tw: mentions of abuse (physical, verbal, emotional, sexual) and rape

evan hansen had been through hell.

so you can't blame him when he thought he was waking up to an angel, at first.

but, when he woke up a little more, he saw the eyes. the eyes that he had seen so long ago on the streets of new york city, right before he was tugged into an alleyway and pushed down into the sewers.

and, for once, evan thought that everything was going to be okay.

so, he did deliriously hold onto connor's hand like connor was his lifeline, and he thought, maybe, now that i'm not trapped inside that room - maybe i'll be okay.

***

that thought, sadly, was wrong.

the next time he woke up, all the memories returned.

the beating and the burning and the tying down and the hunger and the pain and the words, all the words.

you're so weak, with another slap to the face. no one will ever love you, with a kick to the ribs.

the worst was you deserve this, when he would be forced to lie there, drugged, weak, and half dead, while someone forced their way into his body without his permission.

it was like someone had made their way into his head, found the things he said to himself daily, and then made them a reality. then doubled it with physical torture, like the verbal torture wasn't enough.

so, that morning, evan shrunk away from everyone's hands, including connor's, and his mother's. he didn't say a word to anyone - because good boys stay quiet - and he trapped himself in his thoughts. everything he had been put through had become his normal daily life, and now he was going to have to go back to actual normality.

then, a week after his second awakening, a psychiatrist came to visit.

"hi, evan. my name is dr. waters. i'm here to talk to you about what you've been through," the lady said, sitting down next to his hospital bed.

and for some reason, that's when evan broke down.

he had no idea why a single sentence from someone as distant as a psychiatrist got under his skin, but he told her everything. everything they had done to him, everything they had said, and everything he was feeling.

but that was the only person evan would talk to.

dr. waters asked evan if she could tell his mother and inform the police. evan, knowing that his mother was probably sick with worry and that the police would be informed anyway, gave her permission.

the police asked him if he wanted to press charges, and he just nodded. although he was a relatively forgiving person, there was a part of him that couldn't just let how much they had hurt him go.

heidi was able to take a bit of a work leave while evan stayed in the hospital to return to reality. she did the work that she could from her laptop, and she took some of her classes online, as well. she tried to visit the hospital as much as she could, but too often, evan found himself sending her home. he could see the stress in her eyes.

evan knew jared was in the city, but he was eventually banned from evan's hospital room, thanks to the lie about being his brother and to a few hidden bathbombs. so jared was staying with the murphy's.

then, while all of this chaos was going on around him, there was connor.

connor, who visited him daily. connor, who always talked to evan even though he knew that evan wouldn't respond yet. connor, who went out of his way to read to evan, even sing to him. connor, who was able to somehow get jared's mom to overnight ship evan's ipod and his favorite books to new york city. connor, who never expected anything in return.

in the midst of the hurricane going on around him, evan's soulmate was a pillar of stability in his life. the only thing he could count on.

every day, evan felt himself fall a little bit more for connor. soon, connor became evan's only motivation to get better, to actually be able to speak.

evan would be damned before he would stay stuck in this half-assed chapter of his life any longer than he needed to.

***

it was a wednesday morning, the three-week mark after evan had first awoke in a hospital bed. the same one that he was laying in that morning while he read the fault in our stars for the thousandth time in his life.

the door opened, and evan's heart skipped a beat as he lowered his book.

connor murphy walked into the room, smiling widely and carrying a large gift bag.

"good morning, babe. i brought you a gift," connor said excitedly, walking over to evan's bed and setting the bag on his lap.

evan blushed a little at the pet name, like he always did. he carefully took the tissue paper out of the bag, and folding it as he went along. his heightened anxiety kept him from being able to rip open gifts. connor grinned down at evan, patiently waiting.

finally, evan pulled out a bonsai tree and immediately started smiling so much that his cheeks hurt.

the tree, as amazing as it was by itself, had little sun and cloud tokens hanging off its branches. painted on its pot was one huge sun, in the midst of a blue sky.

"your mom mentioned to me how much you loved trees. and, i, um... i wanted you to know that - even if those jerks made you feel like you were nothing, even if you feel like you're nothing right now - i wanted you to know that you're everything to me," connor spoke to evan in that soft tone that was reserved only for his soulmate. "you are my life force, evan. you are my sun. and if you went out, i wouldn't be able to handle it."

evan gazed at connor, tears in his eyes.

connor leaned closer to evan (but not too close - he knew the boundaries). "i know that the aftermath of this is, and has been, hard for you. i can't imagine the kind of hell that you went through in the last year. but you were never expected to bounce back right away from it all. it's okay to feel broken, it's okay to need healing. just know that i will always be with you, every step of the way." a small smile appeared on connor's face, along with tears in his eyes. "even the sun disappears sometimes behind clouds, but that doesn't mean we go anywhere. that doesn't mean that i will go anywhere."

evan was crying now. he carefully set the tree down beside his bed, and then he made a decision.

he jumped out of his bed and gave connor a hug.

connor was surprised for a second, then he wrapped his arms around evan and held him tightly.

both boys sat there for a while, crying happy tears, and holding each other like they would never let the other one go.

i will not go out on you, connor murphy. never.

***

a/n:

welcome to evan's pov! (i know, it's a bit overdue)

sorry for the late-ish update, i'm on vacation, so i haven't been able to write as much as i've wanted to :(

thanks again for all your lovely comments that always make my day 100x brighter! love you guys! ♡