I watch him drink his coffee. Hos eyes are fixed on the world outside the window, his eyebrow just slightly furrowed. Zayn is quiet but deep in thought. We sit in the living room, the bright sunlight illuminates the white furniture and makes everything in here look like it's glowing.

I love this apartment.

And I love to live here with him.

When we go out and come back, I'm happy to come back here. It's like our little cocoon, despite everything, I feel okay when I'm here.

But I hate to think that I'm the reason he has issues sleeping. Zayn had developed circles under his once lively eyes, the clear indication that sleep had not been meeting him lately. Even though he denied it- I knew it was because of me. I knew it at night, when he would wrap his arms around me and stir whenever I made the smallest movements, or whenever he heard the most insignificant sound. He was paranoid. And it was because of me.

"Zayn?" I mumble, "What're you thinking about?"

He directs his attention to me. "Bradford. How you'll like the house we'll be staying in. My dad, a little."

I put my hand over his. "Maybe you should try looking for him."

He shakes his head, smiling sadly in defeat. "I don't know how that would go. I know it would answer a lot of questions and give us all some closure, but I don't know where to start... I don't know if I want to."

"Maybe with his old friends? Your family members on his side? It's been so long, Z, he has to have come up... Maybe it's best you try to talk with him."

He nods in response, "Yeah, you're right. I wanna find him, but at the same time I'm afraid of who I'll find."

"I know everything will be okay," I offer him a smile, hoping he'll do what's best for himself and for his family.

He surprisingly smiles back, placing a simple kiss on my hand. "I don't know what i'd do without you. This is all very complicated, but I know that you'll be with me, and that means more than you know. For once, I don't feel alone."

"Regardless of the outcome, you need answers and he's always gonna be your dad. I promise that we'll get through it. Together."

"It's not something I really wanna do, though," he mumbles, barely audible, but I catch it.

I frowned. "Why?"

He took a sip of his coffee, "I'm still mad at him, Ana. If I see him, I'm scared of what I'll do. Self control," he sighs, "is not a quality I possess."

I had known that from the moment he revealed what a thoughtless, cold man he could be, taking me up to that cold building and leaving me there to learn a lesson. Still, sometimes you begin to feel sympathy for the devil. Does Zayn know he is bad? Or are his actions just on an uncontrollable impulse? Is his lack of empathy because all he's ever known is violence? Maybe i'd never know. What I did know, however, was that I loved him. In the stupidest, most nonsensical way, I had fallen in love with a man who lacked humanity.

And maybe I wasn't the best. I know that. My past has proven that I am selfish- so many things I'd done were beyond evil and even now, i'd never understand why I did them. Perhaps we clicked because I too lacked self control, even if I hated to admit it.

I feel his hand place a loose curl behind my ear, his fingertips brushing against my cheek ever so gently. His intent eyes meet mine and he's got the same question for me.

"What are you thinking about?"

"I wish you could save me," I whisper, my confession painful and my eyes greeted by tears.

Zayn places his hand on my cheek and I hold his wrist. "Why do you say that, angel?"

I unintentionally scoff, shaking his hand off me. "Please, please, don't call me that. I am no angel."

"How can you tell me that? You're my angel, you always have been."

He's visibly upset and even though that hurts me, the tears streaming down my face have taken a mind of their own. What's worse is that my mind is racing, torturing me, with the memories of all the bad things I ever did.

"Zayn, look at yourself. When I met you, you were such a confident, bright man. I've turned you into a paranoid, restless..."

"Stop..." he interjects, "You've done nothing to change me in the bad way you think. Jesus Christ, Ana, I was so empty before you came along. You saved me!"

This sudden burst of pain comes gushing into my chest like a house fire. The apartment is hot, the stuffiness makes everything seem like it's closing in on us.

I used to think I didn't have a conscious, but I was wrong. My mind is heavy and polluted with careless decisions and even more careless actions.

I slam my fist down on the table. "No, don't you get it? I've ruined whatever we could have been. How will we ever be normal? You won't let me out of your sight! I can't function if you... If you're not close. I've ruined your life..."

Zayn takes my hands, "And now you're breaking my heart. Please, if you love me as you say you do, forgive yourself. Lord knows I am no angel either."