YORI

"Are you sure you're going to be okay? You might see her around the campus." 

My brows furrowed, looking back at Jap. We were at the mall, and he was helping me buy new clothes for the next semester. He said I should try dressing differently this semester because my heart just got broken. Hindi ko alam ang koneksyon noon. 

 He also said I had never spent my money on myself since I started earning. Well, first, that was an exaggeration. I would spend my money on essential things. Second, I was saving money for our future... Well, I used to. Hindi na ngayon. That future became impossible to happen. 

"Who? Estella?" I casually asked while looking through the racks. 

"Who else?" Binatukan niya ako kaya sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. 

"I told you... I don't have feelings for her anymore. It's fine," I assured him. 

"I don't trust you anymore. Hindi ko alam kung maniniwala ba ako sa mga sinasabi mo."

I was telling him the truth. I couldn't feel anything anymore. Hearing her name didn't have any effect on me anymore... kaya masasabi kong wala na talaga. Before, my heart would beat so fast just by hearing her name or just by merely thinking of her. Ngayon, wala na lahat ng 'yon. Ang tagal ko na rin kasi siyang hindi nakikita. 

And I was hurt a lot. Maybe the pain helped me move on fast because my heart was already begging me to forget those feelings. I just got tired of it. I loved Estella a lot. I was crazy for her. I never loved anyone as much as I loved her. I even thought I couldn't live without her by my side. Hindi naman pala. Kaya ko naman pala. 

Surprisingly, though, noong nagsimula na ang sem, I never saw her again on campus. Maybe because I was also busy competing internationally. Pagkatapos ng klase ko, deretso kaagad ako sa training. Minsan lang ako makikitang naglalakad-lakad sa campus. 

That just made it easier for me to move on. Still, I was nervous. Paano kapag nagbago lahat kapag nakita ko siya ulit? I don't even trust myself anymore. Estella makes me weak. 

"Yori, single ka naman, 'di ba? Pinapatanong ng blockmate ko. Are you looking for a girlfriend?" tanong ng teammate ko habang naghihintay kami ng boarding. 

"Yeah, I'm single, but I'm not looking for a girlfriend." I gave him a small smile.

"Bakit? Wala bang hihigit kay Estella?" pang-aasar ng isa kong teammate.

My smile faded, and I remembered everything that had happened in the relationship. "No... It's not like that." 

My last relationship scarred me. Natatakot na ulit akong pumasok sa relasyon. 

I always gave my all in everything, even in relationships. Natatakot akong maubos ulit. Wala akong tinira sa sarili ko noong nagmahal ako kaya noong naghiwalay kami, pakiramdam ko kinuha lahat sa 'kin. I was miserable. I thought I would never be able to get up again and fix myself. 

A lot of people had already tried to introduce me to other women, but I just didn't want to enter another relationship again. I would always decline blind dates, o kahit anong reto. I just focused on my competition. I was leaving anyway. I already promised my Mom that I would start living in Japan after graduation. Nauna na rin ang kapatid ko roon. Naiwan na lang ako para tapusin ang program ko. 

"Yori! May nagpapabigay!" 

Napakunot ang noo ko nang abutan ako ni Coach ng paper bag. My followers would sometimes give me gifts, so it wasn't a big deal anymore. The paper bag contained food. May nakadikit na card doon kaya tiningnan ko. Na-curious din ang teammates ko at lahat sila ay nakibasa sa nakalagay sa card.

Good luck, babe. Love you xx 

Lahat sila ay nagkantyawan at inalog-alog ang balikat ko, nang-aasar. No... Hindi ko sila pinansin. There was something weird there. Sino'ng magpapadala nito? I never received anything like this. Binaliktad ko ang card habang nagkakagulo sila roon. I immediately rolled my eyes when I saw what was written at the back.

'kunwari na lang wala ka kasing jowa eh kawawa ka naman - jap' 

Nilapag ko na lang ang lunchbox doon sa gilid at umupo na ulit sa couch para mag-concentrate. Gago talaga 'yon. 

December. Finals week kaya naka-halt lahat ng competitions ko. Kailangan naming mag-focus sa exams kaya balik na ulit ako sa library. I would always go there to study. I liked the ambiance. Tahimik lang. Kapag nasa dorm kasi ako, inaantok ako sa pagod, tapos nandoon pa dormmate kong si Jero kaya hindi ako nakakapag-focus minsan. 

Puno lahat ng study spaces kaya umakyat ako sa second floor. I saw the long tables with individual study spaces. May mga bakante pa kaya roon ako umupo. Mas okay 'yon kasi may harang 'yong desks para iwas distraction sa mga katabi. Pagkaupo ko, sinuot ko kaagad ang earphones ko at nag-aral na. 

While I was studying, the woman beside me suddenly slid a paper on my desk. Napatingin ako sa kanya pero tumayo na siya at nagmamadaling umalis. It was her number. Napabuntong-hininga ako at tumayo para habulin siya. 

"Excuse me," I said. Napalingon kaagad siya sa akin, nanlalaki ang mga mata. She suddenly looked hopeful. "You left this." I returned the paper to her. 

"Oh..." Her smile faded. "It was for you..." nahihiyang sabi niya. 

"Sorry. I'm returning it so you won't have to wait for a call... because I'm not interested. I'm sorry." I bowed out of respect before returning to my desk to continue studying.

I was already studying for three hours straight when I felt something on my foot. Tumingin ako sa baba at nakita ko ang eyedrop. Mukhang nahulog ng nasa tapat ko kaya pinulot ko at tumayo para i-abot sa kanya.

My hand stopped midway when I saw who was in front of me. 

Estella Nataleigh Martinez... after six months of not seeing each other. 

Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko. I was waiting for some reaction from my heart while looking at her. I knew I was trying to suppress something. It was probably not love. I was just surprised to see her again, which is why my heart skipped a beat. Right. It was probably nothing. 

"Thank you," sabi niya. 

I just gave her a small smile before taking my seat. Nilakasan ko ang volume ng study music na pinapatugtog ko para makapag-focus ako nang maayos sa inaaral ko. 

"Fuck," I whispered in frustration before massaging my temples. I was doing some practice exercises, but I couldn't even answer a simple question because I couldn't focus. "Get a grip." 

