two weeks later

evan hansen hadn't left his room in a week. he didn't want to. there was no point. but today he was going to leave his room - his house, even - because today was connor's funeral.

he looked in his closet, trying to remember what was blue and what wasn't. he could barely recall what blue looked like anymore. then he decided it didn't matter. connor didn't exist anymore, so neither did color.

he grabbed the only tuxedo in his closet and choked back a sob as he realized that it was the same tux he had worn on their date to the musical.

connor whispered in evan's ear, "did i mention how absolutely stunning you look tonight?"

evan's face flushed pink. "thanks, but i-i think you l-look better."

evan looked at himself in his mirror. stunning. that's how connor had described him in the tux. how no one else had described him before.

he noticed the dark circles under his eyes. his hair that had only been washed once in the last two weeks. the perpetual tear streaks on his face.

stunning. ha. but he put the tux on anyway.

evan turned away from the mirror and looked down at his hand, fiddling with the engagement ring that he already knew he would never take off.

it really was a gorgeous ring. the band looked like it was made out of silver leaves, and a small diamond was enclosed in it. before connor died, evan noticed that the diamond was yellow. evan didn't want to think about how much money connor had spent on it. but why was the diamond yellow?

some instinct inside him made him spin around towards the window, where his succulents and his bonsai tree resided. he noticed the sun painted on the pot on the bonsai tree.

oh.

"i wanted you to know that - even if those jerks made you feel like you were nothing, even if you feel like you're nothing right now - i wanted you to know that you're everything to me."

the memory gave evan the familiar feeling of a knot in his throat. how soft and kind connor had looked when he gave evan the gift. how sweet, gentle, loving.

"you are my life force, evan. you are my sun. and if you went out, i wouldn't be able to handle it."

then, when evan had hugged him for the first time, his arms had felt like home.

he reached up for his always necklace, which he immediately put on when he had gotten home, and he hadn't taken it off since. he felt the edges of the familiar cursive metal on his fingertips.

"i.. um, i had something made for us."

evan looked down at the heart charm. at least he would always be able
to see the silver shine.

his mom gently knocked on the door and poked her head in. "you ready, sweetie? the taxi's here."

heidi had been crying herself. she didn't show it in front of her son, but evan could tell by the familiar tear streaks and dark circles that he had become acquainted with.

evan said nothing, just nodded and stepped forward. there was no point in trying to make himself look like anything more than the mess he was.

in the taxi, evan's mind wandered. but it all came back to connor. all roads led to him. they always had.

evan remembered them telling him that it happened in five minutes.

the whole ordeal, from when the fire was started to when the plane exploded, happened in five minutes.

it had felt so much longer to evan.

and then there was that persistent nagging in the back of his head: it was his fault.

wasn't it?

he just had to have a panic attack when they should've been getting their asses out of the plane.

connor's eyes when they said they could only take one more - evan would
never forget the shock, sadness, and then the decision settling in his eyes.

evan snapped out of his thoughts when the taxi passed times square. heidi took her son's hand as evan sighed. his heart grew even heavier. nothing good had ever happened to him near times square. the kidnapping close by. the shooting at the theatre.

wait. connor loved times square.

connor ripped off the blindfold. "this isn't the surprise, but i wanted you to see this. evan, on the day i saw you, my taxi drove past here, and ever since then i've associated it with you. whenever i truly felt like i was never going to find you, i came here."

evan gazed up at the giant screens. "it's p-pretty. in a weird w-way."

connor, who was already behind evan, rested his hands on evan's waist and nuzzled his cheek. "i love you so much, evan hansen."

how could evan forget? connor loved times square because connor loved him.

connor loved him so much. and not because they were soulmates. because he was evan. and, somehow, that was more than enough for connor.

this thought lifted evan up and dragged him down at the same time, a weird sensation to feel while he and his mom stepped out of the taxi. they were in new jersey now, at a tiny church where the service was being held. when they stepped inside, evan was surprised to see an empty casket, until he remembered - there was no body to bury.

realizing that did nothing to give him closure - in fact, it had sliced his inner wounds up even more. he felt like a broken vase that someone had tried to glue back together, but if someone handled him wrong, he would shatter again into a million pieces.

evan turned away from the coffin, and he almost ran right into cynthia murphy.

her outward appearance wasn't as put together as it usually was, mirroring evan's grief. when she met his eyes, there was nothing but silence between the two, but it wasn't awkward. they were sharing the same pain, and they knew it.

cynthia grabbed evan's hand and dropped something in it. she smiled and said, "thank you for what you gave my son, evan. i can't thank you enough."

she hugged him, and he almost let himself shatter inside her arms, but he kept it together. when she left, he opened his palm.

it was a ring. it matched his own one, but whereas his gem was yellow, the gem in this one was black.

evan immediately knew it was supposed to be connor's engagement ring. he choked back his tears and gently placed it in his pocket. he would grieve over it later.

***

the service was short and sweet, with all of the murphy's saying something about connor. the minister asked evan if he wanted to speak, but before evan could reject the offer, cynthia rejected it for him, filling evan with gratitude.

after the service, people slowly started to trickle out of the room. heidi told evan she would be waiting for him outside. soon, everyone was gone, leaving evan, zoe, alana, and jared.

they slowly approached him. the four teenagers exchanged eyes of grief, not knowing what to say, how to process. the absence of their fifth member's presence was loud enough to cover the silence.

zoe was the first to cry, looking at the ground and blinking back tears. alana followed soon after, hugging her soulmate like she would never let go.

meanwhile, jared was quietly observing evan. evan met his gaze, almost challenging him to say something. i don't need your sarcasm right now, jared.

jared got a little closer to evan. then a little closer.

and then he surprisingly said, "just hold on. okay?"

for who knows what reason, that was when evan shattered. he almost crumbled to the ground, every emotion he had pushed down or denied swelling up in him at once. jared caught him and just held him up as he cried. then jared started to cry.

there used to be five.

five friends watching la la land while jared made jeers at the screen.

five friends walking around central park, throwing leaves and acorns at each other, complaining about school.

five friends dancing at midnight in a new jersey park just because they could.

and now?

now, there were four friends crying in the middle of a church while an empty coffin lay beside them.

***

when the crying came to a stop, zoe looked up at evan.

"this funeral sucked. i have a better idea for the four of us."

evan summoned strength to meet zoe's eyes. "hmmm?" he mustered up, tired for the first time in two weeks.

zoe saw evan's fatigue and she said, "go home and sleep, evan. i'll call you in the morning."

alana stood up. "we should all go home and sleep. take extra-strength melatonin if you have to."

jared was silent, and had been since he made that comment to evan earlier. but he nodded.

the four friends went outside, evan refusing the urge to look back at the empty casket. he thought the funeral would give him closure, but it seemed to have only made things worse. still, he waved goodbye to the other three and stood by his mom until the taxi pulled up.

connor always called evan his sun, and evan always figured that meant that connor was the moon. never one without the other. both needing each other to get up, to go through the motions, to... to live.

so, as his taxi crossed back into new york city, evan only had one thing on his mind.

will i ever truly live again?

***

a/n:

i'm sorry for breaking your hearts and causing you pain in the last chapter. the story is coming to an end, but i'm not just going to leave evan with pain. i have a plan, i promise. and there won't be anymore pain to this extent.

IN OTHER HAPPIER NEWS, I GOT TICKETS TO HAMILTON FOR AN EARLY BIRTHDAY PRESENT!!!!!!!

i don't know what else to say, just have a fabulous day guys! and TYSM FOR 16K WHAT EVEN IS LIFE?!!!