Chamber Of Reflection - Mac DeMarco

THEA'S POV:

I stayed in my room for the next few days. I didn't go to the charity shop, I didn't talk to Mama. I just sat on my bed and watched my bruises turn from purple to gold, expensive reminders of what had happened and what I'd done. The one on my wrist wouldn't leave, however. It remained like a tattoo on my skin, refusing to leave no matter how much ice I massaged on it. A clawing emptiness reached from inside me and seemed to feed off the pain I felt when I dared to touch the mark.

I didn't realise but it had started snowing last night. Wisps of ice had tumbled down delicately in the dark and rolled along the arms of our great tree through my window, painting the world a beautiful white. It had been a long time since it snowed. I'd always looked forward to snow in the Christmas holidays but it rarely came in Mospe. My fingers would always itch to sculpt the ice and craft it into snowballs, snow angels, snow bunnies.

I didn't feel like playing in the snow today though.

Instead, I sat cocooned in a blanket on my bed, an artbook resting against my thighs as I sketched the outside. The tree was the object of my desire today. Chewing on my pencil, I watched the lines loop and stretch far as if they were travellers journeying within the borders of my page. I mindlessly sketched out the pinecones, the bristles, the never-ending tree trunk.

But to my horror, I found that I'd drawn something else instead.

A pair of cold, familiar eyes.

Billowing winds, bullets of snow and thick cotton clouds: none would do justice to Synn's eyes.

My fingers tightened around the pencil to the point where I thought it would snap if I held it any harder. The rough pencil marks weren't exact, nor the overall image, but his essence had somehow been clearly transcribed into the paper until I could see the rest of his face being constructed around those eyes. His cheekbones. His soft, plump lips. The dark silk of his hair. Even the beautiful tattoos crawling up his neck.

Why did he keep creeping into my mind? Why?

Instinctively, I lowered my pencil to the page to scribble it out but I stopped before it could touch the page.

I gnawed on my lower lip. Synn hadn't once attempted to call me again and in a way, I was grateful because it only would have made it that much harder if he'd stepped into my life again. But the bigger part of me wished that he had called, that he had tried, and that maybe, just maybe, he had succeeded. However, that was nothing but my wistful imagination; reality was much crueller.

I stared at the drawing in my sketchbook. Slowly, I traced the edges while being careful not to smudge them. Perhaps this would be the last thing I could remember him by: a pair of graphite eyes.

Suddenly, my phone was ringing.

I snatched it up and looked at the name in a leap of hope, only to find my manager's number on the screen. Swallowing the disappointment, I answered.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Thea, how are you? We haven't seen you in a few days."

"I'm fine, I just wasn't feeling well," I said with a tight smile even though I knew she couldn't see it.

"I hope you're feeling better then," Andrea replied and I heard some noise from the charity shop in the background. "I was just going to ask, and don't feel obligated to say yes, but do you think you could come in for a short shift today? From one till three?"

"Oh, yeah, I-I think that's fine!"

"Are you sure? I don't want you to come in if you're still ill."

"No, that's okay! I'm all better now, don't worry. I can be there."

She finished up with a few more questions and details to put herself at ease and then we said our goodbyes. I put my phone down on the bed beside me. In reality, I hadn't mentally prepared myself to work at the charity shop today but I couldn't just leave Andrea when she needed me. That would be too impolite.

Forcing myself up from the bed, I changed out of my shalwar kameez into a collared sweatshirt and some jeans before heading into the bathroom where I then curled my eyelashes, put some concealer under my eyes and finished off with lip gloss. I internally cringed at my reflection in the mirror. The state of my hair wasn't the best so I swiftly tied it up into a bun and left a few strands to frame my face.

As I tread down the stairs, I paused once I saw who was in the kitchen.

Nervously, I swallowed. My heart fell into my stomach as I neared the counter to pick up an apple from the fruit basket, trying to stop my fingers from trembling recklessly. We said nothing as I stepped over beside her and turned on the tap to rinse the apple. Her lips remained tight as she spread butter on her bagel. The tension was as palpable as a cement block, crushing us on either side as we stood next to each other: two mirror images, mother and daughter, yet detached, divided.

