The candlelight was warm against my cheek when I woke. I cracked my eyes open, squinting at its orange shine. The tiny flame was placed in a wooden box, and the shards of glass on its sides reflected the light across my murky room.

It was the first time I was allowed a moment to admire the chamber I had been given. It was covered in stone, wood and gold, polished mahogany constructed into shelves, chests, tables, and yellow illustrations dancing across it. It wasn't a large space - though certainly larger than what I was accustomed to - but I didn't mind. Fewer corners meant fewer places for shadows to lurk in.

Only one shadow inhabited my room at the moment; Rin's scanty frame was perched on the window, dressed in blue and leaden textiles that clashed hideously with my room's warm ambiance. She regarded me with a brash tilt of the head as she said, "You know, your body doesn't really compliment your bold mouth."

I slid up to my elbows and winced at the dull protest of my ribs. My insides felt rotten. "Maybe it's for the best."

"You mean their best."

"Yes, it's always for their best," I laughed bitterly.

A small smile escaped Rin's stony exterior, which she quickly hid by jumping on her feet. "Despite your little tantrum," she called behind her shoulder as she grabbed a slender plate of food, "we ended up eating those rabbits anyway."

The odor of freshly boiled meat reached my nose. It turned my head with longing, the hunger I had suppressed for so long emerging and reigning over my senses. I breathed long whiffs of the pleasant smell as the handmaiden placed the food where her parchment had been.

The thought of Erhan crept into my mind, uninvited and unwelcome. Where was he now? Had our argument upset him more than he let show? All the words I had spat at him swam in my mind, obnoxiously casual next to the image of his firm face. Suddenly, the hare next to me didn't seem so appetizing anymore.

"Wait," I called as Rin approached the door. My eyes couldn't meet hers. "Has Erhan... visited, at all?"

"The big-headed diplomat?"

I nodded.

"No."

Something stung my chest as an uncomfortably audible sigh left my lips. It wasn't like him not to intrude into people's private space. I slid deeper into my blanket, searching for warmth when my heart failed me.

Why should I care? With a shuddering breath, I realized I shouldn't. Yet the scariest part of emotions had always been their haughty defiance of logic, and I didn't expect that to change now.

"Hey, Yumi?"

I glanced up, my eyes narrow with a weird sense of shame.

Rin's lips were twisted with all the words she wanted to say but couldn't. She slowly shook her head - was it disbelief or defeat that darkened her eyes? - and said in the lowest tone, "You should be careful. Things aren't looking so good."

With no further elaboration, she let the door click behind her.

The silence was obstinate, making the hollow room seem crammed. Even the wind seemed to have died down to allow my thoughts unbothered roam. The day had felt like an eternity. The mere reminder that countless more eternities awaited my broken body made me quickly clear the platter beside me, blow out the light and shrivel into my sheets.

There were no thoughts in darkness. Only a fragile lull I knew to cherish.

❧

This dream differed from the rest.

There were no colors, no lively scenery. I wasn't a part of all the other bizarre visions, but a bystander; watching silently, like a play in the Grand Theater. I couldn't interfere, as much as I wanted to, but there was something comforting about knowing I couldn't worsen the turmoil unfolding before me.

Now there was no scene to watch. There was nothing at all. All I could see was darkness, and all I could feel was a piercing agony in my being.

It felt like spears slashing through my soul, leaving just enough of it to attack once more. I pulsed with sorrow and anguish, an ache more intense than any I had felt before. If I could shield my body, if I could turn away, I would; but my spirit had left my body and any means of protecting it. I was only pain.

"Look at me."

It ended before I could die suffering.

I jolted awake violently, clutching my chest and gasping for air. My skin was soaked in sweat, but the hairs across it were risen, shooting a warm shiver across my limbs. I leaned back into my bed. What was that dream? It didn't feel like one, even. But now sleep had taken the pain with it, and only a thin layer of fear remained.

With another shudder, the cause of it became clear. Is that what losing a soul feels like?

"Great, look what you did."

A scoff. "Allow me to ignore your unprompted irony."

