Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve. They all pass uneventfully. Taura's little brother assaults me with glares, but he is ten, and they mean nothing. 

The ride home is long, but my heart leaps at the thought of reuniting with my two best friends, the people who know me better than anyone else in the entirety of Panem, each in their own special way. 

When I step off the platform and into the place I will likely stay for the rest of my life, the crowd isn't nearly as big as it was when I first returned. 

The mayor greets me with a smile and a hug, pulling away quickly, her movements stiff, as if forced. 

Coira's hand lands on my shoulder from behind me, subtly pointing my vision to a camera hidden amongst seemingly-ancient architecture. I fix my gaze on it with a big smile and a wave, something I know the Capitol will like. 

Oh look, there's the Victor, returning home after her victory tour, happy with her life and proud of her accomplishments! 

Nothing could be farther from the truth, but the majority of the Capitol doesn't know that, and I'm not going to be the one to tell them. 

A familiar head of blond hair waits for me at the bottom of the steps, and my smile becomes real as I fight to be graceful as I step towards him and his wide-open arms. 

"See, it was fine, wasn't it?" Aeolus murmurs into my ear, and I nod my head against his shoulder, unable to bring words to the lie. 

I decide I won't tell him about Tupelo's brother, my potential assassin, because I know how completely stupid that idea is, and I wouldn't want to burden him with the worry. 

Altalune steals me away, and although she has nothing to secretly whisper into my ear, I think that I could probably tell her. She would have advice, and she would keep my secret. 

I have never been the type of person with issues in trusting, so maybe I'm wrong. Maybe Altalune is reporting all of my secrets back to her parents, to the father with a grudge against me and the mother with a heart full of pity. 

But that doesn't seem very likely, so I decide not to entertain the prospect and give her a smile, too, as I gently pull away. 

The mayor drives me back home, to the place where Shan waits, guarding a man I don't recognize anymore. 

I wonder what it would feel like to get my own house, to truly free myself from the shackles of my father, of daughterhood and its obligations. 

But I can't. I just can't. 

***

Aeolus is my first visitor, and I assume he couldn't contain his questions and drove over here right after I left. He knocks on the door and I stand up to get it, unsurprised. 

"So, how was it?" he asks, hands clasped together in an emotion that seems almost like excitement. I suppress my frown, because even if the Capitol I never really thought he had in him is coming out right now, who can really blame him?

Curiosity is human, and who wouldn't be curious about this once-in-a-lifetime experience only a few people get--with the low low price of the lives of twenty-three innocent children and lifelong trauma, buy now!

I give him a fake smile, just as I did earlier. "Okay, I guess. It was just... weird."

He nods, expression sombering. I think he can probably read me better than anyone else I know, which, to be fair, is not a very large pool. 

We take our places on the couch, and I turn, sitting criss-cross and facing him, hands fidgeting in my lap as I often do when I get nervous, or sometimes even when I am not. 

"It's hard," I say after a pause, because although he does not understand and there is nothing I can say to make him understand, I can certainly try. "I mean, just... standing up there, on the stage, looking down into the eyes of this young girl and thinking, 'I killed your brother.' And I mean, there wasn't any of them that I killed with my own hands except for Lua, but..." I shiver, "...it still feels the same. And it's worse 'cause I was her. When Salacia died, I was standing on that podium, staring at my sister's murderer and wondering why he was staring back."

I can't meet Aeolus's eyes. They are too blue, too green, too breathtaking, too reminiscent of Apollo. 

Another one I killed. Another child that is dead because of me all because of me and what can I do about it? Absolutely nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. 

A hand on my knee jolts me back into reality, and I look up, staring at his nose instead of those eyes. 

"Look," he says, "I'm not going to pretend I know how you're feeling right now, because I don't. I didn't have to go on the tour. I didn't even have to represent Apollo's family on one of those podiums. But I will just say... I'm here for you, okay? You need to vent, scream, whatever, it's all okay with me."

A slight smile on his lips, a faint circular motion rubbed into my knee with his thumb. I don't look up. I can't. 

But I force a small nod, so that he knows of my acceptance, my gratitude, however unspoken it may be. 

"It does feel good to have someone to talk to," I say, after a very long pause. "I mean, I've got Altalune, but you know her, of course. You know how she is." 

I stare at his chin, watching it bob up and down in agreement. "She can be harsh."

I hesitate. "I have a question."

"Why did you become friends with me? I know why you and Altalune came here the first time, but you can't've kept returning just because you wanted to know more about Apollo. I barely knew him, and I bet you've watched every single one of our interactions in the Games."

There is a long moment where we both say something, but then, finally, Aeolus speaks. "Apollo liked you. I mean, not like-liked you, uhm, obviously, I mean I can't really speak for my brother, but..." he looks away and clears his throat, obviously flustered, "...but he saved you for a reason. I kinda doubt he would've shot down Orion and Vulcan if Terra had been the one they were about to kill. And I don't really know Altalune's motives, but I wanted to know why. You know, see what's so amazing about you that drew his attention."

His hand finds mine, resting gently in my lap, his wrist a small weight against my ankles. "And I think I can see it now."

 A shiver runs through my body at the mention of Terra, the name that I never really expected to hear on the lips of Aeolus. We haven't spoken about her, and I seriously doubt we ever will. 

I push down the emotion, focusing instead on his words, on the small smile beginning to form on my face. 

"Do I want to know what it is?" My words are teasing, almost a challenge, and when I glance up, meeting his gaze for the first time in too long, he is smiling, too. 

"See, I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you," he jokes, and my smile grows. 

This is why I like Aeolus. Not because he is one of the first people to take notice to me, not because he listens when I talk, but because of this. 

This moment right now, I will treasure for the rest of my life. I want to hang it on the wall of a safe with three-feet-deep walls of concrete and steel, to lock it up in a place nowhere will ever find it again. 

And yet the moment passes, as all moments eventually do. After quite some time Aeolus leaves, off to do the important things his father always wants him to be doing, and I am left home alone, sulking with the absence of his presence. 

There is a knock on the door, but when I check it is not Aeolus, nor is it Altalune. It is the peacekeepers, come to take me away yet again, to satisfy the needs of some perverted Capitol billionaire. 

I go with them, because what other choice do I have?