Holding my breath, I turned and made my way to the front porch, but was stopped by the voice behind me.

"Thea, can you come here? I want to talk to you about something."

I grew still.

I tentatively turned and found Mama already heading into the living room. Against my better judgement, I followed and my eyes flickered rapidly around the room in wonder if this was a trap, if she'd suddenly turn to me with her hand raised and-

"Sit down."

I watched her sit on the opposite sofa first and gripped the apple tightly before lowering into the seat. I didn't want to talk to her. I didn't want to see the expression on her face. Mama shifted on the sofa, her brown eyes searching for mine but I couldn't give her what she wanted. Terror still resonated deep within my bones like a fracture.

"I talked to Papa," she said. I twisted the stem of the apple apprehensively. "We decided that we're not going punish you any more. I think what you received was enough."

There was an uneasy quiet.

"Okay," I whispered and swallowed the lump in my throat.

"Are you going to the charity shop?"

"Yeah."

"Okay... you already know what I'm going to say, don't you?"

"I won't talk to any boys unless I have to. And I won't go anywhere with them." Just like you want.

A small part of me desperately wished for an apology to break through her lips and remedy my heart but as we sat in silence, I couldn't fathom a reality where that would happen. Mama feeling guilt? Mama experiencing regret after laying her hand on her child? It wasn't possible. I smiled weakly inside at my longing and extinguished the idea just as quickly as it came, knowing it would only be more painful the longer I prayed.

I didn't realise but my eyes had started to brim with tears, blurring my vision into nothing but a world of watercolour. When I blinked, a tear trickled down my nose and I brushed it away. I could feel my mother's perpetual gaze on me and I could tell she wanted to say something but I didn't want to ask. Hurt was devouring me.

"I... didn't want to do that, Thea. There was no part of me which enjoyed that," she told me softly and my eyes darted away to look at the television screen. "I was just scared for you. I thought... what if something bad happened? What if he tried to do something to you?"

"But you didn't have to hit me," I whimpered. Another warm tear fell past my cheeks.

"What else did you want me to do? Sit and have a tea party?" she abruptly snapped. I flinched at the sharp whip of her voice. "Did you want me to congratulate you instead?"

No, I thought. We could have sat. We could have talked. You could have yelled and I'd have taken it, but you didn't have to make my heart bleed.

I shook my head bitterly as more tears dripped. "You didn't have to hit me, Mama."

She stayed quiet for a moment, then sighed. "Thea, what else was I supposed to do? What other way was there to discipline you? Do you know how angry I was? Even thinking about it now makes me so mad." Closing my eyes, my shoulders gently shook as I bowed my head. Her words only compounded the ache in my chest. "I had to teach you a lesson, baby. I don't ever want you to do something like that again.

"Do you know what people would say if they found out what you did?"

People. Why did Mama care what people thought? Why didn't she care what I thought? Why, why, why did she care about those on the streets, our neighbours, our family back in Pakistan, but not... me?

For the first time in days, I looked at my mother. I looked at her familiar features taking their perfect shape, the streaks of bronze and sunlight in her hair, the sharp point of her nose - the accusation in her eyes. And for the first time in a long time, I saw imperfections. They were craters, craters and blemishes upon her moonly face. Anger distorted the most beautiful until I almost didn't recognise her, but so did the fear in her gaze. We sat like reflections, both just as fearful of each other.

"I'm sorry, Mama," I said as my voice broke. "I-I won't scare you like that again."

Her eyes turned glassy like something out of a cartoon, her lips growing downturned and trembling. Attempting to blink the tears away, she couldn't.

"Come here, baby," she gestured.

On quivering feet, I stood up and stepped towards the other settee. As soon as I'd touched the surface, she was wrapping her arms around me and melding me into her. I was stiff, unmoving, but as she held me, every part of me weakened. She resembled a flower emitting a sweet, narcotising scent which had me lowering my defences, crumbling in her arms.

