"I'm sick of these motherfucking pigs on this motherfucking land!" Texas rants to her fellow states while pacing in front of a messy whiteboard. "They need to go! They need to die!"

Alabama scowls. "What did they do this time?"

She slams down a basket full of melons, all of which are riddled with bite marks. "I waited months for some ripe melons! Just as I was going to harvest them, those potbellied pests ruined my melon patch! They ate my honeydew! They ate my cantaloupe! They didn't even spare my watermelons!"

Oklahoma gasps, "Not the watermelons!"

"Just get melons from the store. Problem solved," Florida says nonchalantly while snacking on chips.

The Texan gives her an indignant look. "Did I ask for your opinion?"

Louisiana raises her hand to speak. "I don't mind lending a gun for the cause, but you know as well as I do those feral hogs aren't easy to get rid of. Just how many are ya looking to kill?"

She smacks a photo on the whiteboard. "The entire family. Boars, sows, and piglets... I want them melon-eating bastards dead!"

Arkansas raises a brow. "You expect us to capture and kill all thirty hogs on your property?"

She nods her head. "As much as I prefer to do things myself, y'all's assistance will spare me some time and labor."

Florida stands up from her seat and loads up a shotgun. "Well, count me in! Let's get ourselves some hog! Yeehaw!" She unloads a shot into the ceiling.

Everyone yells, "What the fuck, Florida?!"

"Whoops... My bad..." She awkwardly grins.

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Deep in the Texas woods, Alabama sets up a feeding station in a clearing. He hasn't worked up a sweat, yet he already reeks of hog. That's because he's using a hog urine spray. Yep, it's gross to scrawny yuppies. But without it, he may as well be shouting at the top of his lungs. If he's going to hunt himself a pig, he's going to do it his way. Which is the best way according to him.

After completing step one, he proceeds to step two: head up a tree stand. A couple of yards yonder, there's a sturdy oak with a small, metal platform attached to the trunk. The perch is about twenty feet above the ground. It's in sight of the feeding station, giving Alabama an advantage over the pigs who are accustomed to looking at ground level. No pig is going to suspect an enemy in the trees, much less one making a kill from many yards away.

Once Alabama climbs up the ladder to get up on the small platform, he proceeds to sit back and relax. This is called step three: wait for them to come.

"Just three easy steps to outsmart a pig." He yawns as he leans back in his chair. "It may be hours until a sounder comes along. But when they do, they won't see me coming."

~ Hours later... ~

"Zzz..." Alabama snores in his chair, deep in sleep.

A sounder of pigs takes advantage of the unguarded feeding station before moving elsewhere.

~ Zzz... ~

Decked in camouflage from cap to boot, Louisiana and Texas wait by the truck in the middle of the woods. Texas sat on the bed of the truck, watching the GPS monitor that's tracking the bay dogs. Louisiana tends to her catch dogs, Rouge and Soul, who are eager to start hunting some feral pigs.

"Alabama thinks he can outsmart a hog," Louisiana scoffs. "Knowing him, he's probably sleeping on the job."

Texas smirks. "I can't stand waiting for hours. I prefer getting things done right away."

She chuckles, "I got you."

Bark! Yelp! Bark! Yelp! Bark! Yelp! Bark!

Their ears perk up.

"Sounds like Jazz and Lacy found themselves a pig." Texas hops off the truck. "Let's go get them."

Louisiana grabs her hunting rifle. "Come on, Rouge! Come on, Soul! Let's not keep Jazz waiting!"

They run off in the direction of the barking.

~ Hetalia! ~

Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's... a Floridan in a hot air balloon. Oh no.

"Look! I see them!" Florida points at a sounder of pigs roaming in the prairie. "Get us closer to them!" She gets her rifle ready.

The balloonist does his best to guide the hot air balloon toward the sounder which is a lot harder to do than it seems.

Arkansas frowns as he gets his gun out. "We should've rented a helicopter for this job. Why a hot air balloon?"

"Duh! Because it's legal."

"But Texas said it's ineffective."

"Less effective than a helicopter? Pfft! That's hard to believe." She starts firing at the pigs.

Already alert of their attacker in the sky, the feral pigs make a run toward the hot air balloon. Florida keeps firing her gun, yet her shots aren't hitting a target. Arkansas does his best, but he's more accustomed to hunting from a lower elevation. He can't make a hit. Their guns remain pointed at the sounder, but the hogs are getting farther away from the balloon.

"Come on! We're losing them! Turn this balloon around!" she nags the balloonist.

"I-I'm getting to it."

