Day: 971

Days Left: 4509

Lives Saved: 5

Sumit looked down at his clasped hands on his lap, sucking in a long breath. "Would you want to know why you killed someone, well... do you know why yourself?"

Rin shook her head. "I never really tried to learn more about my past. I guess I was too scared to find out the truth." Rin looked away into the distance, sighing, her hands trembling as they clutched her coat. "I've killed four people," she hushed, almost inaudible. "If it was only one person, perhaps I could have just dismissed it as being a mistake from uncontrollable anger or fear. One murder would be an accident or a regret... but four... I killed someone and continued killing." Rin shook her head, biting her bottom lip. "I don't think I want to know why I did it, though I suppose my situation is different to yours since I don't have any clues to why like you do. I don't have someone with all of the answers I can ask at any time."

Sumit nodded in understanding. "Yeah, I guess I know you who knows the old me so I'm a bit... conflicted on what to do." He paused. "Would you be able to tell me if it was for a good reason? If I killed those two people for something justifiable? Or would it be best if I just remain blissfully ignorant?"

Rin winced, still chewing on her bottom lip. "I don't know what would be best for you," she mumbled. "Sorry." She was silent for a moment, her brow furrowing as if in thought before she returned to face Sumit. "We talked about this before... about if you felt it would be better to know the reason or not."

"And what did my past self think?" Sumit asked. "Did he wish he didn't know?"

"You... he was conflicted about it. Some days he wanted to screw up that piece of paper or declare it a lie, that he could not be capable of it... or that he was wrongly accused. I think we all go through that... since we can't remember anything, we wonder if we did actually commit murder. Should we just trust the brands written on the back of our necks?"

Sumit nodded. "Yeah... I didn't even think about that possibility before." There was always a chance someone was imprisoned in the Abyss and was innocent, then losing all of their memories and believing that they were actually guilty. "So these letters that you have... you wonder if they are real or not?"

Rin nodded her head slowly. "All the time. I wonder if they are fake or if they even belong to me."

"What is in these letters? You never said."

"Just mentions meeting up with someone after a blood moon." Rin shrugged.

Sumit remained quiet, suggesting that Rin should elaborate which she did.

Rin retrieved two folded pieces of paper from her inner coat pockets. She held them in her hands so carefully as if they were delicate pieces of glass that could shatter from a mere touch. "Here," she offered the letters to Sumit. "Read yourself."

Sumit took them. Despite them being made of paper, he felt as if they were heavy from the importance inside them. He slowly opened them both and read them.

He paused after reading the two letters, then frowned. "Corinna?"

Rin shook her head. "It's not our Corinna. She hasn't been imprisoned in the Abyss long enough for it to be her. It's a popular name." She paused. "I could be this Corinna. Or I could be Rin."

"Either way, you have someone waiting for you, who knows you." Sumit bit his bottom lip, regretting saying that. It had been several years since Rin had woken up so whoever was waiting for her would likely not be in the same spot. His mind immediately thought of the worst. Perhaps they turned into a monster and were unable to transform back, or had been eaten by one. Or maybe they had lost their memories too like Rin... or they had finished their prison sentence and were free. Regardless of the reality, the chance of this person still waiting at the meeting spot for Rin were...

"I'm sorry, Rin," he said.

Rin shook her head. "It's alright." she sighed. "I suppose it is my fault for not trying to find more about my past when I had the chance. The place where I woke up, the snow, I don't know where it is. It might be on the other side of the Abyss... or it could be right next door... and then the meeting spot might not even be anywhere near there. There's not even a hint in these letters about what this spot could look like!"

She slumped against the tree and gazed up at the sky. "If I wanted to find out more about my life... It's too late."

"I thought you said you didn't want to know about your past?" Sumit handed the letters back.

"I didn't want to know anything to with my prison sentence... but family and friends... my life outside that... that I would want to know about. Who I am... even after so many years I still feel incomplete." She swallowed, and Sumit wondered if she was holding back from crying again.

