"Hey, baby," I hear Zayn's voice all of a sudden and it sends me into a frenzy.

Too many tubes were attached to my arms and hands, it hurt immediately when I started fighting them like restraints and hoping Zayn would hold me, only for a little while. It was useless fighting against them, I was in way too much pain.

I wasn't exactly sure how everything had happened. I remember someone explaining everything to me, but was it all true?

He looked so depressed and guilty, my heart shattered just looking at his face etched in the saddest of expressions. He sat in the chair next to my bed, not kissing me or even holding my hand immediately.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, "the Dr. Matthews told me everything."

I wasn't sure how to feel. It was odd of me to feel the way I did, anyway. My eyes were permanently glossy, just waiting for the smallest trigger to set off the sea of tears that swam in them. At first, I was extremely confused about everything- the miscarriage, why it had happened, timing... but now? It felt like I was trying to block out all the emotions that came with it.

The fact was that Zayn and I were going to have a child. A child I was so reckless about in the beginning, willing to use the baby as a mechanism to make Zayn stay with me. Funny how taking things lightly can end for you.

"It's all my fault," I whispered.

Zayn moved his chair closer to my bed, taking my hand in his carefully. "Don't say that. You didn't know. I promise I'm going to make everything better again, babe. I'm gonna take you home immediately."

I close my eyes briefly, letting a few rebellious tears fall. "Zayn, they said I had to stay..."

"It's fine," he interjects, "I'm gonna get the doctor to let you leave today and we can go home, Ana."

He was talking way too fast. It was almost like the potential silence in the hospital room terrified him, Zayn didn't know what silence between us could bring. He looked pale and his eyes were alert. Everything about him seemed concerned about me, but at this point, it was even hard to tell if that concern was genuine.

It clicked into my head pretty well that he didn't care about me. Yet I couldn't leave. Everything I once was had been destroyed and incinerated, forever abandoned in the past. A past that I regret but now miss, because I was never this dependant on anyone.

"Okay," I simply answer.

"You don't look too happy about going home," Zayn says, I catch the irritation in his voice.

"You don't look too upset about me almost dying and me losing our kid," I say angrily, my mouth suddenly very dry. "You actually seem pretty okay about it."

Zayn immediately looked pissed off, I knew I had made the wrong choice in speaking to him that way. "I seem indifferent? Like you would have ever actually wanted to raise my kid," he laughs sourly, "I don't even know if it was mine."

"You know that the baby was yours, Zayn. I don't know why you always have to say things like that."

He raises a brow. "Yeah, well I don't know why you had to sleep with everyone in the fucking office. Don't fucking say dumb shit to me, you must be forgetting who's in charge here."

In that moment I chose to stay quiet, no matter how bad his words were hurting me. I just chose to not say anything back for the sake of not arguing, I just didn't have the energy to defend myself. At the end of the day, maybe he had a point. Zayn really knew me. He knew how careless and irresponsible I could really be. It hurt that he kept bringing up my past mistakes, but he was right. He was. Who knows who's baby it was, even though based on timeline, it was Zayn's. But what did I even know? I was just a stupid girl who had let too many men touch her, let too many people down.

--

I don't know how Zayn managed to get the Dr. Matthews to let me go home, but he did. Zayn refused to look at me as I changed into warm clothes one of the nurses had gotten for me. I had to be extremely careful not to move too much, the medication they had given me was making me extremely dizzy.

"Did Harry and Liam go home?" I asked Zayn lowly.

"No, they're waiting. And they're coming home with us."

"Why?"

Zayn grabbed my hand forcefully, "I don't know, Ana."

I'm so sure you don't know.

He led me out of my hospital room and out into the lobby, walking way too fast for me to even keep up.

I was grateful that Harry and Liam were coming home with us, I was afraid of being alone with Zayn. After what he said, I felt like I was walking on very thin ice. I just wanted everything between us to be happy again, I just wanted to be his favorite girl all over again. I wanted him to love me as much as I loved him. So maybe I could fix my attitude, I could show him I could be the girl he wants.

"Zayn?" I whispered as we neared the waiting area where Liam and Harry were, "I'm really sorry I said all those things."

He looked at me, a puzzled expression on his face. "You're sorry?"

"Yeah," I answered, "I don't want you to be mad at me, I just want us to be like before. I want to forget this all happened."

Sometimes words hurt when they leave your mouth. How could I forget all of this without hurting myself in the process? I was obsessed with getting even, once upon a time. But now - now all I wanted was for this man to adore me, even if he seemed obsessed with destroying me from the inside out. Was this karma? It could be. I had done enough to deserve this treatment, which is why I, in a fucked up way, accepted it. And I had also convinced myself that he was only like this with me because of my own actions, like I deserved this all because of how bad I was to him.

"I forgive you," he says, kissing my hand. "Everything will be fine once we get back home. I promise."