I studied until the closing time. Tumayo ako nang makitang unti-unti nang nauubos ang mga tao sa library. I fixed all my things and put them inside my bag. I was about to leave when I saw Estella sleeping on her desk. I looked around and saw that everyone already left. Napatingin ako sa relo ko. It was already past closing time. 

I just stood there, meters away from Estella. I looked at her face again to see if I would feel something, but I didn't. I felt relieved when I realized that. Yeah, I don't have feelings for her anymore.

Naglakad ako palapit at tinapik ang balikat niya para gisingin siya. 

"Magsasara na 'yong library," I told her. 

"Ah, shit, okay... Sorry."

The guard was already starting to turn off the lights. I just waited for her dahil madilim na rin sa labas at baka kung ano pa ang mangyari sa kanya. Sumunod na lang ako sa likod niya hanggang sa makarating kami sa part na may mga ilaw na. I parted ways with her and walked on the opposite direction. I didn't even bother saying goodbye. I didn't have to. 

While walking back to my dorm, I was typing a message to Jap to update him about what happened. Napahinto rin ako sa paglalakad nang ma-realize ko ang tina-type ko.

'I saw...' 

Hindi ko na tinuloy at binura na lang ulit lahat. I didn't inform Jap anymore. I knew what he would say. He would doubt my feelings again. Sinabi ko na ngang wala, eh. Ayaw naman niyang maniwala. Kung anu-ano na naman papasok sa utak niya kapag sinabi kong nagkita ulit kami ni Estella. 

The following day, I returned to the library to study. The only vacant spot was the seat next to Estella, so I took it. She remained focused on studying and didn't try to talk to me. After a short while, she stood to stretch, and upon returning, she quietly placed my favorite drink on my desk.

Napalingon ako sa kanya. "Thank you." I smiled before going back to studying. 

Not bad. Talking to her again wasn't bad. Kaya ko naman pala nang walang nararamdaman. I could act casual with her. Besides, I wasn't even mad at her. I was just hurt, pero okay na ako... kaya okay lang din sa akin ang ganito.

We had a few more encounters in the library. Lahat ng 'yon, hindi ko sinasabi kahit kanino. Baka mag-iba lang ang nararamdaman ko kapag kinwento ko na sa iba. That would just mean that those encounters meant something to me that I couldn't fight the urge to tell others about them. I didn't want that. I wanted to treat those encounters as normal to me. 

"Uuwi ka na?" she asked casually.

"No. Magla-lunch," I said. I was asking Jap to eat with me, but he said he was busy, so I was just planning to eat alone. 

"Okay... Bye." That was it. I thought she was going to say something with the way she was conversing.

Since it was the last day of exams, my block decided to celebrate by drinking. I wasn't planning to go, but they said we had to be complete, at chill lang naman daw na inuman. Jero and the others convinced me to go, so I went. Matutulog na lang sana ako dahil bihira na lang ako magkaroon ng kumpletong tulog, pero wala na akong choice kung hindi sumama. 

"Your ex is here, bro," bulong ni Wale. "Are you okay?"

"Come on. Ang tagal na noon," I said, laughing. Nagsalin na lang ako ng alak sa baso ko at uminom habang nagkakatuwaan ang lahat. 

I was never the talkative type so I was just smiling and laughing along with my blockmates while we were playing a game. Sometimes, we would get interrupted because someone would approach me for a photo. I was still not comfortable taking photos with others, but I had to get used to it. 

My eyes wandered around, and I saw Estella at the other table. She was smiling like her blockmate said something funny. I took a sip of my drink while watching her. 

"Bro... Tama na," Nam whispered. I suddenly returned to my senses. "Wala na dapat, 'di ba?" He looked so concerned.

"Yeah... Of course," I said, looking away. Nam, Jero, and Wale all saw me watching Estella. Nag-aya na lang silang tumayo at bumili ng popsicles sa katapat na convenience store. 

After the breakup, my friends noticed that something changed. Jero would always hear me crying inside the comfort room. They got so concerned that they couldn't help but ask what was wrong. 

I didn't tell them what happened. I didn't want to paint Estella in a bad light. I just said we broke up, and I couldn't handle the pain anymore... that I desperately wanted to move on. I even asked them to help me, so they stopped mentioning her name. They also tried their best na ilayo ako sa mga lugar kung saan posible kaming magkita. 

Kahit noong sinabi kong okay na ako, they still continued worrying about me. 

"You were staring at her, Yori," sabi sa akin ni Wale habang naglalakad kami. "Do you still love her?" 

Umiling ako. "No... I was just... I guess it just felt weird to see her smiling without me. And I was wondering... what if we were still together? Would I be in a different place? Would I be sitting beside her? Just... that stuff. But I'm okay. Seeing her again just made me think of those things," I honestly said. 

That was what I felt. Okay naman ako, eh. Wala na akong nararamdaman sa kanya. Siguro... Nanghihinayang lang sa pinagsamahan namin. I would sometimes think of a lot of what-ifs, pero hanggang doon na lang 'yon. It wasn't a need for me to have her beside me again.

I would only think of those things whenever I saw her. Kapag hindi ko siya nakikita, hindi ko naman siya iniisip. I had other things to take care of and think about. 

We bought popsicles for the whole block. Napasobra ang bili namin kaya dalawa ang hawak ko noong lumabas ako. I just wanted to get some fresh air again to reflect. I didn't know Estella would be there. 

"Want one?" alok ko ng popsicle. It was an excess anyway. 

"Thank you," sabi niya at tinanggap ang alok ko.

We just quietly ate the popsicles while standing beside each other. It was obvious that she was just pretending to be on her phone because it was awkward for her. It wasn't awkward for me. I didn't feel any awkwardness with her. 

"Hala... Siya 'yon, 'di ba? Akala ko break na sila..." the girl who wanted a photo with me whispered. 

'Yon ang awkward. 

"Una na ako sa loob," paalam niya. Naiwan tuloy ako roon mag-isa. I sighed and just looked up the sky, reflecting on my actions. 

"Yori... Why... are we acting normal?"

That question did not surprise me. It was an unavoidable topic. I knew it could get brought up at some point. "Because we already moved on."

