husband. "I told you he wasn't ready to be left alone to his own devices, I told you that he should stay at home and go to school during the day and come back at night!"

"Becky, he's a grown man for God's sake! Excuse me for thinking that an 18 year old man can handle himself." Mr. Novack says sarcastically.

"That's the thing, he is grown, but you know he's different, you know what he struggles with and he obviously wasn't ready for this!" 

"I'm sorry! I thought he could do this. I thought that he could beat this, and when I heard about Dean I was ecstatic because I thought he could help Castiel. I don't know what you want me to do." Mr. Novak says defeatedly.

"I want you to go up there and make him sure that he is loved." Mrs. Novak says, her eyes pleading with her husband.

"How in the hell do I do that?!" Mr. Novak says frustratedly.

"You'll figure something out, Chuck, you always do. Now go."

Mr. Novak sighs and begins to climb up the stairs to his son's bedroom.

He stops by his door, bringing his hand up hesitantly and knocking on the door with his first two knuckles.

"Hey, Castiel..." Mr. Novak falters, "Can I...can I come in? Please?"

Silence for a moment, then Mr. Novak rejoices when he hears footsteps crossing the room.

The door cracks open to reveal a emotionless face, and his dad's stomach clenches in worry when he sees the lack of feeling. Castiel has a habit of shutting down emotionally when he is stressed, but Mr. Novak thought he had long outgrew it.

"What do you want, Dad?" Cas says in a monotone, confirming his father's suspicions.

"I just...can I come in?" He asks again.

Cas doesn't say a word, but he walks back into his room and sits on the bed, leaving the door open for his father to come in.

Mr. Novak sits next to his son, wracking his brain for words.

"I just want to say, Castiel, that...I'm proud of you, oaky?"

Castiel looks up, slightly puzzled, "You're proud of me for running away like a coward?"

"No, not about that," he says, "I meant I'm proud of who you are. What you've become. What you managed to survive going through. I was really hesitant to let you go to college and stay in a dorm away from home, and it looks like it was completely justified, but I know I can't change your mind. You're 18 years old, Castiel. You're not that tiny baby that I held so many years ago. You've got a life, and a boyfriend that loves you, and a family who loves you too. You've gotten a degree, you've built your life out of the shambles given to you, and on top of that, you did it all while battling a mental war."

Cas nods slowly, processing. "Thank you."

Mr. Novak refrains from sighing, he could obviously tell Cas wasn't computing it properly. He hopes when he leaves his son will go back to it and know he was being sincere.

"Okay, I'll leave you alone now. I love you, okay?" Mr. Novak says.

"Okay. I love you too Dad." Cas says robotically, staring straight ahead at his wallpaper.

His dad gets up and leaves, careful to latch the door on his way out. He knew Cas liked his privacy, and he had checked the room for razors before Cas came home.

***

Castiel

It was so much easier not to feel.

Shutting down and becoming an emotionless robot was quite appealing to him, but he had that nagging voice of common sense yelling at him to wake up and call Dean, to let him know he's okay.

Slowly Cas stands up, his joints popping in protest. He pulls out his phone and sends a text to Dean,

Hey Dean, just wanted to let you know I'm all right. I'll see if I can swing by later to see you guys. I love you, okay?

Cas sighs and buries his face in his hands. God, when would he ever stop fucking things up? He should have told someone where he was going, it wasn't fair that Sam had to lie to his boyfriend to keep his brother's boyfriend safe, he should never have hesitated when he slit his wrists that night. Maybe if he had died that night things would be better now, Dean wouldn't have to go to Hell for eternity, he would be out of his misery, and all would be well. Dean would get over him. Sam would get over him. Gabriel would too, and so would his siblings.  His parents? It might be hard on them, but he would be forgotten eventually. 

Why didn't I cut deeper? I'm such a coward....