"My baby. My beautiful baby."

I cried softly into her and inhaled her, felt her. I wanted to stay angry at her and refuse to speak again but as she stroked my back, all thoughts were swept out of my head and I was grasping her like a lifeline; because she was.

Mothers' hearts were veterans - bludgeoned, bleeding, brutalised by the weapons that were their own children. But no matter how much we hurt them, no matter how much our words pierced them, they'd still pick up the same weapon and use it again. Love it again. Trust it again.

"I'm sorry," I sobbed as my shoulders shook. "I-I didn't want to hurt you."

Mama's tears fell in silence, merely soothing me with her soft fingertips and flowery scent. "I love you so much, Thea, you know that? Everything, everything I do is for you, is to keep you safe. I just want to protect you."

I nodded my head. I believed her. I believed her.

For what felt like hours, we held each other and listened to each other's hearts, and I didn't know when but at some point my head ended up in her lap. I couldn't remember the last time I'd been in this position, with such warmth beneath me and such love seeping into my every fibre. Languorously, her fingers threaded through my hair and massaged my scalp. My tears had stained her clothes and left dark splotches behind, and I found myself staring at them.

Mama was right. I was going to forget about Synn. I was going to put things back the way they were, when things were perfect. As long as I could stay like this, safe and sound in her lap, I would do anything-

Reality splashed upon me like ice cold water.

I shot up straight and turned to Mama. "What is it?" she asked.

"I was supposed to go to the charity shop!"

With renewed resolve, I grabbed my hairband and tied my hair up again while looking for my apple. It must have rolled somewhere because now I couldn't find it. Mama watched me with a light laugh as I lay down on the carpet to look under the sofa, then went and checked behind the cushions and did a whole gymnast performance in front of her in search of the lost fruit. Huffing, I placed my hands on my hips.

"Go on, don't waste time. But make sure to get some food on your way there or after volunteering, okay?" she ordered with stern, loving eyes. "Promise me."

"I promise," I grumbled.

She kissed me on the cheek and ushered me to the door where she sent me off with a light shove. I slipped my arms through my backpack and immediately shivered as snowflakes caught onto my lashes and melted on my nose. My urge to play in the snow was rekindled within an instant but I didn't have time to stand about and dawdle, nor gather a handful and stuff it into my mouth. Attempting to avoid the icy parts of the pavement, I started running with one thought in mind:

I would stay loyal to Mama.

I ran down the hill with the words on my breath.

Right past the train station.

Almost breaking my ankle on some ice outside the Jubilee centre.

Then to the main street.

I was panting when I reached the familiar heart symbol on the charity shop window. I really needed to work on my stamina.

Struggling to collect myself, I opened the door and stepped inside. Warmth returned to my fingertips like an old friend. Thankfully, I was only twenty minutes late. I sighed and stuffed my hat into my pocket before wiping my shoes, remembering to kick the snow off the edges. There were quite a few customers today. Everyone seemed to be seeking new additions to their closets after the unexpected white visitor last night, with most of the gloves and hats now absent from the displays.

I couldn't help the smile that took over my lips once I laid eyes on Judith. Nonchalantly, she stood by the handbags chatting with another old lady, a well known friend of hers, whilst leaving the counter unattended. Wiping my flushed lips, I paced up to them both.

"Hi, Judith," I greeted warmly.

"Oh, hello dear!" She patted me firmly on the shoulder and looked me up and down. "Feeling any better? I heard you were quite poorly."

"I'm doing much better now, thank you," I said with another smile.

She glanced at the clock. "Chop, chop! It was supposed to be my break a while ago!"

"Sorry, sorry!"

I sidled past both Judith and her friend to rush into the backroom, giving my hasty greetings to Andrea, then slipped off my coat and pulled on my lanyard.

When I stepped back onto the shop floor, Judith was no longer conversing with the other woman, instead gingerly sipping her tea at the counter. Practically skipping over to her, I smiled as she made space for me to squeeze inside, and let out a small sigh of content.

