( At night )

Mery-Berry woke up to the sound of someone yelling " What are you doing in my swamp?! " She then saw that there were other fairytale creatures at the swamp and quickly went behind Shrek, as she didn't know if these creatures were friendly or not. Gasps were heard all around. Three fairies hid in a tent.

Shrek: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

Some dwarves went inside Shrek's hut and shut the door behind them. Mery-Berry covered her ears as Shrek yelled at them. Shrek fiddles with the door handle, unable to open it. He gives Mery and Donkey an annoyed expression.

Donkey: Hey, don't look at us. We didn't invite them.

Pinocchio: Well gosh, no one invited us.

Shrek: What?!

Mery-Berry tilts her head in confusion.

Pinocchio: We were forced to come here!

Shrek: By who?!

Little Pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he... signed an eviction notice.

Shrek: ( sighs ) Alright. Who knows where this... Farquaad guy is?

The crowd gasps at the mention of Lord Farquaad. No one answered.

Donkey: Oh, I do. I know where he is!

Mery-Berry excitedly tugs on Shrek's shirt and points at Donkey.

Shrek: Anyone at all?

Mery-Berry kept pointing at Donkey to Shrek.

Donkey: Me! Me!

Shrek: Anyone?

Donkey: ( jumping up and down ) Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

Mery-Berry gently kicked Shrek's leg and pointed at Donkey with a frustrated expression on her face.

Shrek: ( sighs ) Okay, fine. Attention all... fairytale things. Do not get comfortable! Your welcome is officially worn out! In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!

After a brief silence, the crowd erupts into cheering and applause. This wasn't Shrek's intention. A group of birds drapes a cloak made of flowers around Shrek's shoulders, much to his annoyance.

Shrek: ( to Donkey: ) You! You're comin' with me.

Shrek brushes the cloak onto the floor, while the birds come back to place a wreath of flowers on Donkey's head. Mery-Berry quickly and happily started following them through the crowd.

Shrek: ( to Mery-Berry: ) What, no. Only h- Nevermind. At least you're quiet.

Donkey: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek, Mery, and Donkey, three stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! ( Singing: ) " On the road again... ", sing it with me, Shrek!

As they walked through the crowd, Shrek took a torch from a dwarf.

Donkey: " I can't wait to get on the road again. "

Shrek: ( to Donkey: ) What did I say about singing? ( Yanks the wreath off Donkey's head )

Donkey: Can I whistle?

Shrek: No.

Donkey: Can I hum it?

Shrek: All right, hum it.

Donkey begins to hum " On the Road Again." The trio walk off into the night with Shrek's torch lighting the way.

( Time skip, outside of Duloc )

Shrek, Mery-Berry, and Donkey come out of the field just outside the Duloc parking lot.

Donkey: That's it right there. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd find it.

The three gaze up at Duloc castle, a building that towers over the rest of the kingdom.

Shrek: So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

Donkey: Uh-huh. That's the place.

Shrek: Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

Shrek laughs, but groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke and Mery was looking at him with an innocent smile as she was too young to get the joke. Shrek continued to walk through the parking lot.

Donkey: Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

Mery see a man and woman run through the castle's entrance. In front of the gate is a series of ropes hung in a maze for crowd control. Mery's fur fizzed up when she saw the mascot, as she didn't like it. Shrek and Donkey exchange looks.

Shrek: ( to the mascot: ) Hey, you!

The mascot screams at the sight of Shrek and begins running through the roped path to get to the front gate.

Shrek: Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just- I just-

Shrek sighs in frustration and then begins pushing his way through the ropes. The mascot runs into a wall and knocks himself out. Shrek pushes through the entrance's turnstile, but Donkey gets caught in it and lands on the ground with a thud. Donkey sheepishly smiles and Shrek sighs in annoyance. Mery-Berry just walked under the turnstile with ease due to her being a kitten.

The trio went inside and looked around the kingdom square, which is deserted. The trees and grass are neatly cut and the rows of houses all looked exactly the same. Chirpy music quietly plays from a set of loudspeakers.

Shrek: It's quiet, too quiet. Where is everyone?

Mery shrugs her shoulders.

Donkey: Hey, look at this!

Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked " Information." The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing.

( A/n: Yeah... That song was too annoying for even me to want to write it down. I don't own the vid )

Suddenly a camera takes the trio's pictures, which all three of them are dumbfounded.

Donkey: Wow! Let's do that again!

Donkey makes ready to run over and pull the lever again, but Shrek quickly grabs him by the tail and Mery hissed in protest.

Shrek: No. No. No, no, no! . . . No.

They hear a trumpet fanfare from afar and head over to investigate. A voice sounds from the distance.

Farquaad: Brave knights! You are the best and brightest in all the land, and today one of you shall prove himself better and brighter than all the rest.

As the trio walk down the tunnel to get into the arena, Donkey hums the Duloc theme song.

Shrek: ( to Donkey: ) All right, you're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

Donkey: Sorry about that.

In the center of a stadium-like arena, Duloc knights are gathered as a large crowd of civilians watches on from the stands. Horses, kegs of beer, arrow targets, and other equipment are scattered about. Farquaad is atop a high up balcony, flanked by two guards, addressing the crowd. The trio step out onto the arena but don't seem to be noticed.

Farquaad: That champion shall have the honor- no,no- the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place. And so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

The crowd cheers and applauds. Shrek and Mery looked around, both noticing a man holding up a sign telling the crowd to applause.

Farquaad: Let the tournament begin!

Shrek marches through the knights, who back away in disgust upon noticing him. Mery-Berry followed Shrek and cutely hissed at some of the knights, trying to act scary.

Farquaad: Oh! What is that? It's hideous!

The crowd gasps and goes quiet.

