if only i know
what after-death feels like,
then i won't be staring at the ceiling
dreaming about peace.

i would not hesitate
to pull the trigger,
drown on amphetamines,
and severe a major vein.

the thing is
i am not afraid of death.
i am afraid of what lies
beyond it.

if only i knew
then i would not hesitate.
for my life is hell-incarnated
and everyday is hell-staged.