SHE'S so mad she can't even cry.

So he did all of that...all of that...to get her in bed. Again.

Akala niya hindi siya gano'n. Baka nga hindi and this is just her emotions talking.

But just when he proved that he could have her any way he wants her, he leaves.

Siguro wala siyang masyadong pride, pero alam ni Maureen when she's not wanted anymore. She was thrown away already by a man she loved with all her—with all her, so what's one more?

Ito siguro nakukuha niya for hoping.

Kuya Inggo deserves love, pero mayro'n talagang mga tao who don't want it no matter how desperately and genuinely you give it to them.

It's clear he doesn't want hers.

Maureen can't blame him. She won't. Kasalanan niya 'to.

Alam kong uto-uto ako, alam ko na marupok, tao lang din naman kasi ako, kanta ng angel sadly in her head.

May nararamdaman din ako, 'di kasi manhid na tulad mo, alam kong sanay bumitaw ang isang tulad mo, lalayo na ba ako? tuloy niya pa, feel na feel.

OO, PUTANGINA! 'DI NIYA TAYO DESERVE! sigaw ng demonyo. Ngayon lang nagalit, ngayon lang wala sa side ni Kuya Inggo.

So, ayun nga ang ginawa niya.

Maureen doesn't text him. She goes to school with a smile, listening to lectures, taking down notes, like her scalp and neck doesn't hurt, like her skin isn't littered with his bites and marks, like she can't feel him anymore between her legs.

Ilang weeks siyang gano'n. Hindi niya nakita si Kuya Inggo anywhere, at hindi niya rin hinanap.

Hindi rin siya hinanap.

Pag-uwi niya, Maureen kicks off her shoes, tosses her bag on the couch, and marches to her room.

Angrily, she tells Canton, Dangler, Karli, and Piglet, "Divorced na kami ng tatay n'yo, bawal n'yo siyang i-miss. Walang magmi-miss sa kanya, okay? Bawal."

Then she closes the door, strips off her clothes, and takes a shower.

Dito...dito siya maglalabas ng galit niya kasi 'di nya nafe-feel ang tears niya.

Normal ba sex muna bago label? Hindi. Tanga-tanga kasi 'tong si Maureen.

'Wag mong isipin na may kasama siyang iba, sabi ng demonyo niya. Wow, turning over a new leaf na ba 'to? Wala na sa Inggo de Paz fanclub? Oo, meron, pero 'wag mo na lang isipin.

Gagi, ang galing natin pumikit porke't pogi yung red flag, 'no? sabi ng angel.

Bakit lalaki lagi sumasabit sa jeep? tanong pabalik ng demonyo. E ang bilis nila bumitaw. Pero isang hi lang from Kuya Inggo, i-resched na natin self-love natin, Mau.

Mag-flag ceremony ang mga marurupok at tanga, sabi ng angel with a sigh. Tapos leader ka, Mau.

Meeting na lang. Shoutout sa mga pampalipas-oras.

Napasigaw na lang si Maureen when there are loud knocks on the door. "Mau!" sigaw ng boses ni Kuya Migo. "Nalulunod ka na ba diyan? Ang tagal mo!"

Iniiyakan ko best friend mo, sandale lang! gusto niya isigaw, pero ang sabi na lang niya is, "Ito na, I'm done! Why didn't you text me na you were coming?!"

"I did!" sigaw ni Kuya Migo, his voice moving away from the door. "Baka isda ka na diyan, kanina ka pa, e!"

Maureen rolls her sore eyes and gets out of the shower, pero she's also happy her kuya visited. Ang busy niya talaga with acads and Ate Jiya at naiintindihan naman ni Maureen 'yon, pero maghahanap at maghahanap talaga si Kuya Migo ng oras para sa kanya.

Ayun nga lang, nakalimutan niya damit niya sa kwarto niya.

Maureen wraps her towel around her body after spraying on her deodorant and opens the door, stepping into the living room. "Kuya, gusto mo mag-dinner—"

Kuya Inggo is sitting on her couch. Staring at her. Kitang-kita ni Maureen ang galaw ng Adam's apple niya sa lunok niya.

He looks—dare she say it—tortured.

Guilty.

"Hi, Rinn."

O, reschedule na natin self-love.

"Putangina, Maureen!" sigaw ni Kuya Migo angrily, shoving a pillow on Kuya Inggo's face and tackling him down. "Putangina, lumalabas ka ba palagi naka-twalya nang may ibang gago?!"

"Malay ko bang nandito siya?!" Maureen cries, running to her room. "'Di ka naman nagsabi!"

"Ti-ne-xt ko, putangina!"

"Magdadala ba ako ng cellphone sa banyo, Kuya?! Stop yelling!" she screeches, slamming the sliding door closed.

Actually, wala namang issue kasi nahawakan, nahalikan, napasukan na ni Kuya Inggo ang mga pwede niyang itago, pero 'di alam ni Kuya Migo 'yon.

"'Di ako makahinga, gago!" sigaw ni Kuya Inggo.

"Hi, Rinn?!" ulit ni Kuya Migo sa labas, tapos hinampas-hampas niya kaibigan niya with the pillow. "'Di mo pa tinakpan mata mo muna, hinayupak ka?!"

