the cries harboring in my throat want to be released,
the note of a violin sonata to be told,
in the light of the moon,
it dims, because it cannot shine.

"why shouldn't i? after all you're useless, worthless, nothing. everything was—"

"just a lie?"

he is silent, because i know that i am right,
undoubtedly,
i am,
and i don't want to admit that i had hope,
that essence which is also a lie.

light can break in the window,
it can break shadows,
but never the one that stays with you inside:
it doesn't save:
it only illuminates,
distracts,
to blind you of the pain—
i could see it.

the final end.

i didn't know how to achieve that perfect epiphany,
where the sonata closes to an end and the audience applauds,
as to reach that perfect ending.
the final one.

i want that moment to be everlasting,
but forever is only a word we give definition to,
and we won't last.

we have already broken what we hold together,
so we don't bear the burden again.

i wonder how our song will end right now.

"you're right though, aren't you? you were just a plaything for me. i don't need you, and you shouldn't either.
why don't you go play with that new boyfriend of yours? after all, it seems like—"

at that point,
my ears went numb.

i couldn't hear him,
because i didn't want to.

i was tired of another fault blamed on me.

again.

again.

when will this end?

breaking the mirror that shows me how faulted i am,
and how wrong i know i am now,
i want to become better,
really,
but it's hard.

and i don't know how to.

"so it's my fault again, huh?" i say quietly, biting back everything, my pride,
every hurtful word i want to give.

ultimately,
if i voice my anger,
i know that i have lost another.

i want to save him,
any parts that i can.

"what if it is?"

"then it is. it always has been. and i admit it, parts of it is true. but you can't run away, kei. you need to stop."

"and what the hell do you think you know about me?"

"more than you do."

"you're not my mother or anything."

"i thought you would become different."

"that's what they all want me to do, and you're just one of them," he says nonchalantly,
and every word,
is
a
stab,
a
wound,
words
lingering,
but i don't want them to fade like we are, right now,
where we'll never find ourselves.

maybe i am more willing,
maybe i have more strength and determination,
but i want him with me,
because he needs more saving than i do.

"please...let me save you."

he doesn't respond.

the seconds tick by,
and everything begins to wilt.

the flowers,
the leaves,
and both of us seems to break.

we seem to be this,
but are we that?

are we that lingering sadness,
that hope in the dark,
the infinite beauty of the moment?

the unknown attracts me,
but it doesn't as of this moment,
because i am so close,
inches apart from reaching myself,
to really give up.

i am different again.

this time,
i want to rise,
like the sunrise on the horizon,
the calling of youth.

bring me there.

minutes pass,
and it turns into fifteen,
thirty,
the clock chimes;
how skyscrapers rise,
how the sun rises,
how we grow,
old and young,
the seasons pass in flickers of time
we remind ourselves,
tomorrow could be the end.

i am waiting to hear his voice,
but i don't know if i will.

"why do you want to save me? you need saving more than i do."

"that's not true."

"when will you pay more attention to yourself?"

he is right.

koushi left,
i am here waiting for his words to end.

"you just want my pity. don't act like it's not true, because i know you too,"
he laughs,
as if it was a joke,
a real funny one,
and i wish i could have laughed along too.

"so what? too scared to reply? we both know that i'm right."

"i just want to talk to you."

"we ended months ago."

"...and that was you, wasn't it?"

he is silent again, but this time,
i want to know why.

i want him to tell me with his own lips,
not from others,
but his very own that i never touched.

"why won't you tell me?"

"we're over already."

"but i think i still need you."

"don't you need everything?"

"i know i do. this time, come to me, and tell me it's the end.
i want you to say it in front of my face instead of distancing yourself from me. tell me, kei. please,"
i whisper helplessly,
trying to tell the truth,
wanting to hear it
from
his
lips,
not
his
silence.