dedicated to: @zaynmermaid ♥

We lay in bed together, tangled in sheets and each other. With Zayn, all I wanted was the least space between us possible, even if that meant I was always too close to him. I didn't care as long as I was close to him. It was about midnight, but it felt so much earlier.

Despite our long talk, it felt like it came in through one ear and out the other. Nothing he said actually mattered like his presence in my life did. As stupid as I was, I didn't care about what he did. The fact was that I just wanted him, no matter how much bad shit came along with that. He made me feel something no one else in the world ever had - security. I knew he'd look after me and I knew he would never do anything to hurt me.

Him leaving me for a few days did make me uneasy. It would be hard. I didn't want his friend here, I wanted Zayn. Despite my insistence, he was firm in me not going with him, for security reasons. I didn't know what to think of it all. I mean, I knew why he was going, but I didn't exactly know. I had suspicions.

"I'll miss you so much while I'm gone," He whispered against my neck, his chest pressed firmly against mine. "I find it hard to be when I'm not around you."

Tears swam in my eyes, butterflies making loops in my stomach at his words. "Please don't go. It makes me feel like you won't ever come back."

"But I will come back," Zayn says as he places wet kisses on my bare, bruised neck, "you know I will, angel. Maybe while I'm gone, you and Harry can go get your stuff. All of it."

"I have a lot of stuff," I say lowly as he bites down gently on my flesh, "Where will I put it all?"

Zayn lays his head in the crook of my neck, placing my arm around him. I lay my head against the top of his, "You can put it in the other closet, anywhere. Leave it on the floor for all I care, I want to see all your stuff here."

"You know we're crazy? We haven't even been together for 2 months and we're already living together."

He makes me so happy. Being wrapped together like this makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world, knowing that he wants me to be here with him. Everything is so much better when he's with me. It's like heaven.

He chuckles lowly, "We're gonna get married next month, just letting you know."

My eyes widen and I giggle. "You're fucking crazy."

"If getting married is what it takes to keep you here, I'm demented."

I frown. "You feel like I'm going to leave?"

"It's not that," He cuddles closer, "I just feel like you'll think i'm overbearing... controlling. And I am when it comes to you. I just hope you really understand that everything I do is for your own good, even if it might not seem that way."

"I do understand, I do now. I don't want to be without you, so no worries about me going anywhere. What's Harry like?"

His fingertips trace circles on my upper arm. "He can be very serious, so don't take that personally. For the most part, he keeps to himself. Usually takes a while for him to get friendly, but things might be different with you."

"What do you mean?"

Zayn adjusts his head on his pillow instead of my neck to look at me in the eyes. "You make people act differently is all, I mean that in the best way. But I need you to be serious about this, Ana. I don't want you to be too friendly."

At first it doesn't click in my head, then it does. He doesn't want me to sleep with Harry and he thinks that I will. I want to feel offended but I just can't, because I know that I would have tried it just to get back at him for not taking me with.

"You think I'd try something with Harry?"

Zayn frowns. "I didn't say that. I just don't want him getting too close or too attached to you."

"Who says he will?" I reply, genuinely curious.

"I was like him and look at me now, Anastasia."

I feel anger coursing through me, making my head hot. He should know I wouldn't do something like that, but my past actions have given him this impression of me. I guess I can only blame myself, but he should believe me when I tell him that I'm only about him.

Throughout my life I've learned that it's not wise to speak when you're angry, you say a lot of things you eventually do regret. I never do follow life lessons though, maybe that's why I keep getting fucked over.

"Maybe I should fuck Harry, maybe if you know it's a possibility, you won't leave."

Fuck.

In just a second, Zayn's managed to pin me down on the bed, hard. One of his hands is on my neck and the other holds my wrists locked in place.

He is fuming.

"Everything was going so fucking great, Anastasia." He seethes, "You just have to get your comment in there, don't you?" He squeezes tighter and I cry out, weakly.

