Finally touching another so intimately gave me everything that I didn't realize I needed. Allowing my lips to explore Xander's mouth brought me back to my first kiss in high school, which was nothing like this.

For one, being deprived of such carnal needs since the start of the airborne contagion was nearly ten years of agony. And for two, Johnny had only agreed to kiss me due to a bet him and his friends made.

To be able to finally indulge and give in to my urges brought me to a place of bliss I didn't want to end. Sharing kisses and caresses with Xander had my mind playing out scenarios that went even further down the steamy lane.

However, while I continued to explore Xander's petal soft lips with my own, I took note of a few things that further distinguished him from my first kiss. The upsetting lack of warmth in his breaths and touch. Kissing such a beautiful man automatically gave me expectations of moist make out sessions and steaming hot breath, body heat, and sweat that was missing from this experience. It was only then that the harsh reality hit me, and I broke the kiss, putting some awkward space between us.

Bashfully, I rubbed the back of my neck. What was I doing? How could I let my emotions and desires take over me like that? Although Xander seemed to display emotions and take an interest in me, he was still an android. Dad was right. And much like Johnny, what lay within his chest wasn't a heart. Were all my efforts pointless at the end of the day?

"Is everything alright, Leo?" Xander tilted his head slightly.

The coldness in the room became icier as a bit of embarrassment sank in. "I don't know what's going on," I admitted. Something took over me and my lack of control worried me. Was I so desperate for intimacy that I would manipulate an android?

"You were teaching me how to touch." His words came out casually. Did he have no regard for what we just shared? Had my kisses only been a touch to him?

"Yes," I nodded, composing myself. "I was teaching you how to touch, but I shouldn't give lessons in that kind of touch. It's important we be careful. I don't want to go down a road we can turn back from." The thought of Dad and what he had been going through recently washed over me like guilt. I was being selfish, talking away his caregiver and turning him into a sex bot for my pleasure.

"That is your choice." Xander bowed his head. "I know how you feel about secrets."

For some reason, his words urged me to glance at the closed closet door. "You're right. For now, let's just keep this to ourselves."

"If you like." Xander nodded. "I will do what makes you feel at ease."

"Speaking of secrets," I started. "What's your secret, Xander?"

Astonishingly he too glanced to the closet door. "As a domestic caregiver, I share all information with my clients. Therefore, I hold no secrets."

"Besides the one's I ask you to," I pointed out.

"Correct." His lips closed, pursing together as if subconsciously reminding himself to keep quiet.

"You called me Rudy again." I narrowed my eyes, trying not to allow my attraction to his velvety lips and exotic gaze distract me. "Why?"

"I'm sorry if I upset you, Leo." Why did he look so innocent and unaware? "I will be sure to do better next time."

"Xander—" I went to him again, only inches separating us. "You are not at all how Colife said you would be. I can see there's more than meets the eye about you. There's something special about you, and I know there's something you're not telling me. You know you can trust me, right?"

"Yes, I can trust you."

"I like you, Xander." I frowned, sensing that he didn't believe the words that just came from his lips. "I just want you to be comfortable around me. You can tell me who Rudy is."

"I like you too, Leo. But I'm sorry," he repeated. "I cannot recall."

I huffed in frustration, impatience bubbling to the surface. "You know I have secrets too."

"You do?"

"Of course, I do." I shrugged. "Everyone does." I waited to see if he would ask me to share, but of course he didn't. Maybe he didn't put me to share out of respect but a part of me wondered if, like all machines, he just didn't care. "Would you like me to tell you my secret?"

"Sure." He smiled.

I sat on the edge of the bed, leaving enough room on the white sheets for him to sit too. He continued to stand in the center of the room but gave his full attention by turning to face me, keeping his eyes locked on mine.

"The secret is," I started, suddenly avoiding eye contact. "My mom." I couldn't even say the word mom without sheepishly turning away from scrutiny, being conditioned to never bring up that word since she left.

He tilted his head slightly. "Your mom is the secret?"

"The way I feel about her," I clarified, focusing on the tiny, twisted fibers of the bedroom carpet. "Although thinking and talking about her makes me angry, sometimes I miss her."

"I see." His voice was calming, even if he had only said two words.

"But I can't tell Dad that," I went on. "He doesn't want to hear it. Ever since we promised each other not to talk about her I haven't, but I know he misses her too. Why else would he allow pictures of her to be around the house?