"Okay lang na ganito?"

"We can't avoid seeing each other on campus... so let's not make it awkward." I helped her drink from the bottle because she was too dizzy to hold it. "I'm not mad at you. I'm actually thankful for the time we spent together."

"How sweet... kahit puro sakit lang dinulot ko sa 'yo." 

"It's okay... I don't feel any pain anymore." I smiled and gave her a pat on her head. "I don't have feelings for you anymore... So this is okay. It's okay to greet me, talk to me, or smile at me whenever you see me."

It should be fine, right? This way, I would get used to it. 

I greeted Kye when I saw him. Seeing him again made me think of some memories with Estella's family. I had already become close with them, so when Estella and I broke up, I felt like I had lost another part of myself. 

While walking away, I called Jap. I didn't even give him a chance to say his greeting. "I've been seeing Estella again." 

"Ya!" malakas na sigaw niya. "Jinjja jangnanhanya? Neo michyeosso?! Ya, shibal saek-" Nilayo ko na ang phone sa tainga ko para hindi ko na marinig lahat ng galit niya. I just waited until he wasn't yelling at me anymore. Hindi ko naman siya maintindihan. 

Ibang language na. That's how I know he's mad as hell. 

Nang marinig kong back to second language na siya ay binalik ko na ang phone malapit sa tainga ko. "I didn't mean it in the context of dating. Nakikita ko siya sa campus. That was what I meant," I said, explaining myself. 

"Fuck..." he said. I just knew he was shaking his head. "So? How are you?" His voice became so serious.

Jap was the person who saw me hurting the most. It was an understandable reaction. He tried to bring me back to my senses a lot of times, but I just loved Estella so much that I never listened. 

"I'm fine. Don't worry," I said. "We're okay. We're both happy now." 

"Whatever, man. Napapagod na ako mag-advise sa 'yo. Kung saan ka na lang masaya," he said. 

The next day, I went to the gym near the campus. Sinama ko rin si Jap para hindi ako mag-isa. I saw Lai there. He said the gym at school was undergoing maintenance kaya lumipat muna siya. He said it was part of his training. 

I introduced Jap and Lai to each other. Pagkatapos namin mag-workout, nagpunta na kami sa lockers at doon kami nakapag-usap. 

"I hope things aren't awkward between us because of what happened... You know... With Nat," Lai said while fixing his things.

"No, it's fine," I told him, smiling while wiping my sweat. "I'm okay with Nat."

"Yori... I'm sorry about what happened. I didn't have the chance to talk to you about this right after the break-up, but I'm relieved to see that you're feeling better now." I could hear the sincerity in his voice

"How did she cope?" I asked in curiosity. "She looks okay now."

"And why do you need to know?" singit ni Jap, tinataasan ako ng kilay. He was doubting me again. 

"She was a mess." Lai gave me a small smile. "But she managed to become a better person. I mean, she's trying... and we're helping her with that." 

"That's good. I will always look forward to her success and to what kind of person she will become." 

"Do you still think about her?" he asked.

Jap looked at me, listening to what I was about to say. "Well... I do think about her from time to time, but it's probably not out of love anymore. Maybe... Curiosity? But I have already moved on from her. It was hard, though... but still... I was able to move forward."

"You looking for a new girl?" Lai asked again, getting his towel. 

"No... I'm busy with my studies and career." 

I had a few more encounters with Estella. I was slowly getting used to it. Normal naman ang pakikitungo namin sa isa't isa. We would greet each other... smile at each other... and talk to each other. 

Hindi ko alam kung masama ba 'yon para sa akin. 

Jap would give me something every competition as motivation since no one was cheering for me anymore, except for my friends, and I didn't even have many friends. This time, nagpadala siya ng bouquet. My teammates didn't know that it was from Jap. Hindi ko rin naman kasi pinapansin at pinapaliwanag. 

We won the competition so we all went back to the bus as the happiest people with medals. "Stop doing that shit. People think I have a girlfriend now," I told Jap over the phone. 

"I thought you wanted your teammates to stop bothering you with blind dates and matchmaking offers," he said, laughing. 

Napatingin ako kay Estella nang sumakay siya ng bus. She looked sick. Namumula ang ilong niya at parang namamaga ang mata, galing sa iyak. What happened? 

"Are you sick?" I asked before getting off the bus.

"Wala lang 'to. Napagod lang." She was obviously lying.

Maybe she was forgetting that I was her ex-boyfriend. I knew her so well.

But I just let that go. I didn't have the right to ask anymore. Kung ano man ang iniiyakan niya, I hoped it would get solved instantly.

I didn't like seeing her cry. 

Starting that day, we would barely see each other again. Binabati ko siya tuwing nakakasalubong ko siya pero awkward niyang binabalik ang ngiti sa akin. Did I do something wrong to her? We were fine before the competition.

We saw each other again at the library. Sabay din kaming lumabas pero nauna siya sa akin na parang nagmamadali. I was going down the stairs when I saw her and Clain.

"Honey!" Clain said before hugging her. He looked so happy to see her.

Umiwas na lang ako ng tingin at dumaan sa kabilang direksyon. I wasn't sure if they suddenly got developed or something... but good for them, I guess.

Siya ba ang iniiyakan ni Estella noong isang araw? I thought he was a good man. I hope he wouldn't make her cry anymore. 

Another library encounter. I was still acting normal, but I was distancing myself. Hindi ko alam kung sila na ni Clain. Kung sila nga, I needed to set boundaries. I didn't want them to fight. I knew how weird it would feel to see your girlfriend with her ex-boyfriend. 

"You're going to class?" I asked when we went out. 

"Ah, hindi. Maghahanap ako ng kakainan. Lunchtime na, eh." She showed me her wallpaper. A scenery in Japan. Iyon pa rin pala ang lockscreen niya. "Ikaw ba? Papasok ka na?"

"Kakain din."

"Oh, gusto mo sumabay? Unless may kasama ka or..." She suddenly stopped talking. "Joke! Kakain na lang pala ako mag-isa!"

"Yeah, sorry. I also have plans with someone. Take care." I tapped her shoulder and smiled before walking away.

My smile faded when I turned my back against her. I lied. I didn't have plans with anyone. I just wanted to distance myself because it would be disrespectful to her current boyfriend.

