Sorry for the long wait guys. This last week has probably been the most stressful week of my life! Alhamdulillah.

Uni is over which would usually mean a showering of updates BUT:

1. I have an operation after tomorrow and will need 3-4 days in recovery. [Make dua please]

2. Ramadan follows directly after that and for those who have read works of mine before, will know that I don't usually update in Ramadan as I like to focus on the month and gain as many rewards as I can.

Enjoy! Salam.

#Chapter Thirty Four#

{Unedited}

It was only when the glorious rays of sun sparkled up the room and the birds began their chirping did I roll up the prayer mat I had been sitting on for the last two hours. I closed the copy of the finely decorated Qur'an and placed it back on the bedside table. 

With a loud sigh, I removed my prayer clothes and threw them to the side, revealing the pyjamas I had been wearing underneath. Moving towards the bed, I pulled back the blanket and slid under. Bringing the covers to my chest, I shifted so that I was laying on my back comfortably, relaxing my arms by my side.

I stared at the white ceiling above me, knowing it was useless attempting to get some sleep. If I hadn't even been sleeping properly at night, I highly doubt I'd get even a wink of sleep now when it was light outside.  

So instead, I resorted to playing some stupid game on my phone and it only entertained me for so long. Next, my eyes found the book 'where the streets had a name', a classic book read by nearly all of Palestine's population. The book was set fifty years back when Palestine had still been under occupation and it was a sort of treasure amongst the oldies these days as it brought nostalgic memories of life amongst war. I picked up the book almost immediately, glad that at least some people other than myself like to read hard covered books. 

They were a rarity, slowly being extinguished with the use of tablets and other technologically upgraded equipment I tried not to bother myself with. 

I managed to read a few chapters and by then, the sun was fully set and the sound of human life emerged. Cars whizzed past on the street and the children squealed in their flustered groups. The sound of rubbish bins being dragged back into houses by grumbling dads combined with the thumping of a hammer against the nail from next door's renovations almost made me forget the tragic happenings in my life. 

With a pensive sigh, I threw the book across the queen sized bed and moved towards the window that overlooked the street. I pushed the curtain aside and peered down at the daily chaos ensuing before me, wishing and longing I was a little kid again. 

When one was hurting as much as I, innocence and naivety was seen as a blessing. Travelling back into the days where wearing a pretty dress and fighting for cheesecake at night was my only concern sounded pretty damn good to me right now. My life had taken such a drastic turn - in my eyes at least - and I really wasn't coping well. Four days ago, when baba and Tariq had confessed everything to me, I had escaped the house with a well-defined threat to three security guards at the gate, only to end up at my aunty's house. Despite the fact that I aimed at steering clear from anyone who knew about my past and withheld it from me, I couldn't help but end up at the one person's house who looked and acted exactly like my mother. 

Her surprise upon opening the door to find me there sobbing into my hands frightened her exceedingly but somehow, she had known without me needing to explain anything to her. After ushering me in, I had a good crying session in her arms which left me feeling more broken and exhausted than before. A room was cleared for me whilst I attempted to shower off all the pain, hurt and betrayal that came with the day, but it was to no avail. Khalto made me some camomile tea and after tucking me into bed, she had retreated from the room with a sad glint in her eye. 

All throughout she didn't say anything and it comforted me more than I'd like to admit. She didn't try to justify baba or anyone's actions. She didn't try to placate me by agreeing with me. She was just there. There for me, exactly like mama was. 

With open arms and a warm, silent hug. 

I exhaled and my breath fogged up the window. I wiped the water away and traced a little kid on a bike, a twitch of a smile making it's way onto my face when he reluctantly got off to let his little sister have a ride. She stopped her tantrum and looked up at her big brother with doe-like eyes and he merely sent her an adoring smile before helping her ride down the footpath. 

A rapt knock on the door broke me from my thoughts. I remained by the window, not bothering to open, knowing already it would be my aunty.

"Sabah elkheir," she said with a timid smile, holding the door open with one hand and balancing a tray of food with the other. 

"Sabah elnoor," I said, sparing her a glance and then turning back to the window. 

"I brought you some breakfast. It's your favourite; waffles drenched with chocolate and honey." I could hear how forced the excitement was in her tone of voice and I knew she was only doing this for my sake. 

I managed half a smile. "Thanks khalto, but I'm not hungry. Give it to Laith, I'm sure he'd be more than happy to eat it," I responded quietly, referring to my cousin, her seventeen year old son. 

She sighed and set the tray down on an old desk in the corner. "Habibti look at you. I'm sure you've lost at least a couple of kilos in the last few days. You're way too pale and the bags under your eyes are only getting worse," she said, exasperated.

"Thanks for confirming how ugly I am," I mumbled and moved to lie back down in bed. 

"Don't do this to yourself Sameena. Please. I don't like seeing you like this. Where's the glowing, smiling face we're all accustomed to seeing?" She sat down next to me and grasped my hand in hers.

"I don't know, ask my family about that." 

She blew out a breath. "Your father was-," 

"No, khalto please. Not now." 

"No, you will listen to this," she said, raising one finger, a determined gleam in her eye. "I've let you off for the past four days, I've let you be miserable but enough is enough." She breathed in through her nose and squared her shoulders and it was only then I realised the tears in her eyes. "Your father is a good man Sameena," she started, looking away. "He loved your mother dearly and that love was only magnified when you and your brothers were brought into this world. Nothing was more precious to him; not even his job." She bit her lip. "When that accident happened, your father's world crumbled. Everything he ever knew, his support and backbone was ripped away from him and he was suddenly subject to this big frightening world on his own, three ambitious teenagers in his grasp. One in a coma, none of us knowing if she would ever wake up." 

