I knew this wouldn't be easy, but I never anticipated Loan would stoop so low or that he hated me so much. His cruelty left me pondering what I'd done to him. 

Was it just my status? The fact that I didn't deserve all that I had? Did he not realize that I had very little?

 I don't know what makes my situation so desirable. Loan had the grades and the ability; he had always been at the top of the class. I know he worked hard, but I never surpassed him. 

Lost in my musings, I'm blinded by the light of a rabid flame. My assigned instructor, Penelope, enjoys her favorite pastime: surprise attacks. Loan had assured me I'd get all the training he felt I needed; with my schooling, it should have been nothing, yet I felt mismatched with my sadistic instructor.

 The fireball flies towards me, a tiny sun hurling in my direction at an ungodly speed. I sling my hand, projecting a shield of water just in time. The steam singes my arms, and I stagger backward. "Damn it! I said time out!" I snap. 

"Don't forget the ice!" She giggles; I inhale sharply as the ice cracks on cue, shuddering under my feet from the heat exposure. 

I exhale downward, frost leaving my lips, sending the energy into my feet. The ice shivers and forms back together, but not before sticking my feet to its surface. My boots must've gotten wet when the ice cracked.

 "Duck!"

 What?  

Another blazing orb flies towards me, and I fall backward, flat on the ice. The tree line explodes on the other side of the frozen lake. The ice groans in protest, and I quickly refreeze it.

 "Get up! Here I come!" She sounds so pleased. 

I hear the surface sizzling and cracking beneath the blaze of her footsteps. I sit up quickly and grab my ankles, turning the ice to water so I can stagger to my feet. 

"Come on, Nicolas. Defend yourself!" Her hands are blazing. 

The ice fogs beneath her, and I project my hand towards her, sending ice shards flying, which she quickly evaporates with a wave of her firey hands. 

"Think!" She commands and spins her hands. A whirling circular blade of flames forms, and she casts it in my direction. The roar of the flames was deafening, blocking out all else like a freight train.

It bites into the ice, sending shards spraying as it saws in my direction. I jump out of the way quickly, fighting to stay on my feet with the increasingly slick surface. A solomonari only learned through intense stress, but she took that term literally. 

"Enough!" I snap and sling my arms outward.

The lake opens below her, and she screams in surprise as she drops into the water. I clasp my hands together. The water wraps around her in a circle, exposing only her head. It starts to steam, and I quickly twist my hands.

Ice forms around the water ball.

 When I drop her on the lake's ice shelf, the water ball shivers but doesn't break. Even though I've surrounded her in water to douse her flames, the ice keeps it there. 

"Not bad." She allows, her teeth chattering. "For a rookie." She exhales steam from her open mouth, a puff of smoke that does little to penetrate my ice ball.

 I smirk, earning a look of renewed disdain from my victim.  

"Water beats fire." I remind her, approaching once I feel safe. "I can reform it as fast as you can melt it. You're on ice, sister. You're not burning your way out of that." 

Penelope struggles for a moment longer, yet I can see her lips turning blue. Her pale yellow eyes shimmer like sparks, flickering in her irises.  "Alright. Alright. I give in. Let me out."

 I open my hand, and the water releases, dropping her in a sopping puddle of petite woman and drenched clothes. Wrapping her arms firmly around herself, she snaps her fingers hurriedly yet fails to produce a spark. This impresses her, but I refuse to acknowledge how that sends a thrill through me. I did very little to impress anyone outside of my bedroom service in school. 

"Pretty neat trick. Where did you learn that?" 

"Dragons." I allow. 

"Pull this water off me, asshole." She stands, rubbing her soaked sleeves.

 I raise a brow at her expectant gesture towards her person, she wasn't fond of me as much as I wasn't pleased with her. Aiding her when she so violently attacked me in the name of training didn't quite feel fair.

 "Oh, come on. It's water. Just take it back. Loan does it all the time. Just don't take my blood with it."

 I stiffen. Her blood? 

My mind drifts to Sota, where the threat I'd made echoes. I hadn't considered the threat an actual possibility until now. 

Penelope snaps her fingers to gain my attention like one might to a dog or a child.

"Hello. Nic. Hypothermia here. Take a deep breath; take it back. Call it to your hand."

