Brendon woke up the next day to some voices from the other room. He didn't think much of it until the events from the previous day came rushing back to him. He sat up recognizing the room he was introduced to less than twelve hours ago.

"It's okay." Brendon looked to the side to see Ryan snuggled in the blankets. Brendon could barely see his eyes peaking from under the sheets. He was able to see Ryan's tousled bed head. He wondered for a moment how long Ryan had been watching him. "Dave's just talking to Zack."

A quick image of Zack popped into Brendon's head. Ryan was eyeing Brendon as the man nodded and took a calming breath.

"How'd you sleep." Brendon relaxed back into the headboard and ran his hand through his hair.

"Good I guess. The best I could, you know, under the circumstances." Ryan nodded. "What about you?" Ryan furrowed his eyebrows.

"I wasn't the one who was dragged away from everything they've ever known yesterday," Ryan said bluntly. Brendon winced. "Sorry," Ryan added when he saw Brendon's reaction.

"I was asking because that's normally what you do when someone asks a question like that, you ask it back. I guess I just wanted to keep things as normal as I can." He offered Brendon an uneasy smile.

"That's fair. Um.. I slept fine," Ryan said with a shrug. Brendon watched Ryan as the other pushed back the covers and stretched. Brendon looked down at his hands to keep his eyes off the strip of Ryan's skin that was momentarily uncovered during the stretch.

"Just fine?" He asked to his hands. Ryan nodded and let out a deep sigh.

"I have trouble sleeping. Basic things like insomnia, sometimes night terrors. I can't really sleep alone, so it's nice to have someone like Dave who will let me sleep with them and won't be weird about it." Brendon nodded.

"So does Dave like... hold you while you guys sleep?" He frowned at the hint of jealous he felt at someone else holding Ryan at night. He shook the thought out of his head and looked back over at Ryan.

"Sometimes. Depends if I'm having a bad night."

"Was last night a bad night?" Ryan chuckled softly.

"You ask a lot of questions." Brendon felt his face go red and looked away.

"Sorry."

"It's fine." He could still hear the amusement in Ryan's voice. There was a period of awkward silence before Dave opened the bedroom door. He looked like he just got out of bed before going to talk to Zack. His hair was a mess and he only had on a shirt and boxers.

"What did Zack want?" Ryan quickly asked.

"Just telling me that he's gonna take my place when they go out today. Saw this as an opportunity to monitor Kenny." Brendon laughed when he saw Ryan grimace at the name. The two looked at Brendon almost surprised. Brendon would've guessed they forgot he was there for a moment.

"Sorry," he apologized. "I'm getting the impression that no one really likes him." The two shook their heads.

"Not really. He's a cocky asshole and for your best interest, I suggest keeping away from him," Dave warned. Brendon nodded. He'd listen to just about anything Dave told him. Dave moved back to the bed and stretched his body over the covers.

"We should probably start getting ready," Ryan suggested. Dave rolled over and groaned into the sheets. Brendon felt himself smile when he heard Ryan giggled at Dave. The smaller man began poking Dave's side.

"Five more minutes," Dave mumbled. Ryan moved to lay on top of Dave and continued poking him.

Effortlessly, Dave rolled over again, covering Ryan's body with his own. Ryan let out a grunt as the weight of Dave took the air from his lungs. He pushed up to get Dave off him, but didn't have the strength to do so.

"Your fat ass is gonna kill me," Ryan said in a strained voice. There was still humor in his tone as he tried twisting his body under Dave.

"Five more minutes." Dave had his eyes closed and a smile on his face. He made sure to keep his body over Ryan's as the smaller managed to turn onto his stomach. Ryan breath was heavier from his struggling.

From his new position, Ryan attempted to buck Dave off him. Again, he failed. Brendon bit his lip to contain his laughter. Ryan reached over his shoulder and grabbed onto a strand of Dave's hair. He gave the strand a forceful tug, causing Dave to jerk and pull Ryan's hand away from his hair.

"What the hell? That hurt." Brendon saw Ryan frown and his mouth fall open in shock.

"And I love the feeling of being crushed to death?" He reached around and pulled another piece of Dave's hair, successfully getting another yelp, but not getting rid of the weight on him.

