Sehun: I want you Y/n. I need you
I still had no idea how my luck got extremely good at love by then. Out of blue, getting luck of love from two men suddenly. I blamed god for bringing that luck at the same time. He should've given that luck in my middle school, highschool or even before my dad arranged me with Chanyeol. Now that I was trapped. To be honest, I loved the attention I got from both of them. I loved that I was the motive for their fight, for their sadness or happiness. But I couldn't be more indecisive and selfish

Y/n: Sehun-ah
I leaned closer to him reaching for his hands in mine longing him to meet my eyes. His teary eyes finally looked me in the eyes with so much uncertainties and fear. Sehun could pick out any girl with his looks and talents but the fact he's crying over me didn't feel right. I felt sad for him too

Y/n: I love Chanyeol
As soon as I confessed, his scowl influenced his whole visage showing his disapproval in a wild way. His face winced cutting out of eye contact we had and struggled to break my hold on his hands

Y/n: Wait, wait, listen to me. Listen to me. Ok?
He stopped struggling from my hold and sagged his head into lower level, making me feel more guilty. I couldn't utter a word waiting for him to descend down from his exhaustion. His jaw wasn't as smooth as before a little uneven with baby beard and he seemed reckless and careless upon himself in these day. I didn't know who to blame for his drastic situation, me? Chanyeol? Or just Sehun. I just knew he needed someone beside him and I wanted to ease his pain

Sehun: Talk to me Y/n. Something? Anything. Just talk to me
By the time he acted normal back, his thumbs were running across my wrists and fingertips as slow as he could. It's very relaxing and soothing, but I couldn't bring back the feelings I had for him. He's now a friend for me, not more than that

Y/n: What were you doing these days Sehun?
As least hopefully to reduce his anxiety, I made out a question as he wanted me to start a conversation with him. And it made it count judging upon the colour change of his expression

Sehun: I did nothing. Literally nothing. I tried to be nothing
His confession showed pain he had suffered and thoughtfully, he was in pain by now too. He had his own life with his family and career not nothing. He shouldn't be titling himself as nothing, cause at least once, he was my love and even though we weren't together now, he's still a precious existence for me

Y/n: What are you doing to yourself Sehun?
The only expression he held over his visage was decay, pain and devastation. He's making me feel guilty just at imagining how he'd live past months with such wrong opinion. The breathtaking smile took place on his thin small lips, while shaking his head repetitively pulling me closer to him from the bond of his grip on my hands

Sehun: I still matter to you right? Y/n? You still care me right?
There was anticipation in his eyes, appealing for my mercy of telling him he was still my matter, even if I had no more interest in him. He didn't deserve that all. He shouldn't be begging for it right now I assumed

Y/n: How can I not, Sehun?
With that, his beautiful satisfaction displayed on his cordial smile. Beautiful a lot. I still blamed myself for not realizing this man was a vulnerable being and I couldn't help but had to break his heart over and over again, like now

Sehun: Mom doesn't like that I still have feelings for you, Y/n
Of course, I already calculated that. Back to that day in third year in uni, Sehun sneaked out of his house due to my order back then. And when he again sneaked in back inside, his mom caught him going out late and scolded him loud and painfully. He even got teased as a mama boy by me after that night. He really did scare so much to his parents, but it wasn't unlike to me too. I also scared and admired my dad so I shouldn't make fun of his obedience back then. Whatever, unmature days

Sehun: She restricted me from contacting to you too
Now that all made senses. He didn't contact me not because he had moved on, but because his mother didn't like that idea. And once again, he made me feel bad for blaming that he had moved on unknowingly

* How many times would you make me feel guilty, Sehun? *

Without my acknowledgement, he had claimed the space on my laps as his pillow, eyes shut closed, breaths held tightness, body tensing up and the grip on my hands never seemed to let me go soon. At that moment, he eased down on me lightly giving into the nothingness around him

Sehun: She wants me to go to Australia again Y/n, and is forcing me too
His jam was worse than traffic jam. His mother was obviously wanting to push him away from me as far as it could go. But it's not her fault I understood. It'd be the best way but Sehun didn't seem to approve that idea and it'd only descend his anxiety to a next level

Y/n: Wouldn't you like to go there?
He jerked his head from left to right immediately rejecting

Sehun: No, not at all
His answer was as how I expected but something was clearly off, as if I was hidden from something which was something I needed to know. Suddenly, his orbs were unblinded staring straight into my eyes releasing a sigh of relief, as if figuring me out in his sight comforted him

Sehun: Do you want me to go?
Right that time, I was confused. I just wanted to let him know that I was nothing to give him my opinion at this important matter, and he's no need of situation for my decision

Y/n: Sehun-ah, I-I don't know what to say
I stuttered in frustration. That kind of decision wasn't meant to come from me. Also I wasn't brave enough to tell him I didn't wanna make a decision behalf of him

Sehun: Shush, shush, it's ok. Just stay like this for awhile
After that, he just brought my hands to his face blessing them with kisses, and I could feel him smiling innocently against the skin. It gave churns to my stomach to let it happen longer

Y/n: No, no. Sehun, get up
I shrugged off the frustration amd hesitation from my blood and demanded him, just to receive the disappointed gaze from him