"You sure you're feeling alright to serve at the till today? I don't want you spreading any germs to the customers or I'm afraid I might have to throw you out," she grinned and I giggled in response, bouncing on the balls of my feet. I was going to stop moping around about some silly man I had only known for a day or two. I was going to set my life straight again, without any interference from those of the opposite sex. And I was going to enjoy these rare, peaceful moments that I had with the people I loved before it all fell south again.

Well, that was what I thought.

"Oh, that reminds me," started Judith. I looked to her in curiosity. "That young-young man, what was his name? He's been coming here every day and asking for you at the till. I keep sending him away but he doesn't seem to leave us alone. I would say it's rather sweet of him but he has this expression... I don't even know how to describe. It's been worrying me quite a bit... huh, Thea, you've gone so pale!"

There was nothing but ringing, ringing in my head.

I wasn't focusing.

I was hardly breathing.

He had been coming here, looking for me?

The sound of the bell at the door caught my attention. I didn't know why because it was never anything special, but when I met eyes with the man entering the shop, I felt my world stand still.

Speak of the devil and he shall appear.

Light from the window trickled in and illuminated the hard, chiselled features of the man as he moved with agonising slowness towards the counter. It made my hair stand on end, seeing those ice blue eyes again, and all I wanted to do was crouch behind the counter and curl into a ball. Perhaps then I'd be able to avoid my problems, but it didn't help that my problems came in the form of a deadly attractive man who was closing in on me with every second.

Judith had left at the most unfortunate time to speak with a customer and at the fact that I was all alone now, I could feel my knees start to quiver.

Synn's hair was more tousled than the last time I saw him. The tie hanging from his neck was loosened, like it had been suffocating him and he had frustratedly pulled until on the verge of tearing the fabric. All I could do was stare like a loony as he placed his hands on the counter in front of me with a jaw so tense I thought he'd crack something. There was silence in the clamorous charity shop as he stared me down.

"H-Hi, how may I hel-help you?" I squeaked, shrinking into my shoulders. As soon as those words left my lips, my fingers dug painfully into the palms of my hands and I swallowed.

He nodded and rolled his tongue along the inside of his cheek, almost as if expecting me to say something so silly.

His burning eyes looked into mine.

"We need to talk."

*****

Read 5+ chapters ahead on Patreon: patreon.com/Fudgecakexox

Hey fudglings!

AHHHHH THIS IS AN ENTIRELY NEW CHAPTER SO I'M SCARED BUT EXCITED AT THE SAME TIME and omg I absolutely love the next chapter so I'm excited to post that soon too

So what did you guys think? Not every chapter can have lots of Synn content sadly :( but I really wanted to portray Thea and Mama's relationship in a different way. To see the layers of manipulation but also entwined with messy love. Sometimes the concept of abuse isn't as black and white as some may think, because a person may hang onto the good moments and try not to think about the suffering. And Mama's intentions may be well founded but her actions certainly aren't ._.

Back to the fun stuff, I WENT OUT WITH MY BEST FRIEND TODAY WHO I HAVEN'T SEEN IN A YEAR AND I MISSED HER SO MUCHHHHH we had so much to talk about and we went to our old school high street for the nostalgia and went to the old cafe we'd always go to during sixth form and it was so nice 🥺 I also had some BUSSIN chicken wings that I really missed and we took cute pictures and I just love her so much even though we divorced because she cheated on me 😾 marriage tings

Potato question of the day: would you rather live in the city or the countryside?

Countryside 100%. I mean ideally I'd like a mix of both but where I currently live is more of a small town that has a lot of green spaces on the outskirts of London, and for me that's perfect :< the city life is too hustly and bustly for me and I need forests and parks to survive. Of course there's plenty to do in a city but I love how peaceful and quiet the countryside can be (as long as it's not too far from towns)

Anyway, thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed the chapter! If you did, please do vote, comment and share this book with your friends! I love you guys!

- Fudge x