My head rolled to the side as disorientation overwhelmed my body's control. Voices swam across my ears, loud and vague, voices my fuzzy mind couldn't process.

"Miyu, look at me." Something brushed my chin, tilting it to the right. Everything blurred before me.

"Miyu," the voice laughed. "There doesn't seem to be much hope here."

"I do not want to have to bury you just yet, Miyu."

"Too bad you might have to." A quiver of terror lay beyond the voice's humor. "Do you know a lot of live people that sleep with their eyes open?"

"Corpses do not convulse, dear."

The voice hummed. "You have experience with those?"

"As much as you have with men."

I raised a shaky hand to wipe the moisture on my brow. The skin beneath my fingers scorched. Alarms clang in my head, inducing panic I could barely understand.

The door screeched open as a new voice reached my ears. "I have prepared it," it whispered. "Even though the dosage is small, the lady will need to keep ice against her skin."

And before my fuzzy mind could process its words, a cup was pressed to my lips and warm liquid gushed down my throat.

I coughed out, the sun's light humming before my squinted eyes. The tasteless fluid possessed a grainy texture that made my skin crawl, and the swirl of my stomach made it difficult to keep down.

Yet not a silent minute after it had slithered down my body, my mind cleared a little too suddenly.

I hesitantly pulled my limp body up. A dull tranquility suppressed the unease that had battered me down.

Erhan, Rin, and a man I did not recognize stood by my bed, staring at me expectantly. The enchanter's hands were pressed together as a doubtful crease wrinkled his smooth forehead. "Are you alright?" he said.

With a deep breath, I realized I was. It was a feverish, uncertain kind of alright that did little to treat the deeply rooted spin of my gut, like a farmer ripping off the yellow-edged leaves instead of treating his crops' illness. But the leaves were ripped nevertheless, and all hints of fuzziness had been forcefully cleaved from my mind.

That was until I opened my lips to reply and the warm liquid churned back up my throat.

I shoved myself out of the bed, making it only as far as the door before the remnants of food in my stomach were emptied onto the floorboards. I whimpered in disgust, my chest throbbing with a wild pulse, and stumbled back on my sheets. The clarity of the liquid was gone, leaving only a sliver of alertness in my shivering body.

"Saints!" the unfamiliar man bellowed as he regarded me with disbelieving black eyes. "The minerals do not evoke this response." With a hesitant wince, he turned to Erhan. "All has failed. I... A priest-"

"No," Erhan cut off sternly.

"You might have carried wicked spirits to the palace! It is imperative that-"

"We shall not be needing you any longer." Erhan gave the man a tight smile, sharp bitterness lingering in his unyielding stare. "We do not follow the Saints. No spirit would bother with a few heretics."

The man regarded Erhan reluctantly. His head was slightly tilted, as if he would request our exile. Erhan was wrong; I believed in the Saints and very much so, too. Perhaps if I had a little less faith in them, I would have never involved myself with the situation at hand.

Finally, the man gave a shallow bow and rushed out of my room. The stillness that followed was chilling. Rin had vanished from sight, along with the stain I had left on the floor. Only Erhan remained before me, a slight slimness to his honey eyes as he glanced at me.

I swallowed down the taste of dread. "What is happening to me?" I croaked.

The corners of his lips curved for a second. "Have you never been sick before?" he chimed mockingly and settled on the corner of my bed.

"That doesn't answer my question."

He chuckled, smoothing out the wrinkles of my quilt. "You are too perceptive to be dying, Miyu. Simply rest for the day."

As Erhan got back on his feet and paced towards the exit, my creaky arm lurched out to seize his palm. The skin of his hand was colder than I expected. He looked behind his shoulder, his features slightly shifting at the contact.

"I'm sorry," I muttered, letting go of him. "I'm sorry for what I said. I don't know what came over me. I shouldn't have been so nosy,"

His eyes were unreadable, serious. "No. You had every right to be."

"But I was harsh."

"And what's so wrong about that?" he said, grabbing the door's handle. "Just let yourself be, Miyu. It makes things easier."

