On the eve of the 2018 World Cup, over two hundred members of the Fédération Internationale de Football Association gathered in Moscow, Russia to debate and vote on a host for the 2026 FIFA World Cup. 

Mr. Morocco was quite anxious. He was bidding for the fifth time to host a World Cup. In his first bid for the 1994 World Cup, he lost out to Mr. America by three votes. In his second bid for the 1998 World Cup, he lost out to Mr. France by twelve votes to seven. In his third bid for the 2006 World Cup, he was eliminated after the first round of votes, in which Mr. Germany went on to win in the final round. Despite his losing track record though, there was a golden opportunity for him to possibly host the 2010 World Cup, in which the bidding process was open only to African nations. He could've won the bid to become the first African country to host the international football tournament. In all fairness, he should've won that prestigious distinction. Instead, that prestigious distinction went to South Africa by four votes. Not only did it suck hyena dick to learn that ball-grubbing bully outbribed him. Mr. FIFA had a rule in place that prevented a continent from hosting consecutive tournaments, meaning Mr. Morocco had to wait over a decade for the ability to bid again. Regardless of his frustrations, the Moroccan remained steadfast in his goal of hosting a FIFA World Cup, letting nothing deter his hopes and dreams.

'Please, Allah. Let this be the day I win the right to host a World Cup.' Morocco breathed deeply, sitting still in his chair while waiting eagerly on the other members of the FIFA Congress to vote via their smartphones within a silent fifteen-second span.

Once time was up, Mr. FIFA stepped up to the podium to formally announce the results of the election. "So, we have the winner for the 2026 FIFA World Cup: The member associations of Canada, Mexico, and USA have been selected by the FIFA Congress to host the 2026 FIFA World Cup." A respectful round of applause congratulated the North American Trio on their joint bid.

"Oh my gosh. We won," Canada awed, clasping his hands above his head.

"¡Por supuesto, ganamos! Of course, we won!" Mexico fist-pumped, unable to contain his excitement.

"Holy fuck, dudes! We did it!" America stood up from his chair, clapping his hands happily.

Morocco watched the North Americans hug and congratulate each other, feigning a gracious smile to suppress the sting of sorrow within his aching chest. "Ah, well, I suppose it was a close contest."

"Far from it," Mr. FIFA informed him in a blunt and sensible manner. "Out of the 203 members who voted, your bid only received 65 valid votes, which is around 33% of the ballot. By comparison, the United bid won with a majority of 134 valid votes, which is around 67% of the ballot."

"Seriously?!"

"You can judge for yourself in a moment when I reveal everyone's votes."

"Oye! Hold on a second!" Brazil rose with a raised hand above the other members of CONMEBOL in the audience. "What do you mean? I thought our votes were private."

"Not at all," Mr. FIFA smiled coyly. "This is one of the advantages of switching over to an electronic public voting system. It allows us to receive swift and transparent results (without stirring Mr. America's suspicions of corruption)." He pressed a button on his clicker, revealing a massive map of the world on the wall behind him that showed how each member voted in the election.

"Ah, merda (shit)..." Brazil sweated, awkwardly turning to his neighbors. "Eu posso explicar (I can explain)."

"Brasil! We had agreed to vote for the United bid! You stupid Portuguese-speaking liar!" The angry majority of South America threw bananas, mangos, and tomatoes at the Brazilian for betraying their expectations.

Canada felt the same way about France, confronting him to ask, "Why didn't you vote for us?"

"Désolé mon ami (Sorry, my friend). Morocco and I have a long history that surpasses ours," France excused, smiling in an apologetic manner

"Plus," Italy and his brother popped into the conversation in defense of choosing Morocco over the North Americans, "their home is much closer to Europe, so it's easier for us and our people to travel and watch matches if they were to take place over there, ve~"

"I guess that makes more sense than Russia voting for me," America muttered.

"You mean us, you egocentric gringo," Mexico scowled. "By the way, where's Spain? It's strange that bastardo chose to abstain from the election."

"From what he told me yesterday, he's too busy dealing with some drama going on with his national team to bother participating in the election," Romano grumbled.

"Really? That's a pretty pathetic excuse."

"Yeah, but it doesn't surprise me. I recall the bastardo rambling about how difficult it was to decide between you guys and Morocco. Something about hurting feelings and that type of crap."

"Does he take me for a pinche chillón (fucking crybaby)?"

"How would you react if he voted for Morocco?"

