From around the world, thousands of athletes are flown to Beijing Capital International Airport the week before the opening ceremony of the 2022 Winter Olympics. They step out of the charter planes with their bags, immediately taken back by the brightness of a bleak and sterile environment. What catches their weary eyes the most are the watchful police in dark olive green paramilitary winter uniforms and the tireless workers in solid white hazmat suits. They're wearing surgical masks and face shields, so it's difficult to distinguish most of their facial features. Their eyes are undoubtedly solemn, however.

Just before the American athletes are escorted to a shuttle bus that'll drive them to a hotel within the bubble, they're pulled aside by health workers wanting to verify their health as part of their daily procedure from now until the conclusion of the Winter Olympics.

"Nǐ hǎo, Měiguó (Hello, America)! Welcome to my home!" A person in a full-body white suit raises their voice in excitement as they come over to the bewildered American.

"Uh, do I know you?"

"It's me, China-aru."

"O-Oh. My bad, dude. I didn't recognize you."

"It's alright-aru. Health and safety are a top priority, so I can't risk exposing myself to you." He nods out of understanding. "By the way, are you sure you don't wanna partake in the games?"

"Yeah, dude." America glances away begrudgingly. "I'm only here for security reasons."

"Uh-huh." China scowls. "Any reason to carry a hundred bags of pasta on you?"

"Food security, obviously," he touts. "My states need American-sized portions to stay in tip-top shape. They won't be able to give their best performance on empty stomachs."

"That's completely unnecessary-aru. We may have our differences, but I can assure you everyone will be fed properly during their stay in my home."

"I can't say I believe you." America pouts.

"Aiyah," China moans. "You shouldn't have bothered coming here if that's how you're gonna act for the next three weeks. I can't say you'll have a very good time here (nor can I trust you to be on your best behavior)."

"I already know that." He rolls his eyes. "Like I said, I'm only here to support my states. Speaking of whom, I don't want them waiting on me forever."

He sighs, "Alright-aru. Drop your pants, and we'll get started on your tests—"

"Uh, what?" He does a double take. "Dude, you're joshing, right?"

"For accurate results, I need to test every orifice—every orifice." China holds up a long swab in a menacing manner.

"Hell no!" America takes two giant steps back, shaking his head in disbelief. "I call bullshit! I don't care how accurate you wanna be! You're not putting that inside my butt!"

"C-Calm down-aru. It'll only take five seconds."

"No fucking way! That's five seconds too many!"

"I know it's an embarrassing experience, but I can't let you go without checking to see you're clean down there."

"Dude, I don't care! I'm not letting you go near my butt!"

"Aiyah! You don't have a choice! This is mandatory!"

"I have a right to privacy!"

"Not in my home-aru!"

Eventually, after a long tumultuous argument, China reluctantly agreed to spare America from taking another test and allowed him to leave the airport with his butt untouched.

☆☆☆☆☆

It's Super Bowl Sunday, and Ohio can't be any more excited.

The last time he got to host a Super Bowl party was in 1989 when "Joe Cool" and the San Francisco 49ers scored the winning touchdown to defeat the Cincinnati Bengals in a close game that left him with heartbreak. Professional football had since become a travesty of sadness for the state that founded the American sport. The Bengals were unable to reach that level of success they had in the '80s, spending the next three decades in bungling misery. The Cleveland Browns' misfortunes were no better or worse than theirs, unfortunately. Regardless, Ohio had to cope with college football as his only source of happiness in the fall. Neither NFL team gave him much to look forward to. There had been glimpses of hope on occasion, however, they were oftentimes dashed and trampled to broken pieces. More times than not, Ohio felt like a fool for staying loyal to laughingstocks.

But things are different now.

"I can't believe my eyes. The Bengals are back in the Super Bowl," Pennsylvania utters impressed, watching the Super Bowl LVI (56) pre-game presentation on TV from an armchair. "Didn't they win only four games last season?" She munches on a handful of potato chips.