Before I could argue, he disappeared into the hallway.

Be kind and you will deserve kindness. That was what I had learned, and that was what seemed right for the longest time. I was no lady or marquees. I had no land, no leverage. If not compassion, what else would I shield myself with from the vile pit that was Ashaba?

I didn't expect Erhan to understand. Even if I knew very little about his past - nothing, specifically - it was clear and expected that an enchanter would suffer in a country as loathsome as our own. His life must have been filled with hiding, running, fighting.

I leaned against my bed's wooden frame. The sunlight was still weak, cowering behind a thin layer of clouds. My window had no substantial view by a noble's standards; the lake's arms were filled with green and plump pink, the crystal waters swaying peacefully with the rhythm of the breeze. I pushed out of my blankets, stepping towards the glass. Through the nauseous knot in my gut, my chest squeezed at the scenery. My entire life I woke up to the sight of a port, muddy waters nobody cared enough to clean. And within a few days, the salty ocean air had transformed into a fresh tickle of wind brushing through the window's threshold.

Something deep inside my mind wished to let go, to enjoy a luxury I would never witness again once the emperor realized I was a fraud. Like a beast rattling its cage, the desire clattered against my chest with the ferocity of longing. I wanted to embrace it. I wanted to savor the sweet spin on flowers, to feel raven silk against my skin, to lose myself in a life every peasant in their gutters could only imagine. Because no matter how many agitated swears I wanted to send in their faces, the nobles lived a dream my father always reassured me I would one day deserve.

My head slackened, fuzziness blending with shame. If I go through with the plan, I will never deserve it.

I stood beside the window for too many moments to count, watching the sun glide up the sky and pierce through the gloom. Thoughts came and went, poking my dazed figure, scouring for a reaction to quench their bitter malevolence. They got nothing. The sliver of the thick liquid that had managed to sneak into my system had numbed my mind and every emotion with it. In a desperate, twisted way, I was thankful.

The longer I stared at the calm waters of Keiha lake, the more I wanted to touch it, to feel its velvety texture against my fingers. It was a foolish urge I knew I shouldn't fulfill. Yet the room proved to be an abettor of my impulse; it shrank and shrank until I could do nothing more but crouch and hope it wouldn't devour me.

When I had to rip my breaths from the roots of my lungs, I hurriedly turned away from the window, grabbed the robe dangling from my bed's beautifully carved footboard and carried my body out of the suffocating room.

The halls of the palace were a maze, curling into narrow sitting areas from time to time and betraying my sense of direction with every wrong turn I took. The walls were straight and deceivingly reliable. To my blurry eyes they seemed to bend, sending me in directions I never intended to stray towards. Where is the exit? I questioned constantly, yet the stone I was stepping on abused its right to remain silent. The numbness I was so grateful for started wearing off just as quickly as it had settled in me. Now I could taste a hint of aggravation through the rawness of my breaths, which never seemed to appetize my lungs. The halls narrowed. All I could do was keep going.

Keep going. I'll be there when it's over. Why couldn't it be over? I wiped a hand across my damp forehead, trying to smudge the feverish thoughts away from my mind and failing wretchedly.

"What is the matter with you?"

I stopped. Only when my feet shook in place did I realize how fast I must have been going. Through the blur of my eyes I could make out mahogany - almost red - eyes, painted lips, and annoyingly shiny clothes.

I rubbed my eyes and leaned into a sluggish bow. There wasn't much else I could do in my state.

Jingyi twisted her lips into a contemplative frown. "I am glad I chanced upon you. You are the one who fainted, are you not?" she queried, examining my sickly face. "Because of the blood?"

"No. I mean-" I rubbed the side of my face, begging my mouth to stop spewing out things I didn't order it to. "I passed out, but... not because of the blood. Thank you for asking."

Her frown eased a little too quickly. "Oh," she said with a slight laugh, as if she had escaped the wrath of the Saints. "I feel bad, still. Our guests had no reason to witness that abhorrent sight. How can I make it up to you?"