"Punch his face? Kick his ass? I don't fucking know." He threw up his hands in frustration. "All I do know is Portugal showing more support for me today than Spain ever did throughout my entire existence."

Speaking of Portugal, the Iberian was doing his best to comfort the Moroccan over the loss despite voting against him. "I'm sorry. I just don't think you're ready to host a World Cup yet, especially with it expanding to over 48 teams and 80 matches in 2026."

"Sure, Mr. FIFA gave me a mediocre score, but this was my fifth bid in the past thirty years," Morocco lamented. "I know I need to work hard and make improvements, but I've shown countless times my enthusiasm to host a World Cup. It deserves recognition, yeah?"

"Hardly," South Africa snickered, catching the ire of the North African.

"You!" He pointed a finger at the South African. "How can you be smug after voting against your fellow African? We're supposed to be united on a common goal!"

"United? Ha! Don't be ridiculous. We're less united than the United bid."

"That's right!" shouted Namibia and the other nine CAF members who opposed the Moroccan's bid. "We will never support nor align ourselves with a smelly colonizer!"

"Stop conspiring against me and let me be happy for once!" Morocco groaned.

☆☆☆☆☆

Winning the right to host the 2026 World Cup was just the first step for the North American Trio.

Picking the venues was the next step that needed to be addressed. Lucky for them, there were no concerns about constructing new stadiums since there were plenty of stadiums in existence that could host matches for the World Cup. All in all, it essentially came down to choice based on Mr. FIFA's standards and expectations of a host city.

As Washington D.C. learned after multiple virtual calls, she didn't meet those standards and expectations. 'Why won't he answer me?' She fidgeted with her phone, paying no attention to the states during their annual meeting.

Minnesota politely raised her voice to try and get the capital's attention. "Pardon me. Sorry to disturb you, but you should put your phone away. It's a distraction, according to Rule #47."

"This is an exception," D.C. excused in a gruff way without taking her eyes off her phone.

"Uh-huh..." Michigan gave the stink eye. "It's only an exception when it's convenient for you. Is that right?"

"It's urgent I get Mr. FIFA to respond to my request for a visit as soon as possible."

"How come? I thought you withdrew your bid."

"Only because I was unable to make a good case for FedExField without lying about the water leaks and the shitty turf. However, after some thinking, I figured I could try making a joint bid with Baltimore."

"Is that possible?"

"Possibly," said Maryland in D.C.'s defense. "We hope to boost our pitch to Mr. FIFA. If all goes well, I reckon matches will take place at M&T Bank Stadium while team camps and practice facilities take place at the national capital."

"Sounds complicated," North Carolina noted.

"Yeah." Louisiana shrugged nonchalantly. "I honestly don't get why y'all are trying so hard to win Mr. FIFA's favor. It's not like y'all prefer their football over our football."

"Regardless, it's common knowledge their football is the world sport with the FIFA World Cup being its most prestigious tournament," Maryland stated as a matter of fact. "Its popularity and influence cannot be understated. In roughly five years, there'll be another soccer revolution in this country. The whole world will be coming. The whole world will be watching. The whole world will be cheering—loudly and proudly for their team to win the World Cup. Rarely does such an international event on an epic scale happen and especially so on American soil. Should one or two of our cities be chosen to host matches for the 2026 World Cup, it'll mean a great honor with great benefits."

"Indeed," D.C. agreed.

"That's cool and all," Illinois frowned, "but I don't think it's worth jumping through hoops to appease Mr. FIFA." He pointed his thumb at himself. "Take it from me. Chicago is the third-largest city in this country. Soldier Field has previously hosted the World Cup. Yet, none of that matters to Mr. FIFA."

"To be fair, Soldier Field has many ongoing issues from what I hear."

"Whatever!" He threw his hands up in frustration. "The point is Mr. FIFA is a greedy son of a bitch who cares more about cash than soccer."

"Isn't that a shocker..." Arizona muttered with sarcasm.

"I was hoping to host matches in Minneapolis," Minnesota sighed in disappointment. "It's too bad Mr. FIFA is shady with his finances, making it impossible to negotiate for a fair contract."

"Yeah, it isn't fair for us to shoulder most of the expenses while he gets to reap most of the benefits," Michigan complained.

"It also doesn't help Mr. FIFA has particular standards," North Carolina lamented.