"Wala naman akong tiningnan, bobo, babastusin ko ba si Rinn nang gano'n?!"

Oo.

Hinayaan ni Maureen yung dalawa magsigawan 'tsaka magmurahan habang nagbibihis siya, trying to keep her pounding heart under control. She pulls on a huge hoodie and gym shorts.

"Divorced," paalala niya sa sarili niya 'tsaka sa apat nilang anak. "Hindi tayo marupok, hindi tayo marupok, hindi tayo marupok..."

She gathered herself together, like she didn't just cry over him, and opens the door.

Pero wala na si Kuya Inggo.

Maureen tries to ignore the sting. "Where's Kuya Inggo?"

"May class, sumama lang para tulungan ako sa groceries. Nag-order ako ng Tetsuo," he says, tipping his chin up to the bags on the table and restocking her refrigerator with the contents of the plastic bags set on the floor. "Dinner na 'ko dito. Binilhan kita ng tubig, ice cream, donuts, kape, tissue rolls, 'tsaka battery sa alarm clock mo."

Sa dami ng nilalagay niya sa ref, mas marami pa ro'n binili niya. May mga snacks, fruits, juice, 'tsaka chocolates pa na gusto niya.

"Kuya, you didn't have to," sabi ni Maureen, frowning, feeling her stupid, stupid eyes tear up. "I was going to do a grocery run."

"Ang tagal naman ng grocery run na 'yan," sabi niya nonchalantly, na parang 'di 'to malaking bawas sa allowance niya. "Wala nang laman ref mo. May kailangan ka pa ba? Pwede pa 'ko bumalik mamaya pagkatapos kong ihatid si Valle."

"Wala na," she mutters, turning around so he doesn't see her face and heading to the table. "Thanks, Kuya. Aren't you busy with acads?"

"Hindi." He sits down in front of her, accepting the chopsticks she hands to him. "Kamusta classes mo? How's the shoes?"

She grins. Yung suot na niyang shoes sa school is yung birthday gift ni Kuya Migo sa kanya na matagal na niyang pinag-iipunan. Kuya Migo surprised her with them.

He stays for another hour. It's been a while since they shared a meal together, so this is nice.

While Kuya Migo slurps his noodles, Maureen stares at him, biting her lip.

"Ano? Na-realize mo na ba mas mukha kang unggoy sa 'tin?" sabi niya, reaching for a napkin.

Maureen swallows. And then decides to just blurt it out. "Kuya...pa'no mo alam na si Ate Jiya na?"

A few days ago, nag-celebrate na sila ng second anniversary nila. Kuya Migo gave her a necklace of his first name until he can give her his last.

Maureen nearly cried no'ng nagpatulong si Kuya Migo na i-prepare 'yon months ago. Ang cheesy and romantic niya, nakakainis.

"Sandali," sabi ng kuya niya. "Kinikilig ako."

O, 'di ba. "My God."

"Ayun. Do'n ko alam, Mau. Kinikilig ako sa pangalan niya pa lang." Kuya Migo puts his face in his hands, grinning stupidly.

Namumula siya all the way to his ears!

"Alam kong siya na kasi...feeling ko mamamatay ako 'pag may isang segundong 'di ko siya minahal," sabi niya, swallowing thickly. "Alam kong siya na kasi sinasabi kong mahal ko siya kahit 'di niya naririnig—'pag naka-earphones siya, 'pag kakapatay niya pa lang ng tawag, 'pag kakaalis pa lang niya, 'pag tulog siya, 'pag tinitingnan niya ako, 'pag magkaaway kami, 'pag galit siya, 'pag nakangiti siya. And if she didn't love me," Kuya Migo whispers, looking down at the table, "I would've begged for crumbs."

Oh.

Ate Jiya's so lucky.

She's loved and worshipped by the best man in the world.

"She's good to you, to Meg, to Mama," tuloy niya. "To me. 'Tsaka...ewan." He puts his face in his hands again, natatawa. "Ah, puso ko. There's no fucking way I'd allow her not to love me. Or me not to love her. I'd marry her right now. Shit. Tangina, putangina."

"Kuya, umiiyak ka ba?!"

After clearing the dishes, Kuya Migo puts on the batteries for her alarm clock in her room, and Maureen winces when he sits down on her bed. Nagpalit naman siya ng bedsheets and covers after...after the whole sexcapade a few weeks ago, pero ayaw niya pa ring nakikitang nakaupo si Kuya Migo sa kung sa'n nangyari ang makasalanan niyang ginawa with his best friend.

On the way out, he smiles at a message he receives from Ate Jiya, and then hurriedly puts on his shoes. Maureen rolls her eyes, but she watches him fondly from the doorway. He's so happy with Ate Jiya. "Mau, tawagan mo 'ko 'pag may kailangan ka. Kahit anong oras, okay? Kung masama pakiramdam mo o basta wala lang, kahit ano."

"Yes, Kuya."

"Kumain ka nang marami, 'wag kang mags-skip ng breakfast. Pinag-slice kita ng apple kanina pang-breakfast mo, nasa Tupperware, kainin mo 'yon."