Well, it wasn't hard to distance myself because she started not going to the same spot in the library. Hindi ko na siya nakikita. I also stopped going to the library because I went back to training. I thought I wouldn't see her again... but damn, in such a random place, really? While buying a ballpen? 

"Did you receive the invitation from the debate club?" The debate club wanted to have a celebratory dinner. 

"Oo. Pupunta ka?" 

"Might..." I looked at my phone when I saw my sister calling. "I'll go now. Bye." I smiled before answering the phone. My sister just told me that everything was set and ready. All the documents I needed to live permanently in Japan were ready. Hihintayin ko na lang talaga ang graduation. 

I looked at the ceiling, thinking about leaving the country. I was about to leave everything behind. Hindi ko alam kung ma-e-excite akong umalis o hindi. I created so many memories here. Memories with my Dad, too. 

My sister brought his ashes with her to Japan, so pati si Dad nauna na sa akin sa Japan. Ako na lang talaga ang naiwan dito. 

"Wala na ba talagang chance, bro? I mean... Kayo ni Estella," a friend from the debate club asked while we were outside. The topic just ended up with her again.

Everyone who knew me before also knew Estella because I couldn't stop talking about her, so they couldn't help but ask about her whenever they saw me. 

"Wala na... I'm already past that," I answered. "I really don't have any feelings for her anymore, and she probably feels the same way."

I had to make that clear. She was already dating a new guy, so people should stop asking about this already. 

"As in? Hindi ka na affected tuwing nakikita mo siya?"

Ever since Estella and I broke up, palagi na nilang tinatanong kung okay lang ba kami tuwing nagkikita kami. It was a bad breakup, but we had a proper closure, so we didn't have negative feelings for each other anymore.

"We always see each other on campus, so it's nothing new. It's like... We're just friends now. I feel relieved... because I really loved her a lot... And now I just don't feel anything anymore. I can already smile or laugh about it without any pain or bitterness."

Maybe that was enough to finally make people stop asking about us.

"She's still not seeing someone new. Baka hindi pa siya nakaka-move on," they said.

Huh?

Napalingon kaagad ako sa kanya. She wasn't dating Clain? I thought they were together.

"Are you sure?" I asked. 

Why would it even matter to me?

"Yeah, I heard them talking earlier. She denied dating anyone. Why? Curious ka?" pang-aasar niya. 

Napalingon kami kay Estella nang lumabas siya. Wait... How long was she standing there? Did she hear our conversation? She was too close to the door. She couldn't even look at me. Well... It wasn't like I said something bad about her. 

Nagmamadali siyang naglakad paalis at hindi na nagpaalam. Baka may emergency. She probably didn't hear our conversation. Pumasok na lang ulit kami dahil tinawag na kami. Pagkaupo ko, napatingin ako sa may labas. 

It was starting to rain. I suddenly thought about Estella. Was she planning to walk home? Wala siyang payong.

"Uy, naiwan ni Nat 'yong wallet niya!" 

"I'll go after her," I volunteered. 

Tumayo kaagad ako at kinuha 'yong wallet. Nanghiram pa ako ng payong bago tumakbo palabas. I suddenly stopped when I saw her hugging a man. I couldn't see the face at first so I didn't know how to approach them. 

 Hindi ko alam kung aalis na ako o ano... but I had her wallet. Ibabalik ko lang... tapos aalis na ako. Iyon lang 'yon. 

Lumapit pa ako nang kaunti para makita 'yong mukha ng lalaki. Ah... It was just Kye so I approached them. 

"Estella?" I called her name so she would look at me. Napatingin siya sa payong na dala-dala ko. "Oh... I thought you were walking home. You left your wallet." Sumilong ako sa waiting shed para hindi ako maulanan. I had the chance to see her face for a second.

She cried.

She was really crying, and I thought I heard her wrong. The rain muffled her sobs, so I wasn't sure if I heard them right. If I knew, sana hindi na lang ako lumapit.

Because I felt something.

"Thank you." She tried to wipe her tears.

What I felt was pain. 

I thought I was already numb. I thought I had already gotten used to seeing her and talking to her. I convinced myself that I couldn't feel anything anymore.

But it only took one cry for me to admit that I was indeed feeling something again. I cannot deny it anymore. It was begging to be noticed. 

"I'm okay!" She tried to fool me with her smile. "Ingat ka pauwi."

I just watched the car drive away. I was left in the waiting shed, touching my chest. Fuck... After talking big to Jap, my friends, and the debate club members? My heart betrayed me once more. 

I completely understand why Jap doesn't trust me with my own feelings.

I should forget this. Whatever this was. Hindi 'to pwede. 

"I can't believe we're eating together on Valentine's Day. Why the fuck are we so single?" Jap complained while we were eating at a Japanese restaurant nearby.

"Just shut up and eat. This is my treat." Napailing ako sa kanya. I wasn't feeling well already. Parang kaunti na lang ay babagsak na ako. I just got home from a flight, tapos dumeretso ako sa event. Pagkatapos ng event, nag-aral ako hanggang umaga, tapos pumasok ako para mag-exam. I didn't have any sleep. Kaunti lang ang tulog ko buong linggo. 

"Dude, okay ka lang? Parang nanghihina ka." 

"I'm fine. I'll sleep after this," sabi ko na lang. I was already getting dizzy. 

It felt as if the universe was playing games with me because Estella had just entered the same place. Napatingin kaagad ako sa mga dala-dala niyang regalo. Wow... She had a lot. She always had so many admirers. I shouldn't even be surprised. 

"Isa po nito..." I saw her point at the spicy ramen. "Iyon lang pala. Thank you."

Jap talked to her for a bit before taking his seat again in front of me. He was looking at me meaningfully... like I would do something stupid again. He was acting like seeing Estella would always make me go crazy. 

Hindi naman palagi. 

"I don't think she knows that she ordered a spicy ramen," panimula ko kay Jap.

"Oh, tapos?" Tumaas ang kilay ni Jap.

"She doesn't like spicy ramen. I should tell the waiter, right?"

"Why should you?"

"Because..." I couldn't think of a good reason. "I'm a concerned citizen." 