I couldn't meet khalto's eyes so I instead fumbled with the blanket, wringing it between my fingers. "So suddenly, what was at the forefront of your father's mind was your protection. All of you. He was like a lost puppy without your mother by his side, but he tried Sameena. He really did." She squeezed my hand and her eyes pleaded with me to understand. "I know you're hurting and I know you feel betrayed by more than just your father. But don't let the past ruin your future sweety. I was always like your second mother and I know all the insecurities you harbour. Don't feed them. Let this be a situation for you to grow and fight back. Let it make you a stronger person." 

Large, round tears rolled down my face. "I don't know if I can do that."

"Sure you can. The first step if forgiveness." 

I shook my head vigorously. "I can't. Not yet."

####

Another three days passed by with me locked up in this house. I haven't seen my family in over a week and that was the longest period I had ever gone without seeing or speaking to one of them. 

What about the eight months in a coma? my brain viciously reminded me. 

My aunt filled me in with what was happening, even though I didn't want to know. I didn't care really. 

Apparently, Isaac still had not been caught and it was believed he's fled the country all together. It has however, been confirmed that he is a part of Al Ghorban, the same group who orchestrated the killing of my mother. A bitter taste filled my mouth at the name.

Apparently, my family were also dying to see me, as evident by the jiggling of the door knob and the annoyed voices from outside. 

"Sameena, you know I will just break this door down if you don't open it yourself," came Ziad's voice from the other side. 

I ignored him. I was on the last chapter from 'where the streets had a name' and I wasn't planning on giving it up just yet.  

"Khalto, don't you have a key?" I heard Samir ask her impatiently. 

"No darling, Laith lost it a long time ago. Barely anyone uses this room."

Some more jiggling. Some more banging. Some more threats. 

I didn't even flinch when the door flew open with a crack. My eyes remained trained on the book in front of me but that quickly ended when it was suddenly snatched from between my hands. 

"Excuse me?!" I yelled, looking up at an agitated Ziad.

My brother stilled in his movement, as if seeing me for the first time. His mouth formed an 'o' and his eyes were wildly taking in my appearance. "Sameena?!" 

And then sudden anger again. "HOW DID YOU LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOURSELF?!" he barked and I just stared at him blankly. "Look at yourself!" he gestured up and down my face. "You look like a ghost. That's it, you're packing up your things, getting dressed, putting on a scarf and coming home with us right now!" 

"Ziad, calm down!" Samir grabbed his arm and tried to force him into a chair. 

It didn't work. 

At this point, my own emotions had transformed from nothingness into rage. "Don't you dare come in here and try to act like my very protective, caring brother. I'll come home when I want to, thank you very much." I got up and plucked the book back out of his hands before returning to the bed and trying to find the page that I was up to. 

I could sense the incredulous looks from my brothers. 

"Sameena, don't you think this is a bit much?" Samir asked slowly, calmly. 

I shrugged my shoulders nonchalantly. "Pain is pain, brother and until it goes away, I really don't want to see any of you." 

"Just come home and we can talk about this," he pleaded and I didn't miss the exhaustion in his voice. "Dad is ruined Sameena." 

My heart jumped but I quickly dismissed it. "I'm sick of talking." 

"Your attitude is going to get you no where Sameena," Ziad seethed. I lifted my eyes momentarily to find him clenching his fists and gritting his teeth in restrained anger. I knew my twin well; anger was his dominant emotion that replaced everything else. The thing is, he wasn't actually angry. He was upset just as much as we were, heartbroken and frustrated, guilty and ashamed yet he only knew how to express it through his fury. 

I closed the book dramatically. "Why are you both here?" I questioned tightly. 

"Sameena..." my aunty started in a warning tone. 

"No, I really want to know. If you're here to explain yourselves then don't bother, because I'm not in the right mind to hear it. I'm not thinking rationally - oh, just like how you all weren't nine years ago," I spat spitefully.

Ziad rubbed his eyes and Samir looked down at me sadly. 

"What if we told you we're sorry?" Ziad raised one eyebrow. 

I laughed humourlessly. "Oh, typical guy move, throw in an apology and suddenly everything is aright again." 

"Well what do you want us to do?! What will make you feel better?" he exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air. 

I was silent for a long moment. "I don't know. When I do, I'll let you know." 

A collective sigh escaped my brother's lips. 

"Well until you figure it out, why don't you get dressed so you can come home with us." 

Samir nudged him in the chest and I knew it was because his comment was insensitive. 

"No." 

They looked at me. 

And before I knew what was happening, I was being thrown over Ziad's shoulder. 

"Hey!" I yelped, trying to free myself from his strong grasp. "Let me go!" 

"Khalto, can you get her a scarf please?" Ziad asked, dismissing my outraged cries.

I heard an audible sigh before her feet made their way around us. She rummaged through my duffel bag that had been sitting idle on the floor for the past week, pulling out an aqua blue jilbab that reached my knees. 

She slipped it over my head. 

Samir picked up the bag and stashed all my stuff back in. 

By now, I was silently crying, knowing I had no option but to finally go home. 

To face my fears.

"We love you Sameena...that's why we're doing this."

####