"Do you want to know more about your life?" she asked him. "You told me quite a lot, the stuff you remembered, the stuff you wrote down and kept... I can tell you if you'd like."

Sumit shifted, his back straightening. "I'm not sure," he mumbled, then chuckled slightly. "Before I was so certain but now I'm sort of... scared to learn."

"What are you scared to learn about?" asked Rin.

Sumit shrugged. "I don't know, it's a bit silly. I guess there's somewhere in my mind that's telling me that I was a horrible person, I mean I killed two people so maybe there's a reason for that like I was that type of person who wouldn't hesitate. What if I've done other horrible stuff other than murder?"

Rin remained silent.

"Could you at least tell me if I would want to know about my life?"

Sumit waited for an answer, expecting Rin to reply with 'there was nothing bad in your life' or 'you would want to know', but she didn't.

She sucked in a breath and looked away. "Whenever you feel that you are ready, I will tell you."

Sumit's heart almost clamped up, shutting down. What did that mean? Did he used to be-

Sumit repressed that line of thought, of analysing each and every word of Rin's. "I suppose it is better to either know everything or nothing, not just tiny pieces." He nodded in determination. "I have to decide if I want a proper clean slate or not first. It'd be harder if I knew anything."

"That's true," said Rin. "Since we can't get memories back like everyone else, we truly do start a clean slate. We can be anyone..." She gazed up at the sky again, dreamily.

"Yeah," Sumit gazed up too. "We could become completely different people."

"Nah, you're still a moron," Rin smirked.

And that was it; the first smile of Rin's that Sumit had seen.

He could now understand how they used to be friends and their dynamic.

"Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?" Rin asked.

"Well, I-"

"Good, you can leave."

Sumit frowned, wanting to stay longer and keep talking however he still obeyed and stood up. "But I-"

"I really need to pee, Sumit," growled Rin.

"Oh! Oh sorry!"

"That was why I came over here in the first place for some privacy but you followed me."

"Sorry! Sorry I'll go!"

Laughing, Sumit left Rin to her business and returned to Oscar with the biggest grin on his face, telling him what had happened.

*

Corinna, Lili, and Rin convened for their usual scheduled meeting. Rin turned up late, her eyes red and swollen and her voice slightly croaky. When given concerned looks from Corinna, she merely shrugged them off, dismissing them and changing the subject.

Once again, there was little to report other than what was repeated yesterday and so the meeting ended quickly. Rin left as soon as she could, storming off before Corinna could pry into why she had been crying.

"If she doesn't want to talk, then that's her business," said Lili, packing up the map she had been drawing of the area. "Best not to interfere unless wanted."

Corinna chewed her bottom lip, nodding as she knew Lili was right but there was still the twisting guilt inside of her stomach from leaving Rin alone. Before, whenever Rin needed consoling, she had Sumit, but now... Sumit was no longer Sumit and her tears were likely caused by-

"Don't feel guilty about it Miss Warren," said Lili.

Corinna snapped out of those spiralling thoughts, embarrassed that she could be so easily read.

"If Miss Rin does actually want help then it is her own fault for not asking," Lili continued.

This received a stern look of disapproval from Corinna.

Lili sighed. "Yes, that is perhaps harsh to say but that this is the reality of things."

Corinna gave another look of disapproval.

"Or at least how I see things, I suppose." Lili packed away the rest of her belongings used in the meeting, about to leave.

With a knitted brow and curled toes, Corinna hesitated as she watched Lili about to leave. 

This was the time to ask. Just ask her!

"Until the next meeting, Miss Warren," said Lili, slinging her bag over her shoulder. "I shall relay everything to Princess Alfreda-" She stopped as she felt a tap on her back. Lili turned to see Corinna who was writing something on her whiteboard.

Once finished, Corinna turned it around and showed Lili.

Lili frowned, confused. "You want to learn how to fight?"

Corinna nodded, a strong sense of determination in her eyes.

