koushi held my hand,
as all the whispers arose like
spring's first call,
even though it was that cold winter
you had invited me to.

"you'll be fine,"
he whispers, and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear,
with his delicate fingers,
flying like butterflies,
so similar.

"i'm despicable,"
i told him,
but all he said was that
"you're beautiful,"
and maybe, because of that greed,
i needed to hear that.

after sips of tea,
bittersweet,
traced with the envy of green,
inevitably
i am
still
reminded.

koushi watches me with his beautiful eyes and delicate lashes,
saddening,
knowing that his love,
is
illusionary.

walking past,
fingers brushing,
lips i hadn't heard speaking in too long.

"congratulations.
i never liked you anyway."

"i did," i whisper,
gazing longingly
with lips that had never spoken honestly,
and i resolved to change it so much.

too aware i am playing with fate,
a coincidental act
that i
never
chose to believe in.

i am aware i am tugging at strings tying knots at random lengths,
releasing,
snipping apart,
and even more so,
i know koushi is hurting because he is watching,
but the pain,
is a drug.

they say i am selfish,
too selfish,
and i've never told them the reason why,
but i think i've come to a conclusion.

that fiber of hope i've gained watching others,
hoping,
readily accepting,
hurt just as much,
and toying with somebody,
can too.

it was all a brief minute,
where i felt that stinging pain,
and another decision,
i've regretted,
because honesty never worked out in my favor.

as your eyes tried to fathom,
i knew you already did,
so you ran away like what you did best,
and i wondered if what i did was ever brave at all.