"They're getting away!"

Arkansas groans, "This is why we should've gone with the helicopter."

She pouts. "I'm not letting them get away!" She pushes the balloonist aside.

"W-Wait a minute! You can't control this thing!" the balloonist protests.

"Just watch! We're going to get those hogs!" She messes with the burner.

Whatever Florida is doing to the balloon, it seems to be working. The balloon steers toward the direction of the hogs. By the time they catch up with the pigs, the sounder have disappeared into the forest, making it difficult to get a clear shot of the pig. To add to their difficulties, the hot air balloon is descending onto the canopies, getting dangerously close to the ground.

"Florida! Get us up! G-Get us up!" Arkansas grips the basket's railing.

"I-I'm trying! I'm trying!"

"M-Miss! Let me!" The balloonist tries to nudge her away.

"No, I got this! I got this under control!"

"Aaaah! We're going to crash!"

"Brace yourself!"

"Stop screaming! We're not going to-"

Crack!

The balloon snaps through the trees.

"Aw, shit." She shrugs. "Oh well. I tried."

"Aaaaaaahh!" They brace themselves for a rough landing.

The snapping branches force Alabama awake. "Wha-What?" He looks up with astound eyes. "Ah, shit!" He hurries down the ladder, running for his dear life.

The branches soften the crash, but the crash is nevertheless a disaster, just like this failure of a hunt. Arkansas, Florida, and the balloonist exit the basket with minor scratches. Other than the feeling of defeat, they appear okay for the most part.

Bark! Bark! Bark!

Texas's Blue Lacy is the first to arrive at the scene. Louisiana and the rest of the dogs catch up to find everyone in a daze. "Is anyone hurt?" she questions.

"I'm alright," Alabama grumbles as he stumbles out from behind the trees.

Arkansas groans, "Never... trust... Florida... again..." He falls back on the ground.

"At least we're alive!" Florida laughs.

"My boss is going to kill me..." the balloonist cries in front of the torn balloon.

~ Hetalia... ~

By the end of the day, the group settles on killing a single hog. Texas and Louisiana gloat about their successful hunt, much to the ire of the rest of the group. Despite their complaints and excuses, they can't deny a good barbecue. While Texas and Louisiana roast the whole hog, the rest of the states settle around the picnic table, talking about their day so far.

Grunt! Snort! Oink! Oink!

Arkansas looks over at the tawny piglet in Oklahoma's arms. "What do you plan on doing with the piglet you trapped?"

"Raise him up-" The piglet breathes out a sigh of relief. "-until he's fat enough for harvest."

The piglet's eyes bulge out of its sockets. "Squee! Squee!" It struggles to escape.

"He already looks pudgy." Florida pokes at the piglet's round tummy, making the piglet struggle even more.

"Probably from all those melons he and his family ate," Arkansas grumbles while tending to his wounds.

"Why not cook him now?"

The piglet brashly shakes its head. "S-Squee! Snort! Squee!" Translation: "H-Have mercy! I'm too young and lean to die!"

"You plan on selling his carcass?" Alabama asks.

"I actually plan on slaughtering him myself. I'll probably make some pork sausages out of him."

The piglet makes a sad snort. "Grunt..." Translation: "Please don't..."

"I bet he make a nice pork tenderloin sandwich," says Arkansas.

"If I had my way with that piggie, I probably turn him into some pork chops." Alabama drools at the suggestion.

"S-Squee! Squee!" Translation: "D-Don't encourage him!" The piglet gives off a loud squeal when his uncle's roasted carcass plops onto the picnic table.

"Dinner's ready!" Louisiana beams. She swings down a large, butcher knife onto the pig's left side, making quick work on turning the pig's insides into a steamy pile of pulled pork. Everyone except the piglet admire the spectacle.

The piglet goes limp in Oklahoma's arms. "Grunt..." Translation: "This is my future..."

Texas chuckles as she sets down a tray of sliced watermelons at one end of the table. "Good news, y'all. I manage to find some undamaged watermelons on the farm."

"Sweet!" Oklahoma reaches over the table to grab a slice.

"Nuh-uh!" Louisiana smacks his hand before he can grab one. "Everyone, wash your hands first. Have some manners."

Everyone groans, "Yes, ma'am."

Just as they're heading over to the nearest sink, they hear a faint rumble. It sounds like hooves trampling the ground. At first, they think it's Texas's longhorns. But as they continue to stand still, the rumbling grows louder and louder, coming closer to them.

Florida spots something in the direction of the setting sun. "Is that a dust storm?" She points at an incoming dust cloud.

