They say that a person falls in love three times in a lifetime. The first love which they called the puppy love. The fairy tale-like romance we have imagined. And I believe I have gone through that in college, dreamily fallen in love with someone.

Then comes the intense love, this is where you came in. The most painful heartbreak. The love that turned my world upside down completely shattered. Because if you weren't it, it would have been easy to forget you, to get over you. But it has been more than a year since we broke up and I am still stuck with the feelings you left.

All this time, I thought I had fixed my heart back together but I never realized that a broken heart has gaps that need to be filled. I saw my old self when we broke up resurfacing. She was lifeless, torn, and wrecked.

I know that we have decided to move forward with our lives separately. I've been in a relationship with someone for quite some time now. And recently, I heard that you have finally healed and moved on with someone else as well.

I honestly would want to be happy for you. But I felt my heart breaking at the news of it. Only then did I realize that I haven't fully healed yet. What makes matters worse is knowing that the girl you're with is one of the girls you told me not to worry about when we were together, that she is just a friend as you repeatedly tell me before.

I know that my chapter with you has ended, it is time for me to let you start over without our painful memories. But my heart only recognizes pain when I'm reminded of you. What if's flooded my thoughts which eventually turned to regrets.

I've regretted not seeing you when you were in the country a year ago. It was because I know myself. I knew that I would eat the words I said that I could do things independently without you and that it was for the best that we broke up. My mind kept saying to stop because we were only hurting each other. But I knew that I would come running back to you the moment I saw you.

But our love back then was seemingly destructive and toxic. Our insecurities and needs clashing with one another. We were molding ourselves to be the partner the other desires, losing both of ourselves in the process. You and I are both a step towards reaching that last chance of love, unconditional love.

I hope you know that I may not love you as much as I loved you before but I am longing for the day that I could see you again personally. To acknowledge and finally be at peace with the past.

June 7, 2023 | AEO