"I mean, what mother just leaves her family when they need her the most?" I continued. "My Dad needed support, he needed a caregiver and so did I. Now it's just him and I." I rested my elbows on my knees as I finally allowed my feelings to come to the surface. "It just feels so selfish. Like she never once thought about us and how we feel doing this alone."

Xander sat in the open spot of the bed I left for him. "There are ways to look at an event to better understand it. Sometimes it's best to try to see things from the other's point of view to better empathize with them and learn. Empathy can take you far."

"I know why she left, because taking care of us was too hard. Taking care of my dad is hard too but I didn't leave. Anyway, it's her job, right? That's what mothers do. They nurture."

Xander mirrored me and rested his elbows on his knees. "You said she didn't like how James treated her, so she left."

"Yes, but what about me?" I pointed my finger to my chest to ease the sudden tinge of pain. "I treated her well, and she ultimately decided to leave me too. How fair is that?"

"That must be difficult for you," Xander said. "I'm sorry you had to go through that. I find it interesting that your mother's duty was to be caregiver to you and your father. Was that her only obligation?"

"Well, she worked for a while as a legal consultant but had to take a break from the firm because of quarantine and the mandates."

"I see," he repeated. "Your mother was expected to perform her duties at work, take care of you and James, and stay here to endure James' mistreatment? Is that correct?"

I frowned, knowing he was trying to make me see the situation from her perspective. "Well, I guess." The words didn't sound right leaving my mouth.

"I was taught that people honor their freedom, opinions, and personal agency." Xander sat up to get a better look at me. "Do you think by leaving, she was utilizing those things people honor?"

"Sure," I shrugged. "Maybe she was, but she's still my mother. Mothers are natural caregivers. You would think leaving your child goes against nature or something."

There was a pause, before Xander rested his elbows to his knees again. "Some people would argue that society places the pressure of caregiving on mothers, and that pressure can become unbearable for some."

"So, I'm just supposed to accept that she couldn't handle the pressure and abandoned us?" I shook my head, giving away that I didn't agree.

"People are imperfect, Leo. And that includes the imperfect mother. Do you agree that being a mother or a father should require a parent to sacrifice their lives or their dreams or become selfless? A sense of self is what defines a human being, and what separates people and machine. Therefore, do you see your mother as a machine? Do you wish she behaved as one?"

I turned to get a better gauge on him, suddenly taking offense even though his words were without inflection or emotion. "What are you trying to say, Xander?"

"I'm helping you view the situation from another angle," he said. "In doing so, it may benefit you."

I nodded, realizing my behavior was coming off rude, selfish, and needy. I took a deep breath to clear my head and changed the subject. "So now that I told you a secret, can you tell me one of yours?" I searched his body language, scanning for the words I sought that he refused to speak.

"Sorry to disappoint you, Leo. But I do not hold any secrets."

I narrowed my eyes suspiciously. Was he choosing what information to give freely and what to keep to himself? "What about the secrets between me and you? Those count, don't they?"

"Beside those secret, I do not hold any."

I swiveled on the edge of the bed to fully face him. Our knees touched but didn't tamper my curiosity. "Who is Rudy?"

"I do not recall."

I scoffed. "You're lying to me, aren't you?"

Xander stood. "I'm sorry to have upset you, Leo. I will now continue my duties." And out of the room he went.

Why would he mistakenly call me Rudy? Who was Rudy? I needed to know.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket, as the pad of my thumbs typed my message, my mind fogged over with likely scenarios and possibilities, but none of them added up.

"The strangest thing just happened." I texted to the Misfits. "Conference in thirty?"

"Did you find Xander's penis?" Of course, Austin was serious. "Is there a button or switch to reveal it?"

"I think something's wrong with Xander. He keeps calling me Rudy and then forgets that he had."

"So, we did break him. Damn."

Finally, Rima joined the conversation. "What did you guys do to him? Did you try to screw him, Leo?"

"What?" My cheeks grew hot with embarrassment. "No, Rima. It seems like there's more to him than we think. Much more, and not sexually."

"Ooh," Austin replied.

"Uh oh." Rima responded. "Did he put the baby in the oven instead of the chicken?"

"Stop, guys. I'm serious." I sighed, rubbing my temple with my free hand. "I don't know if the knife that fell on his foot cut some wire, or damaged a special chip or something, or if he is just keeping secrets from me."

"Whoa," Rima texted. "He sounds like a special one. Maybe we should push up our club outing. Meet him sooner."

"Yes. Conference in thirty," I repeated. "I really need help trying to figure this out."

"We got you, Leo," Rima ended her statement with a thumb's up emoji. 

~~~

Any thoughts on what could be going on with Xander?