"Yep!" Ohio smirks, proudly sporting the stripes of a Bengals football jersey in his living room. "I'm so proud of this team!"

"It should've been the Chiefs in the Super Bowl," Missouri complains under her breath, still bitter about their overtime loss in the AFC Championship.

"Boo-hoo. At least they won the coin toss," New York derides, still salty about the Buffalo Bills' overtime loss to the Chiefs in the divisional playoffs. "Fuck the NFL and their bullshit overtime rules. I had it with them screwing over the Bills."

"Can you two losers quit bitching and moaning about the playoffs?" Michigan rolls her eyes. "At least your team isn't the Lions."

"Yeah, I guess that's fair."

"Excuse me, but I don't recall sending you an invite to my party," Ohio scowls in disapproval of her uninvited appearance at his residence.

"I invited myself through the backdoor," Michigan excuses, ignoring his glares while grabbing food at the buffet table.

"Hey! Get your dirty mittens away from there!" He promptly gets between her and the bacon-cheese sliders. "Don't come here acting all willy-nilly and expecting free food from me."

She huffs, "Fine. Be that way." She shuffles back to the couch with her plate of pepperoni pizza. "Just so you know, I'm only here to capture your misery of watching another Super Bowl loss."

"Fuck you! That's not gonna happen today! There's a new "Joe Cool" in town, and he's gonna lead Cincy to a natty!"

"Ha! Let's be real. There's no way in hell the Rams are gonna lose in their home stadium (even though the Rams are technically the visiting team). I know cuz the Rams are being led by an amazing, super talented quarterback who ... deserves to ..."  She suddenly starts bawling into her 'Detroit Rams' jersey.

"What the fuck is wrong you?" New York stares annoyingly at her.

"Sorry." Michigan blinks back tears, given a tissue by Missouri to wipe her eyes. "I'm just so happy for Stafford. After spending twelve seasons with the Lions, he's finally free to pursue the L.A. Dream, play for a winning team of superstars, and get a chance to be in a Super Bowl. I want him to win this and prove all the doubters wrong."

"Wow," says Ohio in a mildly sarcastic tone. "That sounds so cool and inspirational. I hate to record your utter disappointment when they choke—"

"Bitch! Shut the fuck up!" The tears quickly evaporate from her eyes. "I swear to the football gods you won't ever see a team from your home win a Super Bowl. You'll be choking on tears and your nasty chili when this game's over."

"Fuck you! That ain't gonna happen. The Bengals are a team of destiny, and it's their year to shine after spending so many miserable years in mediocrity. Also, my chili ain't nasty!"

"If Stafford can beat the GOAT, he can absolutely beat a second-year quarterback!"

"Who fucking cares! The Bengals are winning the Super Bowl for Harambe!"

"Oh my God, you guys," Missouri groans in exasperation. "We're trying to watch the game. It's about to start."

"Whatever happens, I'm happy for either team going forward," Pennsylvania smiles peacefully.

"Who dey, who dey, who dey think gonna beat dem Bengals?" Ohio chants.

~ Nobody! ~

While watching the Super Bowl, Michigan abruptly feels a vibration in her pocket. She takes out her smartphone and sees it's an unknown number. At first, she refuses to answer it. But shortly after swiping right, the same unknown number tries calling her again. She continues to ignore it. But after calling her for the third time, she considers blocking the unknown caller until she receives a short text message from that number.

"Finally you picked up," California grumbles on the other end of the line.

"Bitch, how was I supposed to know it was you?" Michigan hisses, getting up from the couch to continue their conversation in privacy. "Did you lose your iPhone while snowboarding or what?"

"Actually, my iPhone is back home. I'm using a burner phone cuz America worries about China stealing data and whatever." She rolls her eyes, moaning, "I get that he's concerned about us triggering the censors. But it's hella annoying cuz it would've been easier to share my experiences with my followers on Instagram had I brought my smartphone."