Indiana nodded with arms crossed. "I feel I would've remained in the bidding process had there been natural grass at Lucas Oil Stadium instead of artificial turf. Then again, it doesn't make sense how other venues with artificial turf like MetLife Stadium and SoFi Stadium are still in the bidding process."

"Probably because of big city bias," Alabama pouted.

"Denver and Kansas City are somehow still in the running," Utah remarked.

"Exactly! Big city bias! Birmingham would've been chosen had it been a bigger city!"

"No need to get so huffy about it," said Nevada in a relaxed manner. "At first, I was upset to learn Las Vegas wouldn't make the cut. But then I found out how much it was going to cost and conflict with gambling tourism. I figured on the upside I wouldn't have to deal with Mr. FIFA's stringent expectations while still profiting off the wave of tourists coming into the country for the 2026 World Cup."

"Good for you, I suppose," said D.C. as she attempted to make another call. "Unfortunately, I can't say the same thing about myself."

"Why not?"

"I have a reputation to uphold as the capital of the United States. In addition, soccer fans in my city are some of the most passionate in this country. Though I'm unable to bring them soccer matches within my borders, I can at least give them the benefit of a fan festival and the opportunity to travel not too far away from home to attend matches in Baltimore. Anything less than that would be a travesty—" She suddenly picked up a familiar voice on the other end of the call. "Excuse me. This is more important than any issue on the table today" She left the meeting in a hurry to make her case in private.

~ Nine Months Later... ~

On the day of Mr. FIFA's special announcement that was set to reveal the host cities for the 2026 World Cup, New York gathered together his fellow American states as well as the Canadian provinces and the Mexican states involved in the bidding process for a watch party at his place to potentially celebrate the momentous news.

"It's called soccer!" Texas argued.

"No, it's called fútbol!" Nuevo León insisted.

"Soccer!"

"Fútbol!"

"Soccer!"

"Fútbol!"

"Quiet down, you hosers," Ontario disrupted their disagreement. "Mr. FIFA is finally getting to the good part where he announces the sixteen cities that'll be hosting the 2026 World Cup."

Everyone gathered closely around the giant flat-screen TV in the living room, gearing up in anticipation of hearing one of their cities be named a host for the international sports event.

"So, the first cities that'll be announced will be cities in the West." Mr. FIFA opened the first envelope that was handed to him. "And I'm pleased to announce the first city, the beautiful city of Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. The second city in the West, the Emerald City of Seattle, Washington. The third city in the West, the Golden Gate City of San Francisco and the Bay Area. The fourth city in the West, the City of Angels, Los Angeles, SoFi Stadium. Last but not least in the West, the wonderful city of Guadalajara, Mexico. Congratulations."

"¡Olé! That's what I wanna hear!" Jalisco cheered, toasting a shot of tequila for himself.

"¡Bravo, amigo!" Nuevo León applauded. "Just be sure not to get into riots with Querétaro. I hate for our country to lose hosting privileges because of your frequent fights with opposing fans."

California flipped her hair with a smirk. "Was there any doubt my cities wouldn't get picked for the World Cup?"

"I'm sorta surprised the Rose Bowl wasn't chosen, given its history of hosting the final match of the 1994 World Cup," Washington noted.

"Oh, well, it's too bad. I assume it's because Mr. FIFA preferred the sleek design of SoFi Stadium despite its logistic issues. Not like I totally blame him for that reason."

Alberta stared dumbstruck at the TV screen as it transitioned to reactions from celebrities of the chosen cities, none of them located within his borders. "That's it? What about Edmonton?" He soon got over his shock, shortly after seeing British Columbia smile about her successful bid. Envy filled his throat as he voiced his disapproval of her win, "Darn it. It isn't fair."

"Huh? What do you mean?" British Columbia cocked her head at him. 

"Vancouver shouldn't have been allowed to rejoin the bid since it withdrew voluntarily years ago. Had it not been allowed, Edmonton could've won instead."

"Sorry, but you shouldn't be blaming me for your shortcomings. Canada had been pushing Vancouver to rejoin the bid after Montreal dropped out due to financial concerns." She pursed her lips. "It isn't my fault Edmonton isn't a top-three city. It'll need to try harder next time to impress Mr. FIFA."

"Why bother when cities like Vancouver are clearly more popular choices?" He pouted.

Mr. FIFA continued to reveal more cities as he opened a second envelope in his hands. "Alright, the Central cities... First up, we have Kansas City."

"Booyah!" Missouri jumped out of her chair, dancing and hopping around in excitement.