Brendon laughed at the scene. Dave started digging his elbow into Ryan's side while Ryan was pulling a decent amount of Dave's hair. It took Brendon back to when his older brothers would tease him when he was younger.

His smile quickly slipped off his face and was replaced with a frown. His new reality settled in. He watched Dave and Ryan for a moment more before getting out of the bed and hurrying out of the room. He ignored the confused looks on the pairs' faces.

Brendon rushed into the bathroom and shut the door harder than he intended to. He went to the sink and began splashing cold water on his face. His mind was flashing with images of his siblings and parents. 

He continued to fill his cupped hands with water and wet his face. He tried not to think about how close he'd been with his family before they knew he was gay. He tried washing away the mental timeline showing a before and after of their bond when he came out.

He shook his head and left his face in the small puddle in his palm before the water seeped through his fingers. The last image stopped on his family now, the last time he would ever see them. Tears blended with the water as his breathing got heavier.

Were they still there? Did anyone fine them? Would anyone care that he wasn't a part of the bodies?

He brought his wet palm over his mouth to conceal a cry. He backed himself into a wall and sunk to the floor. His legs were bent in front of him, almost trying to curl his body up. He pressed his free hand over the other on his mouth, willing them to muffle his cries.

He took a deep shaky breath through his nose and hoped the running faucet was drowning away his unhushed noises. His tears slowly left his eyes, dripping silently onto the floor.

He cried into the palm of his hand. He squeezed his eyes shut, hoping the pressure would delete the images his mind showed him. He let out a muffled whimper while his body trembled uncontrollably.

He silently  cursed himself for going to that party all those nights ago. Cursed himself for following that boy to that room. Cursed himself for loving how that boy made him feel better than any girl ever could. Cursed because he couldn't control himself that night. Cursed that his family had to pay the price of his actions.

He didn't think he could hate himself more than he did sitting on the bathroom floor. When he heard the door open, he tried curling himself to look as small as he felt. The steps echoed in his ears until they stopped beside him.

He listened to the drag of clothing sliding down against the wall. Brendon hiccuped through a breath as an arm came over his shoulder, holding him tightly.

"You're okay." A cry pushed through the containment of his hands. He pressed the side of his face in what he now knew to be Dave's shoulder. "Let it out. It's okay." Brendon moved his hands from his mouth. One went to grip the front of Dave's shirt, the other to wipe away his tears.

"I'm sorry," Brendon breathed out, not sure which reason he was apologizing for. He looked up at Dave through blurry eyes. Dave frowned and shook his head.

"You did nothing wrong. You don't need to apologize." Brendon shook his head. But it was his fault. If he would've been normal, he would still be at home. His family would still be here. But he had to ruined everything.

He shut his eyes and dropped his head. He hiccuped another breath and sniffed.

"I'm sorry," he whispered again. "I'm so sorry." He was sorry for everything. Sorry for making Dave lie to keep him alive. Sorry for getting his family killed. Sorry for being nothing but a burden.

He looked up when he felt a hand on his knee. Ryan was squatting in front of him with a worried look on his face. His lip was turned down in a small frown and eyebrows creased. His eyes reflected the pain Brendon showed.

"You have nothing to be sorry for." Ryan's voice was more firm, leaving no room to argue. The hand left Brendon's knee and came up to cup his cheek. Ryan's thumb swiped over Brendon's cheek to wipe his tears away.

"What you feel is okay. You're not a freak." Brendon's body gave an involuntary hiccup. "How you feel about guys is natural." Ryan's voice was now tender and soothing. He kept his honey eyes locked on Brendon's chocolate ones. Brendon tried blinking away his tears as he listened.

"Love is love and some people don't understand that." Brendon hiccuped again. "It's okay to be upset about what happened, but it's not okay to blame yourself for something you have no control over."

Ryan moved his hands from Brendon's cheek down to his hand. Brendon held onto the support willingly.

"This is not your fault. Okay?" Brendon have a hesitant nod. He shut his eyes and took a more calming breath. Dave was rubbing his arm for comfort and Ryan gave his hand a squeeze. Brendon shut his thoughts away and repeated Ryan's words.

This is not my fault.

---

A/N:

It's my birthday this week and my depression thought it was the perfect time to present itself. So enjoy this result of my latest mental breakdown.