I shook my head, and in my drowsy state it probably seemed as if I was swaying to an invisible rhythm. Jingyi was a royal; I expected no sympathy from her, let alone when she knew she wasn't the one who caused my need for it. "I just want some air," I replied as politely as I could.

She nodded curtly. "I was heading towards the archery range. Would you like to join me?" The pity in the slight curve of her lips made me want to decline. Yet when she swiveled around and marched down the hall, my poorly developed etiquette told me I should follow her.

The garden of Keiha palace was no different than yesterday. The grass smelled the same way, the leaves rustled in the same manner, the water made the same rippling sound against the now slightly harsher wind. It was almost as if the plants were stuck in time. I trailed behind Jingyi, hogging the fresh air in my lungs. The ache in my head lessened, but only slightly. Whatever tormented me wasn't afraid of the vibrant colors of the garden.

The girl took a sharp turn to the left of the lake, leading us into a fenced area. Short wooden posts framed a wide circle of freshly cut grass, inside of which lay a single round target and neat piles of bows, arrows and relevant equipment.

I rubbed my clothed arm awkwardly, standing on the side as Jingyi grabbed one of the wooden weapons and a quiver filled with arrows. She swung the latter across her waist and kept only one of the firm reeds between her fingers. "Do you know how to shoot an arrow?" she called behind her back as she positioned herself and the weapon with ease I had never witnessed. To be fair, nobody in Metsuva had ever needed to use such a contraption before me; I had only ever heard of archery from the stories of war occasionally lighting our town aflame.

"Uh- no, your Highness." I stepped towards her reluctantly, making sure the sharp head of the weapon wasn't pointed anywhere close to me.

Jingyi brought the bow closer to her face, her eyes focused solely on the target placed across the range. "Well? Would you like to learn?"

"I don't like shooting sharp things at people."

The arrow flew across my vision, stabbing the target on the inner edge of the crimson circle.

Jingyi turned to smile at me. "Sharp words seem to be your specialty, though."

Where I'm from, we're honest, I wanted to inform the woman, but the weapon clutched between her fingers made me rethink my remarks. "Let me try," I blurted out, and even my restless pulse twitched in surprise.

"Take this. And the arrow." I fumbled with the items she dropped in my hands. The bow was oddly heavy, its shiny surface sliding awkwardly across my palm as I mimicked Jingyi's posture the best I could. Even the pearly white birds pecking the ground around the target turned their black eye to glare at me.

An unnecessarily abrupt kick sent my feet into an awkward position. "Your feet need to be parallel to your target," she stated, placing her hands on my shoulders and swinging them into place. "Relax. Now nock the arrow."

I turned to look at her with a desperate grimace.

With a sigh, she clicked the shaft on the arrow's back into the space between two silver beads in the middle of the string. "Hold the bow."

"How?"

"Simply follow your intuition. It is the best teacher."

Trying not to huff at Jingyi's forfeited attempts at teaching me, I pulled the string with my thumb. I raised the bow shakily, trying to point it straight at the target. Every time I found the right spot, my hand swiveled into a shiver and ended up closer to the rising sun. I sighed wearily, the focus chipping away at the calm my body had settled in. My gut began burning again and my throat tightened, as if some part of me feared the arrow would turn and hit me instead.

I blew a sharp breath, squeezing my fingers against the harsh cord. Was it blood that dampened my fingers? The haze had returned to spin my head, and for a second I almost forgot I held a lethal weapon in my hands.

"Relax," Jingyi repeated, but her tone was more worried than strict now.

The target blurred into a buzz of colors. I was supposed to shoot at the yellow, I knew that much, yet there was no such color on the circle I was aiming at anymore.

I didn't have to shoot. I knew I didn't. Yet something within me forced me to hold the weapon even tighter. If I couldn't do something so simple, so innocent, how was I supposed to become the monster Erhan wanted to make out of me?

"What are you doing here?"

The morbidly familiar voice sent a jolt of surprise across my limbs, letting the arrow slash the air and plunge into one of the little white doves desperate to fly away from the turmoil that awaited us.

❧

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