"Yes, Kuya." She pushes him out the door. "Thank you, 'di ako mags-skip ng breakfast, sige na."

He pulls out his wallet. "O, ito, 'di masyadong marami pero baka kailangan mo pa ng pera 'pag lumalabas ka with your friends—"

"Kuya naman, e!" Maureen slaps it away and shoves it back down in his pocket. "Ano ba, kanina ka pa!" She wipes her eyes hurriedly and pushes him again. "Umalis ka na, hinihintay ka ni Ate."

"Gaga, umiiyak ka ba? Ikaw naman ngayon?"

"Kuyaaa!"

Tawang-tawa si Kuya Migo na hinila siya to a tight hug, swaying their bodies. Maureen buries her face in his chest and hugs him tighter, feeling the vibrations of his laugh. "Nakakainis ka!"

"Meron ka ba?" sabi ni Kuya Migo, tumatawa pa rin.

No, kailangan lang kita, Kuya, sabi niya sa isip niya. She sniffles. And I'm so glad you're here and you came and ate dinner with me.

He strokes her back and sighs. "Mau, sorry. I should've visited sooner. Sumama loob ko no'ng nakita kong walang laman ref mo."

Maureen cries harder and sobs, "Kumakain naman ako nang maayos! 'Wag kang mag-worry!"

"Okay, okay!" Her kuya laughs and presses a kiss on her temple, and then moves back, swiping her tear away from her cheek. "Sige na, 'wag mo na 'kong ihatid sa baba."

"Text me when you're at Burgundy na," Maureen tells him. "Ingat sa driving! Say hi to Ate Jiya for me!"

Kuya Migo sends a thumbs-up over his head and a wave, and then he's gone.

The love he was talking about...Maureen wants that.

Oh, how she wants that.

But what she wants more is Kuya Inggo giving it to her.

It's so nice to dream about it kahit na hindi mangyayari.

She's already lying in bed when she gets a text from him to open her door. He's outside.

Maureen stands up and opens the door.

Kuya Inggo smiles weakly at her. His hair is a mess. "Hi, Rinn."

"Hi." She leans against the wall. "Ano 'yon? May nakalimutan ka ba kanina?"

He blinks, smile slowly fading. "You're not gonna let me in?"

Maureen answers calmly, "No, I actually want you to leave. That's what you're good at."

Kuya Inggo winces. His face actually distorts into pain, and his fingers ball themselves into fists by his sides. "Rinn, I'm...shit. I'm sorry."

"It's fine." Maureen smiles at him and it hurts her face and her heart and her whole body. "I was delusional enough to think you would stay when you never did for anyone else."

"You're not anyone else," Kuya Inggo whispers, shaking his head, and he takes a step forward like he wants to touch her, but his hand stops mid-air because he's not sure if he should. Or is allowed to.

He's not.

If he touches her again and leaves her again, wala na talagang respeto si Maureen sa sarili niya and it would be pathetic.

"Oh, you made me feel like it, pero you're right. I'm Kuya Migo's sister, and here you are, apologizing again for touching me. At least you cleaned me up yourself this time." She sucks in a deep breath and looks up at the ceiling, willing herself not to cry. "Fake news ka talaga. Hindi ka heartbreaker? Ilang beses mo nang ginawa sa 'kin, 'nyeta. Kakaiyak ko lang sa 'yo sa shower habang nasa couch ka."

"Rinn," Kuya Inggo gets through his teeth, his jaw hardening. "Rinn, I—I don't want to break your heart. It's never what I wanted. I didn't mean to hurt you. I was going to stay. I was."

Pero hindi niya ginawa. "I believe you."

His Adam's apple moves. "Really?"

"Oo. Mahal kita, e."

He stills.

"Kahit hindi tayo nag-usap o nagkita for weeks," Maureen says, staring at him. "Even though we didn't just have sex. Pinag-isipan ko 'to, Inggo. Pinag-isipan ko kung bakit ka umalis. Mahal kita para lang sa katawan mo, gano'n? Because you gave me so many orgasms? Because you're great in bed?" She gives him a hard shove to his chest, feeling her eyes and throat burn. "Gano'n kababa tingin mo sa 'kin, e 'no. Pero sinabi ko 'yon because you were holding me and we were laughing and I was happy in your arms, not just or only because of your body. We could've been watching a movie. We could've been eating ice cream. We could've been, I don't know, playing fucking Monopoly, and I still would've said it, kasi you were there, holding me, kasi hinabol mo 'ko, hinabol mo 'ko, and I meant it! I loved you even before I offered you my body, even before you lent yours to me! Intindi mo?"

Kuya Inggo stands there like a statue, she's not even sure he's breathing.

"I won't beg you to love me," sabi ni Maureen. "Like how I begged you to take my body. Pero leave me alone so I can find someone else na sigurado sa 'kin. 'Yong hindi ako magdadasal na sana he stays the night kasi I know he will." She smiles weakly at him. "Let's go back to before, Kuya Inggo, when I was just Kuya's little sister and you never gave me a second glance. It would be easier for the both of us."

Then she closes the door in his face.