Hyuna

I was standing outside of a big Gothic building. It was really cold and dark. Judging from my surroundings, it was winter. White snow covered the trees and most of the ground, leaving not even a color of earth to be visible. The cold winter air seeped deep into my bones, and the fact that my dress was sleeveless made it harder for me to stay warm. Clamping my jaws together so my teeth would stop chattering, I looked at my attire.

I was dressed in white, simple dress; sweetheart neck, with lace on the bodice. The A-line fitted dress flair all the way to the ground, and its train touched the snow-covered ground. My long black hair was held up and pinned on top of my head with beautiful pearls, like it always had, a few locks were left down to frame my face. I did not wear any jewelleries other than the pearls and my bare feet felt cold against the wet ground.

The wind blew gently, sending a ghostly feeling through my spine. I shivered and as I predicted, the church bell rang three times. I knew it too well and the reason why I was familiar with it was because I dreamt of this dream the night before, and the night before it. It didn't matter, I have had this dream every night since my parents died.

I was only sixteen when it started. I thought I was just having an ordinary dream. I saw myself, dressed in white and standing in front of a massive building. It was like a movie, where you watch how the characters act, but in my dream I saw myself and at the same time I felt what I felt. At first I stood there in awe as I stared at myself. I looked different; I was glowing in happiness and I could sense something big was going to happen, something that I could not comprehend, yet. The sixteen year old me was excited and looked forward to the rest of the dream.

If only I knew.

My excitements were quickly washed away as a voice started whispering to me, ushering me away. That voice grew in number and before I knew it, I had a group of them screaming to me to get away. The sixteen year old me didn't know what to do. What she expected to be her own fairytale turned into a horrifying, almost real experience. So she did what the voices wanted her to.

Since then, I would run to the other path. Rather than going inside of that church, I will run toward the forest, crying and begging the voices to stop. I will shred my beautiful dress on the branches and stab my bare feet on the rocks in the process, my hair will fall out of its place and I'm sure I lost some of the pearls, but I could care less. I just wanted to get away, and to think that I would somehow escape the voices by obeying their demands was absurd.

Oh how I wish I had known then, that the voices were only leading me to my death.

Since I ran away for the first time when I was sixteen, I kept following the voices demands eventhough they were crafting my demise. I was afraid of the voices, they could have driven me crazy if I were to stay, but as I ran further from the building, a pain settled in my tummy and it quickly became unbearable. Until at some point where I will fall down and die. I died every night since then and the dying part was certainly not easy. I never knew that I would want my life to end fast, but the extreme pain was excruciatingly slow as it enveloped my body starting from my feet. Even death was a luxury.

I've thought of this before I went to sleep tonight. If I was going to have this dream again, which I'm positive that I will, I'll do something I never had enough guts to do before.

This time, I'm going to take a look of what's inside of that building. Because if you have had the same dream over and over again for years, clearly something was wrong. Running away was wrong.

So here I was, gazing up to the tall building that was slightly illuminated by the full moon. I watched the mist of breaths against the winter air, garnering the last of my courage before it too condensed into thin air. I have to do it sooner, I have to do it now. I grabbed the front hem of my dress and yanked it up so I won't trip over it later should I make my run. I took another shot of deep breath and stepped closer to the building.

I was not surprised when the voices came, I had expected them. But I can't help but to be afraid when I heard it. The first one was soft and almost inaudible, but I knew it would grow stronger in a mere second.

"Stop! Stop! Run. They're coming. Run!" The voices screamed in my head.

I would never be ready enough for the burst of pain at the back of my head. I sucked a breath and the cold wind rushed into my lungs. My ears were ringing to the point that it was painful, I wished I was deaf instead.

"Run!!"

"Save your life!"

"Run while you still have time!"

I won't listen, I refused to listen. I held my ground before my legs buckled and I kneeled on the ground, not caring if I was dirtying my dress. I cupped my ears in a sad attempt to block the voices.

"Run! Run! Run!!!"

There were more of them now, even more than I used to and they were echoing through my ears. Some of them were screaming the words I was familiar with while the others were shouting jumbled up words that I could not understand. It was affecting my head as the pain spread quickly.

"Stop! It hurts!" I yelled. "Please."

"Run away!!"

"Run!!"

My sights started to blur. I brought a palm to my eyes and noticed that I was crying.

"Come inside." A low husky voice whispered. My body straightened as I turned around to my sides. No one.

My eyes widened. It was my first time of hearing such voice, yet my body was effected by it so much. The warmth settled in me and I felt calm despite of the raging voices in my head.

"Don't listen to him!"

"Run!"

I cupped my ears back and whimpered.

"I won't hurt you, Yuna." The voice said again and I gasped. I desperately wanted to listen to him, to stand up and walk to the building where I believe he was at. But my knees were weak and I was cold, very cold.

Could he possibly be my ticket out? If I were to listen to him, would I ever get this horrible dream ever again?

