Castiel

Castiel is at the Walmart two blocks from Lawrence Community College. His eyes wandered the shelves in the pharmaceutical section. He was picking up his Zoloft prescription, but it was taking a while to fill, so he was just killing time when his eyes found...a set of scales. Cas freezes and his heart jumps. He had a little extra cash, scales were a practical necessity, he wouldn't become obsessed, he can do this....no, he tells himself firmly, no. He had promised Dean.
As if on cue, Dean comes striding up beside Dean and claps him on the shoulder,
"Hey Cas, we almost done here?" Dean asks in his usual loud, to-the-point voice. He looks up at the scales Cas was having an internal war over. "Whatcha lookin at? Cas..." he says when he puts two and two together, "seriously? The answer is no."
Cas's temper flares and he says defensively, "I didn't ask your permission, Dean. I wasn't even going to buy them anyway. I was just looking."
Dean rolls his eyes, "All right Cas, whatever. Just so you know, hypothetically, if you were to buy a theoretical set of scales, I would take them and break them. Comprende?"
"Sí. No voy a comprar estas básculas de baño." Cas rattles off in perfect Spanish, partly showing off and partly trying to diffuse the tension with a joke, "Plus, you didn't even use the word 'theoretical' correctly."
Dean rolls his eyes again, so hard Cas genuinely wondered if they'd pop out of his orbital cavities. "oH MY GOD CAS, WE KNOW YOU'RE SMART, NOW SHUT THE HELL UP!"
Cas laughs, all tension gone from his shoulders and face, purely and totally given himself over to the moment. "I think my prescription's ready, Dean."
"I got it," Dean volunteers, sprinting to the check-in counter. Cas starts after him, a split second behind, his heart and feet light with laughter and a jittery happiness that filled his soul with joy. Hell, at this rate, he won't even need those antidepressants!
Dean beats Cas to the counter and collects the paper packet that the pharmacist handed him, Cas reaching him a second later and giggling as he leaned against him for support.
The pharmacist grinned at the two, "You boys are cute," she said approvingly, looking the pair over.
Cas nearly falls over as Dean suddenly pulls away, straightening himself as he stammers,
"No, we're not, uh, I'm not gay, we're roommates actually--"
"It's fine, Dean," Cas says coldly, the laughter  gone as quickly as it came. He was hurt, but if he had learned one thing by now, it was how to conceal his pain.
Dean's face is pained and conflicted, but he says nothing. The pharmacist is looking awkwardly between the two apparently heterosexual men.
"...that will be $9.45. Your insurance saved you $16.93. Have a good day." she breaks the silence robotically, and Cas hurries to swipe his HSA card.

***

As they arrive home, Cas dumps his school things on the dining room table and heads straight for his room, locking the door behind him and crouching on the floor in the dark.
His mind was a whirlwind of emotions: anger at Dean for being straight, hurt that Dean was so quick to deny any feelings for him, sadness because he's so fucking fucked-up, frustrated and furious at himself for falling in love with the man even though he promised himself he wouldn't, and most (and worst) of all, the overwhelming ache that was gone while he was laughing with Dean was back in full force. It constricted his heart, crushing his rib cage around the deceptively fragile muscle, and Cas was on his knees and pulling on his hair, a silent scream building in his throat as he cried noiselessly.
All of a sudden, the feeling is gone. Cas looks up, takes a deep breath, and is filled with a sense of surreal calmness. He is in control. He will not be a slave to his depression.
Even in his unreal state of mind, he realizes how big of a step that is for him. He has always imagined Depression as a corporeal being, sitting in the back of his mind and preying on him without Cas being able to do anything to stop it. But today, today he said no for the first time.
"Cas?" Dean's voice comes from outside his door, hesitant, "You okay in there dude?"
Cas nods, and then remembers Dean can't see him. "Yes." He is surprised at how convincing and steady his voice sounds. "Yeah, I'm good Dean. I'll be out in a minute."
Cas heard nothing from Dean, but he can tell he hasn't moved from his spot outside the door. Cas feels like Dean is about to say something, and he does,
"Hey...Hey, Cas?"
Cas laughs softly, "Haven't moved, Dean."
Cas hears Dean chuckle quietly as he says, "Yeah, I was just thinking...."
Cas silently gets up and pads over to the door on socked feet. He leans on the side of the wall next to the door, imagining Dean doing the same on the opposite side.
"Yeah?"
He can almost hear the indecision and confusion in the other man's head.
Dean sighs, "Nothing, Cas. Just wondering what you wanted for dinner is all."
Cas can hear the defeat in Dean's voice, and that's what spurred him to press the issue instead of dropping it like he usually does.
"Dean, wait..."
The footsteps that had been fading back out to the main room made their way back, pausing outside the door hopefully.
"Yeah?"
Now it's Cas's turn to falter and look or excuses. "Oh, I don't know, it's just you sounded like you wanted to say something else is all."
Dean's sharp intake of breath sends a spike of an unknown emotion into Cas's heart.
"Yeah, actually, I was, but...I kinda don't wanna say it, to be honest..."
Cas's heart races at the possibilities of what Dean doesn't want to say, some good, some of them bad, some of them very bad, but all of them quite exciting.
When Dean doesn't say anything further, Cas says,
"How about this: I tell you something I don't want to tell you, and you'll tell me ?"
Silence, which Cas presumes is Dean thinking over the proposal.
"Okay, deal." Dean agrees, and then takes a deep breath. "Cas, have you...have you hurt yourself recently?"
Oh. That's not what I was expecting. Well fuck.
"What were you expecting?" Dean asks, confused.
Cas cringes, not aware he had said that out loud. "Not that, I guess. And no, I haven't, you can check me if it helps you sleep at night."
Dean laughs softly at the facetious remark. "It would, actually, so I'll have to take you up on that offer. So, your turn."
Cas leans his head against the wall and closes his eyes as he tries to think of something of meaning to tell Dean, since he obviously can't tell him what he was originally going to say. He thinks of something serious enough that Dean will be satisfied with without exposing his feelings too much.
"I, ah, I was actually going to buy them. The scales, I mean. Las básculas," he adds, hoping to win an audible laugh from the other side of the wall. He doesn't get one.
"Yeah, I kinda knew that. It's fine though, because I got to you in time. As long as that happens, we're good. Right?"
"Right." Cas nods, smiling a little even though he knows Dean can't see it.
"Come on, let's eat. I've got some ramen that I picked up while we were at the store."
Cas nods, opens the door, and follows his roommate into the light.