© Copyright 2011
All work is property of Leah Crichton, any duplication or reproduction of all or part of the work without explicit permission by the author is illegal.

Adieu: (uh-doo)

goodbye, farewell

the act of departing or leaving

When we pulled up to the hospital, my stomach churned. I glanced over at Orion, who looked even sicker than I felt. “Orion, what’s wrong?”

He shook his head. “Nothing’s wrong.”

“Something’s wrong. What is it?”

He sighed heavily. “I’m just worried. I’m not sure you’ll be able to go through with this after you see your dad. It’s not going to be easy for you.”

“None of this has been easy for me.”

“I know,” he said. “But what you are about to do is ten times harder than anything you’ve been through so far.” Orion was trying desperately to hide the fear in his voice.  He didn’t want my decision to change.

“Orion, I’m not going to change my mind.” I wrapped my arms around his waist.

He kissed the top of my forehead.  “You have every right to change it, you know. I can’t actually make you do anything you don’t want to do.”

“I want to be with you forever.”

“I hope you still feel that way after this.” He nodded in the direction of the hospital.

“I have to say goodbye, Orion. I have to.”

“I know.” His voice was heavy. “C’mon, Tiger.”

We continued walking, but after only a few steps my feet didn’t want to move.  Orion stopped and turned to face me. “What?” he asked.

“This is going to be hard,” I said.  He had just pointed this out moments ago, but I hadn’t actually thought about my hasty decision.  I was going to say goodbye to my father for the entire rest of his life.

“Yes.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t do this.” I tried to keep my voice steady.

“You were right.  You need to.  You’ll never forgive yourself if you don’t.” Orion didn’t want me to do this at all, but he was putting aside his fear for what he thought would be best for me. “I’ll be right beside you.  It’ll be okay.”

Reluctantly I moved forward.  I breathed deeply, took Orion’s hand, and headed inside. When we got to my room, Dr. Stephenson was standing with my dad, his hand settled on my dad’s shoulder.  “Listen, Bill, I’m really very sorry. I can’t imagine what you are going through and I won’t pretend to try.  But it’s been six months now and she’s not making any progress.  I really do recommend that we cease all life sustaining measures. We are only prolonging the inevitable.”

I saw Orion’s eyebrow rise, but he didn’t say a word.  He gave my hand a reassuring squeeze.  My dad was absolutely heartbroken.  Tears streamed from his eyes. He didn’t even try to hide them.  “Can I have a minute, please?”

“Absolutely, take as long as you need.” Dr. Stephenson’s voice was low and comforting.  “You just let me know when you’re ready.”

My dad nodded.  Dr. Stephenson left the room and my dad came undone.  His entire body shook as he walked to the bed where I lay.  He sat in the seat beside my body.  He didn’t know I was standing right behind him.  Lovingly, he placed one hand on my forehead. The other hand came to rest lightly on my arm. “Ireland,” he said, shaking his head.  “I’m so sorry, pumpkin.  I don’t know what else to do.  Mom’s not here anymore, and I usually rely on her to make the decisions.  I miss her, you know, more than you can possibly imagine.  But she’s got Luke with her, so she’ll be okay.  He was a great son, and I know he’s going to take care of her.  He’ll take care of you, too.”

My lip shook uncontrollably.  My throat was thick and the tears stung my eyes.  This was the hardest thing I’d ever had to watch.  I stepped forward; Orion released his grip on my hand.  “It’s okay, Dad!” I cried.  “I’m right here. I’m okay, it’s okay!” The words barely made it out of my mouth between the sobs.  He couldn’t hear me.  He couldn’t hear anything I was saying at all. 

I watched as he raised my hand to his lips and planted a kiss on it.  “Your mom wouldn’t have wanted this for you.” He signaled to all the machines around me.  “Neither do I.” His voice was shaking.  “I’m sorry we named you Ireland. I know you hated it.”

“It doesn’t matter!” I sobbed.

He continued. “But your mother, she loved Ireland.  Oh, how she loved it, pumpkin. When she got pregnant with you, she prayed you’d be a girl so she could get her way.  I couldn’t bring myself to argue.  I only ever wanted to make her happy.”

“You made her so happy, Daddy,” I sniffled.  Orion’s hand was rubbing my back gently. 

“I remember when you were born,” my dad said, but my own words broke in.

“I can’t watch this, Orion!”

“You need to let him get it out, Tiger. He needs to talk about it and you need to listen. It’s selfish not to. Let him have his memories. I’ll be right back, just listen to him, please.” Orion was right.  I wanted to leave for selfish reasons.  I needed to let my dad say what he felt needed to be said. I hung my head as Orion left the room. 

“I almost didn’t get your mom to the hospital on time.” He picked up his thought where he had left off.  “But I did.  And boy, you sure didn’t take long to come out, kicking and screaming.” He laughed to himself.  “I suppose you’ve kinda been kicking and screaming since then.  Mom was just beside herself that you were finally there, the little girl she had been waiting for.  I’ll tell you a secret, though, as much as mom thought you were hers, really you were a daddy’s girl.” He kissed my hand again.

I nodded. He was right.  The tears continued coming. “Daddy’s little girl,” he said. “I even bought you little pajamas that said so.” He sighed at the memory.  “When you got a little older, you were so cute.  I’d come home from work, and there you’d be in the driveway waiting for me.  I was always worried about who would give me that greeting when you got too big to do it. But you never got too big.”