"Second, we have Dallas."

"Yeehaw!" Texas hollered happily. "Next city I expect to hear should be H—"

"Atlanta."

"What in tarnation?"

Georgia spat out her drink. "Central? Atlanta?! Does he not know where it is on a map?"

"Now we have Houston," Mr. FIFA announced next, much to the Texan's relief. "We have Monterrey. Now last but not least, Mexico City. Congratulations."

"¡Estupenda (Great)!" Mexico City beamed. "Glad to have all three of us Mexican candidates make the final cut."

Colorado shook his head in disbelief. "What about Denver? Why didn't it make the final cut? Was it because of its high altitude?"

"Sorry, dude." Washington patted his back. "Estadio Azteca is located a lot higher than Mile High Stadium, so I don't know how else to explain why it wasn't chosen."

"Beats me. It really confuses me even more seeing Kansas City make the final cut." He turned to the Missourian partying her butt off. "Did you bribe Mr. FIFA, or what did you do exactly?"

"All I did was give everything I had to offer for the love of football."

"Can you elaborate on that?"

"I mean," she paused to ponder, "Mr. FIFA told us way ahead of time it was going to be a tough contest. I had to do whatever to get his attention since K.C. didn't have the same recognition as L.A. or San Fran. That meant calling Mr. FIFA five times per day. That meant spending over $50 million on infrastructure projects. I needed to prove K.C. was the Soccer Capital of America. I needed to prove no one wanted to host the World Cup more than me. That was all it took."

"Really?"

"That and lunch at Joe's Kansas City Bar-B-Que during the tour," Missouri boasted. "I went the extra mile serving it on fancy-ass china with wine to boot. It was beautiful. Chef's kiss."

"Damn. You really went all out to kiss his ass. All I did for lunch during the tour was offer him a blunt and a plate of Rocky Mountain oysters."

"Jeez, did you actually think that would impress him?"

He shrugged. "I just thought it would be funny to watch him eat a bunch of balls while being high as balls."

Washington facepalmed. "Unbelievable..."

After more reactions from various fans and celebrities, Mr. FIFA took up and opened the last envelope to announce the host cities in the East region. "So, the first one is Toronto. The second one, Boston. The third one in the East, Philadelphia. The next one is Miami. And the last one but not the least..."

'What are the chances it's Nashville...?' Tennessee sat on the edge of the sofa.

'Please say Cincinnati...' Ohio crossed his fingers.

'Let's go, Baltimore!' Maryland prayed.

'It has to be me,' Washington thought nervously, her fingers clasped close to her lips. 'I'm the capital of America. There's no better city than me more deserving of this honor.'

"... The City that Never Sleeps—New York, New Jersey," Mr. FIFA revealed the final host city, thereby ending his announcement on a good note for residents of New York and New Jersey.

To the citizens of cities that didn't make the final cut, however, their aspirations ended rather on a sad, disappointing note.

Tennessee breathed sadly, "Welp. I know it was a long shot, and I can't say I'm surprised. Nashville is an awesome city. Nissan Stadium on the other hand isn't as awesome..."

"LOL! Can't even play soccer in Ohio!" Michigan laughed.

"Bitch! Shut up!" Ohio batted her away. "You shouldn't even be here! You couldn't get Detroit past the second round!"

"How can this be?" Maryland fell to her knees, distraught by the results. "Mr. FIFA said I had a good chance if Baltimore shared the bid with D.C. Did he lie to my face?"

"This is a travesty beyond comprehension." D.C. stood up angrily from the sofa. "I'm gonna have to launch another investigation on Mr. FIFA."

"Give it a rest," said New Jersey. "I get you're butthurt, but you won't change anything taking your frustrations out on Mr. FIFA."

She scoffed, "How can I rest when the likes of Boston, Miami, and Kansas City were picked over me—the capital of the United States of America? It doesn't make any sense."

"To be fair, Mr. Kraft did most of the talking in putting a good word for me," Massachusetts explained.

"Would you feel better if he chose Orlando instead?" Florida shrugged her shoulders. "Not my fault Mr. FIFA likes my beaches and resorts."

"Again, all I did was give everything I had to offer for the love of football," Missouri insisted. "Believe me, I'm being honest."

"Honestly, it all smells like corruption to me."

"Speak for yourself." New York rolled his eyes.

Mexico City snickered, "Pretty pathetic to see the mighty U.S. capital not host the World Cup and lose her shit over it."