 My schooling had done so little with my element; I struggled to comprehend such a simple task as I stretched my fingers and cupped my palm. The dragons were too intelligent to arm us with something that could easily defeat them. The water element was the only way to return a dragon to its realm. Teaching us to control it would have been a death sentence. 

 Penelope seems to think the Solomonari's true power lies in their ability to control water. I think about the water coming to my hand. Her skin ripples as it seems to consider my request. It leaves her body like a human-shaped film, but I lose it, and it drenches her with an audible splash. 

She scowls as if trying to decide if I'd made the mistake on purpose. My expression falters, and I almost giggle, covering my mouth with my hand as I bite my lower lip. 

"Idiot!" She snaps, casting boiling droplets at me like hot coals with a flick of her fingers. The anger must be warming her back up; I wouldn't get too many more failed attempts before she'd assault me again. "Come on. Focus. I don't wish to drown." 

"It's harder than it looks! I told you, I haven't worked with my element." I concentrate and focus; the human-shaped film returns to the air and then sucks into my hand to form a ball. Her clothes are all but dry, save for the few floating droplets that had entirely decided where they'd like to go. 

Intrigued as it splats, I drop the water ball on the frozen lake, watching the droplets scatter in frozen marbles. 

Penelope examines her clothes. "They're still a bit damp, but not bad. You took the cold with it. Good job." She throws a fireball at my feet, and I leap back. 

"Hey!" I snapped, horrified by the attempt, grateful that my robes were safely back at my castle. It seemed to be a trend among these heathens to watch me lift them from the damp as if I wore a skirt. 

"That's for drowning me. What kind of Solomonari are you? Loan was right, you know. You truly didn't study, did you?"

 Her accusing tone makes me grimace, wounding me more than I cared to tell her. A person like her couldn't fathom what I'd endured. If her only reference was Loan, I imagined the view of the school was skewed by valor and glory, fights to the death, and immense pain and struggle. But my tale was different from the norm. 

My time at school was spent trying to survive; survival was the only thing I was good at. Nobody was rooting for me; no soul thought I'd make it, and I allowed myself to believe them. 

"I have daddy issues." I sigh. It was easier to deflect than to reason why my methods were so unsavory. "I'm trying now. So, you think we can defeat the elves with water?" 

Penelope shrugs. 

It's not that she thinks that, exactly. She explains that the weather could work to our advantage. By controlling water, we can make it rain or hail. We can freeze them in their tracks, darken the sky, and stop their hearts.

 I remind her that killing people with magic is how my father became evil. Solomonari were created from those who could become one with nature. They were supposed to travel as humble monks who remedied natural disasters for their people. While it didn't feel as though that applied to me, I couldn't help but think that using the power for destruction was not the intention of the gift.

 Penelope quickly reminds me that killing people for a worthy cause is justifiable. I can't get away from that fact because I don't want to hurt anyone, not anymore; my anger for this life has ebbed and been replaced with the insatiable need for justice. 

 I have doubts about her plans of grandeur for my abilities; my hopes would be placed heavily on our lycan partnership. Solomonari wouldn't have been allowed to die out if they had been so powerful; relying on me to save us would be a fatal flaw. 

There were so few left, even fewer once the schooling was complete; a fear that crept into my mind in the darkness of these lonely nights was that someone would feel it necessary to capture me for their political gain. 

My ability could starve enemies or prosper their crops, if we were so capable, I can't see the reason for our disappearance. My father never would have given me up if we were so dangerous; I would have been weaponized and treasured- not discarded. 

 Penelope must capture my look of disbelief, sensing my self-doubt. For the first time, those golden eyes soften as she searches my face. 

"Nicolas, your father sent you away because he feared you. If he had taught you the way he taught your brothers, you would have easily surpassed him. Solomonari are forwarded to the school because they could destroy the planet unchecked. 

Can you imagine if you become powerful enough to drain the oceans? To withhold the rains? You could have whatever you wanted. The school is a cull for your kind- to stop the ones who can't control themselves from getting into the hands of those who wish to abuse the power. 

But your humble monk lifestyle makes you peacekeepers. You're practically incorruptible by the time you leave that school. Well, most of you." She wrinkles her nose, obviously cueing in on my less-than-stellar track record of using my body for personal gain. 