"Sounds like I made the right choice staying home," Michigan frowns. "I like playing winter sports, but the whole situation over there sounds really shitty."

"No fucking joke. I legit thought about buying a plane ticket for a return trip back home. When we arrived at the Olympic Village, there were no hot meals, no training equipment, and no internet available to us. We also heard about Team Finland having a huge flood in their dorms and a Belgian athlete having a mental breakdown in isolation. No offense, it totally feels like we're staying in Detroit."

"Hey!"

"Yeah no for sure. Things have sorta gotten better ever since our complaints went viral around the world. Food in the dining hall still tastes like dogshit. But luckily, everyone has spared some time collaborating on a Google doc, sharing info and photos of better eateries around here. Regardless, it has been a massive struggle getting ourselves excited for the games." She sighs. "Again, no joke. We went insane seeing real snow yesterday. Utah was babbling about how fresh and fluffy it was compared to artificial snow, playing with it constantly until his face was nearly frozen. Colorado didn't even mind missing out on a medal despite it fucking with his visibility."

"That's cool, I guess," Michigan mumbles. "Is that all you wanna tell me? Cuz I wanna watch the Super Bowl without you chattering in my ear constantly."

"Oh, yeah! I wanted to call you about that cuz I tried watching a stream of the game using a VPN, but the WiFi here is still, like, total ass. Can you, like, tell me how the Rams are doing real quick? I need to leave for women's monobob which starts in about an hour or so."

"Uh, sure. Just give me a moment." Michigan heads back to the living room to check the TV. "Good news. The score is still 13–10 since I last checked. The Rams have the lead, and they have enough time to score again before the end of the first half— Ah, crap! Nooo!"

"What just happened?"

She groans, "Stafford threw a deep pass, and it got intercepted at the endzone." 

"Glad you're back to watch your quarterback choke this game away," Ohio cackles.

"Shut the fuck up, Suckeye! Your team is still behind by three points!"

~ Halftime! ~

Football resumed right after the conclusion of a legendary West Coat hip-hop and rap halftime performance. Twelve seconds into the third quarter, shortly after getting the ball, the Bengals took their first lead upon scoring an unbelievable 75-yard touchdown on their first play of the second half. It was a monumental game changer for Bengals fans. In the eyes of the Rams and their fans, it was wild to see the touchdown stand uncontested despite playbacks of offensive interference involving grabbing of the facemask. For better or worse, the Rams withheld their complaints and continued forward with the game. They needed to come up with something big, and their response after getting the ball was—bounced off the hand of a receiver and intercepted on their first play. The Rams' defense was able to mitigate the damage, forcing their opponents to put up a field goal instead of another touchdown. Regardless, the Bengals still retained the lead. The Rams could only muster a field goal in the third quarter to shorten the gap to 16–20. Of course, it wouldn't be enough to win the Super Bowl.

Into the fourth quarter, the Bengals and the Rams continue to exchange punts, unable to make crucial offensive plays due to the resilience of their opponent's defensive lineup.

"Crap! I thought they had something going for them on this drive," Ohio laments, watching the Bengals be forced to punt at their 40-yard line after an incomplete pass on third down.

"My God," Missouri yawns out of boredom, "Is nobody going to score the rest of the game?"

"Sorry that you can't appreciate a good defense," Michigan sneers.

"Well, if Mahomes was in this game, he would've easily scored three touchdowns in this quarter despite that."

"Shut up and take the L," Ohio grumbles. "Defense is what wins games, and it's helping the Bengals win this one."

"Not for long," Michigan smirks. "I'm calling it now. The Rams' game-winning drive is gonna be this one."

"Yeah, right. Stafford is gonna throw another interception and— Ow!"

"Disrespect my quarterback one more time, and I'm smashing your teeth into the coffee table!"

