Hey Amulets,

I hope you are all having a great day today and Merry Christmas to all my Amulets!

I know that I haven't been there as much here on Wattpad since the death of my SHINee bias Jonghyun. Yeah still grieving over him.

Okay this will be my new segment here on Amu Jane's Corner where I confess to you all my true side of me.

I have depression... Yes people I have D.E.P.R.E.S.S.I.O.N...

I had it as long as I can remember so you might have guessed it through some of books and there are more yet to come in the future.

Many people who never experienced depression in their lifetime will never understand our struggles and it's understandable we don't blame them.

In my mind all I think is that I'm not good enough, that I lack in a lot of things that I still dream in becoming an performer (Actress, Singer & Dancer) but I still not achieved them and it's not like I gave up but life hasn't been very nice to me and I feel like I'm getting too old and working in places that has nothing to do with dream career. Another I have and I know for sure many women who have depression whenever I see other females that are better looking than me with a 10 times with better make-up body shape and can pull off any outfit better than me makes feel insecure and I tend to find more loose comfortable clothes to cover as much as I can.

Although I work at a fast food restaurant my negative mind always gets in the way by saying I'm too slow, you're gonna get fired, why did I choose this kind of job? and of course I become depressed about it but I don't know how to express them properly.

When I was a child I've experienced a lot of racism just because I'm from Latin American decent, I was misunderstood at school by teachers and accused me of a lot of things that I didn't do, children from church would ignore me and I felt so alone, in my mother's country I was told I was lazy and that my dreams to become a performer was a waste of time, at school I would be isolated from everyone just because I didn't felt comfortable, my dad was barely there all he cared about was his friends and booze, at bedtimes I would cry myself to sleep.

As a teenager was hard as well I literally thought their were the best times but I guess I lied to myself because this is where my health issues came to play and I started to hate myself on how I looked because I really hated looking at myself in the mirror. As a teenager whenever I had a crush on a boy in my class at school I would keep it a secret because I was scared to get rejected, don't get me wrong I have dated about 3 guys during my secondary school era and I realized that they liked me because I was a girl with a pretty face and that was all to it, again I was misunderstood at school by teachers telling I was going to fail and going nowhere with my future without them knowing I have dyslexia . After I graduated from secondary school my mother sent to her country (Colombia) because she wanted me to study at a secondary school again, again it was hard for me I felt like an alien new faces new names and I felt uncomfortable however in that school dating was actually forbidden I trust me it was hard because I fell in love for the first time in my life with a guy who was 8 years older than me, again I kept it a secret from him because I was scared to get rejected. He said I was pretty girl it made me kinda happy but however he said he needs a real woman in his life, I was a kid so I didn't understand what he meant by the time because I wasn't a kid or an adult I felt so stuck in the middle, the teachers in that school scolded me the most because I didn't understand their theory so I would become lost & confused, again they told me I was failure and a bad student. I was labelled as a retard just because I have dyslexia and at those times I was thinking if died I guess everyone would forget who I was because I felt I wasn't even relevant to anyone I'm wasn't like other kids who have good grades. Let me tell you about college days again it wasn't easy, I went against my mother's will in wanting to study Performing Art at a college called City of Westminster College that year was not easy for me because of my dyslexia I failed that year and I felt so devastated because I did worked very hard on each assignments I was given I was told to my face that I should try acting on screen only that I wasn't fit to act on stage, I was screaming for help because I didn't understand most of their methods, Summer holidays was over and I decided to apply to another college formally called Hackney Community College (now called New City College) and the teachers were a little helpful realizing that in fact I have dyslexia however someone in my class caught my attention and he was a year older than me and we began as friends however I was slowly falling for him but he didn't saw me that way so I had to repress my feelings and continued to be friend it made depressed. He then opened up to me that he had a harsh life and it made me happy because at least I started to get to know him. We eventually started dating and my mum wasn't happy about it as she told that he was a bad influence that I should break up with him, she asked me if he loved me back and a question that I never got to ask him. We met one day and I asked him the question wherever or not he loves me back and he didn't responded but instead he changed the subject. After summer break was over my first day back to college and he decided to break up with me living me dumbfounded with a broken heart, he decided it was better to remain as friends and he already found someone new and I lasted 7 months crying over him it was hard and then I decided to drop out college because I was far too depressed to continue... I also heard many things circulated my ex who was my friend that he was never a friend to begin with he would talk behind my back and would hide away from me whenever I'm on lunch breaks from college. I came back to the same college a year after of therapy and I was worked at MTV as a cleaner where I would save up money for college and uni. College was going well and uni was around the corner to start applying for one I was easily discouraged by those close to me such as family.

Now that I'm working in a fast food restaurant I still battle with depression because in my head it still tells me that I'm not good enough for the job and why did I ever applied for it in the first place.

I hope this helps others who are currently battling with depression and that you are not alone, even I have my family I do feel lonely so I know how Jonghyun felt.

You did well Jonghyun and thank you