"I remember, Miss Warren, that a year ago you decided to withdraw from my lessons as they were unnecessary, that they conflicted with your morals and principles."

Lili waited patiently as Corinna wrote her reply.

'More necessary, need to be stronger'.

"Stronger for what, exactly?"

'Against the monsters and other prisoners'.

"Again, does that not conflict with your ideals of pacifism?"

Corinna paused in writing, glancing down at the ground.

"Or has that changed now?" asked Lili.

Corinna winced.

"Only slightly?"

Corinna nodded. She then wrote, 'self-defence'.

"I see." Lili straightened herself. "Are you worried that these peace talks won't succeed?"

Though Corinna did not reply, it was evident in her expression that the answer was 'yes'.

"Regardless of your true motive in learning, Miss Warren, I will assist you. I need to ensure that this group remains safe, and in turn, that means everyone has to be strong enough to defend themselves and each other from threats. We are occupying land nearby a considerably large group of potentially hostile monsters and prisoners; it would be best to know to defend yourself... and to know how to fight with your mask." Lili motioned to the mask poking out of her Corinna's jacket pocket. Even if it was fully concealed, there was nothing that could hide its faint blue glow.

"Have you used it yet outside of blood moons?" asked Lili, noticing Corinna's reluctance to even look down at the mask.

Corinna shook her head.

"Why not?"

When Corinna did not answer, Lili continued, "it won't be like last time. You won't lose control of yourself so easily."

Corinna shrunk away, her body caving in on itself.

"That mask you had before was different. The one you have now is just like everyone else's. You don't know yet what it is capable of if you hardly use it, nor will you know the limits of wearing it until you have tested it."

Lili paused, seeing Corinna's reluctance slightly breaking. "It is best to test it out in a safe and controlled battle as opposed to in combat, would you not agree, Miss Warren?"

After much hesitation, Corinna nodded.

"Very good." Lili raised her head. "If you still wish to be trained, we can begin tomorrow after I have returned from scouting."

Corinna smiled, her eyes softening as she mouthed the words, 'thank you'.

Lili swallowed. "Do not be afraid, Miss Warren," then, Lili left to visit Princess Alfreda in her tent.

Day: 972

The time came for Corinna's training lesson with Lili. A part of her was anxious, almost regretting asking and wondering if it was too late to cancel, but she put away those negative thoughts aside and concentrated on the future, on being able to just walk somewhere by herself without being so scared by every sound and sight.

Stop being so stupid.

Once I regain my strength, this stupid fear will go away...

Right?

It would take years for her hands to regrow in the Eternal Abyss, and she did not have the time to wait before she could be of use to the group. No, she needed to learn to fight so that she could finally feel safe to go on missions, instead of remaining at camp twiddling her thumbs- well, waiting to be able to twiddle her thumbs again.

After ensuring that Princess Alfreda was content and had Calanthe tending to her needs, Lili turned up to the lesson. She had found a smaller clearing nearby the campsite where they could spar, close by for safety but far enough to have a bit more privacy, as Lili sensed a little insecurity in Corinna from people watching.

Lili started off the lesson with some stretches, which Corinna followed, happy to begin with something simple. She then looked to Lili expectantly for the next step.

"Alright, Miss Warren," said Lili, rolling her shoulders back. "We are both warmed up. Let's get started." She motioned with her finger for Corinna to come at her and then opened her arms wide as if pretending that she was completely vulnerable in such a stance.

Corinna froze, eyes wide, then violently shook her head.

Lili sighed. "I need to get a baseline, Miss Warren, to see how much you have remembered. It has been half a year since you have been in a fight, you will no doubt be rusty."

Corinna still protested, shaking her head, and scrunching up her face.

"The rest of the lesson will not be fighting but working on techniques and the basics. I just need you to have a good earnest go at sparring with me so that I know how to teach you properly."

Admitting defeat, Corinna nodded her head meekly, however she did not rush into the fight immediately. She stared down at her arms, the hands missing.