Y/n: We can't do this. No no, I can't do this. I love Chanyeol. I'm sorry but I have to go
I walked around to his door opening it ready for him to get off. He still remained to stare at me lifelessly till I left the parking. His silhouette from the car mirror oozed out towards my guts. I loved him. I did. But not like before. I couldn't stand him yearning for me any longer knowing that's never gonna happen for me to love him again

It wasn't easy for me to leave him alone without pretending I still loved him to comfort him. Tears escaped out of my eyes pooling down my cheeks rapidly. My compassion for him was real though my feelings for him expired for a long time

* He'll be fine. Telling the truth is better than lying. He'll be just fine. I'm sorry. I'm sorry *
At last, I couldn't hold it anymore and let the tears spilled again shoving my car somewhere by the road. The only sound echoed across the secluded road was my chaotic sobs. I couldn't help my hands banging the dashboard repeatedly creating grumbles and cracks, retaliating the unknown destiny which meant us to be in this situation

~•~

Chanyeol: What's wrong? Is everything okay?
Chanyeol joined my movie night with a bowl of popcorn in his hands, extending some for me graciously. At his soothing tone, I gave him an assuring nod that I was fine and smiled happily at least he's there for me to take away my exhaustion. As always, he was there beside me from time to time glimpsing at me to catch my demeanor, while I gazed at the tv screen not getting the whole storyline of the movie well. But at last, I totally forgot my environment and moulded into the character of movie

Y/n: Ouch, why did she do that? Poor Samson
I exclaimed unfairly staring at the male lead got betrayed by his love and lost all his god strength and power. Anger raced in my tone tensing up the air with injustice. In movie, good guys always suffer and that's like a tradition for movie industry. I shook my head with a wince on my face shoving another popcorn inside my mouth. There, the bad guy, prince of the Philistine captured Samson and whipped him in the prison. Samson was blinded by his blade and now that his both wrists were chained to the ceiling. He must have been in dark and in pain. The love of his life betrayed him and to think thoroughly, he had nothing at all. The poor Samson

Y/n: No, no, oh my gosh. Please. Why the hell are they beating him? Gosh....
Clenching my heart with my palm, I let out a heavy sigh without cutting off my gaze from the tv screen. The citizens were throwing plops and rocks to Samson who was dragged by the servant of Ralar, the prince. They were practically making fun of him and calling him murderer or some stupid excuses to beat him, and the Samson was stayed fixing to the ground under their kicks. I totally couldn't stand that kind of torture and ill-treatments

And again tears got an escape from my orbs soaking my face wet flowing unstoppably like a river. For moment, I forgot the presence beside me, who was extending his hand to grab the hand on my chest squeezing it comfortingly with an amused expression. I was startled at his touch and quickly removed the tears from my face with my shirt sleeves. But he stopped the movements by gripping my wrists tightly and plopped them at each side of me, before coming over to wipe my face with both of his thumbs

Chanyeol: Are you always this emotional? It doesn't sound like you at all
His research was quite premising like he had been knowing me for decades. And I slapped his hands from my faces and shook my head replying his earlier question

Y/n: No not at all. Just this movie is so good, that won my tears
At the end of my brag, I returned back to the movie and focused till the end of it without making any drama from time during it. I was kept throwing the popcorns to my mouth and I didn't realize I ate the whole bowl at the end of the movie. And the sleep was threading me to fall down with a yawn

Y/n: I need to sleep, hwaaaaaa
My arms strengthened out to the ceiling and I snapped my head to left to right bringing my steps closer to upstairs bedroom, along with Chanyeol beside me

~•~

Chanyeol: Are you okay? You seem a little frantic lately. Wanna tell me why?
He had me in his arms while his palms were just messaging my belly flat and nice. The warmth of his breath caused by his speak, awakened the hair on my neck giving me chills throughout my body

Y/n: I'm just replaying how things started and twisted back at my life. And how I got to be snuggling in your arms now
I could say he was pleased by my choice of words, since he tightened the grip on my waist slowly nuzzling his chin on my neck

Chanyeol: You made me cry a lot, Y/n. A lot
The conversation was getting full of giggles and ease. He just made me smile hearing him crying pathetically. That would be a nice view

Y/n: Oh really? Then tell me. How many times did you cry?
It was full of tease in my question mocking him a bit at crying, since he's an adult man and cried. I just felt sorry that I didn't have to witness that. But Chanyeol's tone wasn't full of fun at all as if he's meaning every letter of his words

Chanyeol: Not how many. It should be how much
He remarked with a bit of anger making me imagine his pouty face though he was behind me. I kinda felt like lifting up the mood thinking of a better joke aside

Y/n: You cried cause I humiliated you by hitting you with my bag, in front of every students back in uni, aren't you? And those bimbos chicks left you since you're a coward, right? Hehehe
I almost got crazy at my own joke and laughed like I could die right now pressing my hands on my belly above Chanyeol's palm. It always was a new that every girl liked Chanyeol and also even if he just gave a girl a glimpse, she couldn't stop bragging about that. That much, Chanyeol was really popular

Chanyeol: Look at me, Y/n. I'm not joking
He flipped me around laying his hands under my waist, bringing me closer to his chest in a second. But still the tease on my face wasn't fading away since once I mooded on my funny side, I couldn't stop asap. I stared at his face not being convinced at all still holding back the smile in my mouth

< END OF CHAPTER 30 >