My face starts to feel really tight and I feel like sobbing out loud, but looking at him like this is so distracting.

He's so attractive. Like an angel.

"You're hurting me," I squeak.

"Tell me you aren't gonna fuck Harry, promise me." He says desperately, "I need you to promise. How can I leave knowing you want some other man? Am I not good enough for you?"

He lets go of my neck and wrists, but gets out of bed immediately as I'm catching my breath, before I can even answer. I feel guilty, because this is my fault. If I wasn't so fixed on getting even and making him hurt like I do, maybe we would still be cuddled up peacefully. It seems that even when things are good, I insist on fucking them up. Maybe because I need negative attention, or maybe because I just like to suffer at the hands of a beautiful man who only wants me to be happy with him.

"Zayn I'm sorry," I cry, crawling out of bed. "I didn't mean what I said, I just wanted to piss you off because I don't want you to go."

He looks at me with those enraged eyes, "Yeah, well you got what you wanted. I'm not going, but I'm not sleeping here with you. I'm too pissed off to even speak to you right now, I'm sleeping in the other room. Stay in here, alright? Go to sleep." He sounds as if he could even cry, "Jesus fucking Christ, I can't even look at you right now, Anastasia."

"I'm sorry, I promise. I promise I'm not going to try anything with anyone, or even speak to anyone if you don't want me to. You're the only person I need, Zayn. Please don't be angry with me, I just want you in here with me, even if you are mad."

He looks hesitant for a second, but he's looking down at the floor instead of my crying face. "I just can't, Ana. You know how I feel when I hear you say shit like that? It breaks my fucking heart, my heart feels broken right now. You keep fucking with me because you think it'll get you what you want, but what has it gotten us?"

Look at me, God damn it.

"I just want your attention, that's all. I don't want you to leave me in here all alone, I don't know what I'll do if I have to be alone in bed without you."

"See, there you go," He shakes his head, "You can't try to manipulate me. I know what you're doing. You had all my attention, all I wanted was to talk and kiss you until you got tired. But now it's like, what a waste of fucking time that talk was. All you care about is the satisfaction of knowing you affect me negatively. You don't actually care about me."

"How can you say that? I care about you, so much. I'm sorry, Zayn. I don't want to argue, I just want you to want me again."

Zayn looks up at me, he gives me one hard look. "Yeah, you're right.. Sorry."

I frown. "Why are you sorry?"

"I shouldn't even bother saying anything, you'll learn on your own if you want to. I believe you, you won't try anything with my friends. It's fine. I'm going to the office, gonna make some calls and get some work done for Friday."

And just like that he walks out and doesn't come back. I hear the door open about an hour or two later, but at first i'm not sure. I get up to check and he is indeed gone. My stomach drops.

Maybe he's gone out for cigarettes, maybe he's out. I know he doesn't like to be out of cigarettes. But when he's gone for a few hours, I begin to panic. Something's happened to him, maybe he's hurt. But where is he? Who is he with at 3 am? Why is he taking this long?

I pace around the apartment enough to burn a little path through the white carpet. My head is pounding.

Where is he?

Everything that's happening right now is my fault and my fault only. I don't know why I am the way that I am. I wish I could be better for him, but he has to know that I'm trying. I just want him to come back and I want to make this all up to him. Zayn didn't deserve that, he doesn't deserve for me to hurt him the way that I do.

What if he's off with some other woman?

He wouldn't do that to me, would he? Then again, I did threaten to sleep with one of his best friends so he wouldn't leave... and he did leave. So what does this mean?

Fuck.

I sit down in his big chair and let the tears I've been afraid to let out run down my cheeks. The apartment is so alone and empty without him here, who knows when he'll be back. He was so mad and upset with me. My heart sinks when I think about his teary eyes. I can't believe I almost made him cry. I could have said so much to avoid this, I could have not said anything like what I did at all. I can taste the words I let die inside my mouth, like a slaughterhouse behind my teeth.