D.C. gritted her teeth. "Never in a thousand years am I ever gonna forgive Mr. FIFA for making me look foolish today."

Pennsylvania gave her a reassuring pat on the back. "Cheer up and look up on the bright side. You can still do fan events, at least."

"I guess so..."

"Either way, it's more important we all come together as one for the 2026 World Cup."

"Yeah!" Everyone else cheered as they toasted their drinks. "To being united!"

~ Let's go CUM 2026! ~

Hey, hey, daddy, get me a beer!
Hey, hey, mommy, hey, hey, mommy!
I cannot forget the taste of that
Gooey butter cake I ate before!

Draw a circle, that's the Earth!
Draw a circle, that's the Earth!
Draw a circle, that's the Earth!
Hey, I'm Missouri!

Draw a circle, that's the Earth!
Looking closely, that's the Earth!
Or maybe, that's the Earth?
I'm the Show-Me State!

Ah, with just a brushstroke,
A wonderful world can be seen!
Let's rock 'n' roll to the rhythm!
I'm Missouri!

☆☆☆☆☆

+ Leading up to June 2018, there was plenty of discussion surrounding who would be the host of the 2026 World Cup. After 2002, FIFA enacted a rule that prohibited countries from co-hosting, however, they decided to make an exception for the 2026 World Cup. Canada, Mexico, and the United States had made separate bids. But in 2017, they collaborated on a "United Bid" in the hopes of increasing their chances of being chosen as hosts. Lucky for them, it worked. In the final selection, the United Bid won the chance to host the 2026 FIFA World Cup over Morocco.

+  In June 2022, FIFA made an announcement that officially revealed the sixteen cities and their venues that were chosen to host matches for the 2026 World Cup—two in Canada, three in Mexico, and eleven in the United States. To ease transportation for traveling teams and tourists, the chosen cities were divided into three regions. Making up the West region were the cities of Vancouver, Seattle, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and Guadalajara. In the Central region were the cities of Kansas City, Dallas, Atlanta, Houston, Monterrey, and Mexico City. Lastly, comprising the East region were the cities of Toronto, Boston, Philadelphia, Miami, and New York City (though the venue itself is technically located in East Rutherford, New Jersey).

- With the 2026 FIFA World Cup being the first of its kind to feature a total of 80 matches and an expanded field of 48 teams, it's practical to expect each city to host a minimum of five matches. Of course, that's speculation until FIFA releases an official schedule. That may not sound like a lot of matches for each city to host, but they'll be attracting hundreds of thousands of football fans from around the world. To these host cities, the 2026 FIFA World Cup is a great honor as well as an opportunity to advertise themselves to tourists and the rest of the world who'll be watching the tournament.

+ While the aforementioned cities celebrated the opportunity to host the 2026 World Cup, there were also several cities that didn't make the final cut for various reasons. Cities like Phoenix, Chicago, and Minneapolis withdrew their bids due to disagreements with FIFA officials over undisclosed finances and inflexible demands. Vancouver also withdrew, but they later rejoined the bid after Montreal withdrew due to the aforesaid costs of hosting the World Cup. Nashville was a final contender, though it was likely not picked in part of Nissan Stadium being in poor condition. Same for Cincinnati, but for different reasons associated with infrastructure. Denver and Edmonton were also final contenders, however, the reasons for their exclusion might've come down to isolation from other contending cities and questions regarding support for the international event. Probably the biggest snub was Baltimore–Washington D.C. Supposedly, FIFA officials gave poor marks on FedExStadium, forcing D.C. officials to withdraw their bid in favor of a joint bid with Baltimore. Their joint plan was to have matches in Baltimore while team accommodations and fans festivities took place in Washington D.C. However, that might've sounded too complicated for FIFA. Despite their best efforts, it came as a heart-wrenching shock for the U.S. capital to not be chosen to host the 2026 World Cup on America's 250th birthday.

- On a special note, one of the biggest surprises to come out of the bid was Kansas City. It's the smallest among the sixteen host cities, and it's the only one located in the Midwestern United States. Even so, the K.C. committee knew what they were up against during the bidding process. They courted FIFA officials on visits, through phone calls and online presentations, and their most promising feedback had been consistent. One source said, "FIFA came away thinking KC wanted it more than any other city. There was excitement with every interaction. Their in-person visit and presentation were the most complete and well-thought-out. It left no doubt that Kansas City would do a great job hosting games."

~

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