my heart broke writing this. truly.

~

Imprisoned in the confinement of the gang's excelled substitution for a hospital room, both find their lips caked with glue, tongue immobile and heavy against the roof of their mouths as the sentences that had been yearned to be voiced curl and twist around the delicate fabric of the bristling air.

"I've been meaning to talk to you."Jeongguk murmurs, tone so soft and delicate that it seemed as brittle as the wings of newly born butterfly.

Swallowing the lump that settles itself at his throat, Taehyung nods meekly, his own eyes far from the other's frame, gut twisted in a haze of forensic ropes of lead-like material.

The silence is almost unbearable, stifling and heavy on his shoulders, its jaws sodden with the crippling facade of indifference.

"You go first."the blond whispers at last, head bowed to the soft stare over his curled frame, "Please."

Pursing his lips, seemingly disgruntled to spill his own thoughts at the very beginning, the protective shell of reasoning soon to be unveiled as he reluctantly nods.

"Well,"he sighs, swallowing thickly as he swings a knee over another, back pressed comfortably into the seat, "I better begin right from the very start, I suppose."

"Back when I was about four, give or take, I had it all. A decent house, two seemingly stable parents that loved me for who I was. It was all good and I was happy to keep it that way. It was just, really my darn naivety and complete faux idea of the world being some innocent, holy place where everyone loved and were loved, that ruined everything."

He pauses, chest heaving upwards momentarily before any trace of vulnerability slips from his expression, and he continues on once again.

"Couple months later my dad got into an accident, died on the scene. Of course, both of us were distraught but a year of support from quiet mourning, and holding onto each other had us going on again. Even after that, I was still so fucking blind to see that my mum was not okay. To me she was the same, all smiles and laughs, the TV still blared on and on about some stupid roncoms. To think she wasn't okay was almost unreal. She hid it so damn well, Taehyung."

His reasoning for his actions don't matter anymore to the young blond who watches with concern from the other side of the room, heart wrenching at the sight of his fragmented partner.

For the said man was crying.

Gone was the cold man who towered over all, devoid of emotions, from the soulless black caverns of his eyes to the supposedly crisp, charcoal heart at his chest. Gone was the man who feigned stability and contentment with the life he had within his palms.

Gone was titanium border that had edged his very mind and being, concealing him from all.

His lips tug downwards, mouth set into gaping hole of mournful agony, face a bristling red that swells with the bottled thoughts of his past, eager to erupt from its prolonged containment.

"Gukkie."the younger calls softly, his own voice cracking as his arm open wide, "Come here baby."

Stumbling as if he were newborn child, fingers curled as they press harshly at his eyelids the man doesn't wait to permit the younger to envelope him in his familiar embrace, legs intertwined as he falls into the depths of the white sheets that kiss at his exposed arms and the nip at his ankles.

"You don't have to go on, Guk, I can't wait. Just stay here with me for a while."Taehyung promises him gently, slender fingers running through the man's hair, his head at his stomach.

Mumbling, almost incoherently, Jeongguk shakes his head stubbornly, "N-No, gotta tell you. D-Deserve it."

"Alright sweetheart."he says, chest swelling with pain as his gaze flitters towards the male's crimson nose and swollen eyes, "Big breaths for me first, alright. With me, darling c'mon, that's it."

There's a brief silence, thankfully a rather innocent and comforting one that seems to do both of them well, the older of the two breathing shakily as he finds himself replicating the blond's stable breathing, his fingers clutched around the boy's hospital gown and hair tossed lovingly.

"Better?"

Ignoring the pink that abruptly pampers at his cheeks from the soft tone the blond speaks to him with, the raven-haired male hums his consent, a sweet smile playing on his rawly bitten lips.

His eyes flutter close, head nudging back into the warm hand the rubs at his scalp and the fingers that lull away the knots in his hair, a sweet voice, pure as honey encircling the air around him, "When your ready Gukkie."