"He's lying! Aaaaaa!!"  The voices screamed in unison and as if I was hit by a force, my body fell backwards and met the cold ground with a soft thud.

I tossed and turned as the voices screamed at their words at me. I saw veins popping out of my temples and neck. I thought that I was dying, it was never this intense with the voices. They haven't killed me once since I started experiencing this dream, it was always the burning pain that took my last breath away. I guess I was wrong. I saw bright dots illuminating my sights, and the back of my head was heavy as if it was tied to a stone. I tried fighting back, but it was useless. I never had the power over the voices. No matter how I tried to shut them off, they always come back, louder than before.

I was tired of everything. There was no escaping the voices. Either way, I'll die. A lone tear escaped my eye and dropped to the ground, creating a wet patch on the white snow. I gave up, I was prepared to die. I was stupid to even think that I had it covered when I never did. I rather die than to face the voices again.

I gasped when I felt my heart dropped. How about the voice that I heard before? I certainly never heard him and just a thought of him possibly being in the church sent my heart somersault. He was near. It felt weird that I was actually looking forward to meet him. I felt like I had known him for so long...

But no. The voices would not let me to. They wanted me dead, and as much as I wanted to meet him, I couldn't.

I was lying on the snow-covered ground, waiting for death to embrace me. I had grown so accustomed to death. Even though this was only a dream, I could practically feel it in every part of me. Every night, I'd felt as if my very soul was torn from my body, as I watched myself struggling for air.

Pain was underrated. Nothing can clarify how I felt every night.

I looked up at the night sky. The moon was shining so bright that none of the stars were visible. The starless sky didn't make it any less beautiful. I stared up in awe how one single thing could make the whole night sky looked picturesque. I barely noticed the tune I was humming, It was the very same one mother used to sing.

If I die for real, would I ever hear you sing Eternal Flame again, mother?

Life, for me was harsh. Beautiful but harsh. I was happy at some point, grateful for everything until it went on my back and crushed me, again and again until I was numb, until I was anything but an empty vessel.

I blinked. Everything was eerily quiet. I looked around suspiciously.

Where were the voices?

I caught sight of the huge building and rolled to my side, facing the church. I debated whether to continue my plan or not. Somehow I convinced myself that this won't end good in any other way, facing numerous death did that to you. So why not? I slowly pushed myself up, my arms were still shaking slightly. I got on my knees and closed my eyes, trying to ease the dizziness. Blood rushed to my head and I blurred. I stayed still for a while and when I felt a bit better, I stood up.

I was going inside.

I took deep breaths to calm my trembling hands. There's no backing off. I stepped closer to the church and halted stop, half expecting the voice to come and resume their torture on me but there was only silence. I took the chance and gathered a handful of the dress in my hand and sprinted toward the church. My pace did not waver until I stood in front of a mahogany door.

Instantly my stomach fluttered and my hands started to feel clammy. I was immediately aware of my appearance. I looked down at my dress to see that it was crumpled and blotched with small spots of dirt. My cheeks were flushed, no doubt from running just now and the idea of being near with him. A few strands of hair strayed from the bun so I tried fixing it by pushing it to the back of my ears. I bit my bottom lip, why did I feel excited?

The wooden door felt cold under my touch as I pushed it forward. It swung open, revealing the vast space inside. The first thing I noticed was how tall the ceiling was. A few large grand chandeliers were hanging down from the vaulted ceiling, crystals dangling from them casting glints through the space. Thick pillars stood proud, supporting the archways at both sides of the building. At the end of the room was a big altar, richly adorned with intricate designs and gems. The bright moonlight penetrated tall stained glass windows, creating a wandering patterns over the marble floor.

Long benches were arranged in neat rows facing the altar. They were filled with people, who were talking in slow murmurs. I kept my eyes ahead. Two men stood side by side at the end of the isle; one was dressed in white robe, his hands were clasped together on top of his stomach. The other was cladded in tailored black tux, I could feel his heated gaze on me, resulting the the sinful feelings to appear again.

"Come, Yuna." The voice echoed through the space, and instantly the crowd was silenced and every eyes were trained on me. I gulped and started walking.

The people inside the church looked like they were stuck in time. Clothed in expensive suits and beautiful dresses, they looked like they belonged in the Victorian era. Shiny eyes and pale faces followed as I walked past the church seats, one after another.

I stopped when I was a few steps away from the men, deeply awed by the Adonis in front of me. The priest turned and walked to the altar, leaving us in staring contest, one that I could never win. I practically felt my knees weaken and it took me everything not to faint. Those damn butterflies turned even more aggressive when he took in of my appearance, his eyes darkening.

"Let the mass starts." The priest said, and started saying words out of a big book that was laid on the table. I tuned him out. There was only me and that gorgeous stranger that seemed awfully familiar yet I couldn't get my mind to remember him.

"Come, Yuna." His voice was husky as he repeated the words and I shuddered. I held my ground stubbornly, trying so hard to hate how much he affected me. The priest continued his sermon, not once dubious of our little awkward meeting.