After making a fair catch at their 21-yard line, the Rams begin their drive with a plan in mind that'll get them across the field to take back the lead. Right away on 1st & 10, Stafford makes a shotgun pass to a receiver, gaining 9 yards on the first play of the drive. Things look promising, at first. But on 2nd & 1, their quarterback makes an incomplete pass. And on 3rd & 1, the Bengals defense stops them from gaining any distance. Suddenly, it's 4th & 1. The Rams are just 1 yard away from regaining another set of downs. They can try and go for it, but there's also a chance of failure and turning the ball over to the Bengals. Despite that being a possibility, they can't afford to play conservatively while they're down by four points. They need to score a touchdown before the Bengals have a chance to get the ball back and run out the clock. Without question, they're gonna risk it all and go for it.

"Yeah! They converted it!" Michigan hollers in excitement, seeing Cooper Kupp get the ball for a 7-yard gain.

Ohio grits his teeth, muttering nervously under his breath, "Come on, Bengals. You're five minutes away from winning your first championship. You need to stop them now."

The pressure is on the Bengals to make a significant stop. They have a job to do, but the Rams are just as determined to get the job done. Slowly but surely, the Rams are making progress, making short yet accurate passes that take them to their 37-yard line, their 45-yard line, and then to the Bengals' 49-yard line and 46-yard line. The Rams have ground the clock close to three minutes. That's plenty of time to work with. Still, they feel now is the time to get some major momentum. On 2nd & 7, Stafford takes the Bengals by surprise by completing an uncontested middle pass to Kupp for a gain of 22 yards—the first pass of their drive to exceed more than 10 yards. The Rams are finally in field goal range after ten plays. Their end goal is 24 yards away— Now, it's 16 yards away. NFL officials give a two-minute warning as Rams fans in SoFi Stadium stand up in their seats, cheering wildly for a potential comeback. All the while, Bengals fans are dreading the worst possibility and praying for a miracle to save their season.

"Come on. Don't collapse now," Ohio mumbles, pulling his hair and sweating buckets.

"Collapse incoming," Michigan teases.

"N-No way! Wipe that stupid smirk off your face! That's not gonna happen! W-Watch the Rams fumble it or make another intercept—"

"WOOOOO! TOUCHDOWN, MOTHERFUCKER!" Michigan slams down a can of Vernors on the floor, roaring exuberantly to the Rams taking back the lead.

"NO GOD! PLEASE NO!" Ohio collapses on the floor in front of the TV, watching the score change to 23–20 after the extra point. "Why? Why?? Why is this happening to me again???"

"Oh, yeah, baby! That's my quarterback! I knew Stafford could do it! I fucking told you he would get it done!"

"No! No! No!" He vehemently shakes his head. "This can't be in the end! There's still time left on the clock! I-I believe! Yeah, I believe Joe Shiesty can get the ball down the field for a field goal o-o-or even score a touchdown! I refuse to give in to despair just yet!"

Indeed, with 1:25 left on the clock and two timeouts left for them to make when needed, the Bengals can still score some points to either tie or take back the game. However, it's all up to how well they can execute the field against a Rams defense that's determined to finish the game with a dub. Right away on 1st & 10 after a touchback, Burrow made a short pass to Jamar Chase who ran it for 17 yards before going out of bounds to stop the clock from winding down. They have some momentum going for them. But like what happened in the previous drive, the Bengals fail to move the ball forward on 2nd & 1 as well as on 3rd & 1. With 43 seconds left on the clock, the Bengals call a timeout to decide on what they can do on 4th & 1.

"This is it." Ohio holds his breath. "This is the most crucial play. Please make it."

It's the moment of truth. On 4th & 1 at the Rams' 49-yard line, the Bengals make the snap to give their young quarterback the ball. Burrow looks to pass the ball to an available receiver, but he's startled to see 8× Pro Bowl defensive tackle Aaron Donald ram through the Bengals' offensive line like a bulldozer. Donald reaches out to wrap their arms around the legs of the Bengals' quarterback, intending to sack him to the ground. Burrow, out of desperation, still attempts a pass before going down to the ground. Alas, the football falls short of getting caught in the hands of the Bengals' running back, causing a turnover and enabling the Rams to run out the clock. The Bengals and their fans fall into silence as everyone else on the Rams' side explodes into a deafening roar of electrifying excitement at the end of the game.