The horrid, slanted shadows of his past doesn't appear as daunting anymore, not with the ethereal man behind him, holding him close and whispering sweet nothings. They were, merely phantoms of the black abyss of his mind, sheltered between the dusted relics of the past.

"I was about five and a half when I saw it. Came back from kindergarten with a stupid drawing of our favourite animals. I was in such a hurry to show mum, she'd pin it up on a board in the living room when I would show her and tell me how I was her favourite, talented boy."he smiles, chin tilted up to catch the blond's eyes.

Maybe it was rather foolish, childish even but he wished and prayed for the younger to praise him for his past action of successfully scribbling out a portrait of a deformed husky, blue eyes, ragged fur and all, a bright yellow smiley face plastered at the very left corner.

Perhaps it were miracle or simply the sacred bond the two shared that causes Taehyung to giggle sweetly and bop the elder's nose, murmuring lovingly, "My precious baby."

"And so I ran into her room paper in hand, shouting all kind of nonsense when I saw her crying. She was crouched next to the bed, head in hands and just wailing. I-I've never seen someone cry so hard before, it was honestly terrifying and-and I didn't know what to do, I just stood and watched."

Sniffling, he reaches up to swipe at the sudden wetness that seems to build at the slopes of his lashes to find that the younger had already beaten him to the task, the soft texture of tissue dabbing at the sensitive skin of his eyelids.

"You're okay Guk, I've got you."

Smiling, despite the tears that trial down the apples of his cheeks, he continues on, voice cracking as he goes, "I didn't do much, my fucking useful self just sat next to her and held her hand as she cried. Didn't say nothing, just stayed there with her. And she turned around to me and smiled, face swollen and red and thanks me, told me that she loves me so much and I told her I love her too. She looked a bit happier at that, smiling and all but there's just something in her eyes that's so, so sad. It's as if she was broken from the inside out, absolutely tarnished and beyond repair."

"She asked me to stand up and go have a bite of the cookies she made, I didn't ask why just kissed her forehead and got up and did as told. I was at the door when she called out again and I turned around and she's crying again, the smile on her face gone. I want to hug her, promise to her that's it okay but I don't. I was scared, fuck, I was so s-scared. She smiled and says that my drawing was beautiful, just like me. And I should've noticed it by then when she asked me that to hang the drawing up myself, she's never asked me to do that. But I don't, I was so fucking naive Tae, I- "

"Sh, sh. I got you."

And so once again, the two lapse into a gentle silence, the blond rocking the sniffling raven-head within the comfort of his arms, shirt wet against his stomach as he cries. No words are exchanged, for the embrace said it all; that he was there for young mafia leader, and he truly wasn't going to leave.

"I was about halfway down the stairs when I heard the shot. I was terrified Tae, my whole body seemed to go numb and I genuinely couldn't move. I stood there, like a complete fucking useless bitch, before common sense clicked in and I was sprinting, fucking running like I've never ran before. And mum, my God, she killed herself for fucks safe."

Taehyung doesn't realise that he's crying himself till Jeongguk elicits a guttural scream of agonised despair, ripping himself from the other's hold to claw at his scalp.

The man seemed far from humane, tears of utmost pain slanted over the expanse of his crimson cheeks, breathing uneven as he hiccups, fingers wrenching at the locks of his ebony hair.

"Fuck!"he cries, a clump of coal stamped across his palm, nails smeared with the shockingly colour of stark red, "Fuck! I could've done something! Could've stopped her! I-I'm so fucking pathetic, deserved to take her place!"

His body seems to shrivel, knees cascading to the floor with a residing 'thump', palms painted in crimson, hair dishevelled where clumps of rich ink seemed to wither and heave at the floor of white. His chest heaves, struggling to maintain a healthy intake of breath, head bowed to the floor to hinder the sight of his tear-stricken face.