"That looks too small to be a dust storm." Oklahoma squints his eyes. "Are those...?"

The piglet's ears perk up when it recognizes the familiar squeals. "Oink! Oink! Oink!" Translation: "Mama! I'm here! I'm here!"

The head sow leading the drive of feral pigs bellows a loud shriek. "SQUEEAAALL!" Translation: "CHAAARRGE!"

Texas grabs her handgun out of the holster attached to her belt. Before she can make a shot, Mama Pig flips the picnic table over, spilling everything onto the ground. All hell breaks loose.

Arkansas gets knocked over by a couple of sows. Alabama tackles a young boar to the ground and starts wrestling with it. Louisiana runs and swings her butcher knife around like a machete. Her dogs follow her lead and attack any pig that gets close to them. Florida shoots in every direction: the sky, the ground, and anything that moves, including her friends who try to avoid getting shot by her. Texas yells at her to stop, but she doesn't hear her. Texas aims her gun at the sows stomping on Arkansas. She pulls the trigger. A boar gets in the way and takes the bullet in the shoulder without flinching. He charges at the Texan, but Texas's Blue Lacy nips its nail to distract it from attacking her owner.

"Arkansas!" Oklahoma drops the piglet in order to save his neighbor from the angry pigs.

The piglet squeals in delight, free from becoming a pork sausage. They skip over to their mama with a wagging tail. "Oink! Oink!" Translation: "You came back, Mama! You came to save me!"

"Oink, oink, oink, oink," Mama Pig grunts as she and her sisters chow down on barbecued pork and watermelon slices.

"Squee! Squee!" the piglet squeals with shocked eyes. Translation: "Mama! You're eating Uncle Paul!"

"Grunt?" Mama Pig tears into Uncle Paul's roasted skin. Translation: "Am I?"

"Squeal!" The piglet nods.

Mama Pig continues to gobble up her sibling's cooked flesh. "He tastes delicious! He tastes better than your youngest brother," she says in her grunts.

The piglet gasps on the verge of tears. "You mean Little Lucky?! You said he died in a dark place."

"He did die... in my belly! He cured my anxiety which is nice of him to do!" Mama Pig makes a silly snort.

The piglet can barely stand on their feet. "Grunt, grunt..." Translation: "You're no different from humans..."

"Aaaaaaah! Noo! Not the raspberries!" Texas screams at the swine sweeping through her summer crops like a swarm of locust.

Results of The War on Wild Pigs

Americans - 0 | Wild Pigs - 1

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+ Domestic pigs were first introduced to Texas by Spanish explorers in the 17th century. They were free to roam the land until they were needed. However, many of these pigs ended up being abandoned during economic downturns and war times, forcing them to fend for themselves. By the 1930s, European wild hogs were introduced to Texas as a sporting animal. Some of the European boars escaped and bred with feral domestic pigs, creating a hybrid that was able to proliferate and adapt in various habitats in present day America.

- According to various studies that were published in 2018, there are 5-6 million feral pigs in the United States, and the population is rapidly expanding. In Texas alone, there are 2.6 million pigs that cost the state around $50 million dollars worth of agricultural damage per year. Besides damages to agriculture, feral pigs are also threatening native wildlife with its omnivorous appetite (they're known to eat fawns, calves, and cannibalize on their own young)! In order to keep the population of feral pigs at a stable level, the state must harvest 66% of the population per year. As such, Texas is one of many states that allow the hunting of these vermin throughout the year with minimal restrictions required to hunt them.

+ Like rodents, feral pigs have a unique biology that allows them to grow and produce rapidly. They can live for up to 8 years which sounds short, however, a sow is breedable by 6 months of age. From a single sow alone, she can produce 2 litters of up to 12 piglets per year. Do the math, and it's pretty scary to think about. Keep in mind, unlike rats, these huge, heavy hogs sport razor sharp tusks that are large enough to ward off some predators which sadly aren't enough to control the population.

- Despite their ugly appearance, feral pigs are incredibly intelligent, making them harder to hunt as a result. The most common hunting method is using hunting dogs to track, tire, and capture/kill the pigs. Other methods include: stand hunting, trapping, and the use of helicopters. In September 2017, the State of Texas have legalized the use of hot air balloons as another method of hog hunting (although many Texans express doubts of this method being effective). Even with all these options available to choose from, many pigs are able to avoid and outsmart hunters, leaving many hunters empty-handed by the end of the day. As of 2019, poisons and contraceptives are being tested and considered as ways of controlling the feral pig population.

~

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