I nodded again.  No matter what kind of day I was having, I’d always be waiting at the door for my dad to come in—up until we moved, up until I had so easily decided he was on my never-to-speak-to-again list.  “Now I really don’t know what I’m going to do.  I don’t know what I’m going to do without your mom, Luke.  I just don’t know. But you would never be able to give me that greeting again; I don’t know if you could do much of anything.” His tears began to flow freely again.  “Pumpkin, I wish you could tell me what to do, give me some kind of sign.”

“I’m right here!” I sobbed.  “I’m right here, Daddy. It’s okay!” I stepped forward, wrapping my arms around him and hugging him from behind.  “It’s okay, you can do it.” I knew he couldn’t hear me, but it didn’t stop the words from rushing out.  Footsteps came from the door of the room.  I could see the light shift.  My head turned and I saw Orion standing there.  Right next to him stood Alicia.  Surprised, I wiped at my eyes with the back of my hand and sniffed. “Oh, um, hi. Alicia, what are you doing here?”

“Hi, Ireland,” Alicia’s musical voice responded.  “You going to be alright?”

“I don’t know.” I shook my head. “I don’t think so.”

Orion, putting his arm around Alicia’s shoulder, pushed her forward.  “Alicia can help,” he said confidently.

“How?”

“I’ll show you, don’t worry,” Alicia reassured me.  “It’s going to be okay.  Do you remember that day at my house when we showed you what things would be like?”

I remembered.  I didn’t want to, but I remembered.  “Yeah,” I whispered. “So?” I couldn’t see where this conversation was going.

“Do you remember that you felt some stuff? Well, Alex can make you see your future, I can make you feel it. I’m good with feelings.” She was smiling.

Felt. Stuff.  I felt stuff.  Alicia had made me feel all the wonderful things my parents felt; if she could do that for me, maybe she could do that for my dad. “Oh my God! You can help my dad!”

She nodded.  “Told you we’d see each other sooner than later.”

“How did you know?” I asked.

She raised her eyebrows.  “I may not be able to see your future, Ireland, but I can certainly see mine. I’ll need your help.” She nodded toward my dad. “He is suffering. Let’s get on with it, okay?”  

“What do we need to do?” I asked, looking at my father, who now had his head lying on the metal bars attached on the side of the bed.  He was staring at my body, probably a million different thoughts running through his head. 

“It’s simple, Ireland. Since your dad isn’t in, you know, the same, errr, situation as you, you are going to have to be kind of a go-between.”

“Anything at all.”

“I’m going to put one hand on you and one on him.  I need you to just remember him. Remember your dad; think about how much you love him.  Think about Orion, too, and how he makes you feel.”

“Okay,” I said. Thinking of how much I loved my father and how much I loved Orion would be easy.

“Ready?” Alicia asked.

 “Yes, I’m ready.” I breathed a sigh of relief.  If my dad could feel that everything would be okay, everything would be.

“Okay,” she said.  She placed one hand on my forehead and the other on my dad’s shoulder.  Dad didn’t even know we were there.  I felt a similar electric shock to the one I felt when Alicia and Alex showed me my past, present and future.  Trying to ignore it, I closed my eyes. 

I thought about him. My dad.  He was right; I was his little girl.  I always would be.  I thought about what I had seen in the vision when I was born.  I thought about growing up with him as my dad. I remembered all the important things, like those first steps I took. They were toward him.  Every birthday party, it was him standing behind the camera, freezing the milestone like he could stop time somehow.   When I learned to ride my bike, it was my dad who held the seat, sure not to let me go.  When I put the star on the top of the Christmas tree, he’d always pick me up because I was too short to reach it. I thought about his letter shaped pancakes. I thought about how, in a way, he was my very first love.  I thought he was the strongest, smartest person I knew. I remembered thinking Dad could do anything. Fix anything.  He was my idol. My hero. 

I thought about the accident, how none of it was his fault.  It was unavoidable. I thought about Orion and how even though all of this was horrible, I had never been happier and I didn’t think I ever could be.  I thought about how he made me feel, how much I loved him.  How complete I felt.  He made me feel like I was the only person in the world. I squeezed my eyes shut, focusing all of the energy I had on showing my dad every corner of my heart.  

When I opened them to look at his face, it was less weary somehow.  Less worried.  His hand ran along the gauze and through my hair. He leaned over and kissed my forehead.  “Pumpkin, I’m going to let you go now, okay?  Go to Luke and Mom, okay? They’re probably waiting for you. And don’t you worry about me, not one little bit; your ol’ dad is gonna be just fine.” He was more composed than before, but still the tears were falling from his eyes.  “You just need to know how much I love you.”

“I love you too, Dad.”

“You’re always going to be Daddy’s little girl.” He stared at me. 

“I love you, Dad!” I cried.  He may not have heard me but, thanks to Alicia, I knew he could feel me.  Emotions had great power over any words I could’ve offered. My dad stood up and headed out the door.  “Where’s he going?” I asked Orion. 

“He’s gone to find the doctor to turn off the life support.  C’mon, Tiger, it’s time for us to go.”

I nodded.  “Thanks, Alicia.” I looked back at my dad. 

My idol.

My hero.

My very first love.

Alicia smiled sweetly. “Glad I could help. I’ll see you soon.”

What was the most dreadful thought a short time ago was a not so dreadful reality now.  My Dad could feel how happy I was.  He could feel everything was exactly as it should be.  He could feel how much I loved him. He could feel that I was still, and always would be, Daddy’s Little Girl.