Episode 2: chefs table

About: the heat rises in the first challenge of the season and not just because of the contestants unrealistic beauty, will they be able to cope under the immense pressure of an angry chef?

Duration: 55 minutes

PLAY

SCENE: ridiculously white kitchen that will probably get stained by Dionysus' wine later on, looks like a typical Gordon Ramsay type of kitchen. Very neat (not for long) Hades is shown examining a yeast packet

PERSEPHONE: [ puzzled ] The cameras are rolling?? Why are you making bread now?

HADES: I need something to... wheat

PERSEPHONE: But the show -

HADES: At wheast I won't be hangry

Once again the camera pans between the couple, zooming in a little more each time. Very reminiscent of the office and other iconic shows. After a few moments HADES sighs.

HADES: Like yEAST

PERSEPHONE'S face stays blank as she faces the camera

PERSEPHONE: Today! Our contestants will be facing each other in a cook off. Hades?

HADES: [ is currently trying to put a loaf of bread into the oven ] yes, dear?

PERSEPHONE: Get the contestants.

[ Insert overly edited transition that was probably used in an Indian drama one time ]

Contestants are in rows; tallest at the back and shortest at the front.

HADES: Today, we will be presenting you with a dish that you must recreate to the best of your nonexistent abilities in your teams.

HERMES: [middle row] Do we get to pick the teams?

HADES: No, but volunteers for team captains may step forward.

ZEUS takes a step forward from his spot on the front row, though he believes that he's only there because HERMES is secretly wearing shoes with a heel. ARES and ATHENA also step forward.

HADES: Huh. Well, this is interesting. Allow me to read the teams out and I'll see if you're still interested. Now, I want to emphasise that Persephone and I had no say in the teams, it was all the producer. Who is a drama thirsty person and if we don't do as she says she'll cancel our show.

Very nervous glances are shared

HADES: In team one, we have: Aphrodite, Hermes, Demeter, Hestia, Hera and -

HERA: [ whispering ] not Zeus, not Zeus, not Zeus , not Zeus , not -

HADES: Zeus! Oh shit wait -

HERA: [ not whispering ] Ah fuck me.

ZEUS: Yeah I've been trying -

HERA: You little -

HERMES: Now, THIS is the temperature I like my tea to be.

HADES: [ yelling over the commotion ] AND IN TEAM TWO: everyone who wasn't called out.

PERSEPHONE: You can't just do that.

HADES: Well I mean, why not? They know who they are.

PERSEPHONE: Just call the names out.

HADES: Team two: Apollo, Hephaestus, Ares, Athena, Artemis and Dionysus.

ARES AND ATHENA: I'm team captain

PERSEPHONE: Why don't you both be captain?

ATHENA: That's too logical for him

ARES: Actually, I don't mind sharing the position

ZEUS: Hear that, Hera? They share positions.

HERA: If you don't stop talking, you'll share a grave.

PERSEPHONE: Contestants, this is the dish you will be recreating, [ lifts silver dish lid thing to reveal a tomato soup ]

HADES: Ew tomatoes

PERSEPHONE: if the team captains could come up and taste it.

The captains taste the soup and Ares' face turns red and he drops the spoon and coughs into a napkin

ARES: [between choking] It's spicy

ATHENA: It's just lemon juice?

ARES: oh.

PERSEPHONE: You have two hours for this challenge! On your marks -

HADES: GO! [ PERSEPHONE looks at him like wtf ] I'm impatient, you know this.

Frantic montage of the time passing and various kitchen catastrophes. At 30 minutes to go, the ceiling has a hole in it, the walls are no longer white and are instead a burnt orange and the majority of team 1 are arguing

APHRODITE: [ waving knife in the air ] Zeus, just because Hera didn't chop off your dick, doesn't mean I won't.

ZEUS: Just get her to talk to me, at least.

HERA: [ completely ignores Zeus ] Aphrodite, I have the cream and the herbs for the top of the soup.

APHRODITE: Great! Where's Demeter?

HERA: Harassing Persephone about her relationship with Hades, I think they're trying to get her thrown off the show.

ZEUS: It's not like she's doing anything wrong as such.

HERA: of course you would think that.

ZEUS: Calm down.

APHRODITE: Here we go.

HERA: [ voice rising ] Calm down? You want me to calm down?

ZEUS: That's what I just said.

HESTIA: Hey guys, why don't we just focus on the challenge?

HERA: [ voice is significantly softer ] Honey, we will after we're finished here. Why don't you go help Hermes with plating?

ZEUS: What can I help with?

HERA: Well for some reason, you think that you can help with increasing the world population but -

Camera cuts to HERMES who is recording HEPHAESTUS repeatedly giving himself splinters from trying to DIY a plate. HESTIA joins him. Until yelling arises from team 2.

ARES: [ claps after every syllable ] THERE IS TOO MUCH SALT.

ATHENA: [ also claps ] THERE ISN'T ENOUGH.

ARES: Who's team captain?

ATHENA: Me.

ARES: oh yeah.

HADES: Family disappointments! Apart from you, Hestia, you have 5 minutes.

Frantic rushing around and crying emerges from the teams. Suddenly the kitchen starts to look like a public library during finals week. Everything and everyone is a mess.

PERSEPHONE: 5! [ sniff ] What's that smell?

HADES: Hard work

PERSEPHONE: No, it's a burning smell

HADES: [ shrieks ] MY BREAD!

PERSEPHONE: I'm so - TIMES UP! Please bring your dishes up ready for tasting.

The team captains present their dishes to the judges aka: Persephone, Hades and Hermes.

ZEUS: Why is Hermes a judge

PERSEPHONE: He asked, so team 1. What dish do you have for us today?

ZEUS: What we have here is a blended tomato and mushroom compote with hints of basil and a blended cream on top.

HADES: [ very serious look ] Did you taste mushrooms in the original soup?

ZEUS: [ almost sweating ] No chef.

Persephone and Hades share a look as the three judges taste the soup.

HERMES: Not enough tomato if I'm honest with you.

HERA: Hermes, you're on our team.

HERMES: Oh shit yeah, it's perfect. No complaints 10/10.

HADES: Team 2? What do you have for us?

ATHENA: we have a tomato and basil consommé using Spanish tomatoes and French cream for the creamy pomade that's on top. And we even cooked fresh croutons to go with it.

HADES: Did Hera cook this?

ARES: No? Why do you ask, chef?

HADES: Because it's incredibly salty.

HERMES: You know, you can just call it tomato soup and bread.

ATHENA: Just like your team did?

HERMES: Hey! I'm a judge now.

PERSEPHONE: Thank you amateurs. We will need to discuss these... flavoursome dishes and then we will reveal which team is going into elimination.

[ insert dramatic transition ]

HERMES: After a long, bias discussion that ended in a unanimous decision. The team that lost today was ... [ camera pans between the two teams, drumming in the back ground ] Team 2.

HADES: [ turns to the camera behind him ] join us next time for the first elimination round of this season! Remember, more than one play er can go home at a time!

ARES: ATHENA YOU BITCH.

next episode starts in 5..