"That was a good game," Pennsylvania smiles.

"Better than last year's blowout," New York remarks.

"C'mon, why did you have to bring that up?" Missouri grumbles.

"It's over, Fuckeye! Stafford is a fucking champion! What do you think about that, huh?" Michigan laughs and screams while running and jumping all around the room with her phone recording everything in her hand.

"Shut up... Leave me alone..." Ohio cries and moans, laying on the floor in a pool of tears.

Soon after, during the Super Bowl LVI trophy presentation, Michigan gets another call from California. "What's up, bitch! Stafford and the Rams just won the fucking Super Bowl!"

"Oh my god! Yes, bitch! That's fucking awesome!" California beams. "What perfect timing. I just called to tell you I just won another gold medal for Team USA in women's monobob."

"Cool! That's super amazing!"

"I know, right? You dudes are totally gonna watch the replays of my performance after they're done broadcasting the Super Bowl, yeah?"

"Sure. We can't wait to see it."

"Awesome!" California giggles. "Anyway, I gotta go now. Wish me luck for the rest of the events."

 "Of course. Good luck. The rest of us here will be rooting for you guys."

"Thanks a million! Bye for now!"

Michigan ends the calls before returning her attention to the rest of the room. "Okay, guys. I'm changing the channel to catch up on the Puppy Bowl. Anyone got a problem with that?"

"Nope. Not really."

"Do whatever you want. I don't care."

"Nothing wrong with puppies."

"What have I done to be cursed by the football gods...?" Ohio continues to weep while laying face down on the floor, unmoved despite his pet Eskie's attempts to comfort him over the loss.

~ Team Fluff FTW! ~

Hey, hey, daddy, give me tomato juice!
Hey, hey, mommy, hey, hey, mommy!
I cannot forget the taste of that
Buckeye candy I ate long ago!

Draw a circle, that's the Earth!
Draw a circle, that's the Earth!
Draw a circle, that's the Earth!
Hey, I'm Ohio!

Draw a circle, that's the Earth!
Looking closely, that's the Earth!
Or maybe, that's the Earth?
I'm the Buckeye State!

Ah, with just a brushstroke,
A beautiful world can be seen!
Home of American football!
I'm Ohio!

☆☆☆☆☆

+ The 2022 Winter Olympics took place in Beijing, China from the 2nd to the 20th of February without delay despite the ongoing effects of the COVID-19 pandemic. But like the 2020 Summer Olympics held six months prior, there was limited attendance, and anyone participating in the multi-sport event needed to follow strict guidelines to protect everyone's health and safety. China had gone to great lengths to ensure the success of the Olympic Winter Games, however, there was no escaping the concerns and controversies surrounding it. 

- Every Olympics has its problems. The 2022 Winter Olympics is no exception, although it's considered by some people to be the most scandalous, unwelcoming, and disappointing. Years prior, there have already been objections taken with China hosting another Olympics. Their human rights abuses alongside many problems have caused some countries, including the United States, to "boycott" and choose to not send any official delegates to attend the event. Despite its censorship laws, it's nigh impossible for Chinese officials to hide everything negative from the eyes of the world. Inadequate conditions and poor treatment have been widely documented by athletes, team officials, and reporters throughout the games. Regardless of what the world thinks, the 2022 Winter Olympics have been a huge success, according to China.

+ Initially, I had plans to make two separate episodes for the 2022 Winters Olympics and Super Bowl LVI, but I decided it would be easier to cover them both in a single episode. While I could've gone into more detail about what happened at the 2022 Winter Olympics, the cold and controversial nature surrounding the whole situation was too blatant to brush away. Nevertheless, the athletes should be applauded for their devotion to sports and celebrated for their achievements.

~

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