Taehyung can't bare it, lips quivering as he watches the man he loves tear himself apart, crying for all he was worth as he recites the horrid past he had withstood.

"Stop!"the younger shrieks, a sob forcing its way past his lips as the mafia leader digs his nails into his scalp once again, fingers now almost incomprehensible from the amount of blood that coats them, "Stop it!"

Both their wails aren't brushed off lightly, voices thankfully noticed by the group of men who stand a few feet from the room, expression one of concern.

The young boy is on the verge of ripping out the coloured cords that pierce his skin when the familiar figures of their friends barge into the room, arms encircling his waist as he's pulled back into a decent position into the bed.

A blurry silver-haired man is mouthing something incomprehensible to him, palms pressed to his cheeks as they jerk his head away from the scene. Shouting, he squirms and twists, tears obscuring his vision as he struggles to aid the man whom he loved.

"You're going to be okay, both of you, I promise."someone says gently, fingers brushing the sweaty bangs from his forehead.

And then all goes back.

&&&

He's surprised, to say the least, that when he wakes the familiar frame of his partner is pressed against his side, face immersed in the folds of his shirt. The intimate scene doesn't fail to burn rose at his cheeks.

Being fairly dominant in that event had been strange, but not exactly terrible nor did he feel discomfort, in fact it was a rather nice feeling to enclose the other in his arms for once and pose as his defender from the world.

For the man before him was no emotionless robot that was reflective to any torture or pain that was thrown at its feet. Jeongguk was merely a huge teddy bear that was missing some cotton within its cuddly body. And Taehyung would search top and bottom to find the most exotic cotton for him.

His thoughts are momentarily halted as the raven-haired male groans into his shirt, curled fingers reaching up to rub the sleep from his eyes.

"Angel?"he croaks, blinking as he tilts his chin upwards.

Smiling gently down at the other, Taehyung threads his fingers into the male's hair, something that he had found the elder greatly enjoyed. The pads of his fingers twist at his hair soothingly, before abruptly halting at a rather scabby section of skin.

He founded himself unconsciously frowning as his fingers flee gently over the damaged area of his scalp.

"I'm so sorry."Jeongguk voices, a frown at his own lips as he takes sudden interest in the pattern of the gown that encases the blond's slim frame, "I lost control there, must've scared you."

"It's alright, I just didn't want you to get hurt."

The elder's eyes evidently soften at the boy's words, sturdy arms encircling his waist to pull him close, a smile slinging his lips at the squeak he receives. The families gesture of the elder's nose tucked into the crook of his neck has him smiling foolishly, body melting into the other's hold.

"I missed you."Jeongguk confesses, inhaling the younger's scent, lips curling into an adoring smile against the boy's skin, "I really did angel."

Flushing at the nickname, he props his chin upon the male's head, careful to avoid the numerous bandages that stamp themselves over the expanse of his scalp, "Mhm, missed you so much."

And so they stay, tangled within the other's embrace, a love-sick smile playing foolishly on their lips, the thin sheet rudely shoved to the foot of the bed in yearning for immediate contact.

"I guess I should go on."Jeongguk says at last breathily.

Frowning, Taehyung pulls away momentarily to gaze softly at the elder's doubtful pout, "Only if your ready, you just went through-"

"Might as well rip it off like a band-aid, get it done with and you deserve it, we both know you do."

Nibbling on his lower lip, the blond timidly shakes his head, "Your health matters more Gukkie, don't pressure yourself, I can wait."

"I've made you wait long enough."

"Jeongguk-"

Smiling fondly, the elder reaches up to lift a blond lock that hangs over the younger's forehead, shaking his head gently, "I need to get it off my chest baby."

Taehyung returns the smile warily as he finally succumbs to the other's wishes, though his expression is one of doubtful concern as he permits the elder to continue, "If you say so, stop when it gets too much okay?"

