#AOT

Being busy is a blessing

I thought hard about what makes me not to end my life and that is...distractions and keeping myself  busy.

Whenever a thought occur or a trigger in my pulse, a switch would on and I'm back functioning like a robot and forgetting to be human. It's exhausting to exist, to persist and resist, more so in an attempt to fight all temptations. Being busy is both a blessing and a curse for some. Having piled up works and pending backlogs are tolerable than pondering on thoughts and past traumas thinking what went wrong? But then eventually, we get drained and want to rest.

From having late night thoughts of wishing not to wake up anymore to early mornings doing laundries and taxes.

From wishing to get hit by a bus on the way home from work to driving your kids to school on a Monday in the middle of a heavy traffic.

The thoughts of jumping from a tall building of your previous company to getting your valid ID for a new change of career.

From pulling the trigger of the last bullet you saved to greeting your new neighbor who showed up at your door asking you to fix their broken sink.

From alcohol intoxication and drug consumption for the past few months to having a cup of coffee for finals week.

From browsing the internet the easiest way to die to stumbling upon an article on how to live a better life from a cancer survivor.

And the cuts on the wrist that you ought to hide underneath your sleeves but were cought by your colleagues, so you try to deceive what they perceive of you with pretty white lies alongside your dark humour.

It's a constant battle between breathing and bleeding.

Avoided their gaze and diverted on the screen and mouth the last words you always say at the end of the day, "I can't today. I'm busy."

So cheers for showing up and having more excuses to be busy everyday. For choosing to stay and waking up another day.