"The fuck? Don't. I swear..." Too late. Tinaas ko na ang kamay ko kaya napasapo na lang siya sa noo niya. 

I told the waiter not to make her ramen too spicy. Nang ma-serve na sa kanya ang pagkain niya, madaling-madali siyang kumain at umalis kaagad. I just watched her leave the restaurant without looking back. 

"She's avoiding you. What did you do?" Jap laughed. He also saw how Estella was so quick to leave. 

"I didn't do anything." Ako nga dapat ang umiiwas. Ako 'yong may nararamdamang kakaiba. 

I don't trust my heart around her anymore. 

Sumasakit na rin ang ulo ko kaya naglakad na rin ako pauwi ng dorm pagkatapos namin kumain ni Jap. While walking, I suddenly felt dizzy. I stopped and held onto a lamp post. A guy tried to ask me if I was okay but my mind went blank and I couldn't answer. Dinala na lang niya ako sa clinic. 

I didn't know what was happening. Pagkahiga nila sa akin sa kama, napapikit na ako at hindi na makagalaw. Nanghihina ako. They made me take medicine and then asked if I had someone with me in the dorm. Jero wasn't around so I shook my head.

"I'll just... go home," I told them, but they wouldn't let me leave. I was really getting sleepy. 

"Wait lang po, Sir. Tatawagan na lang po namin ang emergency contact n'yo." I didn't understand that very well. 

Hindi ko na alam kung ano'ng nangyari. I just suddenly fell asleep... and when I opened my eyes, Estella was in front of me. Gulong-gulo ako sa nangyayari. 

And then it hit me. 

My emergency contact. Right... I forgot to change it. Hindi ko naman kasi ginagamit 'yon. Hindi ko alam na magkakaroon pala ng silbi 'yon ngayon. Uh, fuck. I should have changed it to Jap's number or Jero's since dormmate ko naman siya. I didn't want to bother Estella again. 

Dahan-dahan akong umupo sa kama at kinuha ang mga gamit ko. "You can go," I told her. It wasn't her responsibility to take care of me. Bakit pa siya nagpunta rito? She didn't have to go all the way here. 

"Hindi pwede. Wala raw ang ka-dorm mo. Akin na ang phone mo. Tatawagan ko 'yong Ate mo..."

"She's in Japan."

I tried to stand up but I was too weak and my fever was so high. Inalalayan niya ako sa baywang at inakbay ang braso ko sa balikat niya. She tried to call Jap but that asshole wasn't answering too. Nakatulog na 'yon kaya nakapatay ang phone. Of all the times he would sleep early... 

While we were seated on the stairs, my head suddenly felt so heavy. I just closed my eyes and suddenly woke up on her bed. I was probably a little bit conscious when we were on the way here, but I couldn't remember how we got here. 

She was up all night taking care of me. I felt bad. I wanted to apologize, but I was too weak to talk. I was shivering. My body was hurting all over because of my fever. 

I woke up the next morning and saw her sleeping on the side of the bed. Nakaupo siya at nakasandal ang ulo sa gilid ng kama. Her neck and back would probably hurt. I looked at the time. It was seven in the morning.

I stood up and stretched. I was already feeling better. I walked towards her and tapped her shoulder, waking her up, but she wouldn't budge. She took care of me so I should also take care of her. I swiftly carried her and placed her on the bed. Naglagay pa ako ng unan sa gilid niya at kinumutan siya.

After that, I went out of the room and looked for something to drink. Wala akong nakita kaya bumaba ako para bumili sa malapit na convenience store. When I went down, the guard even greeted me. Kilala ko na ang mga tao rito dahil madalas ako sa condo niya noon.

"Nag-alala nga ako, Sir, eh! Akala ko naghiwalay na kayo kaya hindi ka na pumupunta rito," sabi ng guard.

I just gave him a small smile. "Ah... Ngayon na lang po ako nakapunta." Iyon na lang ang sinabi ko at umakyat na ulit.

I got myself an orange juice. Sinandal ko na lang ang siko ko sa kitchen island habang umiinom at naghihintay na magising si Estella. It would be rude to just leave without saying goodbye. She took care of me after all. 

All I could think of was... Why now? Before... I would get sick but she never bothered to ask how I was. Lahat ng kaklase ko tinatanong na ako kung okay lang ako pero siya, hindi niya napapansing nilalagnat na ako. I wanted her to take care of me before... Everything happened too late. 

"Breakfast! Dito ka muna. Magluluto lang ako." She tried to look for food. I knew there was nothing there. Probably pancakes lang. Hindi naman niya niluluto 'yon. Bumibili siya palagi pero hindi niya rin naluluto. 

"I got it. Just sit down." I knew where to find everything. I had been here a lot of times before. Hindi na ako nahirapang hanapin kung saan ang pancakes o kung nasaan 'yong lutuan. I was moving like I lived there before. 

"Kaya ka siguro nagkasakit dahil sa sunod-sunod na events mo. Take care of yourself. Kumain ka nang maayos at magpahinga ka."

I suddenly stopped with what I was doing when I heard what she said. My heart just skipped a beat.

No... Ignore it. I shouldn't feel this way. 

But my stupid heart just won't stop beating so fast. 

"I will... Thanks," I said.

"I just realized I haven't asked you this question yet... How are you?" I was curious to know how much she changed.

When I saw her again, I knew there was something that changed. I knew she was trying to become a better person, and it was showing. She seemed calmer and gentler. I looked at her fingers, and she didn't have wounds there anymore. 

"Okay naman... I've been, uh, going to therapy. I think I'm really better now. I can handle things better now... Hindi na ako anxious sa grades ko. I'm also okay with losing now. I just realized that when we lost the journalism competition. Okay naman ako. I don't even bite my nails anymore. I've been better." 

My lips formed a smile while looking down at my plate. She was... becoming the person I wished for her to become we were still together. 

Everything was just too late. 

"That's good. I'm happy for you... But why were you crying that day?"

"Uh, wala. I just received some... sad news. It was about... uh... Lyonelle," she lied again like I wouldn't catch that. 

Why was she lying? Was she crying because of me? Kaya ba hindi niya masabi? Did she hear what we were talking about that day? 

Did I hurt her? I didn't mean to... I would never think about hurting her. 