Shrek: Ah, that's not very nice ( Looks at Donkey and then back at Farquaad ). It's just a donkey.

Mery giggled while Donkey looked confused, the joke is once again lost on him.

Farquaad: Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him!

Mery-Berry hissed at the knights as they drew their weapons and slowly approach Shrek as he backs up. The crowd cheering them on.

Shrek then holds up a mug of beer.

Shrek: Can't we just settle this over a pint?

Crowd: Kill the beast!

Shrek: No? All right then. ( Drinks the mug in one gulp ) Come on!

Shrek takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out, knocking the knights down and wetting the ground into mud. Shrek slides past the knights and uses a spear like a hockey stick to knock one of his feet. Donkey hops up onto one of the larger barrels of beer with Mery-Berry on his back with a stick in her paws, she pointed it forward like it was a sword. It breaks free of its ropes and begins to roll.

Donkey: Hold on, Mery!

Mery-Berry: ( meows excitedly, showing no fear or worry )

Donkey manages to squish two knights into the mud and rolls over another group of knights running after Shrek. Shrek hops over a set of ropes that appears to make up a wrestling ring. Shrek uses the ropes to launch himself at two knights, knocking them over with his arms. The crowd boos.

Mery-Berry is then seen picking up a dagger that was big enough to be a sword to her, she jumped in front of a knight with a sword with a fearless smile as she points the dagger at him.

Mery-Berry: ( finally talks. To the knight: ) Unguard! Fear the kitten!

Donkey & Shrek: ( is shock: ) She can talk?!

The knight was about to try to pick her and toss her aside, but she jumped and swung the dagger at him, hitting him in the... area between his legs, causing the knight to bend over in extreme pain.

Donkey: Ooh... That's got to hurt. Mery! Don't hit a man in that area, it's just being mean in many ways!

Mery-Berry: Oh! Okay, Uncle Donkey! ( Drops the dagger )

Donkey: Uncle?! ( Excitedly: ) I guess I'm an uncle now!

Shrek jump kicks a knight, and then body slams another. A knight comes from behind Shrek with his spear ready to attack. The crowd gasps, but before he can make a move Shrek puts him in a full-nelson hold. Donkey and Mery-Berry were now watching the fight.

Donkey: Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!

Shrek brings the knight to Donkey, who leans on the ropes and headbutts the knight. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd, who have now begun to cheer for the trio. Shrek stands on top of the ropes and beckons on the crowd's cheers.

Shrek: Yeah!

A knight tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but he turns in time to see him and jumps on him.

Woman: The chair! Give him the chair!

Shrek uses a folding chair to smack the knight lying on the ground. Shrek dispatches a few more knights with ease. Shrek picks up the last knight, spinning him over his head and then throwing him against the post of the wrestling ring. Donkey kicks his helmet, and the ding sounds the end of the match. Finally all the knights are down. The audience goes wild. Mery looks at the crowd and does a cute heroic pose.

Shrek: Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try a veal! ( Laughs )

Farquaad motions to the guards, who aim their crossbows at the trio, Mery looked at them with no fear. The crowd gasps and goes silent. Shrek stops laughing.

Guard: ( to Lord Farquaad: ) Shall I give the order, sir?

Farquaad: No, I have a better idea. People of Duloc! I give you our champion!

The crowd cheers and a fanfare plays.

Shrek: What?

Farquaad: Congratulations, ogre. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.

Shrek: Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back.

Farquaad: Your swamp?

Shrek: Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures!

Farquaad: Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

Shrek: Exactly the way it was?

Farquaad: Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

Shrek: And the squatters?

Farquaad: As good as gone.

Shrek glances at the soldiers still aiming their crossbows and then turns back to Farquaad.

Shrek: What kind of quest?

The trio are now walking through the fields heading away from Duloc. Shrek is munching on an onion while Mery-Berry is on Donkey's back.

Donkey: Let me get this straight. ( To Mery-Berry: ) You can talk. ( To Shrek: ) And you're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?

Shrek: You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

Donkey: I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.

Shrek: Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

Donkey: Uh, no, not really, no.

Mery-Berry: ( happily, as she got off Donkey's back: ) Because that's mean.

Shrek: For your information, Donkey, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.

Donkey: Example?

Shrek: Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. ( Holds out his onion )

Donkey: ( sniffs the onion ) They stink?

Shrek: Yes- No!

Donkey: They make you cry?

Shrek: No!

Donkey: Oh, you leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.

Shrek: No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers.

Shrek throws away his onion and walks off, Mery followed and caught up with him.

Donkey: ( trailing after Shrek ) Oh, you both have layers. Oh. ( Sniffs ) You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

Shrek: I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes.

Shrek and Mery-Berry walked past Donkey.

Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, " Let's get some parfait," they say, " Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

Shrek: ( yelling at Donkey: ) No! You dense, irritating, miniature, beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

Shrek and Mery-Berry continued to walking. Mery looks up at Shrek with a knowing smile.

Mery-Berry: ( to Shrek, happily: ) I understand what you mean. My mama used to say that there's more to a person than what they look like on the outside.

Donkey: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

Shrek: ( to Donkey: ) You know, I think we prefer your humming.

Donkey: Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering.

Shrek: ( to Mery-Berry: ) Hey, how come you weren't talking before?

Mery-Berry: ( ears flattened backwards on her head ) I... I don't really like my voice very much... A lot of people freak out whenever they heard me talk or see me walking...

Shrek looked at her with slight understanding, as Mery-Berry rubbed her arm.

Donkey: Well, I think it's fine. I don't see why they would freak out when hearing a cute little kitten talk.

Mery-Berry: Thank you, Uncle Donkey.

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That's it for this chapter, I hope you like it.

Till next time my agents of mischief 😜