I'm seriously starting to think I can't put up with all of this madness.

My hometown where nothing exciting ever happens gets attacked by supposed fantastical non-existing creatures, one of those night morons kidnaps me and starts telling a story even the stupidest most naive toddler wouldn't believe, and my thought long-gone grandmother is using voodoo to contact me. And I didn't even mention everything !

I've never thought I would actually miss school one day.

Well, the idea of waking up early still bothers me extremely but at least I didn't have to deal with some vampiric asshole's teenage crisis or playing riddles with my supposed missing grandma.

It's not exactly school that I miss, rather my freedom. My life. If I could get rid of everything I just mentioned, that would be the dream. Including having someone to wake me up, no matter the time it could be.

I sigh, loudly, forgetting that I had to avoid making any noise, at all costs. I even forgot why.

— You're awake ?

Ah yes. Okay. I remember now.

I was so desperate to make him leave, so determined to continue to sleep, I started sighing again and for some realism purposes I started making sounds... I'm not proud of.

What wouldn't I do for some more minutes of sleep ? I need to rest.

My not that great of a plan was to make him believe that it was all a part of a dream I was dreaming, and that I was, in fact, still sleeping therefore no reason to talk to me or try to get a reaction from me. That sigh was just me dreaming !

Some shady dream, I have to admit, but hey ! Common human beings don't control their dreams.

— Julie, stop. Please. It's embarrassing.

But... How ?

I don't give up though. Maybe he'll just realize he's wrong and go away.

— Julie, please.

He has to go.

— Julie. I really don't have time for this.

What are you talking about, you stinky bat ?

— Well, okay. I'll just leave the pizzas here. And if you ever had in mind to start some career in Hollywood, for humanity's sake just... forget about it.

Wait... That was Max ? I was so focused on wanting to go back to sleep that I didn't notice the voice wasn't Augustus'.

The fact that he guessed for my plan was beyond embarrassing but nothing proves that I was awake ! If for some reason the topic comes around again I'll just outright deny.

He said he didn't have time but-

Hold on, did I hear well ? He used the plural form ! He left more than one pizza !

My Hero !

I lock the perimeter tightly with my eagle eyes wide open and ninja-step off to look for the pizza boxes.

That smell... Paprika ?

I never tasted it before, so, better be safe than sorry. I took a sample and put it softly on my hand, fearing to be allergic to this new thing I never tasted.

Nothing to report, so I took a slice to judge whether I liked Paprika or not.

Um, not bad.

How reckless of him ! Why didn't he just stick to the list I gave him ? What if I had an allergy, or worse, if I didn't like it ?

Now that I have acces to taste pleasure once again, there's no going back to eating... Whatever the hell those night leeches were giving me.

— Julie ?

I froze.

I did leave my precious bed, while my initial strategy was to play dead so I could win some sort of tranquility.

At this point...

— What ?, I said, turning around to face him.

— I'm feeling like you're avoiding us. said Augustus.

— Who, me ? I don't see what you're talking about.

— Why ? he said, as if I wasn't just denying. Or maybe I wasn't convincing enough ? To be fair, I didn't really try.

— Why ? YOU EVEN DARE TO ASK WHY ?

— I mean, you're supposed to be the Lord's teacher, it's only natural we'd ask you if we can't understand something.

— First of all, I'm nobody's teacher. I'm just, let's say, occasionally coach of soulmate-ism and hostage of my so-called student who keeps acting like everything's normal and every single one of my actions is from my own will.

— You're not really acting like an hostage.

— AND BY THE WAY ! I went on, as if I didn't hear him. What am I still doing here ? He found his soulmate, didn't he ? According to our deal, I should be free now, shouldn't I ?

— About that...

— But nooooooo ! You played the "we're not sure" card ! Of course ! They only exchanged cellphone numbers ! You're being wiser by waiting to be sure, eh?
BOLLOCKS !
Did you wait to be sure before kidnapping me, HUH?!

— It's not...

— Not the same thing ? OF COURSE ! What did I expect, apologies ? Tsss.

— FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND/OR WHATEVER YOU BELIEVE IN WILL YOU SHUT UP AND HEAR ME OUT ?

It was the first time I ever heard Augustus yelling, or even getting mad. Until now he always had that mischievous grin and seemed as calm as the dead sea. I felt proud. I finally got that irritating ice block to express feelings ! Of course, showing any sort of excitement was totally out of the question. 

Anyway.

— Okay go. I said before putting the last slice of the paprika pizza in my mouth, already thinking about the next flavor.

— It's not going very well between them.

Can't not think about what's waiting for me !

— Meaning ?

— They...

I wonder what are the other toppings.

—"They..." What ?

Please, not pineapple !

— I... Don't think it's her.

— Gus, love ain't easy. It is what it is. They'll find a way.

Or maybe it's not that bad ?

— She told him she never wants to see him again.

I never had pineapple my whole life. In any form.

— Also, I don't exactly see how they could build something together if she doesn't even know what he really is. A vampire. 

Guy's sentimental. Where was I ? Ah yes, the pineapples !

— Let him tell her later. For now, they just need to fall in love. We'll see then for your... Vampire thingies.

I always thought it was atrociously bad because Twitter folks would always tweet about it. Pineapple pizzas, of course. I don't know about the fruit.

— And if it wasn't her ?

— It's too late, now. You have a description, it matches, she's legal, that's it. It's her ! No need to further discuss it. Since the dawn of times couples been keeping score, all day everyday. But it's fine, we will all be okay.

They've been saying it ever since before I was even born. Nobody can elaborate such a lie that keeps going on for generations !

— But... The prophecy...

Or can they... ? One would argue that's the whole point of internet's forums.

— Don't you dare tell me I was the one it mentioned in the first place ! I thought we agreed ; you misinterpreted it.

I rather think that it's a big joke but as long as I can convince them to change target and leave me alone...
They never seemed to stop and think about where that prophecy is from and how was it written.
I don't care, if I can't convince them to drop it I'll just play along and make them focus on some other poor unfortunate soul.

— Okay then I will... Go cheer up Lord Vladimir.

— Go ahead. I said without even looking at him.

And that's how the poor unfortunate vampire's hostage who asked for nothing returned to her multi-flavoured pizzas.

I wish that could be the end.