The Turnout 

Daddy said that today is Mommy's birthday and that we are going to her grave to visit her. I wonder what a grave is. I don't understand all of what he is saying but the fact that he said Mommy caught my attention so I got excited. Finally! I will be able to see Mommy after all this time.

I only see Mommy on her pictures. Daddy said that she is beautiful and intelligent and all of the things that describes a perfect mommy. I remember asking him if my mommy is perfect but Daddy only gave me a knowing smile. I wanted to ask Daddy where Mommy is. Bakit hindi siya umuuwi sa bahay? Bakit hindi ko siya nakakausap. But that's so many question and I can only say some words.

Daddy was tying my shoelace. I noticed that he is kind of sad today. I thought birthdays are supposed to be happy. Why is Daddy sad now that it's mommy's birthday?

We left the house and he stuffed me in my baby chair at the back of his car. He gave me my white squishy ball and he went around to drive the car. I was too busy playing with my ball that I had forgotten about where Daddy and I will go today. I almost dropped my ball because I was too excited to hold it tightly but that got it for me and gave it back to me again. I grinned at him. I really like my ball. This is my favorite.

After some time, Daddy pulled up. I looked around and I saw many trees and grasses around. Oh! Is this a park? I want to be in a park! I want to run around while Daddy chases me and I laugh loud. Daddy likes it when I laugh loud. He said that it makes him happy.

I noticed that daddy was staring outside the car window as if he was thinking hard. I wondered what's happening inside my daddy's head. Is he nervous? Why would he feel like that? I don't know why but it seems like he is really in a deep thought. Finally he gave out a sigh and look over his shoulder to stare at me.

I tried to show him my ball it is my favorite boy and it makes me happy every time I play with it. Maybe daddy is just feeling sad because he doesn't have his favorite toy with him. He finally got out of the car and carried me on his shoulders.

The place is beautiful I could see so many greens and blues. I can hear birds singing. This is indeed a park. I was smiling wide. Nandito ba ang Mommy ko? Will we play today? I am so excited to meet her. But to my curiosity, Daddy and I stood in front of a box – like, small yellow stone with ABCDs on it. I tilted my head because I do not understand what is happening. I looked around, trying to see if Mommy will show up so we can play together.

"Mommy?" I looked at Daddy. He kissed the side of my head.

"Yes, Ami. This is Mommy." He pointed at the small box like yellow stone in front of us. This is where my Mommy is? Do I have to knock for her to show up?

"Mommy?"

"Mommy can't be with us anymore, my love, but no matter what happens, know that Mommy will always love you, alright?"

"Where?"

"Mommy is in heaven now." Daddy whispered. I still cannot understand what is happening now. I have a mommy but she's not with me. We don't play, we don't talk and she doesn't cook for me like the other Mommies on the story book Daddy always read to me.

I can still remember some of Mommy. I remember other pair of arms that used to hug me. A sweet voice that used to sing songs for me, but other than that, I don't remember my Mommy. All I know is that she isn't with me.

It wasn't until I was ten years old when I finally understood the concept of death because I lost my favorite stray cat. I have a cat in out backyard. She is not my pet but I always play with her. Pinakakain ko rin siya. Ayaw ni Daddy sa pusa but because I told him that I like the cat, he let me pet it. I've been looking after the cat for a long time that one day, when she didn't come home to eat, I felt restless.

I didn't see her for days, but one Saturday, after cleaning the garden with Daddy, I stumble across the dead body of the cat I was taking care of. I was shaken to the core. I didn't even know how I would react when Daddy found me shaking.

"Ami, wha—oh baby girl." He immediately hugged me. "Baby, come here, let's bury the cat."

Bury... it means that the cat is dead. I looked at Daddy.

"Mommy is dead." I whispered.

"Amihan..."

"She died. Why did she die, Daddy? Did she die giving birth to me?"

He shook his head and held me tightly.

"Mom died because of sickness..." Daddy answered me. "She wanted to be with you but couldn't because of it. She loves you so much, Amihan."

It was that moment when I felt like crying for something and someone that I never had a chance to meet. Mommy died, and like the cat, I will never see her again, nor talk to her and it's just so sad.