"Hah... What do I do with you..." I whispered while looking at the bouquet of roses and two boxes of chocolates she gave me for Valentine's. I placed those on my desk. Nakaupo lang ako at hindi makapag-aral nang maayos.

Why would she give me a gift? I mean, it was very common in Japan to give gifts to men during Valentine's Day. Did she know about that? Was that the only reason? 

"Sa dami ng regalo sa 'yo, bakit diyan ka lang nakatingin?" Jero asked. He just got home from the province. "Sino ba nagbigay niyan?"

"It's nothing." Nilapag ko na lang ulit sa gilid 'yong bigay ni Estella, kasama ng ibang regalo sa akin. 

Why am I acting like this? This is not good. 

When I realized that I couldn't stop myself from feeling something again, I avoided her. I really didn't want to go through all of that again. I should start thinking about myself. Kung may pakialam ako sa sarili ko, lalayuan ko siya.

But how could I? Nahihirapan ako... lalo na sa pakikitungo niya sa akin.

"Sino nagbigay at kanina ka pa nakatingin diyan?" Nam asked. 

Tinago ko kaagad sa bag ko 'yong inumin. Estella left a note there, congratulating me. 

"Chix mo 'yan, 'no!" Wale accused. "Ikaw, ah! I'm glad you're finally looking for a new girl after everything that happened!" 

Wale... I'm sorry... but it's not a new girl.

I felt sorry for my friends. I really tried my best to avoid her and keep our interactions minimal, but everything was out of my control—like the sudden high school reunion. 

"Be honest. Don't tell me you like her again..." hindi-makapaniwalang sabi ni Jap sa akin nang umupo ulit ako sa tabi niya. 

"No, it's not like that," I denied again. "We're just... civil."

"Don't lie, dude. Seriously... Aren't you tired of it?" he asked in all seriousness.

Natahimik na lang ako. He was right... Hindi ba ako napapagod? Paulit-ulit na lang akong bumabalik sa kanya. Just when I thought I could already do it... A simple gesture from her would make me run back on my knees again. 

"Hindi kita pipigilan, p're... Pero tulungan mo naman sarili mo. Alam mo 'yong pinagdaanan mo. I was there the whole time. Get back to your senses," Jap told me again before we stood up to go to a KTV place.

I was thinking about what he said the whole time while I was carrying Estella on my back. I knew. I knew it was wrong. Nahihirapan din ako. Hindi ko naman ginusto 'to. Kung pwede lang, I would really like it if all my feelings would go away.

It was a wrong decision to allow us to get close again. 

"I just want to say... that I'm genuinely happy for you and your achievements. I feel so proud... tuwing nakikita kong nananalo ka. Iyon lang naman sasabihin ko."

Why? Why now? Why is she doing this?  I wanted to hear her say that when we were still together. 

I can't believe I would end up crying again because of her. I was the one who didn't give her another chance... but I also ended up crying the most. 

Why am I like this? Why can't I just stop? Why do I always have to allow myself to get hurt? Alam ko na kung saan papunta 'to, eh... pero bakit hinahayaan ko pa rin hanggang sa malunod na naman ako?

"Hindi mo na ako mahal?" she asked.

I wanted to say no... but I still couldn't lie to her.

I do... I still love her, but...

"Hindi na dapat."

That was the right answer. I shouldn't love her anymore. I shouldn't be doing this anymore. I shouldn't be getting close to her. Iyon ang ikinakapahamak ko. Akala ko okay na ang lahat. Akala ko okay na ako... Hindi pa pala. There was still something left. 

I didn't want to love her anymore. When she told me that she still had feelings for me, I had the urge to just accept everything and come back to her... but what would that make of me? I picked myself up for months just so I could finally get over her. How could I do this to myself again? 

Can I really come back to her, look at her in the eyes, and feel no fear of her abandoning me again? 

I still can't. It felt like it happened so long ago, yet everything still seemed so fresh. It wouldn't be fair to either of us to enter a new relationship with unhealed wounds.

So I let her go. 

I was able to reject her. The skies knew how much strength it took for me to say no. I knew I wasn't ready. 

"I can't believe you're crying again. Wala na nga kayo, lumipas na ang panahon, tapos umiiyak ka na naman dahil sa kanya," Jap said. We went out for another drink after the KTV. 

"I'm sorry... I just can't..." I couldn't even talk. I wiped my tears while I was holding a bottle of soju. I didn't even know why I was crying so hard. "I still... I still have feelings for her. I was lying to myself all this time."

"This is so fucking..." Hindi na niya tinuloy at napailing na lang siya sabay inom ng soju. "Fine. Tell me everything. I won't judge." 

"I already told you everything! Mahal ko na naman siya." I cried more. "Uh, lasing na ako..." 

"No shit," sabi niya at napailing. "You only get drunk when you're hurting because of Nat."

"I'm tired... I'm tired. I want this to be over already..." I wiped my tears. "I'm the one who rejected her... so why am I hurting? Why?!" 

"Malay ko rin! Ang dami-daming iba diyan! Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit gusto mong nasasaktan." 

"Marami ngang iba... But they're not Estella." I sobbed. 

"Ano ba kasing mayroon si Nat at hindi ka maka-move on?! I mean, okay... She has the looks. She has the money. She has the status. She has the brains. Fuck, now that I'm enumerating it, it seems like she really has everything. I'll just stop." 

"She has everything... She just doesn't know how to love me well." Dumukmo ako, umiiyak na naman. "Well, it doesn't matter now. I rejected her, and I'm leaving after graduation."

It's going to be okay. I will leave everything behind eventually.

Months had passed, and I was already feeling better. I would hear other people say how much Nat had changed over time. I was glad. I was so proud of her. 

I was also doing my best to improve myself. Time would heal these wounds. 

My love for her never faded. I just tried so hard to forget about it... but I should start embracing it. I should start admitting it.

That my love for her will be hard to forget... and it's okay. It will be okay.

Just... one more time. I just had to see her one more time before I left. Pagkatapos noon, kuntento na ako. I could finally leave without regrets. 

"Congratulations to us! Congratulations, Mister Valedictorian."

"Congrats, Miss Valedictorian." 

