Tyler had never ridden on a bus without his parents before. Frankly, he'd never really gone anywhere without one of his parents. He felt like a lost child as he followed Josh up the steps and to a seat near the back. Even though they had to walk in single file, Josh still let him hold his hand, and Tyler relaxed slightly. He wasn't alone. He was with Josh.

"You're alone," Nico said behind him. "None of us are real, remember?"

Tyler's grip tightened on Josh's hand. Josh is real. Josh is real. Josh squeezed reassuringly, as if he knew something was bothering him.

Josh picked a seat, and Tyler sat by the window, still clinging to his hand. He didn't say anything, choosing instead to stare out the window and watch the streets pass by.

"Something's bothering you," Josh said after a few minutes of silence.

"It's nothing," Tyler muttered.

Josh squeezed his hand again, rubbing his thumb over his knuckles. "Just let me know if you need to tell me anything."

"Okay."

He knew he had to tell him about Clancy and Nico sometime, he just wasn't sure he'd ever find the courage to do so. But Josh had told Tyler his secrets. He'd told him about his abusive father and his parents' divorce, and trusted him enough to sleep in his bed and run away with him. But those were fairly average secrets. They weren't secrets that would put him in a mental hospital.

Tyler shifted and held Josh's hand with both hands, brushing his thumb across his skin as if reassuring himself he was really there. He felt so real. Then again, so did Clancy and Nico. How could they be so tangible when they were merely figments of his imagination? He wished Josh would have let him introduce him to his parents. At least then he'd know for sure if he was real or not.

"Josh, there's something I need to tell you," he whispered.

"What is it?" Josh turned to face him, his coffee eyes glinting in the sun. Tyler noticed a rim of dark hazel green around the edges. Hazel coffee. Christmas hazel coffee.

"I...I can't tell you yet." Tyler dropped his eyes. "I'll tell you when we're alone."

"I don't think we're going to be alone for a while," Josh said, leaning his head back on the seat with a sigh.

"I'd tell you now," Tyler said, though he knew he was lying, "but I'm afraid of what everyone else will think. I'm afraid because...because I care what you think. About me. About...this." He started to release Josh's hand, but for some reason, Josh held on. "I'm sorry, I'll just...I'll tell you when we stop to sleep."

"Okay," Josh said.

"Where are we stopping?"

"I was thinking we could head to Cincinnati. It's a big city, so no one will notice a couple of stray kids. Then maybe we can get a train ticket and go to Chicago or something."

"Cincinnati?" Tyler blinked in surprise, his throat closing up. "That's two hours away from here."

"Five by bus," Josh said softly.

"How...how do you know which buses to take? What if we get lost?"

"Now you're sounding just like Clancy," Nico muttered from the seat behind them.

"I've been planning this for months." Josh winced slightly as if he was embarrassed. "We'll probably get there around five, then we'll have an hour to find the station before it gets dark. We can grab something to eat and figure out where to go after that. We can sleep in the train station or buy tickets and sleep on the train."

"That's so far away," Tyler mumbled.

"I'll be by your side the whole time," Josh said. "Promise."

"So will I," Nico said.

...

It started to snow lightly again as they waited for their transfer. They sat on the bench alone, still holding hands, and watched the snow fall. It was almost December, and Tyler realized with a jolt that his birthday was in a few days. He didn't feel seventeen. Most of the time, he didn't even feel thirteen. He felt like a young child who needed his mother's constant attention, and he hated it. The cuts on his stomach burned in the cold, and he winced as he shivered. The pocket knife felt like ice in his pocket.

"Josh?" he said, staring at the ground and bouncing his knee.

"Yeah?"

"Do you ever get the urge to...to hurt yourself?"

Josh was quiet for a minute. He let go of Tyler's hand and folded his hands in his lap. "How'd you know?" he asked softly.

His answer took Tyler by surprise. "Wait, you mean...you've - you've..."

"I don't like to talk about it," Josh mumbled.

"Is that why you let me keep the knife?" Tyler asked, almost scared of the answer. Josh just nodded and kept his eyes down, too. Neither of them had the courage to look the other in the eye. "I'm sorry," Tyler said, and the scabs over his stomach suddenly itched like ants running across his skin.

"Believe me, I am, too." Josh sighed and rubbed his wrist absentmindedly. Tyler had no doubt that he'd see the scars if he rolled his jacket sleeve up. "It was a stupid thing to do. And Dad was pissed."

"My mom was just really sad," Tyler said. "And scared. Really scared. And...I'm scared, too." He glanced at Nico, who was too busy staring at Clancy like a creep to notice.

"Can I have another Aspirin?" Josh asked suddenly. "I put them in your bag."

"Sure." Tyler shifted and rested his backpack on his lap to look through it. The pills were in the front pocket, and as he pulled them out, he noticed his orange bottle of anxiety medication. He slowly took it out, completely confused, and turned it over in his hand. It was definitely his. What was it doing here? He'd left it at home on purpose. He turned to look at Josh, frowning. "Did you put this in here?"

Josh blushed. "It had your name on it, so I figured it was important."

"Throw it," Nico said without looking at him. "Dump it in the trash for some homeless junkie to find."

"What is it?" Josh asked quietly.

Tyler hesitated to tell him. He didn't want him to think he was more messed up than he already did. "It's...it's for anxiety and - and depression," he muttered, stuffing it back in his bag in frustration.

"Oh," Josh said, relaxing slightly. "I used to take something like that."

"You did?" Tyler looked at him directly for the first time since they'd sat down. "You don't - you don't think I'm messed up or something?"

Josh shook his head and smiled sadly. "Not at all. Even if you were, I'm pretty messed up, too."

"Did they help you?"

"Yeah. They helped a ton. And then..." He dropped his eyes again and slumped over just a little. "Then Dad wouldn't refill them, and kept saying that it was all in my head."

"Of course it's in your head. Your brain doesn't work," Tyler protested. "That's stupid."

"That's what you're telling yourself, though, isn't it?" Josh glanced at him before resuming staring at the ground. "That's why you didn't want to take them with you. You just...didn't believe you needed them."

"No," Tyler lied, but then cringed as the guilt stabbed at his heart. "Yeah. I thought they were stupid. But they helped you, right, so they can help me."

"I told you, Tyler, you let him manipulate you so easily," Nico said.

"That's not manipulative, that's kindness," Clancy muttered.

Nico stood up abruptly, and Clancy scrambled behind the bench, grabbing Tyler's shoulders as if that would protect him. "Come on," Nico said. "I just wanted to stretch."

"Don't touch me," Clancy ordered through gritted teeth. His fingers dug painfully into Tyler's shoulders, and he cringed.

Their bus pulled up, squealing to a stop in front of them, and Josh stood up. "Come on," he said, taking Tyler's hand again. "This is our last transfer, and then we'll be at the train station, and we can go anywhere we want."

Something about Josh's quiet enthusiasm made Tyler smile, and he let himself squeeze Josh's hand in agreement. But then Clancy squeezed Tyler's shoulders, and then Nico pinched Clancy's butt, and he shrieked and collided with Tyler, who in turn, tripped and nearly knocked Josh over.

"Sorry," he said quickly.

Josh just laughed, and the bumblebees in Tyler's chest swarmed with the buzzing tingle of pride.