This is where I first had my heart broken...

xxxx

THREE months after finally realizing that I will never ever meet my mom because she died, Daddy and I went to Mom's grave again. Araw – araw naman kaming nagpupunta, palagi ko siyang dinadalan ng bulaklak. Araw – araw kong nararamdaman na nami-miss ko siya at gusto ko siyang makasama. Sabi ni Dad, sabihin ko lang kay Mommy ang mga bagay na gusto kong ikuwento sa kanya. Kahit wala naman raw si Mommy ay naririnig niya ako. I did that. I tell her every time Dad and I visit her grave. I tell her the things I do at school, about my friends, about the things that I like and I really feel like she is listening to me.

In return, Dad will tell me stories about my mom and from Dad's point of view, my mom is a really awesome person. It's just so bad that I didn't get to meet her.

When I turned eleven, Daddy sat me in our living room. Sa living room namin ay may isang side table kung saan naroon ang larawan ni Mommy. Kapag may sasabihin si Dad sa akin ay doon kami nauupo, parang family meeting na kasi namin iyon.

"Ami..." He held my hand. Ganoon kami kapag nag – uusap, we're always holding hands like it was the most natural thing to ever do. Makikinig naman ako sa kanya.

"Daddy, may girlfriend ka ba? Kinakabahan ako. Baka sabihin mo mag -aasawa ka?"

Tumawa si Daddy. "Anak, mahal ko ang Mommy mo, hindi na ako mag – aasawa kahit anong mangyari. Pero, may ipakikilala nga ako sa'yo."

"Hm? Akala ko ba?"

"Siya iyong tatay ng Mommy mo. Ang Lolo Ido mo." Napakunot lalo ang noo ko. Lolo? I have a lolo? He's alive? My heart is fast now. The knowledge of meeting a piece from my mom excites me. Nalulungkot naman talaga akong hindi ako nagkaroon ng pagkakataon na makasama ng matagal si Mommy, so I will take whatever or whoever, so I could know something from her.

"It's his birthday and you are going to meet him."

"Oh my god..." I whispered. "Daddy, what should I buy for him?"

"Nothing, anak. I think your Lolo will mostly appreciate your presence."

And from that day on, hindi na ako mapakali. I always look forward to this day – the day where I can finally meet my Mommy's father.

It was beautiful Saturday when Daddy and I rode his car. This time, he didn't stuff me in my car seat, but I sat beside him in front of his car. I was holding on to the seat belt like my life depended on it. I wore my best dress and I made sure that my hair is in a perfect bun. I wanted to be perfect because I want my Lolo Ido to like me. I want him think that I am beautiful like my Mommy.

Daddy parked in front of a restaurant near the clearing where we can clearly see the Taal Volcano. It's kinda chilly today but I didn't care. I was so nervous. What if my lolo hates me?

"What if he doesn't like me?" I looked at Daddy. Dad gave me his kind smile.

"I doubt it, anak. He will certainly like you – no love you. He will love you with all his heart. He will probably spoil you because he will love you so much." What he said calmed me down. We went inside the restaurant. There aren't too many people. I guess, wala pa sila kasi naupo pa kami ni Daddy sa isang side ng restaurant, iyong malapit lang sa may bintana. I kept on biting my lower lip.

"Daddy, are you sure Lolo will like me?"

"Amihan..." Daddy held my hand. "I'm sure of it. Okay? Calm down." Kinurot pa ni Daddy ang tungki ng aking ilong. I could only nod. I looked around again and somehow my eyes were drawn to that man – old man – who entered the restaurant with a middle-aged woman. The woman is looking around. My young intuition felt like she was looking for my Dad and when my Dad waved at her, that was when my heart felt like it stopped. The two people that I have no idea if they will like me started to walk towards us. The man looked like he had no idea why he is here but when his eyes flew to me, I saw recognition in his eyes.

I stood up.

"Hello. My name is Amihan." I waved my hand. I felt silly. "Daddy said you're my Mommy's father. It's nice to meet you..."

The man looked at his wife – I was sure of it now. The woman smile at my lolo and she nodded at him. I was kind of startled when he kneeled to level down with me.

"Napakaganda mo, Amihan." Nakangiting wika niya. "Manang – mana ka sa lahi natin."

After that, he spread his arms, like he is waiting for me to hug him and when I did, my tears fell – so hard.

Ngayon ko lang sila nakilala, but I feel at home. I feel like my mommy is smiling down at us while happily crying. I am so glad that I have met them.

Thank you, Mommy Amarah.

T H E E N D