It's the last straw; my fists clench as I will the black streak on my record to strike itself clean. I'm more than my mistakes; the amount of men who forced themselves on me couldn't define me when I was their only hope. 

"I know Loan has told you shitty things about me, but maybe develop your own opinion? If you haven't noticed, he sucks too. You can't cast judgment when you weren't there to suffer the consequences."

 I storm off the ice, heading back towards the pack because I'm hungry, tired, and sick of being judged for something she knew nothing about. I hadn't done those things for pleasure; to have sex with a dragon posing as a man was an experience I would give anything to forget. Their nails had marked me beyond recognition; my body had been tormented beyond what it could handle, pieced back together, and broken again. 

I had been given no mercy, for a young sheltered man to endure such trauma, it was unfair to place the blame entirely on my shoulders. 

 Penelope ran alongside me and opened her mouth to apologize, but I glared at her. I'd cried enough; I wouldn't cry again over something like this. I'd heard it all before; it had just grown tiresome to relive it again. 

"Don't bother. Haven't you ever done something that you regret? That you'd take back if you could? I did what I had to do to survive."

 Her expression softened, and I will her not to pity me. Disgust I could handle, but pity made me realize exactly how fucked up the situation was, and that was something I couldn't stomach.  

I can't stay furious for my own sake. 

She touches my arm, causing me to jerk away from her. It's easy to let people believe that I'm a brat; it's challenging to allow them to see that I can't stand to be touched, that every glance is evaluated for its sexual nature, and I can't even bear to be seen without my shirt on. I was consumed by shame when I was alone; being a brat was the only way to protect myself in the light. 

"I wanted to get into the school, but I couldn't. Fire 'n all. I know it's not easy." 

Somehow, I don't think she nearly understands my plight. 

"I lived an easy life; my parents didn't prepare me for school. They didn't tell me my friends would die, eaten alive by dragons, maimed, tortured until their abilities came out. They didn't tell me that I would be- that I wouldn't survive. I couldn't; I wasn't like the others. I was failing horribly. 

Every test was more complex than the last; I only had one thing to give, which cost me much more than my life." My hand trails to my torso; I flinch and wrap my arms around myself. "Favors in exchange for favors wasn't the best way to learn, but it kept me alive. It taught me how far I was willing to go and how desperate men could be—a valuable lesson in it's own right." 

It'd kept me alive again with Alpha. I wasn't sure how long I'd have made it if I wasn't already proficient in sexual transactions. Somehow, I struggled to see if he would have spared me if I hadn't been willing to serve him sexually.

The whole experience felt like a dream now. What we had was hard to define. How much of it had I fabricated to protect my fragile subconscious? Who could love a creature like me? Much as he killed my family, my father damned them to a life of servitude. 

He had been a slave to my people. 

We were poison for each other.

I don't delve into my damaged body. My fractured soul. I don't tell her that they would come into my room and do whatever they wanted to me, that I could just lay there and bite my lip until it bled to keep from alerting the others. 

I suffered in silence while others shunned my existence and made claims that my favoritism came from my bloodline. 

I got no favoritism; I paid dearly for every accomplishment. I remember hoping that each test would be my last, that it would just end here, and I wouldn't have to choose between taking my own life or doing one more 'favor' to survive the next day. 

Sighing, I crush it all down with my 'daddy issues.' It was easier to distance myself than to let those around me see the ugly parts. People were unreliable; he was dead, just like everyone else who meant anything to me. 

I could have been stronger, tried harder, studied more. My parents wouldn't be dead, or better yet... perhaps I could have saved him.

Penelope is quiet for once. I glance at her and see her misty eyes, only to realize a tear has slid down my cheek.

She rubs my shoulder, and I'm grateful she doesn't hug me.

 "That shouldn't define you. I know that... I've been letting Loan's opinion of you cloud my judgment. I'm sorry. You're a crappy Solomonari, but I don't think you're a bad person. We can work on the Solomonari part." She offers me a small smile. 

"Thanks? I think." I offer a half-hearted laugh, but I'm emotionally drained. "Let's go eat. I'm starving and don't want to think about this anymore. Can we practice more tonight?" 

She nods, which brings a small smile to my tired expression. 

One day, I will address all that, but not today.