I walked towards her, and we hugged. I closed my eyes and hugged her tightly, cherishing the moment. I knew it might be the last time we'd see each other.

I'm going to miss her so bad.

I left everything to fate instead. Whatever happens... I'll just continue with my life. What is meant to be will happen.

"Sayonara, Estella."

Goodbye, Estella.

Was it really a goodbye? Hindi ko rin alam. Maybe... Someday... When we have finally grown to be better people, we can also be better partners to each other.

"Yori, are you done packing?" My sister went inside my dorm room. Nagsimula na akong mag-impake dahil malapit na ang flight ko. I didn't have a lot of stuff to bring with me. Iyong ibang gamit ko ay dinala na ng kapatid ko noong umalis siya. 

I already sold my gaming equipment. Lahat ng hindi ko madadala ay binenta ko na lang. 

"In a bit," I answered, looking at the keychain on my high school ID. It was our matching keychains. Naroon din ang 2x2 photo ni Estella. I also had an envelope with our photobooth and Polaroid photos. I had been staring at it for so long, wondering if I'd bring those with me. 

We had too many memories together. I put everything in one envelope and then packed it with my clothes. Lahat ng bagay na nakakonekta sa kanya ay dinala ko pa rin. I just couldn't leave them behind. 

"Oh... Right." I got her graduation photo and looked at what was written behind it. My lips slowly formed a smile while reading. 

My Yoritsune, 

Thank you for allowing me to get to know you. 

The days we've spent together will always have a place in my heart. 

You made me the happiest, Yori :)

I will miss you. Please take care of yourself.

BTW, success looks so great on you.

I will always be in the crowd, cheering and clapping for you. 

Let's meet again.

Love,

Nataleigh. 

"Welcome home, Yoritsune." My mom and sister said when we finally arrived home. 

A fresh start. To be honest, I was really nervous. I didn't have friends in Japan. I only knew a few people. The good thing was I grew up being fluent in Nihonggo, so it wouldn't be hard to hold a conversation. 

But everything felt so new, ngayong dito na ako titira. I was fine spending my vacations here. Iba na ngayon dahil hindi na bakasyon 'to. Hindi na ako babalik sa Pilipinas. I had to find a way to survive here. 

"Tadaima," I said as soon as I entered the house. I had just spent my first day at work as a trainee in a big tech company. Well, it was okay. I was pretty interested in what I was doing, but I had to work extra hard just to be on par with others. Hindi pa ako sanay sa work culture dito kaya pagod na pagod akong umuuwi. 

Ever since I migrated to Japan, I signed off as a streamer already. I wanted to focus solely on my work. Ito na lang ang source of income ko ngayon.

"Yori! What's your type? My friend's younger sister wants to meet you! She's Japanese!" My sister looked so excited when she saw me. 

"I don't have a specific type," I said while taking my shoes off. "And I'm not looking for a girlfriend." 

Getting a new girlfriend wasn't a necessity for me. I was still adjusting kaya wala akong panahon para magkaroon ng girlfriend. I wasn't closing all my doors permanently. I was just... not interested. I didn't have commitment issues... and sure, my last relationship was painful, but that wasn't the reason why I didn't want to enter another relationship. I could enter a new relationship, but I just didn't want to. I just wanted to focus more on my career. 

My sister, Akemi, didn't stop there. She tried to set me up with a few women. I would go on dates out of respect, but none of them worked. The dating culture in Japan was also very different, so I had to adjust to that, too. 

My workmates told me that they would use me as a character reference for this game we were developing. Some people knew me from being a streamer, so they also checked out the new game upon release. It reached different countries in just a few weeks. Ako ang hinarap nila sa media dahil sa character reference na 'yon. Just when I thought I wouldn't face the cameras again.

I was great at my work. Everything my team created was successful. When I saved enough, I resigned and started my own company. SUNE Tech. Sumunod sa akin ang mga kasama ko. Apat kami. 

In the five years since I left, I got my engineering license, built my own gaming and tech company, made headlines, and moved out of the house. We even had the chance to partner with a big company, so we got involved in making gaming peripherals. I could say that I was really enjoying my job. 

I still maintained my friendship with Lyonelle and Seven. We would still talk from time to time para magkumustahan. I never asked about Nat though, and they also never talked about her like it was a forbidden topic. 

But I actually wanted to hear how she was doing. 

"Why the fuck do you still ask?" Jap said while we were on the video call. "She's single, alright?! Happy?" 

"I just asked what she has been up to these days..." I defended myself. Why did I even ask Jap about it? Wrong move. Wala nang tiwala sa 'kin 'tong lalaking 'to. 

"Same thing! 'Yon lang ang gusto mong malaman. Ako pa ba lolokohin mo, Yori? Alam ko lahat ng katangahan mo." Jap shook his head. "Whatever. Malaki ka na, dude... Whatever makes you happy."

"You know it's impossible for us to get back together, right? I haven't seen her for five years," I told him. "I was just curious... That's all." I looked away. Why was I still being so defensive?

"You're so successful now. You've done a lot of things. You've achieved so many things. You're already up there... and I can't believe you're still hung up on the same woman. Wow... Talk about consistency." Hindi alam ni Jap kung ano ang magiging reaksyon niya. He looked so disappointed, but also tired of being disappointed. 

"I'm not saying I still have feelings for her." 

I mean... Okay, I sometimes think about her. Curious lang naman ako.

"Then why are you asking about her?" Tumaas ang kilay niya, judging me. "You're still hoping, even if you're miles away."

"I told you, hindi nga ganoon." Napasabunot na lang din ako sa buhok ko. He was so frustrating to talk to! But I knew it was my fault, too. "I don't even have time to think about her anymore!" I lied. 

"Sabi mo, eh." He didn't believe me. "And if you see her again, what will you do?" paghahamon niya.

I thought about it a lot of times. What if we see each other again? I can still remember what I wrote in my grad photo. I was ready to try again... because I knew it would be hard to get her off my mind. I just accepted the fact that she was the only woman I had ever loved like that. I just embraced it. Wala na akong magagawa roon. Siya ang gusto ko, eh. 

Maybe we could try again in the future. Back then, I was so sure that we wouldn't work. The wound was too fresh. Getting back with her would just make things worse for me... so I thought... that maybe in the future when we're finally mature individuals, we could finally work. 