How?

How could she fight like this?

"You always fought with a spear, didn't you?" said Lili, snapping Corinna out of her self-devaluing thoughts. "You're not used to fighting empty-handed, you left my lessons before I could properly teach you how to." Lili scratched her cheek in thought. "Give it your best go, I am not expecting much, but that is why you want to learn in the first place." She outstretched her arms again. "Since you still want to uphold your pacifistic morals, your objective in a fight is to restrain your enemy, to prevent them from fighting. So... try and restrain me."

Corinna sucked in a breath, steeling herself.

How do you punch with a fist? How do you restrain someone without hands?

But there was one way to find out... to test it yourself.

Corinna rushed forward, raising her arm and-

And she was instantly pommeled to the ground. Lili pinned her down. Even when Corinna struggled and kicked and squirmed, she was unable to break free.

"Now," said Lili, still restraining her student. "If you do find yourself in this sort of situation, what should you do?"

Corinna tried to answer with action, but every tactic she attempted was short-lived and rendered unsuccessfully. With each struggle and escape attempt, Lili only strengthened her hold on Corinna, using what Corinna presumed was some sort of judo move with the winding limbs around her body.

"This is a move you can use easily without hands," Lili explained. "And if you adjust your arm, you can stop their breathing so they pass out if that still follows your moral code."

Corinna nodded, gritting her teeth as she squirmed, trying to roll over but was forced back on her front again, face to the ground.

"Corinna?" a voice called out. "Corinna are you-" Oscar paused as he saw Lili restraining Corinna to the ground. "How are you both?"

"I am just teaching Miss Warren how to fight," explained Lili.

"Did you at least give her a safe word?"

"I did give her a surrender signal, yes, but Miss Warren refuses to use it."

Corinna's face was turning red in frustration and anger as her next escape-attempt once again failed.

Oscar shrugged, then placed a piece of paper on the ground before Corinna so that she could read it. "Ms Ivette made some more calculations on our food situation. She wanted to run them by you first before making any changes."

Corinna read the paper whilst still restrained, then nodded once she had finished.

Oscar left, and Corinna returned to breaking free, eventually and reluctantly conceding, too tired to continue. Lili, however, was not disappointed, instead, she complimented how resilient Corinna was even in such a challenging situation, and also advised that sometimes it is necessary to admit defeat when it is impossible to win.

They continued the lesson with Lili showcasing Corinna martial arts and other combat techniques that did not require hands.

"Most opponents forget the rest of their body," explained Lili. "They use their hands and the weapons in them, but they are wasting everything else. If you know what you are doing, you can easily fight with your hands tied behind your back." She raised Corinna's arms up, positioning and moving them into the motion of a punch. "Though that does not mean that you should forget about your arms entirely of course. You are still capable of punching. The force of a punch comes from the strength of your arms and the rest of your body, not your fist. You are still hitting them with bone. The only difference is you will have to punch closer to your opponent, adjust the distance from where you stand compared to before."

Corinna nodded, a permanent smile on her face throughout the whole lesson. She had expected Lili to be easy on her, to have a simpler lesson compared to the ones half a year ago, but instead, Lili was pushing her harder, never pitying or coddling. Lili never helped her get back up, she expected Corinna to stand up herself, to keep going.

The fear to go out alone was still ever-present in Corinna's mind, but she could feel it slightly shake and dwindle from just one lesson. Lili had filled her with so much more confidence, that she was capable of defending herself just like everyone else, just with some adjustments.

"We should end it there," said Lili after realising how dark the sky had gotten. "Try and practise when you can, and I'll see if I can do another lesson tomorrow, or perhaps every other day." She paused. "That is if you would like to continue this, Miss Warren?"

Corinna grinned, nodding with much enthusiasm, mouthing the words 'thank you'.

She then thought that she had imagined Lili slightly smiling for a moment before they both returned to the campsite for food.