"Of course."Jeongguk consoles, fingers intertwining the others as he smiles adoringly up at him, "Well mum's and dad's marriage wasn't accepted by both their families. Dad's side wanted a woman who came from a high family and would eventually help their company to rise up to be one of the royals. While Mum's side's just didn't accept him for who he was, thought the guy was some cocky man-whore who would break her heart. So after they did get married and went against both of their families, all the ties were cut and I found myself with no family to go to after both my parents died. I didn't know any of my dad's friends, not after he died and mum never mentioned any of hers, the reason for that I would figure out later on."

"The police weren't no help either, sure they chipped in for the funeral and cleaned up all the mess. I got sent to live with neighbours who weren't the nicest people you'll meet, all fake smiles for the policemen with their sympathetic looks and all. Second everything was signed and checked over with, my naive ass was thrown out into the streets with the hiss of an extra mouth to feed and really, a waste of space. So off I went, nearly six to go survive in the big, black world absolutely clueless. I was lucky, really to go a couple days without getting picked on, just doing my own thing in on a pretty busy street just sitting there. No one really cared, not even a glance in my pathetic direction. At first I was lost, so confused as what to do and how to survive so I spent a day or two just thinking, figuring out how to get around. And then, as if it couldn't get any worse, someone finally noticed me."

Pausing, as if to catch his breath from the flood of reciting that he was still yet to finish, Jeongguk blinks rapidly to disperse the tears that build at his lashes.

"Wasn't anyone good, no sweet lady who would kindly keep me under her wing. No, I ended up with a drunk, buff guy who was absolutely covered in tattoos sneering down at my shivering form with all his crooked gold teeth and that evil glint his eyes.
I was smart enough to know that the dude wasn't exactly in the right mind, sober or drunk, I wasn't going to willingly follow him home. Too bad, that I didn't get to chose what was going to happen. So in the dead of the night, where only a couple of druggies still lurked around, the man dragged my screaming, crying self into the back of his van."

Taehyung can only imagine the amount of torment the young boy would've had to face, the memory of his mother's suicide still fresh in his mind and the raw agony of loss still residing in whatever was left of his chipping heart.

"And well, surprise surprise, the guy who I found to be called Marcus happened to be the leader of the gang we have today. Took me in as a kid, trained me brutally although he called it just a few hits to 'man me up'." he scoffs, charcoal eyes darkening as he adds, "It's why I have all those scars over my back."

"Oh Gukkie."the blond gasps, eyes bright with concern as he cups the elder's cheeks tenderly, "You're so brave."

Taehyung doesn't miss the way the other's cheek burn a dark crimson, lips tugging upwards as he ducks his head into the blond's stomach to hinder the younger's vision of his burning cheeks.

Giggling, the melancholy atmosphere is abruptly dispersed, Jeongguk lifting his still rather cherry face to beam up at the laughing boy, signature bunny smile on show.

"Oh hush."the elder whines despite the grin on his lips, long fingers dipping beneath the boy's gown to nip playfully at his hip.

The action only results in Taehyung's further amusement, head thrown back as his lips stretch into a wide, box-like smile, eyes twinkling as he gaze flits towards the flustered boy below.

It appeared as if the whole world seemed to cease whenever the elder was in the presence of the young boy who had he grown to love. The weight of the title of the leader of Korea's infamous gang seemed to burn and wither to dust, the papers that were awaiting his confirmation doors away joined too and so did the solitariness that ate at his mind when the sun dipped past the tinted glass of the overhead skyscrapers, a flash of honey gold tittering past the black abyss of his chest.

Such light was what Taehyung was to him. A paradise, an oasis where the monster, the shadows couldn't reach him, couldn't touch him.

He isn't thinking, doesn't need to think when he smiles with complete and utter adoration, confessing breathlessly, "God, I love you."

Jeongguk doesn't think that he'll ever get tired of the way the boy's full cheeks dust over in a pretty pink hue, pouty lips curled back to tuck themselves behind his pearly whites to restrain the shy smile that teases at the tips of his pillowy skin.