Feeling bewildered, I asked, "who are you?"

His face softened, and my heart fell at the sad smile that graced his handsome face. I forced myself not to rush forward and wrap myself around him.

"I am yours, as you are mine. Always been, always have. Take my hand now, love. You have kept us waiting for too long."

He held his hand out to me and I stared at it in shock. Part of me felt like I have to take his hand, but there was a deep fear latching in my heart.

"No."

My voice came out no more than a whisper, as soon as I said it I hoped that he did not hear it, but the hurt in his eyes were apparent that I rather felt the burning pain of the pre-deaths. There were gasps and I noticed that the room was quiet as every eyes were on me again. Even the priest stopped talking now. Did he not hear us before?

"I-I can't marry you."

Before the sorrow could get into me, I turned on my heels and ran.

Once again, I was in the forest, running. Somehow, the voices inside my head had started their torture on me, screaming at me to get away. I felt the blurriness seeping in as the pain I was accustomed to hit me like bullets.

"Run!"

"Run before its too late!"

"Run for your life!"

I forced myself further, yet I knew it was pointless. Another surge of pain came and I doubled over, tripping on my dress when my hands accidentally let go of the hem. The searing pain I felt when sharp rocks and twigs dug onto my bare skin did not even equal to the numbness that had already starting in my tummy.

"Ahhh!" I yelled.

I should have given up now, but I didn't. I clenched my jaw as I leant on the nearest tree for support. It was too much, my body was telling me to give up, to embrace the pain as the voices wanted to. I had enough of them. Bruises formed on my battered body, but my mind was anything but weak. I had to fight.

So I ran.

The neverending line of trees seemed to have met their end as the huge space of a clearing came into my sight. It was another place that I was familiarised with, as it was where I died every night. The pain will be unbearable whenever I came to that place, and the burning pain will appear as my soul was plucked off of my writhing body.

This time though, I tried pushing my already tired legs to the other side of the clearing in hopes that I would find a way out. A flicker of hope burnt in my heart as I thought of escaping the nightmare that had been haunting me for so long. But fate had never sided with me, when a surge of paralysing pain shot through my veins, sending me flying forward, successfully landing on my face. Dried twigs scratched on my face and my hands, splitting my lips and opening new wounds on my skin. I'm sure the dress was nothing but a heaps of ugly torn fabrics by now.

I curled into a fetal position not caring about anything but the acute pain inside of my tummy. I panicked, clawing on my abdomen, trying to ease the pain.

"Please, not this! Stop this pain, please." I sobbed, relying my pleas to anyone who might be listening. Six years of having this nightmare should be enough to proved it to me that my prayers and pleas were all futile. I was alone in this. Yet the little hope shone brighter than a candle in a dark room.

I knew it was coming to an end I felt an intense burn everywhere. I felt as though my capillaries exploded. I did not noticed that I had clamped on my tongue so hard to draw blood until it pooled in my mouth and I choked on it when I gasped. The blood trickled down my cheek as I opened my mouth for a silent scream. I clawed on my throat as the burning pain reached my neck and went for my head. My conscience protested at the lacking of air but my lungs refused to compromise.

Five minutes after trashing around, I laid completely still on my back. My chest rose and fell sharply in short breaths, the blood were still flowing down from the sides of my mouth to the ground, creating pools beneath my head. My hands were shaking and my fingernails were digging on the wet ground. I had lost control of my legs, and it was just in a matter of time that I'll lose my hands too.

I felt it on my fingers first, numbing them. I let out a sob, spluttering the pooling blood out from my mouth as the burning sensation went up agonisingly slow to my wrists. I cried, forcing my eyes to produce more tears to an extent that they hurt so much. I vaguely noticed a movement from my side, until my line of sight were covered by a beautiful being.

"Kill me." I tried to say, but the liquid inside my mouth forbade my voice to came out, instead I spluttered some more of it.

He crouched next to me and I saw the deep pain in his eyes. I felt the need to stroke his pain away, to tell him that I was okay. It hurt me to see him like this, that I caused him to feel that way, yet I did not know why.

"I'm sorry." He murmured just as the feeling of death reached my shoulders. He reached out and touched my cheek, I closed my eyes at the warmth he gave me.

I shot my eyes open when I felt it on my throat, the sizzling pain were eating away my skin. I turned away from him not wanting to let him see me like this, yet I craved of his touch, I longed for his gaze, his voice. Tears spilled some more and I choked, I was completely cut off from my air supply.

I felt a touch on my chin as my face was gently turned to him. He was looking down at me, wanting to share my pain, as his eyes were swirling with his own.

"We won't be apart no more. I will take the pain away from you." He said, leaning forward to plant a lingering kiss on my forehead.

I detested the situation that prevented me to feel.

My sights finally dimmed and I frantically looked around, wanting to see that beautiful face once again, but to no avail. My time was up.

The last thing I heard was, "I'm coming for you, love."

Then everything went black.

(first draft - August 8, 2016

simple editing - January 25, 2017)