Wednesday 21st June---

I was desperate that's all I can say, I couldn't tell him the truth, he just wouldn't understand. No one would. So I lied. At least I did what I thought was I lie, even if on some level it wasn't, it worked. This is what happened....

--First Lesson--

I met Karle like a do everyday, he comes to mine at 11am then we go SubWay. Which isn't always a good idea since I can never choose what to have. I can easily spend an hour deciding and by that time Karle has usually finished his meal, but in the end I always order the same. Italian BMT, with sweetcorn, mayo and olives. After that we catch the train to Pilgon's Street and it's just a five minute walk. He makes it interesting though and always finds a way to cheer me up or persuade me to do something. It seems that if you say the phrase, "you only live once" I'd reluctantly do anything.

But today was different.
No smiles.
No jokes.
No dares.
No questions.
Nothing.
Just silence.

At first I thought I had done something wrong, this obviously made me self conscious and I spent the first few minutes holding my phone up as if reading something. This covered up the fact I was on the camera mode sneakly taking pictures of myself, you know in case I had half of my BMT on my face. I was so focused on myself that I completely forgot about Karle until he pipped up.

"So um... I know we havn't known each other long and well you probably won't care but-"
Thoughts swirled through my mind, is he gonna ask me out. How do I reply? Do I act cool? Do I hug him? What if it's a joke?  Somehow I managed to keep this inside and simply answered:

"Yeah?"
"Well?"
"It's nothing really but, well I don't really feel at home here, and to put it simply I don't like it. Everyone speaks past me as if I'm not there, I can only talk to you and don't get me wrong it's great. But everyone ingores me at this college so what happens when you're not here. I just stay by myself all day? Oh and not forgetting the professors are horrible, they snap at me every five seconds calling me out I'm front of everyone. Even though I do nothing wrong half of the time. Look, I don't mean to rant. I'm sorry but I- I just want you to know what I'm about to say isn't because of you..."

I felt a little crushed. I honestly didn't think it was going in this direction, he's not asking me out. Oh how could I be this stupid? I began to blush slightly, and once again zoned out  Karle to a light drone in the background as he was explaining himself.
Who would ask me out anyway? I'm like 90 years old, I'm a pensioner. Not that there's anything wrong with that, hay maybe I might find love when I'm older like old love. You know like other single 90 year old's do. Perhaps even I'll find love when I'm---

"I'm going to leave here."
"What!?" "Why?" The heart renching phrase broke my mind's wandering phase.
"Huh... Maybe you do care..."
"Nah! Of course I care! You can't go." I sarcastically remarked.
"Nothings keeping me here, no one likes me everyone set in their ways, you know kinda-"
"Old fashioned" "I can explain that..." I mumbled under my breath.
"Yeah exactly!"
"Look just don't go please." I had become more desperate at this point, I needed him. He couldn't leave me now.
"Im sorry. I've made my mind up."
"But, but-"
"No. Not anymore, no buts and no coconuts I'm leaving. That's that."
I needed him to stay, he was a friend, he was a laugh and he was Karle. The sweetest boy you could know. Even Stacy had stopped picking on me, I thought it may have been a glitch with her. Karle was never supposed to be here and therefore she can't bully me when I'm with him. She doesn't recognise him as prey.

"You can't go"
"I care too much" I said forcefully as he turned around, I had left speaking for a while so I could ponder whether me saying that was a good idea.
"You do" Turning back,he did that little smirk of his and I just had a little thought, what if that was the last time I saw that little smirk of his. I couldn't bare it. He couldn't go. I was prepared to do anything, anything but what I did...

"I love you!" I shouted without really thinking, it was dramatic and over the top but he bought it.

"Huh? What! You what, you love me?"
Regret swallowed me up immediately.
"Sure!" I replied. "Why not?"
"Well that sure sounds convincing." He chuckled.
"No I err... I mean it." I said firmly.
"This isn't some sort of joke then?" I giggled inside and I was worried he was going to prank me.
"Who have I got to laugh with I replied."
"I never thought about it like that." His voice changed, as he relaxed it went back to being deep and soothing. Not as high and squeaky.
"You really want me to stay?" His pupils widened as he gazed up from the floor, fixing his eyes on mine.
"You won't abandon me at the first chance?"

"No haha, do you see me. I have no one." It was sad but it was true, he was all I had in this world. I just wished I could explain that to him.

I stood there, my feet pointing inwards as I continued to figit with my hands like a nervous school girl, passing the akward pause.

"Fine." He said at last.
"Fine?" I questioned immediately.
"I'll stay" He spoke in a gentle and calm manner as I slung my arms around him.
"Really!? Thank you! Oh I love you so much!" Hugging him without thinking.

"But I'm only staying for you though..."

The relief spread through my bones, I suddenly felt "just ok". The guilt then sunk in. I realised what I had done.

-----------------------

I know it's bad, but I couldn't tell him the truth. He would never believe me. I don't think I'm using him, I just need his help. You understand right? If I didn't tell him I loved him he would have left. And I couldn't handle going back to how things were. Well at least things are ok for now. It can be another days problem, but I know I'm gonna have to tell him eventually....