"I love you too,"he responds, the sweet smile on his lips twisting as his gaze shifts away, "but.."

Dismissing the ache that pinches at his chest, Jeongguk nods in understanding, squeezing their intertwined fingers, "I know baby, gotta explain myself."

He doesn't miss the way the younger casts his gaze to the sheets guiltily, lip caught between his teeth as bows his head.

Frowning at the other's glum expression, the raven-haired male is quick to encase the boy's face within his hands, eyes locked as he reassures him, "Hey, hey, don't feel bad angel, if I were you I would've slapped my ass to Pluto."

Momentarily savouring the memory of the younger's tinkling giggle, he throws the boy yet another fond smile before continuing on.

"Back then finding friends weren't that easy. It's either you got one that'll sell their life for you or nobody at all. Training was where most of us got together, in fact it's where Yugyeom, Jieun and I just clicked. Guess our fair share of shitty backgrounds were what really held us together, helped us to build become the better us through that bond I guess. Yugyeom was my best friend, man in combat and go to call when I felt bummed out. Jieun was another one of my close friends, known for her talent in pick-pocketing and seduction."

Taehyung ignores the pinch his chest at the loving smile that strings at the elder's lips, his fingers coming to a halt upon the other's hair.

"'Course it wasn't a huge shock when people went down, but when Yugyeom, the guy who aced every defence class we took got hit I was shocked. He'd been my little brother, the guy I'd binge Iron Man with, the guy I'd have stupid fights over for the last damn bowl of Doritos, God I'd buy him all the toasted corn in the world to have him back. I-I watched him bleed to death in my arms, still smiling and joking up at me."

Jeongguk manages to maintain a stable smile, one that doesn't fool his knowing partner for his eyes are truly doleful, slathered with the mournful emotion of grief.

"I guess after he died, Jieun and I were closer than ever. It was only then did I start to notice what she truly was to me. Just little things, from the way she smiled, to the way she laughed and then in the end,
I found myself in love."

If it weren't for that fact that Jeongguk himself was before him, Taehyung wouldn't hesitate to burst into petty tears, lips pressed tightly against his teeth to smother the trembling frown that aches at them.

"It didn't last of course, about a year through and I just didn't feel a spark anymore. It was only then did I realise that I was never actually in love with the woman. She was the first to confess, begging me to accept and since my best friend had already left me I guess I didn't want to be completely alone and forced myself to replicate her feelings. Jieun was heartbroken, left the gang for a while and well now she's back."

Humming, the frown that the blond had so desperately striven to conceal, unconsciously exposes itself for all it were worth, heavy and downcast on his lips as he diverts his gaze from the man who stares up at him.

To be truthful, the news of Jieun having a romantic relationship with the raven-haired male, whether it be in the past and never replicated or not, was not deeming well with the already rather delicate blond.

"D-Do you,"he prods carefully, mind casting a haze of chains and locks upon his heart, "perhaps...and I understand if you don't, I wouldn't be surprised and it doesn't really matter, I would understand - "

He's cut short by an amused laugh from the elder, calloused hands reaching up to cup his cheek tenderly as his head is gently tilted to face the other.

"Angel, you're rambling."

Whining, Taehyung squirms in the other's hold, cheeks a dark rouge as he struggles to hinder the man's vision of his burning face. Choosing to ignore the other's laughter at his obvious distress, the blond decides to question the elder as rashly as possible, in hope of saving prolonged heartache.

He awaits till the mafia leader had ceased himself from the numerous giggles that had shifted involuntarily from his lips, any trace of amusement slipping from his expression as faces the elder.

"Do you still love her?"

~

welp this was a long one, majority Guk's explanation really so hopefully you didn't get bored. it's Christmas Eve where I am, so in advance I wish you all a extraordinary, merry, merry Christmas!