I said I wouldn't give her a third chance to hurt me again. But... I also can't deny that I was longing to be with her more than anyone. I just left everything to fate. I didn't try to find her. I just went on with my life like normal. I didn't force us to see each other again. 

Hindi ako naghihintay. Hindi rin ako nangangailangan. I just let things happen. 

"Yori... Someone's asking you a question," sabi ng business partner ko.

Oh... I was staring at Nat from the crowd. She wasn't looking at me because she was too busy taking down notes during the launch. 

Five years. I couldn't explain how I felt seeing her again after five years. Halo-halong emosyon ang naramdaman ko. I was happy... proud... and probably longing, too. I wondered what she thought when she saw me. Masaya rin ba siya? O wala na ba siyang pakialam? 

Did she at least feel something? 

O baka ako lang?

After the interview, bumaba kaagad ako ng stage at pumunta sa backstage para hanapin ang secretary ko. I told him to move my appointment to tomorrow. May meeting pa dapat ako pagkatapos ng event pero hindi ko na tinuloy, kaya sunod-sunod din tuloy ang tawag sa akin.

Lumabas ako ng venue at umakyat sa may roof deck para maghanap ng tahimik na lugar. I had to answer some business calls from our partners, but the universe played games with me again. Nat was there, taking photos of the buildings.

I ended the call and got lost in my thoughts. Should I talk to her? Should I go? My feet moved on its own before I could think. I removed my coat and put it over her shoulders. 

I missed her—her scent, her voice, her face, her smile, her laugh—everything. I was dying to hold her again. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to be near her again. 

"What's your answer? Don't think about anything else. I'll take care of everything... I just want to know how you feel about it."

I didn't want her to think about having a long-distance relationship. Ako ang gagawa ng paraan. I can go home to her. Hindi ko alam. Basta... Gagawa ako ng paraan. 

"Deal." 

I couldn't hold back anymore. I cupped her face and kissed her. Nagulat siya at hindi nakagalaw. After the kiss, I hugged her again. Hugging her made me feel so much better—like I was healed, and all the tiredness just went away. 

It felt as if five years did not pass by. 

As if...

"Yori! Hey!" 

I blinked, and I saw Jap in front of me. I was seated at the airport, waiting for us to board. Napaawang ang labi ko, gulat habang nakatingin sa kanya. Was I zoning out? For how many minutes? 

"What? Are you daydreaming?" sarkastikong tanong niya.

"No... Uh, sorry. What were you saying?" I must have been out of my mind. Ano b'ang iniisip ko? 

"I said we're already boarding, dude." Napailing siya sa akin. "What were you thinking?"

Oh... Right. Jap visited me in Japan at sabay kaming pupunta sa Pilipinas. I was going there for a business event. The event was related to gaming, so they invited me as a guest to talk about the game and our new gaming device. I was also going to visit our branch there since we opened our Philippine branch. May sarili na kaming stores for our gaming paraphernalia. 

I was just staring out the window during the flight as if I would see something there aside from the clouds. Jap was busy getting the complimentary food for business class passengers. 

It had been two years since I saw Nat at the launching event. Time flew by so fast. 

Everything that happened within those two years felt like a daydream. 

"We're here." Tinapik ako ni Jap para sabihan akong tumayo na. I had a team with me. My secretary and some of my employees went with me to assist me with my appointments. Nauna akong maglakad palabas ng arrival area. 

It was summer. I could feel the heat just by looking outside. 

"Our service is waiting for us, Sir," my secretary said. I really chose someone multilingual since we had many international partners. 

"Oh, I'm not going with you to the hotel," I told them. 

"Huh? Why-"

"Mister Alanis, ano po ang masasabi n'yo ngayong narito ulit kayo sa Pilipinas para sa darating na Philippine E-games Conference?" 

I suddenly stopped walking when I heard a familiar voice. Napalingon kaagad ako sa gilid ko. I saw a woman pretending to hold a microphone in front of my face. Napangiti kaagad ako. 

"Nat!" I let go of the bag I was holding and immediately hugged her, even carrying her up. "I missed you, baby," I whispered.

"Waa, I missed you, mahal ko!" She hugged my neck tightly. "Kumakain ka ba nang maayos doon, huh?! Bakit parang namumutla ka?! May sakit ka ba?! Nawala lang ako sa paningin mo nang ilang linggo, parang nanghihina ka na!" sunod-sunod na sabi niya.

I laughed and let go of her. She kept on talking about how concerned she was. I just couldn't sleep last night because of too much excitement. Two years na kami, and I would still get too excited whenever I would go see her. This will never go away. Palala lang nang palala ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya.

Jap told the others to just let us be since the service was already waiting. Kumaway ako sa kanila at hinayaan na silang mauna na. I held Nat's hand while we were walking to her car. She was telling me everything that happened while she was on her way. She looked so happy and excited because she was also going to cover the event later. 

"I'm really so proud of you! Excited na ako mamaya! I'll be there, watching you go up the stage! Sobrang nakaka-proud!" masayang sabi niya. "You'll grant us an interview right?! Right?!" 

"Yes, I told you." Ginulo ko ang buhok niya. "Open the doors," sabi ko kaagad nang makarating kami sa tabi ng sasakyan niya.

"Wait lang! Bakit nagmamadali?!" Hinawakan niya ang handle ng sasakyan kaya automatic na bumukas ang mga pinto. 

As soon as I got inside the car, I cupped her cheeks and started kissing her. Nagulat siya at impit pang napasigaw. She struggled to close the door while we were kissing. I just continued kissing her until we were both out of breath. 

"I love you," I whispered. "I missed you." 

She laughed and cupped my face, staring straight into my eyes. "I love you! I love you so much!" 

Over the course of our two-year relationship, I couldn't be happier. We have grown and improved as partners, and she has matured so much since our high school and college days. Despite the challenges of a long-distance relationship, we both put in effort to make things work.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" she asked, smiling. 

"I'm just excited to spend another summer with you," I told her. 

This is my summer daydream, a life full of her warmth.

With each passing summer, my promise stands—to remain by her side, basking in the unwavering radiance of my love.

- THE END -